If...

I had been your intimate friend for 30 yrs, would you still continue to do something that you know beyond a shadow of a doubt just shreds my heart to little pieces even if it was important to you?

((((((((((((((((((((Tomi))))))))))))))))

Whats wrong? Please pm me if needed. I am in and out of here today but will listen if you want.

Love,

Jenny Girl

(((((((((((((Tomi))))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you are hurting! Can I help you in anyway?

{{{{{{{{{{{{Jenny Girl}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Time0}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I'm so sorry if this was so vague. I thought... maybe... DUH! How can anyone answer if I don't explain what it is.

This is really, really hard... I feel like I'm laying my heart on the chopping block for just anyone to take some cheap shots at it... ... ... ... ... Trying to get up my courage here... ...

Ok... yesterday, my "un-husband" (he told the T he doesn't consider us as a couple, just FRIENDS) and I went to a T, mainly for a diagnosis for him. He's got depression, but I'm sure he has other things going on, too. Somehow, we got on the subject of our so-called "relationship." Jerry attacked me in every way possible in his "effort to not minimize anything." I was in pieces on the way home.

As if that wasn't bad enough, our youngest called him to tell him Aiden, our premature grandson had been released from the hospital and asked him if he would go over to their house. Jerry said HE would be over tomorrow.

I had asked Jerry to please support me in my effort to stop Christina from manipulating us and causing problems for Jerry and I with this grandkid thing. He had said "Yes" and would not go to see them without me. Guess he didn't mean it.

So... he gets to see my baby AND his babies, but I don't. BTW, John's birthday is tomorrow. I don't even get to wish him a Happy Birthday.

I feel betrayed by my son, too. Not because he's allowing his wife to manipulate him but because he's allowed her to break the tie between us.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Tomi}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Since adolescence I have lived by the principle that men are pigs, but you seem to have gotten yourself involved with one of the piggiest. I'm so sorry.

I'm busy looking for a fairy godmother with a magic wand to help me with my health and finances. When I find her, I'll make sure she does relationships too, and we can share her. In the meantime, I have no idea how to help you, but I can always listen, at least, and give hugs. Let me know if you need either.

Love, Candy

Yeah, he's an animal and proud of it! He says that being a jerk comes naturally to him; doesn't even have to make an effort. It's probably time I believe him. Only thing is, if he can't find a book on manners, at least, I'm gonna have to think real long and hard about kicking his *** out... again! I don't need all this pain!! ...but then, I'll be all alone again.

Wish you lived close by. I'd come by for my hugs. Nah... maybe not. Your shoulder would wind up soaked with tears and buggers. YUK

((((tomi)))) hon I wish I had some magic words for you. I am here for you hon

"Jerry attacked me in every way possible in his "effort to not minimize anything." I was in pieces on the way home."

You went to a therapist to help your husband and that is what he does to you! I am so terribly sorry. Why people are so hurtful I will never understand. ((((((((Tomi)))))))))

For your son and his wife and your grandkid, all I can do is shake my head and give you a big kind hug

((((((((((Tomi, for your mother's heart))))))))))))))

I love you!

I am sorry you are hurting and I really don't know what words to say to help...I THINK? if I did something that really messed up a loved one...but at the same time risked not seeing my son and grandkid...I would go see them alone too....now being mean to you no no way..on that he seems between a rock and a hard place....But the rest of it I honestly just dont know and wish you two and the kids could fix this cause it causes you so much pain

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Be}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Thanks... What would YOU do?? Should I tell him he's no longer welcome in my home?? Or is it worth the price I have to pay to have a means to get around and have someone that can move around freely and do things for me that I can't do??

If this means that we're splitting up, it's gonna be a completely clean break! He won't keep any of his crap here or in MY storage shed! I won't be bailing him out when he tries to move in with our son and Christina verbally abuses him! It will be just like it is with my ex... I'll see him at the grandkid's birthday parties. That's all! Period! The T said if we parted, he'd help us part as friends. Ha! Yeah right! Not this time!

tomi that is a tough question hon...I do understand where you are coming from on this....kind of like a catch 22..make him leave then have no help in your dailey life needs or have him leave knowing you can live in peace. I sometimes have felt that in my life. I don't know about your area but here they have a van you can call at a very small charge to take you to like dr appointments and such as that. or if you have a close friend that would be willing to take you places you need to go....are you completely wheelchair bound?

Oh Tomi,

I dont even know where to begin. I know your heart must be aching right now. I am here for you, OK?

I'm sorry, I just dont know what to say. I just wanted to let you know I am here for you.

Love,

Jen

My best friend could take me grocery shopping and places like that on the day we go out to lunch. There are a couple of acquaintances here in the park that could take me somewhere close if I needed something, but I wouldn't ask any of them to take me to the doctor and places like that because it's such a long wait.

The bus stops right outside the park and they have a means to load wheel chairs and power chairs but it takes so damn long to get anywhere and the service really isn't all that good.

I can walk around here inside the house although it's difficult at times.

The thought has crossed my mind to get a female room mate that was nimble and strong enough to help me with the heavy chores. I don't know about a caregiver through Medicaid. I'd have to take whoever they sent me, I guess.

Going through another separation... GAWD!! I know I'd get through it but it's not anything I would look forward to, for sure!!

IDK, maybe I'm counting my chicks before they hatch. Jerry changes his mind whenever the breeze blows and I know he says a lot of things he doesn't mean. Maybe he'll be better once he starts his medication.

My pride asks me, though "Why in the HELL do you put up with this?????????" My heart says "I love him." Then pride asks "BUT WHY?????"

He's got the spirit of an animal, Time0! He told the T that he felt trapped so he's lashing out at me!! It's not me that has him trapped! It's his own twisted thinking!

He can come and go as he pleases. He goes to topless bars to play pool and drink. I don't like it, but I keep my mouth SHUT! He comes and goes at will anywhere else. He takes MY personal belongings and uses them as if they were his, he arranges the house the way he WANTS it never thinking if it's handy for me or if I can get past it with my power chair. I cook his meals for him, wash his clothes, clean the house, make sure if he's got medication to take, that he takes it, I've had to straighten up his bank account because he doesn't "want to deal with it." I really don't know what more freedom he wants or what more he wants from me!!

Hoo boy. I'd start calling social service agencies looking for a home health aide, and kick the bastard out. You deserve better than that!!!!!!!

Granted, it's human nature to leave things you don't want to do alone and hope someone else will come by and do them -- or at least it's MY nature -- I'm relying on my sis to handle all the paperwork with my current medical crisis, because I have enough to deal with just being sick, IMHO, and I don't want to deal with paperwork. She's the executive director of two social service agencies, so she's all over paperwork. So I let her do it.

BUT, it doesn't sound like you're getting anything good out of this deal. I'm getting a chance to sleep as much as I need/want instead of having to fight with bureaucrats, and have friends who can drive me around (although secretly, I"m driving myself everywhere anyway, people just keep telling me not to push myself, so I don't let them know) to the store and the pharmacy and stuff like that. I live alone, but I have ways around it. I don't know how to tell you to get out of the situation you're in.

Sorry, sweetie. I wish I had some good advice or something I could do to help. I don't mind wet shoulders and boogers if you don't mind 21 degree temps -- c'mon over .

Love, Candy

What I'm getting out of it is someone to drive me where I need to go, sometimes where I WANT to go. He does do some of the heavy work, like outside putting in some cement on the driveway side of the house, putting all the crap into the storage shed, laying a patio on the other side of the house, sometimes he does as I ask him putting up drapes, hooks in the ceiling, reaching food he's stashed in the top cabinets and stuff. Most of all, I know that if something happens to me, I can either yell or ring him on his cell. MAYBE he'll hear. He's good at coming when I drop something to see if it was me that fell or not. Just don't know if it's worth the price I have to pay. Feels really steep these last few days. Then there's the kid/grandchild thing. I feel like he and my boy's wife are doing all they can to break the bond and keep us apart. They're almost there! Tomorrow is John's birthday. Jerry is going over to their house but I'm not allowed.

And there, I'm stopping before I freak out.

I'm seeing a lot of "sometimes" and "maybes" in your comments.

As my therapist would say to me when I would get on a roll of "poor me, I'm such a victim, look at everything bad he did to me. I can't do anything about it, blah blah blah" - "OK, so that's how it's going to be. You're a trauma junkie. That's OK. Some people are just like that."
Me: "But I don't like things to be like that."
Him: "You must, because if you really didn't like something, you'd stop. You're emotionally getting something out of all of this or you wouldn't continue to let it happen."
Me: "No, I really don't like it. I'm trying to stop."
Him: "If something's painful, you don't TRY to stop doing what's causing the pain. You just STOP. Do you leave your hand on a hot burner? No, you take it off because it hurts."
Me: "but, but, but."
Him: " So you were a victim. Big deal. Get over it. You're treating this guy like he's all powerful. You're putting him in the same position as God. Is there any other human in your life that you put in that same position?"
Me: "No."

My therapist would tell you that you're a trauma junkie, and I know you don't want to hear that, because I sure as hell didn't like to hear it. When I'd start talking about all of the perceived injustices, I'd talk faster, my pulse and blood pressure would go up, I'd start gesturing with my hands, lean forward in my chair. I'd get an adrenaline rush talking about how crappy I'd been treated.

At least you have some communication left with your kids to build back up. Set some boundaries, woman. Speak up assertively, not aggressively.

My mom became a great-grandmother in August. My brother didn't bother to let her know until December. He sent a card with a picture. No note with it. Just a picture. She writes him e-mails occasionally. He doesn't answer. She sent him her phone number. He doesn't call. I didn't get an invitation to his daughter's wedding. He talks down to my dad, who is quite intelligent with a quick wit, but very rustic in his lifestyle. Would we like to have a "normal" family where everyone gets together for Norman Rockwell-inspired holidays and celebrations? Sure, wouldn't we all? Thing is, it's not going to happen. For whatever reason, my brother wants no part of his family. So we live with that decision and make the best of the good things we do have. I have a good relationship with my parents and step-dad. My brother can't take that away from us. He knows the door is open if he ever wants to be a part of the family again, but we don't constantly harp to him about how horrible he is in the meantime.

You're putting a lot of energy into hoping everyone else in the family will change. That's got to be awfully draining.

Well... ok... I had never thought of myself as a "trauma junkie" and I've never been accused of it, so I'll think about that, ok?

As for "getting something out of it," if you're talking about my UN-husband, yeah. I get wheels out of the deal, with a chauffer! He DOES do most of the heavy work around here that I can't do and there's another warm body in the house.

As for the kid thing; I've given up on my daughter. I did that a long time ago. But for my youngest son, I didn't pick his manipulative wife. In fact, I warned him about her when he told me he was becoming interested in her. Everything I told him would happen has... and then some! All of his friends told him he was getting involved with the town tramp but he knew that already. She thought she was pregnant with his best friends kid!! Not taking responsibility for that one!

What I DID do wrong was not keep my mouth shut. At the time, I thought I was doing the right thing by supporting my son. His wife got ahold of the letter and as always, took it the wrong way EVEN when I didn't mention her AT ALL. Extremely insecure people do that, you know. My support of my son was an attack on HER??

As always, Wi_Fighter, when I get told something I don't like to hear, I still give it due consideration as I will give your post. There is always something to be learned from "constructive critisism." I'll check out my behavior to see how much of your prespective I can find in it.

Thanks

Sorry. I misquoted my therapist. He used the term "tragedy junkie."

((((((((((((((Tomi))))))))))))))))

tomi.........i just want you to know that i have been reading your posts........knowing you and knowing what you've been put through, i can't see that any of this is your fault or your doing.......what to do?......thats gotta be totally up to you but as a long married woman i can truly sympathize with the difficulty of a decision.....whatever you decide.....i'm in your corner..

I'm with you too....whatever you decide. I know it's tough when you have been together for so long. I also know how much it hurts when we feel betrayed.

I know you'll make a good decision for you.....take your time. (((((((((Tomi))))))))))

I'm not in any real hurry to decide I'm going to be on my own. LOL It feels like a cop out to me, but I'm thinking about waiting to see how things go once he's back on medication.

The T didn't act as if his rage outbursts were a part of the depression. Didn't say anything, but I didn't think so, either. Maybe the T got some clue when he found out that Jerry doesn't have any friends. Wonder why!? Probably because he never gives anything to any relationship. He just takes and takes and takes...

Anyway... the day started out bad but ended on a much better note.

Thanks for your vote of confidence, Juls. It means a lot to me but you know that already. I really appreciate it, though. You've made me feel better.

Love you!

PS Are you gassed up? I think I just might be ready to go for a wild ride in your sexy car! LOL It's hot and sunny out here in CA!

lol.....i'm gassed up and ready to roll!!!!!!!!!!!!!