[Purple Heart]

I have formed a conclusion after many years of introspection and gauging the behaviour and attitudes of my family towards me. I’ve come to realise that they don’t like who I am as a person. As much as I want to deny this unfortunately it is true. They don’t accept me or like my personality. Unfortunately it was like this in my childhood too! Yes I feel sad about this but it explains a lot: there is no healthy relationship, they never visit me, the communication is superficial and I get a very strong message that I’m not allowed to be myself when with them. Whenever I express my thoughts or feelings there is stern opposition usually through shaming me. What I hate even more is that they carry on like there is nothing wrong in the family. I unfortunately have become the scapegoat, I’m the one with the problem and so they just blame me. If I was a drug dealer, murderer or rapist it may explain their behaviour, but I’m none of these. I’m a highly ethical and law-abiding person but they don’t see my great qualities. I just want to be me and be accepted! Am I asking for too much??

[bluemountains]

Hi Purple Heart,
I wish your family could see the supportive, giving person that I now know through the replies that you have offered on my posts.
I am sorry that you have lived your life with judgement and criticism from your family. Perhaps you intimidate them with your honesty and intelligence. Sometimes I find this to be the case in my own family, because I turned my back on the family dynamics and explored the world beyond them for happiness and success. Unfortunately, the early years of abuse inflicted upon me by certain family members still hold me back from happiness at times, but I am determined to conquer these demons, too.
You are NOT asking for too much to have unconditional love from your family. Is there any way you could convey your hurt to them? I know that my own family wouldn't get it, but maybe yours will.
Hugs!!!
Bluemountains

[Severijn]

I know what you're going through. My family was basically the same way.

Changing how your family think and acts around you is very difficult. Some people just refuse to change.

I don't know how old you are, but I would look forward to a independent life of your own. With your own friends, job, and hobbies. That way you can leave your family a bit behind, become an independent adult.

Trying to fix your family for the rest of your life just makes you totally crazy and frustrated. Better move on with your life. And occasionally give them a visit. Finding the right friends for you is much more satisfying then constantly arguing or trying to fix your family.

[StrawberryFieldsss]

Mine is the same way. I could never be myself. Ive recently admitted to myself that while I know my mom loved me very much, she also judged me a LOT. She was mean about some things because she thought that scorn and shame would change me and make me do what she wanted. My life was mostly about pleasing everyone else till I moved out of the family home, then I was left with the task of figuring out who I REALLY was/am.

[Perna]

One thing my therapist taught me was the difference between like and love. I loved my stepmother but she was very harsh, controlling, and could be abusive, especially when I was growing up.

My therapist asked me who I liked and I instantly replied, "My husband!" She asked, "Why? Give me three reasons." and I said, "He's, warm, fun, and friendly." She then had me apply those three attributes to the people I love. . . I discovered that at the time I only liked one of my three brothers, definitely didn't like my stepmother, LOL, and it was a wonderful tool for analyzing other relationships as they developed; bosses, friends, acquaintances who I was thinking of working on friendships with, etc.

You are in charge of your own life; don't worry about what other people are doing, decide what you want to do and go from there?

[unaluna]

purple heart, I could have written your post, but i'm not that good of a writer! I guess it IS too much to ask of addicts, which is what the members of my family are, even though they LOOK like functioning members of society. So maybe consider the source.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Purple Heart

I just want to be me and be accepted! Am I asking for too much??

I would say yes. From them, at this time, yes, it is too much to ask from them.

[LazyLogophile]

It's funny that I was about to post something along these same lines. I suppose spending time with family around the holidays will do that to you. Families are just people who you happen to be related to, and I think it's pretty common to not get along with them that well. I have always had a good relationship with my parents, but in recent years as I have branched out and found lifestyles that suit me, I have had to deal with the repercussions of that. The more of an individual I become, the less my family accepts me the way they used to. I feel like maybe you should get some distance from them (like someone else already suggested) and find the kind of support and connections that you are looking for with friends who have similar views and interests. It's difficult to do, though, especially when you feel like the oddball of the family. If you are firm with your choices and stick to it, they will eventually accept that you are not who they want you to be and start accepting who you are. I have resolved to distance myself from my immediate family and find social outlets that allow me to be myself. That way, when I do see my family once a year, we will be so busy catching up that conversations will be a little more superficial and friendly. I would rather have a warm fuzzy relationship with them, but if it's not possible than I have to stop swimming against the current and start accepting the way THEY are, so they might accept me as well.

Hope this helps a bit. :-) You are not alone.

[Irreplaceable]

Throughout my whole life I have felt like I was the black sheep of the family....When I got older, I was very very surprised to learn that people I grew up with even noticed the behavior of my family towards me...I'm talking as recent as this past summer I've had people say, "You know...That was kinda messed up the way your family did this and that"....What I've learned is that I cannot change people in any type of regards...You cannot please everyone...They are who they are, and I am who I am and I make no apologies for that...My family doesn't mean harm, but the things they have done and said were hurtful...I do not hold it against them...It is what it is...I live my life minus the majority of my family..I do not surround myself with people who are or can be toxic...I will eliminate you from my circle without a second thought....Family can be as toxic if not more, than strangers...To this day I have limited contact with them and as I said, I make no apologies for that...It's not about holding a grudge, it's more so because I don't want toxic people in my circle and because I'm not a child anymore...Back in the day, I didn't have a voice...Now I do...My family is full of drama...It's to the point where, this past summer, my grandfather passed and I didn't even want to go to the funeral...My sister and I were seriously considering not going but out of respect for our mother, and to show our support, we went...I didn't want to be around the negative energy (literally) and drama...Agan, it is what it is....

[Purple Heart]

Thanks People!! It's good to know I'm not alone in this situation and can let go fo the guilt and shame.

I don't know if your realization is true or not, purple heart. It would certainly be easier to tell you that you're misunderstanding what's happening, or to say something like, "Oh families are difficult..." or what have you. But I totally understand where you're coming from, as I have had these realizations in my own family before. I think the most important thing, and what really liberated me (or has started to, because I'm not there yet) is the realization that I am not bound by what they think of me. I don't know you, but you seem like a really nice person and if your family is doing or saying things which causes you to feel negatively about yourself then that's on them, not you.

[sandworm]

Hello Purple heart, "am I asking too much". yeah, probably. I know families with
one rotten daughter who is treated like the favorite sweetheart, and the good,
nice daughter is left off like some 'red headed step child".
You just can not force a person or group to like you, no matter how much your
natural wonder and your long personal self work has 'earned' it.

True, respect should be earned, but how seldom it is that we have been blessed with
people who can have the awareness of consciousness to give acceptance,
approval, attention, and affection where it really is most needed and richly
deserved.
You have to treat every person like an animal, some are Koala bears, just
looking cute and harmless willing to give an asked for hug, then, well then,
there is your family, like perhaps a pack of ravens, cawing and pecking.
Take what each person has to give and if they have some criticism of your
personality, take it as "pure information". Judge it on its reality and potential to
be of use to you for your "EVOLUTION" to a better you.
All the rest, leave off. If some decent friend or [unofficially] adoptive relative
should have criticism, then that you can take to heart, because you know
they have love for you.
These folks obviously missed the line when they were handing out gratitude and humanity.

. A family is made not by what flows through the veins, but through
the heart.

SW

[Purple Heart]

Some of you have written very thoughtful comments, thank you. I feel very alone but I realise that I have my freinds who are my family! I guess it is still hard for me to accept the way my family is. It is ruled by a very powerful matriarch who holds contempt towards the male sex.