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  #1  
Old Jan 12, 2012, 08:16 AM
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lido78 lido78 is offline
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As indicated in previous posts, my boyfriend of two years has had a houseguest for almost three months now. The guest is a friend/business partner who is here from another country and, because the guy does not speak English, my boyfriend spends substantial amounts of time with this guy so as not to leave him alone. They are also having business problems and this is why the visit has been for so long. Our relationship has suffered due to a real lack of intimate time, but I'm trying to be patient.

We've never had a very active sex life but I was comfortable with it being once a week or so. During the last three months, we've only had sex one time and couple of additional times for other intimate activities such as oral sex. The main issue is that the only time we spend the night is at his house, so there is always someone home. There is time late at night to be intimate, but he's usually too exhausted. Again, trying to be patient.

However, last weekend, I found porn on his computer. Nothing saved or downloaded but sites visited were in his computer history. Yes, it was wrong to search his history, but I was curious about how he is able to go so long without sex when I'm getting so frustrated myself. I'm not opposed to porn in moderation (and know that most guys watch porn from time to time or even more frequently) but am concerned that he may be using it as a substitute for trying to make more of an effort with me. We could definitely be having more sex (it's not like he shares a room with anyone and neither one of us is particularly loud in the bedroom), so I am trying to figure out if there is a bigger issue.

He is very anxious about the business and also tends to smoke pot when he's worred to help him sleep...I know that both of these decrease sex drive but I'm just wondering where the porn fits in. It looked from the history as if he checks out these sites about once a day for about 10 minutes or so...I also don't know if I should bring it up since I am guilty of spying. I've never searched his computer before but have not been able to get anywhere speaking with him about this in the past. I've told him my concerns about our recent sex life and been very honest about how I feel....he just says that he has no energy to initiate and he feels very down on himself b/c of the business problems. We've also both gained weight over the last six months or so, so neither one of us is feeling at the top of our game. But, I'm of the mindset that a bit of extra "exercise" would help both physically and emotionally....

Any thoughts?

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  #2  
Old Jan 12, 2012, 11:00 AM
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Perna Perna is offline
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I think you have to talk to him; your guesses, much less ours, can't get to what he is thinking/feeling/going through with this? I would confess to being on his computer and being curious, etc. and start a conversation with him.
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  #3  
Old Jan 12, 2012, 12:16 PM
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lido78 lido78 is offline
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I've tried talking to him about the decrease in our sex life, and he just says that he's tired, anxious and doesn't feel particularly sexy. I totally get that...I'm not feeling that hot to trot myself...but I think that at times like this, you need to make some kind of effort. I know that he's down on himself, so I try to plump up his ego in ways that don't make him feel pressured to have sex. If he looks nice on a particular day, I try to compliment him and tell him he looks handsome (rather than hot/sexy). He's confessed to me that his former wife was a bit withholding in the sex department (and later cheated on him while they were in counseling), so I think he's learned to not place too much of an importance on it in relationships. It's not my number one criteria either, but I think it's a part of a normal, healthy relationship. He's from a Muslim culture, so I'm much more open regarding discussions of this nature. Although he's not religious at all (and neither is his family), he did grow up in an environment that is much more conservative.

I'd love to be totally upfront about the computer, but I fear that the ensuing trust issue that he'll have with me will only make things worse. How can he feel attracted to me if he can't trust me...? It's kind of a vicious cycle...due to his lack of interest, I felt insecure and this lead me to my spy session...if I confess to spying, his lack of trust could really put the breaks on our sex life even more....and the cycle will continue. If I'd found evidence of cheating, I'd definitely have to bring it up and make a full confession (and just deal with the consequences)...I wouldn't feel that threatened by the porn if we were having sex (I sometimes look at it if I've had a stressful day and need a little release of tesion), but I'm concerned that he's just trying to spare my feelings when he says that he's too tired/anxious...

I hate that I even looked and would be devastated if any confession I made ended the relationship, especially since I don't ever want to look again (the guilt is definitely not worth it for me).
  #4  
Old Jan 12, 2012, 02:34 PM
mk1974 mk1974 is offline
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Hi lido78.

Porn for guys isn't usually a replacement for sex, at least among guys I know (including myself). It's more like a way to blow off steam. You will find porn or links to it (assuming no housekeeping has been done to delete it) on pretty much every guy's computer, even happily partnered guys who have sex every day. For most guys I know, it fills a different need than actual sex. Sex is much more about intimacy and love and mutual satisfaction. Porn is about getting your rocks off. Don't worry about porn.

What you can be legitimately worried about, I think, is the decline in actual sex, independent from anything to do with porn. I think you'd want to ascertain whether it's really about his job or it's something about the relationship. I think the only way you can address that is by talking with him about it, and if he won't talk, well, that's a problem. No need to talk about the porn, though.
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  #5  
Old Jan 13, 2012, 03:19 AM
Purple Heart Purple Heart is offline
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mk1974 is right about men and porn. But also to add you have to be careful that it doesn't take over one's sex life with a partner ie become a porn addict. But overall I think yoiu need to confront him as he could be making some bad lifestyle choices. Or sugggest couple counselling to sort out the problems.
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  #6  
Old Jan 13, 2012, 05:59 AM
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lido78 lido78 is offline
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Thank you for the feedback. I have noticed a correlation between his anxiety and stress levels and the decline in our sex life, so I agree that the porn is probably not the contributing factor (it was probably there the entire relationship; I just never looked). It's good to have some reassurance in that area from folks on this site though.

MK1974, the part of the equation that may be my fault is that I see the business situation more clearly from the outside and have probably left him feeling as if he's screwing up. I don't know that he's at fault, per se, but I would definitely have handled stuff differently (mostly by being tougher with the partner). I've probably made him feel emasculated a bit (because he's very forgiving let's a lot of stuff just slide by), but I'm only trying to be helpful. I'm about five years older and work in the legal field. I don't weigh in the day to day running of the business, but I've become concerned about him protecting himself legally if the business were to go into bankruptcy. So, I may have become less girlfriend and more "advisor." I'm aware that this probably makes me less sexually appealing to him (dare I even say less feminine), but I'm so concerned that he's not protecting himself that I find it impossible to not be straight with him on some of the legal and tax issues involved.

I've tried to stay quiet and just provide support...but then I see some glaring issue that could spell out trouble down the road and I just go into "advisor" mode. Any advice for me on how I can help him but still make him feel good about himself?
  #7  
Old Jan 14, 2012, 06:05 PM
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ChipmunkGal ChipmunkGal is offline
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Lido: First off, I think you are very mature for analyzing the situation as you have. I completely understand your concern. I'm probably the worst person of them all to give advice on a porn related concern. My husband of 18 months was (and possible still is) a serious porn addict. It has completely destroyed our relationship. I too "snooped" around on his computer after I noticed a decline in our sex life. I confronted him. He denied it. I showed him evidence. He said he was sorry and that he would quit...but lied. Kept using it for 6 more months (while verbally abusing me by asking me why I cant get surgery to look like the women in the movies and telling me that they know how to satisfy him like Im not capable of....basically defending his porn habit). He swore he stopped using but then I snooped again and found more porn...so I confronted him again and he admitted that he lied our whole relationship and never gave it up. Since then, our sex life is null and void. His laptop is on lockdown and he is forbidden to use the internet "unsupervised". I dont trust him. I can't forgive him. I can't believe that he spent 6 months tricking me, constantly comparing me to those women, laughing at me when I would come to him crying about him "choosing" those women over me then ironically acting surprised when I dont want him to touch me. Long story short, I fear for you and I really hope to God that your boyfriend does not have a porn addiction. If I were you, I'd confront him about it. I believe it's the only way to get to the bottom of this. If you do find out that he has an addiction, I'd give him an ultimatum......he needs to get help from a qualified therapist OR break up with him. I regret not doing the same.
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lido78
  #8  
Old Jan 14, 2012, 06:31 PM
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unaluna unaluna is online now
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am I the only who thinks the business partner is more than a business partner? I hate that you're being pushed into this caretaking role in so many different ways. you are no longer the female partner. how long are you going to put up with it? I stil say, talk to the ex-wife, find out what she thinks or discovered about this "business relationship" with this "life-long friend". Are you talking to a therapist about this situation? What have your previous r/s been like? Sorry i'm cranky, I want chocolate and all I have in the house is unsweetened cocoa nibs which is basically chocolate chewing tobacco. Pass the spittoon, please!
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lido78, seeker1950
  #9  
Old Jan 14, 2012, 06:35 PM
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pgrundy pgrundy is offline
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It's more likely that he is having performance anxiety and really is tired. I would be inclined to ignore the porn in his browser history. I mean, wow. Is there a guy left on the planet who has access to a computer who DOESN'T surf porn sometimes?

It seems like the issue isn't so much about him as it is about you needing reassurance and/or more sex. Both of those things have to be brought up directly with him, not with concerns about his lack of sex drive or computer porn, but with frank statements (not accusatory, just calm) something like: "I need the reassurance that sex provides. When we don't have sex, I start thinking something is wrong with the relationship. I'm not sure what to do."

When he answers, let him talk. If you can get him to talk, listen. It's probably not what you think it is. If I know anything about men at this point in my life (I'm 58), it's that it is hardly ever what we think it is. So try and get him to talk, but focus on your own insecurities and needs, not his. That usually goes better.

Good luck!
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lido78, Suki22
  #10  
Old Jan 14, 2012, 07:44 PM
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needfixing needfixing is offline
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any stress on a man the first thing that goes is the sex.
when this happens to me, i have my hubby tell me whats going on, either its work or his family.
that eases things cuz i am giving him an ear to listen.
hope this helps.
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  #11  
Old Jan 16, 2012, 08:45 AM
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Suki22 Suki22 is offline
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I'm sorry this is happening to you!

have you thought about taking a break from him? or breaking up with him? it just sounds a lot like my ex and when the sex dwindled I finally came to the conclusion that he just wasn't that into me. there was always an excuse of why he couldn't see me: he was stressed out at work, at home, etc. etc. I could only take so many excuses before I saw the light.

p.s. don't worry about the porn. that part is totally normal/expected.

Last edited by Suki22; Jan 16, 2012 at 08:49 AM. Reason: additional comment
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lido78, seeker1950
  #12  
Old Jan 16, 2012, 04:12 PM
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lido78 lido78 is offline
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Thanks to all for the thoughtful words and advice. Even before reading the post, I took a page our of pgrundy's book and had a conversation with him about the decline in our sex life. I just let him know in a pretty honest way that it concerns me mostly because I want to make sure that (1) there is nothing more seriously wrong in our relationship and (2) he is not finding sex with another woman.

I let him know that it wasn't the lack of sex that bothered me but the feeling of insecurity that it has awakened. I didn't mention the porn because I do think that, unless it becomes an addiction, it's a fairly normal occurrence for most men, even those happily paired up. He's from a Muslim culture and I'm sure he'd be mortified to know that I was aware that he watches porn. Although he's very modern and progressive, he is definitely not as open about sex as some of my American friends or ex-boyfriends. He actually cited a couple of times when he'd made a "move," and I'd refused by turning over and sleeping....so strange, because I just thought he was trying to cuddle and I'd just turned over so that we could "spoon"...He has never been very aggressive sexually and his moves have always been pretty subtle. I think that his prior relationship with the ex-wife did a bit of damage to his sexual self-esteem and now that the business is having issues, I think his confidence is at rock bottom.

ChipmunkGal...I'm so sorry for what you've been going to and will keep what you've said in the back of my mind in case the situation does not improve.

Hankster...Interesting spin on the business partner relationship...it definitely is strange, but I'm pretty sure it's nothing more than friendship...and I'd rather admit ten times to looking at his browser history than to ever speak with his ex...she did not treat him well...he asked for the divorce (not her) and I've heard from her former best friend (who is still one of his friends and with whom we've gone on vacation) just how poorly she treated him.

Suki...I have considered breaking up with him but not because of the sex ...mostly because I have a hard time dealing with his stress and trying to deal with my own issues. Hankster mentioned my "caretaker" role and I find myself in this position often with all kinds of people. Although I often resent it secretly, I also know that I seek it out on some level...I don't know how I'd feel if I didn't, on some level, take care of the people in my life....I have a pretty level head on my shoulders and am fairly well-grounded...so, I tend to fall into this role very organically.

As a side note, my b.f. has some pretty serious skin issues, and it sometimes affects his groin area...really, just very bad dryness but it can actually get so dry that the skin cracks a bit. He's been to a dermatologist (it also affects his scalp and even his face sometimes) but the medication doesn't really help. So, there have been times when we start to have sex and the pain is too much for him to finish...I've tried to be gentle but the second I do something that hurts, it's pretty much game over. I think that he may, um, take matters into his own hands, because he knows best where he is sensitive. I'm not so sure that I could suggest something so bold (at least to him) as any kind of "mutual" self-gratification....culturally, I'm just not sure that he'd be too open to it.

Last edited by lido78; Jan 16, 2012 at 04:38 PM.
  #13  
Old Jan 16, 2012, 05:47 PM
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seeker1950 seeker1950 is offline
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Actually, Lido, I'm a lot less tolerant of both the porn and the foreign houseguest. I actually think the discovery of porn on his computer is a big trouble sign, and also his preoccupation with this foreign visitor. Bottom line here is that your needs are not being met, emotionally or physically, and your gut instinct is that something is not right. My own intuition and experience tell me that something indeed is not right. Women, as a rule, put up with so much more than is necessary before moving on with our lives. Ask yourself, is this what you want, deserve? I think not.
  #14  
Old Jan 17, 2012, 08:02 AM
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lido78 lido78 is offline
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Seeker....I do agree that I do not feel as if my needs are being met but, generally, they were being met before the houseguest arrived. I just don't know if the visit is something to end the relationship over but have definitely thought about ending things...if I have his time and attention the rest of the year, do I want to lose him and all of the positive aspects of the relationship over a 3 month visit (it was supposed to be one month but was extended for business reasons)...? I'm very torn and frustrated. I see your point...and have expressed that I do not feel as if I've been treated as well as could be....but he has pointed out that this is just the situation now...if he were dating any other woman, it would be this way as well and that it's not personal. He's also mentioned that the visits have become less frequent as evidenced by the fact that almost 2 years went by between the last visit and this one.

I do believe this but wonder how patient one should be...can anyone's needs be met 100% of the time? I do weigh the good and bad aspects...and I just can't move away from the way he is the rest of the time...he's very patient and calm with me (I am very emotional at times and need a gentle hand)...he is willing to go with me to any family visit, any art show or to try pretty much any activity that I love. My friends all love him. We have traveled together without a single fight. He is physically affectionate, even though I'd prefer a bit more sex. He fixes stuff at my house while also cooking dinner 90% of the time.

But I'm still insecure. I wonder if this is my gut instinct or my own issue. I've never felt 100% secure in ANY relationship because of my past. I don't love the porn on his computer, but I'm sure any computer expert could find past evidence of porn on my own computer (from my watching it a few times a year). How could I ever accuse him of this when I'm guilty myself...I know that mine is 100% stress relief and if I knew that his was too I'd be totally fine with it. I'm just concerned that he no longer wants me in that way.

P.S. I want to make sure that I'm just trying to be balanced/fair and not making excuses for him. I do know that women tend to do this but have also had very close friends and family tell me that I'm very demanding and hold people to too high a standard. I sometimes feel as if I'm never satisfied in any relationship....is this because I've never found the right relationship or because I'm the problem? I'm 43 and have never been married, so I'm aware that many would look at my "stats" and think that I very well could be the one with the problem.

Last edited by lido78; Jan 17, 2012 at 08:18 AM.
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