[j3nnyf3r73]

I haev been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year and two months now. We have had our share of arguements, just like everyone else. I almost even left him once. Of coarse, I am suffering the reprocussions from that now (he thinks I am going to leave him any minute now). The biggest problem is that he wont listen to me when I tell him that I want to stay with him. We recently bought a car together. It is in his name, because it is his, but I am helping him pay for it. He was a bit down after buying said car (actually, it was a truck), but then he got all excited and started talking about how we should start looking for a house, one that is bigger than the place we have now, then in a couple of years I can have my own brand new car and everything. Basically, he started talking about the future.

One night, he decided he was sick of the place we are living in now (it is too small), and he got in the truck with me, and we drove around looking for houses for sale. I just sat in the passenger seat and wrote down phone numbers and addresses- no big deal. The next day when I asked about the numbers ("Hey, are you gonna call them ,or do you want me to?), he freaked out and started telling me that I was forcing his to get a house, and that everything he does is because I force him to. Said that the only reson he bought the truck was because I forced him to, and now its gonna ruin his life. He started telling me that Im gonna leave him with the payments, and its gonna get reposessed and ruin his credit, therefore ruining his life. THEN he went on to say that by 'forcing' him to buy the house (in which, there isnt even a house yet, theres just a bunch of numbers written on a piece of paper), I was ruining his life even more because now he is hypothetically going to go bankrupt.

He says this over and over, and it has gotten to the point where I have told him that I cant handle it anymore. His negative attitude towards this whole thing has made he want to hide in a corner and just stop talking. I told him that if he would just rather stay where we are, then thats fine with me. Then he says he wants to rent a house, but not for over $550 a month. Thats not realistic!!! I did some reasearch, showed him examples, then he tryed to say that I was making him forget about renting so that he would buy a house!! I could never buy one myself, or else I would (my credit is horrible- his is impeccable). All I really want to do is start loking now, so that when we are ready, we know exactly what we want and exactly what we need to do to acheive it. He doesnt get it and starts to freak out (and again, accuse me of wanting to leave him, and of forcing him to do everything that he does.)

What should I do?!?! I just cant take it anymore.. I feel like Im going to explode!!!

~Is it ever really THAT bad??

[psychopunk03]

talk to a psychiatrist or tell him you're gonna talk to one.

"Things turn out best for those who make the best of the way things turn out." -John Wooden

[j3nnyf3r73]

we have actually gone to a couples councelor, but it just started getting worse. Since we stopped going, its gotten a little better, but now its progressively getting worse again. I think hes just got this self destructive behavior going on and personally, I think if I told him that he would be glad. Because then the doctor could get me to stop 'forcing' him to do things. Im just going out of my mind trying to figure out what to do.

~Is it ever really THAT bad??

[Deborah]

In answer to your question, I think(only my opinion) that I would have to say no, I don't think it's mental abuse. When I read your post......my "take" was that your boyfriend sounds like a scared and unsure young man. I think he wants to have nicer things like the truck and a bigger place to live......but he's nervous about the financial obligations. If your credit rating wasn't so bad, and you both shared equitably in the financial obligation and risk......then I don't think he would be so stressed out about these things. As it stands....he is the only one signing on the dotted line .......so he's scared. You said you almost left him once.....and you said you have told him you "can't take it anymore". If you say things like that often or easily.....when frustrated or angry........maybe he takes it literally and really doesn't think that you are around for the long haul. Just my impression from your post. I'm no expert. I wish the both of you much luck and happiness. -Deborah

[JimmyClifton]

Sometimes in life we need to learn how to set limits and boundaries as to what we are going to tolerate.

Continuing in certain situations we don't like won't change if we keep setting them up to continue as they are.

For instance, a battered woman who continues to return to the batterer sets up the abuse by her return.

The Rev. James W. Clifton, Ph.D., LCSW, LMHC, LMFT

<A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.disciples.web.com> Bengal Christian Church </A>

<A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.angelfire.com/psy/socialwork> Association for Authentic Social Work </A>

[jac]

JimmyClifton,

I am not sure you understand what exactly a battered woman may go through when in that situation. I, being in that predicament once myself, am offended by that comment. It almost seems as though you are blaming the woman for something someone else is doing. One of the biggest misconceptions an abused person thinks is that they deserve the abuse, like they have done something wrong, but at the same time they think that they can change the abuser. I haven't been on this site for a few weeks and I am sorry that I came back tonight-I see that there are still those who are insensitive to the pain others have had to endure.

I have made some pretty poor choices in my life but I have definately learned from my mistakes. What I am beginning to realize is that there are a lot of judgemental people in this world whose ignorance is totally unbecoming.

Furthurmore, J3nnif3r73, if you feel like this man is mentally abusing you or feel abused- don't let him treat you that way. Tell him how he is making you feel and if he acts like a pompous fool then you will be able to see his true colors. But if he takes what you say to heart and apologizes and tries to rectify the situation, hang on to him. It sounds like he really wants a future with you but sometimes that future seems so overwhelming that he gets scared and lashes out to make it seem not as real. Good luck you sound like a sweet person who deserves to be treated as such.

[pebblypoo]

I didn't get that at all from his post. He was merely giving an example to illustrate the point he made above it and in no way, shape or form intimated that anyone who is being physically abused deserves it. What he did state is a fact--it is the responsibility of the abusee to decide whether or not they will continue to ALLOW themselves to be subjected to more abuse (I'm not saying it's always easy.) In other words, just wishing ain't gonna make it so (make it stop.) An abused person (an adult) has a responsibility to THEMSELVES and part of that responsibility is to realize that they are not deserving of the abuse and that they must make a change in order for it to stop. No one else can do it for them. If not, they will likely continue to be abused, therefore the term (paraphrasing) "setting "one's self" up..." That's what I got from his post.

pebs

<font color=purple> The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated--Gandhi

Sometimes I lie awake at night in bed and I ask, "Is it all worth it?" And then a voice says, "Who are you talking to?" And another voice says, "You mean, ' To whom are you talking?'" And I say, "No wonder I lie awake at night."--Charlie Brown </font color=purple>

[JimmyClifton]

Hi, Jac,

I think you misunderstood me, ha! This is one of the problems with electronic communication.

No one, no one deserves to be abused or misused! I simply said if one continues to go back to situations the situations will continue, that's all.

Thank you for your comments and an opportunity to clarify as I am sure you are not the only one who misunderstood my remarks.

The Rev. James W. Clifton, Ph.D., LCSW, LMHC, LMFT

<A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.disciples.web.com> Bengal Christian Church </A>

<A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.angelfire.com/psy/socialwork> Association for Authentic Social Work </A>

[darkeyes]

I personally do not see anyone being insensitive about this whole issue, just realistic and very honest.
I am sorry you take offense by this, but the post made was asking a question, and some answered, that's all.

In giving advice seek to help, not please your friend
SOLON