Is this considered as abuse?

I'll try to keep it short as possible. About a year my relationship was my then x boyfriend was very good. We loved each other so much. But after talking about our future, to kids to everything else. After I left things slowely started to change and he and I was drifiting apart. Till this day I didnt know what happened. After I ended the relationship back in 2003 in 2005 thats when everything really started to fall apart big time. I had went into depression and everytime I tried to talk about the issu'es it was always I dont want to talk about it or we kept hanging up phone even though the issue's had to be discussed. After that when he became violent i started to become furious at him lashing out on him. Getting to talk about stuff but everything it was done with anger mostly yelling, blameing, screaming, begging and as I recall it. It was never like this before. I mean we had big love for each other. He had showed a side of him that I never go to see before. He called me every name in the book there was and here I was stunned with him saying everything to me. And I just took it and became severly depressed over that. Even when I called to tell him to cut it out and let loose he wouldn't budge at all for him not knowing how it was effecting my life. After all the drama with this guy and no one beleiving anything i was saying everything just took my be surprise. I know he's a drinker. But how heavy I dont know. I was angry for a while but I learn to except that too. And a year ago when I met my ex bf we went and hung out for 30 minutes but we barely got any talking down. His conversations were all mixed up. I dont know if he understood what he said at all. He had the look that he was starting to get aggresive but he managed to keep himself calm after he dropped me off and during all this we end up having the biggest fight at the end. With yelling, blameing, screaming, to harsh sayings and cursing one out is this considered as abuse? What is the matter with him?

i dunno... =( do you have a t or supportive people in your life?

If I May Sally_j.....................

You Do about the when we first met thing ?

That is always the place of chivalry so to speak . Us guys Go out of our way daily to open doors and step aside ,, and offer a better to any woman... { I do anyway } .. In the genre of " Here you stand here " out of the rain kinda thing .

There is a feed the others aggressions too I have found >>> The push buttons thing .

At the beginning ya never thought of the What ifs ,,, there was newness ,, that was a pair of blinders for you both ....

Now ya have that space thing and best to make a rule ... One that covers all is ,,,, if we chiling ,,, no button pushing . .

That's the best I can relate ,,.

i went to therpy and it helped talking about it, with my folks not really its kinda of hard talking to them while getting judged at the same time and them not knowing in what kind of postion i was in because I didnt tell them and even if i did things wouldn't be looking good and I wanted to avoid getting the families involved. So I didnt get much of their help. I basically had to fight this on my own.

Hi there. But I have no idea of what you are talking about. Just wanted some advice that's all and here you are going off topic.




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I_WMD said:
If I May Sally_j.....................

You Do about the when we first met thing ?

That is always the place of chivalry so to speak . Us guys Go out of our way daily to open doors and step aside ,, and offer a better to any woman... { I do anyway } .. In the genre of " Here you stand here " out of the rain kinda thing .

There is a feed the others aggressions too I have found >>> The push buttons thing .

At the beginning ya never thought of the What ifs ,,, there was newness ,, that was a pair of blinders for you both ....

Now ya have that space thing and best to make a rule ... One that covers all is ,,,, if we chiling ,,, no button pushing . .

That's the best I can relate ,,.

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sally-i

Even though there was no hitting each other--there is also emotional and phychological abuse. I have been there and it is not fun. When we yell out or lash out hurtful words in any way, it is abuse. No one deserves abuse, not even your ex. I understand how it can be so frustrating when someone is yelling in your face and calling you every name in the book and then some--how bad it can really hurt your heart. Once words have been spoken, they cannot be taken back, and are very hard to convince someone you did not mean to say them.

Anger can get the best of anyone and if we are not careful, it can be very abusive. Violence is always an indicator of abuse. No one has the right to be violent towards you. I know hun, it must have been hard to let things go not talking things out--but once his anger started showing that was an indication to just let go for your safety.

I also wanted to say that WMD was just trying to point out that a lot of times in a relationship--in the beginning a guy will go out of his way to be nice and after a while when there is no response in noticing the little things they may do, they take it as we do not care. Not saying you per say, but in general.

sally-i, I do not know if I have helped you or not. But I can tell you from experience that yes, emotional and phychological abuse are some of the most lasting kind. Physical abuse is terrible but the marks to the outside world go away--the marks left inside that no one sees are much harder to deal with and heal.

I hope you know that you are welcome to pm me if you would like. Thank you for taking the brave step you took to share this with us. We are here to support and help each other through. You took the first step.

cami

I would like to state that I removed 2 posts from this thread. I inadvertantly deleted them instead of moving them and I do apologize. That is why there is no record of them being here.

I would like to remind folks that first and foremost we must be supportive in our responses to OP's. If we find we cannot be supportive, then it is best not to comment and just leave the thread.

Another point I would like to make is that at times it can be difficult to understand the intent of the written word. People have different views on what they read as compared to the intent of how it was written.

sabby

. Start with short as Possible :

. Can that be possible at your present thought process?
Your visions as to ,, future ,, kids ,, &amp; everything else . You made a choice to leave and things drifted apart ?? = you didn't know what happened ?

So then , [ after relationship ended ] , during the drifting apart ,, { as I think I am reading right } . You in 2003 &amp; 2005 ,,, you ended it because it "started to fall apart big time ".? But you al still mutually hung up on one another for what ever reasons as you alls convo went .

But you had issuses that needed to be discussed ???

>>>>>>. Actually I have had the samething happen , = I CALLED IT M O V E ON !!!

Hope that supports you without offense ,,, Why Beat a Dead Horse .!!! .

Am editing the last part of this post >>>>. Read some other of your posts ,,,,, and found some say the same thing >>>> at the end you say If you have any advice or comments <<< { not verbatum } but same desire .... others opinions . . Oh shoot ,,, forgot to edit ,,,,,,,,,,,,, darn.

Yes, you did help me thank you so much. Now, I understand to this degree. But you know what gets to me is that he never had the decseny to apolgoize for anything. And sometimes I think that what his intentions were towards me and that's one thing I will never find out.

Every holiday or event passes by I seem not to enjoy them anymore. Why, because he never made it special. I get emotional during those times.

And you know all I tried to do was the right thing into talking about the problems and the issue's and trying to explain things to him that what ever he's saying or doing better stop because on my part it would had become alot worser and he would go off being worser on his side too. And the issue's have been left out on the open and nothing is solved. And it wil always been open. And I've always imagined when I did end things with him that we talked about our issues and problems so when we both left we would leave without any reastmeant towards each other and now i cant stand him anymore. And you have no idea on how hard it was on me to go full No Contact. And the hard part is that trying to get people to beleive me anymore. Not even my own husband would beleive me. So what did I do i gave my self closure. And let things out in the open and maybe one day things will resolve itself. But I dont want it to come to terms where i have to face it in reality one day I know i'm not going to take it good at all. Thanks for listening.





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camilionwords1truth said:
sally-i

Even though there was no hitting each other--there is also emotional and phychological abuse. I have been there and it is not fun. When we yell out or lash out hurtful words in any way, it is abuse. No one deserves abuse, not even your ex. I understand how it can be so frustrating when someone is yelling in your face and calling you every name in the book and then some--how bad it can really hurt your heart. Once words have been spoken, they cannot be taken back, and are very hard to convince someone you did not mean to say them.

Anger can get the best of anyone and if we are not careful, it can be very abusive. Violence is always an indicator of abuse. No one has the right to be violent towards you. I know hun, it must have been hard to let things go not talking things out--but once his anger started showing that was an indication to just let go for your safety.

I also wanted to say that WMD was just trying to point out that a lot of times in a relationship--in the beginning a guy will go out of his way to be nice and after a while when there is no response in noticing the little things they may do, they take it as we do not care. Not saying you per say, but in general.

sally-i, I do not know if I have helped you or not. But I can tell you from experience that yes, emotional and phychological abuse are some of the most lasting kind. Physical abuse is terrible but the marks to the outside world go away--the marks left inside that no one sees are much harder to deal with and heal.

I hope you know that you are welcome to pm me if you would like. Thank you for taking the brave step you took to share this with us. We are here to support and help each other through. You took the first step.

cami

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I_WMD said:
. Start with short as Possible :

I dont see bad stuff happening in my future no. I have been married for almost 3 years and I have no children. That's right I didnt know what happened why you ask is because beginning of the relationship with my ex from his side of family has been tense for a while due to problems with his mother over our relationship and I always think that she had a part of this that made him go over the edge.

Relationship ended in 2003 and our contact had become less. Back in 2005 when he learned that I got married that's when H broke loose. Correct for a short period of time I was trying to get my belongings back from him after 4 years of relationship and basically the communication went on basically battling with him trying to get my stuff back which he didnt want to give back and thats when he started becoming verbally abusive after all this he sent me stuff just last year after 4 years.

As I said before I wanted to do the right thing and dicuss the tension that has been built up for a long time but it was always him hanging up the phone or I dont want to talk about it. Sort of thing. So i left it alone and one day things will unfold by it self.

. Can that be possible at your present thought process?
Your visions as to ,, future ,, kids ,, & everything else . You made a choice to leave and things drifted apart ?? = you didn't know what happened ?

So then , [ after relationship ended ] , during the drifting apart ,, { as I think I am reading right } . You in 2003 & 2005 ,,, you ended it because it "started to fall apart big time ".? But you al still mutually hung up on one another for what ever reasons as you alls convo went .

But you had issuses that needed to be discussed ???

>>>>>>. Actually I have had the samething happen , = I CALLED IT M O V E ON !!!

Hope that supports you without offense ,,, Why Beat a Dead Horse .!!! .

Am editing the last part of this post >>>>. Read some other of your posts ,,,,, and found some say the same thing >>>> at the end you say If you have any advice or comments <<< { not verbatum } but same desire .... others opinions . . Oh shoot ,,, forgot to edit ,,,,,,,,,,,,, darn.

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((((sally-i))))

Gentle Hugs (if that is okay). Sometimes, things are just left better alone even though it may be hard and we want so much to make things right and have no resentment there. Sometimes people do not know how to resolve problems for whatever reason. Maybe they never learned it growing up or it was something that never was done to them, so they cannot or will not give the thought of it to anyone else.

As long as you in your heart have made resolution, you can walk with your head up. Why put yourself through anymore fighting? You do not deserve it. You are a human being with needs and desires that should be met. If he cannot meet them, there is someone out there that can.

As far as holidays go, I understand. I get very quiet and down around holidays for more than one reason. My childhood ruined all holidays for me but also holidays were ruined by my ex-husband when he left me. I lost the holidays with my children and had to settle for holidays that were never on the original day. I do not know if that is the exact same way you feel, but, I just did not look forward to the holidays anymore because my children were not there.

Hun, sometimes trying to do the right thing is great but if only one person is willing to work on the problem then there is nothing you can do. You have done your part, the rest is up to him. Kill him with kindness--he will not know what to do. But at least you know in your heart that you are doing the right thing.

Keep writing and reaching out here. You are cared about and validated for what you feel. You are not alone, and I do care.

cami

((((((((((( sally j )))))))))))