[RioReport]

Sorry if I shouldn't of posted this here..

Basically I have this weird ''relationship'' and I'm really confused as to how to feel about it. I'm 18, he's 42. We met online but not with the intention of being in a relationship, or the intention of anything really. It was on a sort of educational BDSM site two years ago. He's married (though says it isn't romantic or sexual anymore..) and does have another girlfriend. The open relationship suited me at first then as time has gone on and we've fallen in love it makes me feel...strange, the foundations of our relationship is really our Dom/sub dynamic but recently it's started to bother me because of articles I've read on eroticized and romanticized dominance..

I just dont feel like he actually loves me, and if I were to say I dont want to continue a D/s relationship I feel like he would just stop wanting to be with me. I fully recognise how obsessive I can be and my daddy issues that are laced through the relationship. Plus I have depression, BPD and anxiety, and he's an ex addict. We both admit to having sex and/or love addiction.

Everytime I try to end it he says he's always going to be there if I change my mind which makes me feel like there's no real closure. It's always one rule for him and another for me, he can tell me about whom he's having sex with etc but I mention I've met someone nice and he just ignores it. He ignores anything that matters to me that ISN'T him, but I constantly encourage and support him.

In two years I dont think he's ever complimented me in a way that wasn't sexual. I just hate feeling like someone's option when they're my priority.

I love him, I know that 100%. But it causes far more pain than it does joy, it feels like a moderate level of emotional control.

I let the few friends I had slip away and stopped caring about much apart from pleasing him and getting his approval. Then recently I applied for an art course and he doesn't encourage my aspirations.

I've heard how stupid I'm being over and over from a lot of people, but I just need genuine, logical guidance.

Thankyou.

[Caretaker Leo]

You are not stupid. But you are still young and have a whole life ahead of you. Don't let it get destroyed by someone who isn't really there 100% for you.

Perhaps you might contemplate why you want to be in a relationship with someone who is so much older than you as well. Is he actually a "father figure" to you? Not uncommon at your age - but unlikely to work out well in the long run.

From what you've shared so far, it more sounds like he is in a mid-life crisis and gets a kick out of being with someone young. An ego-booster for him.

I suspect that your friends who are telling you that you are stupid are just trying to let you know that they care about you. Take time and reconnect with your friends and definitely take the art class. Become who you are - true love with the right person will come in time.

[RioReport]

It always frustrates me that my relationship can be deemed unhealthy by people that aren't in love with the person I am..If that makes any sense.
I dont want to give up the person I'm in love with for the illusive pursuit of a healthy relationship. If it even possibly exists. How can I be in one if I'm the issue?

[IceCreamKid]

Considering you have "daddy issues" I think you should tell your parents you are being preyed upon by a man old enough to be your father and have been since you were a minor.

[RioReport]

I don't feel I've been preyed upon. It isn't like he's groomed me or anything.

My mother thinks certain age gaps are ''wrong'' and I dont really see my father. Talking to either of them about anything is an almost impossible task, if my mother wont directly address my depression, she certainly isn't going to help me with relationships.

[RioReport]

He says that he likes it when I hurt myself, I've been a cutter since I was 12. That isn't ''normal'' is it? For him to say he likes it?

[Open Eyes]

RioReport,
No, it is not right that he tells you that he likes it when you hurt yourself. That is way beyond Creepy. Someone who would say anything like that is someone who likes to abuse. Yes, abuse, and the fact that this man even wants to be with a young girl your age is a BIG RED FLAG, my dear. He is a PREDITOR dear. And believe me THEY ARE OUT THERE.

Rio, your only 18 and believe me, your life has just bearly gotten out of the starting gate. There is no way any RESPECTABLE, WORTHWHILE MAN would invite such a young girl into a relationship of any kind. These men are ALL OVER THE NET, searching for VICTIMS all the time, UNSUSPECTING young girls like you who will want to be loved SO BADLY that they WILL ALLOW THEMSELVES TO BECOME VICTIMS.

I hope you WAKE UP to reality. You HONESTLY DESERVE to have a NORMAL life being with a man that age IS NOT NORMAL AT ALL. And as I said, you only THINK you love him, THATS WHAT PREDITORS WANT YOU TO THINK. Then they try to meet you and that is VERY DANGEROUS. You would be handing yourself over to A TERRIBLE PREDITOR.

That is MY OPINION ON THIS MATTER. I am not going to dance around you, you deserve to hear the TRUTH.

Open Eyes

NO!!!! It is most definitely not normal!! I'm sorry, but that is awful. This is not someone who LOVES you. Love isn't wanting the other person to hurt or suffer in any way, it's the opposite.

You referred to your relationship as weird, he is married and has another girlfriend, he doesn't let you have closure when you tell him it's over, he has one set of rules for you and another for himself, he ignores all your interest except for your interest in himself, this is causing you far more pain than joy, and you feel like it is a moderate level of emotional control. Plus he likes you to hurt yourself.

Ok I do not know a lot about BDSM, so forgive me if this is all part of it, and even if it is, you are clearly not comfortable with it, nor do I think you should be. What I see is a man who does not respect you, love you, or even so much as care about you. I hate saying that because it sounds so harsh, but it is very very clear. I would consider this more than moderate emotional abuse. This is very abusive! He sounds extremely controlling and dangerous.

Healthy relationships are possible, have you thought about getting some therapy to help you sort through some of this? I mean, I really really think it would be worth it for yourself.

What is it about him that you know you are in love with him? You are pretty young, and I don't say that to offend, just that when I was that age, I was married to an abusive man, and I thought I knew I loved him with all my heart. But the thing was I didn't really know what real love was or meant, since I hadn't really received much love growing up. It took me a long time to realize that it wasn't love, maybe infatuation, but not love.

I'm not saying this is you, but it does remind me of myself, big time. I think you should take your art class, do things for yourself, do things that make you feel good, and I think you should try the therapy route, if you are not already doing that. I dunno but I wish you the best.

Open Eyes and I posted while I was typing away, but I could not agree more, this reeks of abuse! I am scared for you, just from what you have written here.

[RioReport]

I've been in a very badly abusive relationship before, though I'd rather not talk about it. So I was aware of and looked out for warning signs and I didn't see any. Though I may seem it from my inability to properly vocalise my thoughts or opinions I am not your typical naive 18 year old because whilst my friends were busy worrying about which lipstick to wear I was busy survivng. Ultimatley he wants to take care of me, but our Dom/sub dynamic gets in the way of a regular relationship.

[needfixing]

i am sorry if this sounds harsh but...
its not the age gap thats the problem its he's married, he's a pig, and a sorry excuse of a man.

[RioReport]

Anika..I suppose because of my previous relationship I didn't see this one as abusive at all really..I feel like maybe I'm blowing everything out of proportion and getting paranoid for no reason. I'm very emotionally demanding and needy and he always gives me what I need when I need it, which must be difficult for him because he has other people to care for.

I wasn't your typical 18 year old either, I was homeless for my entire youth. In what way is he "taking care" of you? Like I said, I don't know a lot about Dom/sub relationships. But I can clearly see that this is abuse. There really isn't much guess work. Abuse comes in many disguises. I doubt his being emotionally supportive to your needs is that hard for him. Clearly he isn't doing a very good job of it or you wouldn't be here, or be feeling like you do.

Most worriesome is that this is having a huge negative effect on you, which is why you are seeking support here. I can see many red flags in just one post, it is usually harder to see it while you are in the midst of it.

I'm sorry but I can't say that this is ok. Even you aren't really ok with it. You are not blowing it out of proportion.

[RioReport]

He really helped me to heal after my last relationship, he encouraged me to go to support groups or therapy (both of which I've tried, including a stint on Prozac, but when you're under 20 they never take you seriously.) I feel that I love him because it's a calm, steadily growing love as opposed to the frenzied, explosive sort I had before.

Ok but you already said he doesn't encourage you ever. It sounds like to me you are getting nervous about what you posted and are now trying to make him look good, I may be out of line, but this is typical in abusive relationships, and it is exactly why people stay in them.

I really am not trying to sound like a ***ch, but I am very concerned.

[RioReport]

You don't..And I'm grateful for your help..Thankyou, truly.

[Confusedinomicon]

I think the biggest problem here shouldn't be your age.

There are Dom/Sub relationships where both parties are intimately close and healthy. Even in a BDSM relationship, I don't think it's right for the Dom to be okay with you harming yourself. There might be punishments set out for you if you are 'out of line', but they should always be talked about and both parties should have full agreement to it. I have never been in this type of relationship but I was always under the notion that for 24/7's to work, there has to be a lot of trust. I was also under the notion that a Dom will listen and try to help the Sub and that the relationship structure is mutual.

It is bull that he uses the 'dynamic' as a reason why he cannot help you or get closer? to you. You can still get a degree in art, and still be highly successful in the work place but come home and be subservient to him. He can make rules, like 'call immediately after work and come straight home' which you can follow after you leave class, but he should be willing to give you space if you have a group project or something. You can work this dynamic and let it allow you two to pursue pretty normal lives outside of the house knowing that when you go home he is your master.

I don't think neglecting someone else's feelings in a loving relationship, no matter the construct, is fair to either person.

[Caretaker Leo]

Rio, you have been offered some very good, genuine and logical guidance (which you stated you wanted) from people here who I respect. But, it doesn't sound as though you really want to listen and contemplate what has been offered.

All I can do is wish you the best.

[RioReport]

I am cotemplating the wonderful advice given. It's just a huge shock to have the outside perspective see everything as highly abusive..I didn't expect that is all.

To clarify what I said about making him look good. I mean, when the victim starts to question things, and see it for what it is, it is scary, and of course if you continue to admit it is abuse then you have to make a choice. So to avoid that and the uncomfortable feelings, the victim will start to look for evidence that the abuser does care, as in he encouraged you to go to therapy. If you can rebuild in you head the image that this person is good , because hey look, they did do something nice for me, it negates all the bad, and you are free to continue along just as before.

[RioReport]

Now that I've been told that it all looks like it could get really bad, I can make decisions with more perspective..I dont want to go through what I have before.

Thankyou <3

None of us want that for you either, maybe reconsider trying therapy again, with a therapist you are comfortable with. And keep posting here if that helps, there are some really really great people here, who would never mind listening to you or giving you support.even if it is just to rant. Check out the BPD, anxiety and survivors of abuse forums too, if that interests you.

[Harley47]

Hi Rio.

I know this must come as a bit of a shock. That isn't unexpected. I think a part of you, despite saying you wanted genuine, logical advice, wanted us to validate what you feel. That isn't anything abnormal or anything of that nature.

I do think though that this isn't a good thing. Like others, I am not very well versed in the BDSM culture, but I don't think he should like it when you hurt yourself...that isn't okay. At all. Someone who loves you wouldn't want to see you hurt yourself (at least in the manner you're talking about...I understand BDSM can accompany a little...roughness, for lack of better wording, but that's different). Furthermore, I don't think the fact that he's married is a good thing, even if you are okay with an open relationship. Marriage is supposed to be love a dedication to one person and one person alone. If he wants to be in an open relationship, he doesn't need to be married, you know? That strikes me as a huge red flag. Just because his marriage is not going well is not an excuse.

I think the fact that he doesn't encourage you is bad in itself...it shows a very self centered attitude and a lack of concern for you outside of sex, which is unhealthy. If I were you, I would get out of this and find someone your age. I don't think this is you...this is him. He is the problem here, not you.

I hope I was of some help. Take care. I will be praying for you.

EDIT: My post got in a little late. I think you're making a very wise decision in reconsidering. Again, take care.

[Open Eyes]

Rio,
It sounds like you only learned to be a victim. And when someone is kind at all as mentioned above, you open the door, giving them some kind of value. Preditors don't come right out with who they really are, they DO come across as NICE and CARING.
Preditiors try to give good advice, they appear to be caring and concerned and they even talk about how unhappy they are and how being with you could make them happier. All this is done to make you think that you have value, something that you are questioning (especially at your age). But make no mistake, it is their own needs that are important to them, not yours. Even the fact that this man is married is showing you that he is not thinking about his family, his own children, he is only thinking about HIS needs.

You have to learn the WARNING signs of these kind of people. You don't have to live your life as a victim over and over again. You should be looking for someway to educate yourself and work on yourself and not stay in a position where you NEED to be taken care of somehow.

Your friends do recognize the warning signs, they don't have the victim mentality and they can see that you are heading down a dangerous path. Sometimes that is also a good way to see that you are not seeing the truth.

Open Eyes

[RioReport]

He doesn't have children. Seeing my own father cheat on my mother and have a child with someone else whilst he was with her leads me to draw a line at that. If he had children I would never of entered into a relationship with him.

It's all just shaken me up a lot, I never felt like a victim, even though I had been one of domestic violence, it was just something that happened and I dealt with it. I wento into this purely for sex and when feelings developed it felt so natural..So now I'm trying to go over things and figure out some sort of tipping point framed by what everyone on here has said, to see where it started.

[Open Eyes]

It sounds like you have been with him and not just on line then? If you were in a situation where domestice violence occured it can be hard to have a sense of self worth. But you CAN build that self worth in yourself even if your parents failed to provide you with a sense of worth from them, they are just people after all, not the way to base all people by or even your self worth.

You say that this relationship with this much older man is just for sexual reason?
Why? Why not invest in yourself, further your education and be an independant person, for YOU? You are young enough to have a rewarding life, YOUR LIFE.
It really sounds like this person is not the direction you should continue to waste your time on. Set better boundaries and goals for yourself, because it doesn't really matter who, or what your parents are, you can be someone on your own. That is what you should work on first, rather then being some older married guys sex toy, which, when he get tired of YOU, he will just turn to someone else, just as he is doing now.

You need to stop wasting your time with others playing on your life, take charge of your own life and set higher standards for your self.

Open Eyes