Totally new and really confused.

At first it was to educate myself as a submissive, and then through the deep, mutual trust you have to develop together things started to get romantic.

I dont know if the sexual part of our relationship becomes a problem day to day because of our roles. I didn't expect anything bad to happen because it wasn't supposed to be a relationship beyond D/s..His wife did encourage him to seek out other sexual and romantic partners.

I do like what you said about being someone on my own, but when I'm on my own, both literally and in terms of feeling lonely, it makes me feel like I dont exist..Like I'm only real if someone's watching or thinking about me.

I hate to ask this, but do you know that his wife asked that of him from anything but him? That seems very odd to me that she would remain married to him but encourage he seek other partners...it'd be easier on them both to just divorce. :/

I think, respectfully, that a relationship solely based on a sexual basis is a lot riskier than one that's based out of emotions first, especially if it's online. That leaves you vulnerable to a lot of unsavory types. I don't think it's at all unusual for you to develop feelings for him, as I think it's hard to share something like that with someone over a length of time and not develop at least something...but I don't think he has any intention of reciprocating your feelings outside of a sexual context.

I'm really sorry Rio. I know this musn't be easy to come to terms with. But you're doing yourself a huge favor by removing yourself from this.

Take care Rio. I am praying for you.

I thought it was odd too at first, but not everyone has a conventional marriage, and marriage doesn't HAVE to mean monogamy. True, he can essentially say what he wants about that and I'd have to believe him. They've been together for a long time and he feels he should stay with her out of loyalty..He doesn't ever leave someone he loves unless they do something wrong.

He says he loves me, and at times I'm sure I can feel it. It just feels wrong to doubt someone on that, if he doubted that I love him I'd be so upset. In my last relationship my partner always wanted me to PROVE I loved him, this time I dont have to, he just accepts it. So I dont want to hurt him by thinking otherwise, if that makes any sense?

That makes perfect sense. I understand what you're saying, and I understand your perspective.

I know it's difficult to doubt him on the basis of "What if's...". It's difficult to sit down and try to compute "calculated risks" in matters of the heart. But I really think you're playing a game of Russian Roulette here, and the risks outweigh the gains. Of course, that is only my thoughts on it.

I hope you can take Open Eyes' advice to heart. Why not take some time to find out what you enjoy, find hobbies and interests that are fulfilling to you? I think that'll help address that feeling of nonexistence you have when alone.

At any rate, you are in all of our thoughts as you go through this. You are not alone.

Rio,
I am getting a better picture of what this older man may mean to you in your mind. And yet, your very confused too. He loves his wife and doesn't plan on leaving her, you say he tells you his wife is encouraging him to have sex with others outside the marriage. Honestly?, it really sounds more and more like all you really are is just a female to relieve his sexual urges, not much more. Yeah, maybe he loves having sex with you, loves the fact that he can have a wife and a girlfriend, but in all honesty?, he is getting all of what HE wants.

Think of this, in eight years he will be 50, and you will still be just 26, still pretty young but, more of your own person. I can tell you, that at 26, you will grow tired of a man his age. What your really feeling is that he is appreciating you, something your parents didn't do for you, but that is a false appreciation Rio, he is the one being selfish. And look at your mother, your father left her, how is her life, did she have an education, a way to fulfill her life, doesn't sound like it, do you want to be like her? You could do better.

You say that you feel empty and alone on your own, but that is typical of your age.
If you went to College, completed your education, even met boys within your age range that were also walking a path to gain independance, you will meet others on a much different level. At 18, are you even planning on educating yourself? Finding something you love to learn, do for a life other than being someone's girl on the side?
If you make it a point to educate yourself, find a direction, at 26, believe me, a 50 year old man will bore you. Your basing your feelings of lonliness when you havent even truely ventured into investing in yourself, finding out what you can do, learn, be.
Your placing a love interest, romance, basically just sex really, way ahead of what you should be doing, loving yourself, taking pride in yourself, pride in slowly making your way in life as an independant person, who will have resources of her own. A young woman who has attained an education, something she has that is her own equity, will not have to stay under the foot of any man. Instead, it will be your choice, knowing that if you change your mind, or the man changes his mind, you will have something of your own, a personal equity in YOU that can be used for yourself. This is what the next few years should be about for you, not just some sex toy for an older man, that will just get older. That path your on, is a dead end path and it doesn't have to be that way.

You need to think about making healthier priorities.

Open Eyes

I dont understand why everyone is saying he cant possibly love me(I know I said I wasn't sure but...I dont know)? People do things wrong without realising because he's had his own lifetime of problems and insecurities that lead him to act in certain ways. I have BPD which makes me push him away and then when he tries to give me space I panic and need him back close again. But he doesn't draw the conclusion that I cant possibly love him because I'm 18 and have issues. I'm in college, I've applied for university, I did my GCSEs whilst in my last relationship so my education doesn't really suffer, I've found a pathway that I'm pursuing.

I cant leave him because I know that it will trigger a major depressive episode and the thought of being like that again makes me want to jump in front of a train.

I am listening, really. I just don't understand WHY. He says he loves his wife yes, but it's more like she's a sibling than his wife.

What if I just end up with a man that's more ''age appropriate'' (even though if gender and race isn't an issue, neither should age) that treats me even worse because I dont know what a healthy relationship is. I literally have no idea. And honestly a ''healthy'' relationship sounds boring as f***, it doesn't sound like there's any passion if everyone just always tries to compromise and not rock the boat too much. How is that any way to live?

It really frustrates me that when I mention my relationship to people and age comes up people actually act DISGUSTED. But when I was with a 19 year old that beat me everyone was all smiles and telling me how wonderful he was?

Yes, this hurts because I wish I could have him all to myself. It makes me feel like I'm not enough to make him happy. I'm angry because I feel no-one ever fully understands what I'm saying.

Can't anyone tell me how to just improve my relationship? How to stop my mental problems from screwing everything up all the time?

Well, we can tell you to get help with your mental issues, and we have, go to therapy. Really, you should go.

You came here talking about things he IS doing that are making you unhappy in this situation. You can work on yourself until you are the mentally healthiest person in the world, but these problems will not improve, because you cannot change him.

I am not comfortable with the age thing, however I didn't really mention it, because just because it wouldn't be something I want, I realize others feel differently about it. The real problem is how he treats you and how it makes you feel. You aren't feeling good about it, that's why you posted. Him wanting you to hurt yourself, or liking it, is the EXACT opposite of love.

I think you are really confused. What is your idea of passion??? Of course healthy relationships can be filled with passion. Passion isn't rocking the boat. Could it be that you are so used to chaos the you cannot imagine life with out it?

If you have no idea what a healthy relationship is , you need to find out. Seriously. Healthy relationships are about respecting each other, value, equality, support, love, just to name a few.. But I just don't see any of this in what you post, except maybe coming from you, but not him.

I'm not as disgusted with the age, although you are only 18, how old were you when you met him, 17 ? you gotta be able to see why people disagree with this, he well into a stage of life that you are not. It pretty easy for a man that age to take advantage of someone your age, especially when you are having emotional difficulties.

I am disgusted with how he treats you, and doesn't he have not just a wife, but another girlfriend also, you said that in your first post, so you are the sex, to the girlfriend on the side, to the wife. I don't really know how to help you unless you want to get real honest about it, I don't think this is even really a relationship, except on your side. And you can not have a one sided relationship.

Love is an emotion of strong affection and personal attachment. Love is also a virtue representing all of human kindness, compassion and affection; and "the unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another".

I underlined the last statement, because that is exactly part of what's missing.

If you go from unhealthy relationship to unhealthy relationship to unhealthy relationship, how will this help you work on you emotional problems instead of just help you accumulate more of them ?

I know it wont..I know I should be by myself for a year or so and go to therapy. I know what I SHOULD be doing. I just cant seem to actually do it.

I was 16 when I met him... I was in my other relationship from 14-16.

Why is it impossible for people to love me? What is it that I do that makes people hate me?

Ok so he is a PREDATOR. Honesty. That isn't ok. Not at all. What does a 40 year old man want with a 16 year old? If you had a daughter would this be ok with you?

I've tried giving everything, giving nothing, giving somewhere in between but it's never good enough, I cant make him happy..

I dont see our age gap as an issue..Do you know how boring it is talking to an 18 year old BOY? They can barely string an intelligent sentence together. It's wonderful to be able to have an actual conversation that doesn't include the words football or Xbox.

OK look, I doubt his wife knows you were a minor, if she even knows about you at all. And if she did then she needs help as well. I have absolutely no sympathy for men who pray on teens or children. NONE. So I am not even gonna go there.

He doesn't want a relationship with you, you said that wasn't the intentions from the start. He is using you for sex and his own selfish needs. This guy does not give two hoots about you. If he did he would have never gotten involved with you in the first place. The only way to correct this "relationship" is to walk out on it immediately and do not look back.

He isn't looking to you for happiness, he is only looking to you for sex, and that is all.

If you were an adult when this came about the age thing might be different, but you were a minor, that is completely different.

You need to stop trying to make men happy and learn to make yourself happy first. If you don't value yourself first, you will continue attracting these very types. You set the tone for how you are treated, not the other way around.

Like you said, is this any way to live? You need to start putting yourself first, do it, get yourself some help, work and focus on yourself. You haven't even had time to do that yet. You don't want to waste your whole life feeling like this do you? I've been abandoned by my parents, lived on the streets, been sexually abused, and raped, been beaten almost to death by my first husband. If I did not get help where would I be now? In the exact same place. But I am not, I got help, I worked on my self, have a good relationship now, but most importantly I have a good relationship with myself. I am not going to be robbed of my life. If I can do it, so can you, I wasn't the most strongest person in the world.

Yeah..I guess that's right.

And not all people hate you, I don't hate you, not even close.

You need to learn to love yourself, so you know what love is, what it feels like. What attracted you to BDSM or dom/sub in the first place? Is this really what your prefer is, or is what this you have learned to be acceptable treatment of yourself ?

I'm torn between accepting it as a healthy expression of sexuality and what my therapist said last time I was there nearly a year ago..She drew a tonne of parallels between why I was drawn to BDSM and my feelings towards my parents, towards my ex, towards myself..And all of that just makes it FEEL like something I shouldn't want, which in my head is the same as making someone that's gay feel ashamed.

I suppose it was because there always felt like there woas something...lacking in sex before I found it.

I'm not saying what is wrong or right. It's just something that sticks out to me too. I don't think your therapist was completely off the mark. And it's not the same thing as being gay. Neither is something to be ashamed of. But the line seems blurry, coming from abuse and creating a sex life that reflects that also. Something to at least consider.

Maybe the thing lacking in sex was love?

I dont think that it was love..I honestly do believe he loves me. It's just the WAY that he shows it is a bit skewed at times, it's the same for me too..So it's something we have to work on.

Well I can't really say more than I've already said. You seem to flip from realizing this isn't healthy, unhappy with him, to blaming yourself, and then to it's not really a big deal.

I do hope you will get some help and be open to what a therapist has to say.

You can lead a horse to water......

Thankyou everyone for such clear, brilliant advice and for being so patient.

Yes, one can lead a horse to water, but cannot make it drink, true. But eventually that horse will have to drink to stay alive. The posters that have come forward have told you where to find healthy clean water and not the stale water that just is handed to you.

Having someone appreciate you at your age can be a draw, anywhere it happens to present itself. If it is because of the mere fact of your youth and that you can provide and outlet for someones sexual release, often that is overlooked simply for the sense of somehow being important to at least someone. In some way, sex can give a sense of some kind of power and it can be somewhat easy power. But it really isn't power at all, it isn't real love, it isn't REAL appreciation either.

You say his compliments towards you are skewed, are they really? Perhaps what is really happening is that he is speaking the truth, his love for you is all about how you physically meet his needs. It is you that is scewing the messages because you want to think he actually loves YOU as a human being.

He told you that he LIKES it when you cut? Oh that is because he is feeding into his desire for you to be passive more and more, giving him a sense of power. He isn't thinking about what cutting really means to someone who does it, it is the one way that person deals with pain and disappointment and anger, it seems to dull the pain
somehow. It taps on to the body's senses for dulling in releasing certain chemicals and so it distracts the mind from emotional pain, that is all. No, he doesn't care about that, doesn't care about your emotional pain, he only cares about his needs being met. And if you really pay attention, he is telling you the truth about what he loves, it is the sex you provide him with. And his wife? she already knows there is no power in that, perhaps her permission to him is more about going somewhere else for that.

Are you even making any plans to invest in yourself? Are you even considering how you might nourish something else you may have that you are overlooking? Surely you have something there you can learn more about using, everyone has some kind of gift, something they can be good at doing (other than just sex).

Don't know?, well, the first thing to do is get a base education and make a plan to see how, what you learn, are exposed to, can bring out an interest that you may not know is there.

You talk about working on your relationship with this man? So is that your main goal now? All your efforts, energy towards some man that gives you the truth in his compliments, yet you want more? Are you pretending that he doesn't get his other needs met perhaps by his wife? After all he talks about loving her, loving her without the sex from her. Oh you wouldn't understand that now would you? No, not at 18 you wouldn't because up until this point, YOU HAVE NOT EXPERIENCED THAT YET.

Rio, you have talked about how disfunctional your family is. You never got to see REAL FUNCTION, AND A WORKING RELATIONSHIP. So what are you thinking? Oh, that because of that, YOU HAVE TO LOWER YOUR OWN STANDARDS OF LIVING?
WHY,? Just because your parents OBVIOUSLY DIDN'T KNOW HOW, doesn't mean YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW THEIR FOOTSTEPS.

Ok, so just because your parents didn't value you somehow, show you love somehow, YOUR GOING TO BASE YOUR SELF WORTH ON THEM? Rio, they are just two people in a world of people and they obviously DIDN'T KNOW VERY MUCH, maybe because THEY DIDN'T INVEST IN GAINING MUCH KNOWLEDGE EITHER.

So, you don't really know how a HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WORKS. SO, you make a decision to LEARN about it, go and educate yourself, BE SOMETHING MORE THAN YOUR PARENTS. You honestly don't have to FOLLOW THEIR LOWLY PATH. You CAN empower yourself BEYOND THEIR IGNORANCE.

Rio, YOUR ONLY 18, and whatever experience you have IT IS NOT THE PRODUCTIVE EXPERIENCE you NEED TO HAVE to KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. You can learn just like many others do, you honestly can. But in order to do that you have to make a decision to actually start down that path. No, none of the members here can MAKE you do that. Only you can do that. And the only thing that the members here can tell you is THAT YOU ACTUALLY "CAN" DO THAT.

Open Eyes

Yes, the next time your with this older man looking for more, remember what you said right here. "You can lead a horse to water...."

Your brain deserves to learn more, maybe guys your age don't know much right now, ok, that could be true. But the age on this partner only offers just tidbits for your brain to be educated, not real brain food. Your brain is only going to provide if you actually invest time in giving it REAL brain food.

At least you took one step in the right direction. You decided to ask a good question.
Open Eyes

Honestly, just as he probably doesn't tell me the full truth, or truth my omission of all the facts, I do the same to him when it suits me. EVERYONE does this in every aspects of their lives.

If somewhere inside me, which I wouldnt want to conciously admit, I actually enjoy relationships like this. And this time I get all the emotional drama without physical abuse.

Maybe I just need to admit to myself that I WANT my relationship to be like this, and if that is the case then there is nothing wrong with that. I can LEARN all I want, but eventually I'm going to have to mold any knowledge to suit me as an INDIVIDUAL. Which means that your views on relationships are wrong to me, because we're not the same person. We write the rules ourselves, NO-ONE can tell me how I love someone or how they love me is wrong. I wouldn't tell anyone ever that the way they love is wrong, perhaps I'd say it was messed up, but I'd also say that it's right for them, so great.

He makes me happier than I have ever been in my entire life. I dont even think about killing myself that much anymore. How can someone that makes me want to live be bad to have in my life?

Also. you dont have to experience something to understand it, if that were the case for someone, if they couldn't understand without experiencing, that would be called a lack of empathy.

Maybe I did just want someone to tell me that actually everything I described is normal, to feel validated. If he's using me sexually, then surely him using him emotionally, which would be abuse, yes? Telling him I love him if I don't. Using my mental issues as a way to manipulate and control him?

Who ISN'T abusive? Everyone is, because people dont always respond the way we want, it's a natural tool. Of course there's a balance, a line. And I dont think we're anywhere near to crossing that line.

Open Eyes, in most of your posts you've referred time and time again to my age. Using it against me just like you say he is. Where's the difference though? What makes him using it so bad, but you using it okay? I'm GETTING my education. I got top grades in school, I'm getting top grades in college and I'm going to university.
My personal development does not stop with me I enhance my life by connecting with people that can show me new things and change the way I percieve the world, that IS knowledge, that IS learning. Making the same mistake doesn't make you stupid or ignorant, maybe you have to keep making it until you realise it isn't actually a mistake at all, you've been doing it on purpose all along.

I'm not going to live my life worrying about whether or not something is right if it's something that makes me happy.

My hope for you my dear is that you are speaking to a Therapist/ Counselor. To talk with a professional can do wonders for you, they can help you work through your feelings in a non-judgemental way. As you stated before, you know the warning signs of abuse.. so please be safe and on guard; regardless of your love for this man. There is truth in that statement when they say, "Love is blind". I have some experience here and I am now older dealing with things I wish I had the strength to deal with when I was younger. I wish you the best, be safe and take care yourself!