An admission

I'm a little nervous to write this post, because for most of you that have been reading my posts about my boyfriend, I feel like you will be thinking I'm an idiot for what I'm about to say. But here it goes.

Deep down, I think I've always know my boyfriend has an alcohol problem, to load on top of all the other issues I've mentioned. I have never used the term alcoholic to describe him, but I am finally ready to admit that I believe he is an acloholic.

I know he had problems with alochol before we met, but since then he has improved. However lately, hes started drinking too often again, and when he drinks hes been drinking too much (can never have a few drinks- always gets loaded). And one of the biggest problems for me- I have a huge problem trusting him when hes drinking, because of the incidents I have mentioned in my previous post. He is a different person when he drinks. When hes sober, he truly is an amazing guy, and an amazing boyfriend. When hes loaded he is a different person. He can be loaded without doing stupid things, but there has been too many times he has done stupid things, always when loaded. For you that have read my previous posts, everything he has done: drunks texts/trying to buy drugs, was when he was loaded. I know this is not an excuse. BUT the reason I am still with him and still trying is because I feel like I'm dating two different people: "sober boyfriend" and "drunk boyfriend."

On Monday, we were over at a friends place. His friend had a bad day. He wanted to go out for a couple drinks. For an hour. My boyfriend went. He finally returned three and a half hours later, completely hammered. I was furious. We both had to work the next day, it was late. I was very upset that after promising it would only be a few drinks and an hour, it ended up being three and a half hours and obviously more than a few drinks. Upset, but honestly not surprised. I told him I was getting worried about his drinking. He agreed he was drinking too much, and said he should slow down.

On Wednesday night, my boyfriend hung out with a friend from his hometown that he hadn't seen in years. He asked me if I could pick him up later and bring him home. (He doesn't have a driver's license due to drinking and driving charge he got long before we met). I agreed that I would come get him. He text me around 11:30 and I went to pick him up.

When he got in the car, it was obvious he was beyond hammered. I was very upset, but it gets worse. The girl he had drunk texted about hooking up several months ago? He had text her. Just said "Hey whats up" but I was livid. I lost it. She hadn't answered. He then text her best friend and asked if she'd changed her number. Then the first girl text back saying "not answering". Even she knew it was wrong.

I really lost it. He had promised he wouldn't speak to her. That they couldn't remain friends after what happened. I started yelling. He was too drunk too really have a conversation with. He actually went in his phone and deleted the messages after I had seen them, then tried to pretend he had no idea what I was talking about! "Drunk boyfriend" strikes back. I dropped him off at his parents and went back to my apartment alone. I didn't go to work the next day I was so upset. He tried apologizing over text, saying he knows it was wrong blah blah blah I DON'T CARE. He should have come over last night as we obviously need to have a serious talk. He didn't come. Didn't have a ride apparantly.

So I told him after work tonight, I don't care what his plans are, I need to see him in person before he does anything else, we need to talk.

Now here's the part where you will all be thinking I'm an idiot. I'm not outright breaking up with him. BUT I am breaking up with "drunk boyfriend." I have had it. I love him so much, but I can't be hurt anymore. I know he would never intentionally hurt me or do any of these things sober. But it's different when hes drunk. So I need to tell him its me or drinking. And I am terrified. I know there is a very good chance I will lose him all together. I don't want to lose "sober boyfriend" but I can't be with "drunk boyfriend" anymore. I know I need to do this, and its going to be very hard and emotional. I really hope I can count on having some support here

I'm so sorry he betrayed you again I'm not an alcoholic, but my experience with them is that the alcohol gets rid of their inhibitions and they say and do exactly what they WANT TO, but CAN'T do sober. My ex's mom (alcoholic) she always said, 'a drunken person speaks a sober mind' and her other favourite, 'pour for courage'. I found out on occassion what she and others REALLY think of me, needless to say, I cut off all contact. Now, idk maybe this is not the case with your bf, maybe he's not got the hots for that girl, but alcohol convinces him he does or changes his personality completely (remember, I'm not an alcoholic, I'm speculating on it's effects) If that is the case then there is hope for you 2 yet Well even if he falls under the former, it could also work, but I wouldn't want a bf that had the hots for someone else, wether he acts on it or not, so it's entirely your choice. ANYWAY, I'm rambling again, Nina, I hope he get's help, and I hope you finally get your happiness, you are deserving and worthy.

Thank you, you are one of the people I was hoping to respond. And I understand what you mean. I know when I drink, it gives me courage to do things I'm too nervous to do/say sober. I don't know how he feels about this other girl. I know he has known her for a long time, so I guess I believe if he wanted to be with her he would have. I'm of course more hoping he doesn't actually have the hotts for her, because like you said, I don't want to be with someone who has the hots for someone else either, whether he acts on it or not. I have eyes for him and only him, and I would hope he would feel the same. Drinking changes him and it has to stop- thats really all I know.

I hope he sees your ultimatum for what it is, and doesn't think you're trying to control him I hope your talk is productive.

Everybody has a good side and a bad side. But I think ya wanna find a bad side like, he's TOO generous, or his teeth are TOO white, or even he loves his mother too much, or he works or golfs too much. This kind of alcoholic bad side - is just not how you want to spend your time, how you want to live your life. Cos it sounds more like a lifestyle he has than anything else. And who changes their lifestyle? Ask a weight-watcher how hard that is! Good luck.

I really commend you on how you hold yourself together during all of this. Until he gets the help he needs you will continue to go down this path of hurt and pain. Sadly the decision needs to be made here, I hope you have the strength to do what needs to be done. Good luck

Thank you. Even though this is a very hard day for me, deep down I feel some sort of inner peace because I know things can't continue the way they are, and I have finally made the decision to change them. Easier said then done I guess as I know as soon as I see him it will be that much harder, but I know things have to change. I'm trying to stay strong, even though it feels next to impossible.

You sound like you are ready to take the necessary steps to move forward.

Oh, man, can I relate to your problem. My ex (notice, I say EX) was a severe alcoholic. But when he was sober, or just a beer or two, he was a great guy. Caring, creative, loving, all that crap. Three (or seven. or ten) Steel Reserves later, he apparently hates me, I'm controlling his every move in life, and I'm the worst thing that ever happened. He would frequently wander off for hours, and explode if questioned about it. Two polar opposite sides of him. I tried the ultimatum. I even asked "Am I really not worth more than a $1.39 can of beer to you". I asked that a lot, actually. For the longest time, he'd say "of course you're worth more". Then one day, he straight up said "No, you're not". You can make ultimatums all you like. He might even agree to them. But unless he examines why he drinks, and probably gets professional help, he will probably keep drinking to excess. I mean, he can't even drive because of drinking, you see? Now, I am being harsh, maybe. And I don't know you. I have no clue who you are or what your struggles are. But I do know you deserve to be treated better than that. Every woman deserves better than that. And every man deserves a better life than being slave to a fermented beverage. The best, healthiest choice I ever made was walking away from a relationship with that man. To this day, he is an alcoholic, and enabled by his mother.

Hi ~ I AM a recovering alcoholic and I know one thing. You can threaten all you want, but only UNTIL he is ready to stop drinking completely for HIMSELF, will he do it. He has to want it more than ANYTHING else or he won't stop. He can't do it for YOU or anyone else. You can beg, threaten, bargain, cry, etc., and it won't work. If he doesn't hit his own "bottom" he just isn't going to quit.

I sure hope he does tho, cause he sounds like a decent guy, which is true for MOST alcoholics. Usually they're good, decent, people who just can't handle life on life's terms. They don't know how to live day-to-day. They might be GREAT in a crisis, but it's the everyday stuff that trips them up. At least that was the way it was for me.

I'm GLAD you're getting away from him -- at least I HOPE you are because if you stay with him, you're hurting him -- you're enabling him. By getting away from him, you're making him see what he's doing to himself and making him face his responsibilities. You won't be tripping the land mines anymore for him.

I wish you the best. I hope he quits. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

Hi Nina. I'm sorry I can't offer any insight since I have no experience with this. Just wanted to offer my sympathy. Hope everything turns out ok.

I think it is great that you want to break up with "drunk" boyfriend. I would do just that; when you are with him and he starts drinking "too much" for you, then leave. Let him know, before you go out, that that is what you are going to do; that he can have a "couple" drinks but after that and you will warn him once you will be leaving if he has another and then do that. Eventually he will either realize he is messing things up and work on fixing them or he'll be someone you don't want to hook up with because he refuses to respect you and/or anyone else's needs; is not "grown up enough" for an adult relationship.

NinaNina,

Coming from a family of alcoholics and users, I definitely agree with Leed.

It is great that you're stepping away from the alcoholic, you have to do that for yourself and for him. If everyone is willing to keep enabling your bf to drink, there's no motivation to stop. Even when everyone who cares for the alcoholic stands together, unites, to get the drinker to wake up to the effects of their drinking, it often isn't enough. Those people need to keep standing strong in their decision to stop enabling the alcoholic. It isn't easy to stand strong, but it is necessary. The decision to stop drinking lies in the head of only the alcoholic.

Hopefully, your bf will soon decide that he doesn't want to drink anymore. But, that is a decision that he's going to have to make. I wish you the best. I hope that your bf finds the motivation and resilience to quit drinking soon.

Very best wishes and hugs to you!

hang on and stick to your decision and i totally agree with Leed

Hello everyone. I just wanted to thank you all for your support and words of wisdom-I appreciate them all so much. I thought I would share an update of this situation with you.

My boyfriend and I had the talk on Friday after I was finished work. It went "well" in the way that I said everything I wanted and needed to say. After a lengthy speech and lots of tears, it came down to me saying that it was either me or alcohol, he could no longer have both, so if drinking was that important to him we were finished. He held me tight after this. He was fairly quiet through most of me talking, he did not argue, and agreed with everything I said.

He said he really is in love with me and doesn't want to lose me. I told him it wasn't that easy, he wouldn't just be able to stop drinking like that, and he said he knew but he would do it if it meant staying with me.

This weekend we spent the weekend camping with his friends at mud drags/races. This is normally an event where my boyfriend would be loaded from Friday to Sunday. I met him there late Friday night, as he went up with a friend after our talk. When we met up he had not had a single beer as of yet. I am happy and somewhat surprised to say he did not get intoxicated at all over the weekend. He WAS drinking beer, but few and he drank very slowly. It was clear he was not at all intoxicated at any time. Of course I would have preferred if he hadn't drank at all, but I am satisfied with how he was over the weekend. His friend tried to get him to do shots of whisky as well, which he did not do. My boyfriend said he had a good time over the weekend, and it was really nice to actually remember the mud drag weekend "for once."

I know this stuggle is far from over, but I'm hoping were headed in the right direction.

P.S. He deleted the female friend's number out of his cell before we had our talk. About time.

Leed couldn't be more right. I grew up with an alcoholic parent and nothing was enough to stop the drinking, and it ultimately led to my father's death in his early 60's. When sober, my dad was a nice guy and I was very much a daddy's girl, but that wasn't often. I knew him most of my life as a drunk, who was not functional, didn't care how his drinking affected his wife or children, and did whatever he could to keep drinking. After maxing out credit cards, we found out that he was trying to sell our house in secret to get more money to drink! It's amazing, the influence this legal drug can have.

I was damaged from that and my mother's abuse, but I lived my entire life watching him die and without the love of either parent. Alcohol destroyed my life and I suffer from so many problems as an adult because of it. And to see someone you love wither away? That would be worse to see than to feel the pain with the nasty things he's done with the texting, etc. Both of you deserve better than that. He needs to feel that he's worth more than he does for him to stop doing this to himself and you, and you need to know that you are worth more than he is willing to give you right now.

The good news is that he recognizes and seems to admit that he has a problem. That really is the first step, but ultimately he needs to seek help. He cant do it for you, because of you, or be forced by you. That may get him in the door but if he doesn't do it for himself, he won't stick to his treatment.

Personally, I believe you have a couple ways to approach this, and let me tell you why. As Leed said, nothing you can do will make him stop, but it can be it may be helpful for him to have a support system in place. Sadly but realistically, that shouldn't really be you but something like Sober Living or Alanon and or therapy. I think that you can give him the ultimatum to get help, or the two of you are done. And if he does get help, hopefully your relationship can continue as he seeks it. Maybe in the meantime, you slow things down and see him much less, maybe only communicate by phone most days of the week or something, but keep your distance.

I only say this because I am not entirely sure how serious the two of your are, but I don't think that you are at the point that the relationship is over. I believe Individuals can still receive help with personal problems while in a relationship but you do need to be careful. There is, of course, is always a line to be drawn. If he says he will get help, but doesn't keep up his end of the deal to attend AA meetings, whatever the kind of help he is getting, then walk out the door and tell him you're sorry but you can't do this anymore. It wouldn't be a bad idea for you to attend some Alanon meetings yourself after these experiences for some healing and advice.

I can't say how glad I am to hear that the two of you are living separately because if you lived together, this would be so so so much worse. I hope I understood that correctly that you have your own place.

Good luck

My husband has had an on/off drinking problem for years which escalated recently and brought me to the point you seem to be at now. I stop short of calling him an alcoholic because he can and does go without a drink for weeks at a time, no problem, but when he does drink he's not the same man and he has done and said things which are very damaging, so drink is a problem. It brought about a major crisis when he got drunk and said some extremely hurtful things to me a few months back - that was the wake up for me, and I finally faced up to the issue & my reaction made him face his actions because I was ready to leave (no empty threat, I'd had enough).

The advice you have given here is pretty much what the woman at Al-Anon told me, you are not responsible for his drunkenness or sobriety - only the drinker can choose to change. That was a tough one for me as I tend to take everything on my shoulders where family is concerned (to the point where I gave up all alcohol in order to encourage him even though I have never had a drink problem) but I felt better when I drew the line. He hasn't given up drink but like your bf he has cut down, like you I'm viewing this as a positive step, although I too would rather he gave up totally (as one drink can lead to two etc) we haven't had any of the damaging behaviour since he cut down. The way I see it alcohol takes the safety catch off, yes your bf may have had sober thoughts about this other woman etc but many people do have these thoughts just don't act on them and that's what counts IMO.

My situation differs to yours in that we're married & have a child. You don't have these ties, make the most of that freedom and please be very cautious about your future with this man, which it sounds like you are.

My best wishes, I hope he sticks to sensible drinking limits - do get in touch with Al-Anon if you haven't already.