[Big Mama]

My husband and I have been in a rocky relationship for quite a few years now. He thinks a few months of good behavior will make years of hurt go away. I am so frustrated right now. I am so close to walking away except I firmly believe that is the wrong thing to do. So at this very moment I just set here mad, upset, frustrated and unsure of everything.
Me children and I returned from a weekend trip with my parents. My husband was invited to come along. He was given about 4 weeks notice so he could save $ if he wanted. He declined. I knew he would but the invite was still made so he would not feel left out.
My husband is a little controlling. I was pretty sure he would not want me to go with my parents. But when I asked him he said " sure do what ever you want to do" So I did. I went. It was not like he was going to be home anyway he never is. So why would I want to stay at home alone.
My parents invited me to go with them because they know there was not going to be any vacation for my family this year. I also have no money. They had to pay for the room, amusement park, food, and gas for me and my kids. Usually they just take my older kids, This time it was older younger and me. My dad would not have offered if he didn't want to do it. But instead my husband took offence because he didn't get to take us and my dad did. I guess that threatened hi ability to be a provider. But my husband has no intention of taking us anywhere. None of us want to be locked in a car with him for hours on end. Only to be told when we can eat, where we can eat, and what we will do. He's no fun and ruins everything with his anger and particularness. It was just a shame to ruin a good weekend with this kind of crap. I'm so tired of this beeing the average way things work out. I just needed to dump.
Thank You,
Big Mama

[Leed]

Hi Big Mama ~ If my ex wasn't dead, I'd almost think you were married to him. LOL I'm so sorry you're going thru this. I can totally relate. It's miserable when you're married to a completely controlling man, and have to listen to contant complaints & anger. I did that for 26 years, and finally divorced him. I should have done is sooner but i was afraid of him due to his anger issues, and I stayed for the "sake of the kids." That was a stupid thing to do, cause the kids were affected by him too.

I wish I knew how to advise you other than to say that you two DEFINITELY need counseling -- especially HIM. He really needs help for his anger issues and any other problems he may have. I don't know how you've tolerated him this long. And if this continues, I wouldn't blame you if you left. This kind of life isn't really "life." You say he's a "little controlling" but I have a feeling it's more than a LITTLE controlling, right? You never have any money, right? He makes ALL the decisions, right? This isn't a relationship, it's tyranny! Sounds just like my marriage.

Sweetie, get counseling. You have some decisions to make if you don't. I wish you the very best. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

[MsPaulaBaby]

Crazyy stuff !

Originally Posted by leed

hi big mama ~ if my ex wasn't dead, i'd almost think you were married to him. Lol i'm so sorry you're going thru this. I can totally relate. It's miserable when you're married to a completely controlling man, and have to listen to contant complaints & anger. I did that for 26 years, and finally divorced him. I should have done is sooner but i was afraid of him due to his anger issues, and i stayed for the "sake of the kids." that was a stupid thing to do, cause the kids were affected by him too.

i wish i knew how to advise you other than to say that you two definitely need counseling -- especially him. He really needs help for his anger issues and any other problems he may have. I don't know how you've tolerated him this long. And if this continues, i wouldn't blame you if you left. This kind of life isn't really "life." you say he's a "little controlling" but i have a feeling it's more than a little controlling, right? You never have any money, right? He makes all the decisions, right? This isn't a relationship, it's tyranny! Sounds just like my marriage.

sweetie, get counseling. You have some decisions to make if you don't. I wish you the very best. God bless and take care. Hugs, lee

[teenytiny]

Hi there. I also have been in a position like that. My best advice is get counselling! And yes Definitly him as well... But if he refuses GET OUT!!!

[BDPpartner]

Big Mama I agree with both the above posts. Counselling is needed but not just for you and your husband, I would also have your children see someone. My partner and his siblings grew up with a man similar to your husband and unfortunately all 5 of them have problems now as adults. The male siblings all suffer with anger and control issues,they find it hard to break away from the example they were set. They do however manage in the main to over come but all struggle to maintain healthy relationships with partners and their children. The female siblings have been in relationships plagued with domestic violence and it took quite extreme acts to finally give them the push to leave. All of the siblings have been divorced at least once and several are estranged from their children. Their mother is still with their father but she is so meek that it brings her to tears when anyone does something nice for her, which includes something as simple as taking her a jar of peanut butter. I don't say such things to shock or hurt in any way, but just as a cautionary tale of a families long term reaction to a controlling husband and father. Counselling now may save heartaches later down the line. Good luck and positive thoughts to you and your family

[Big Mama]

Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement. Leed you are so right it's not a little controlling. It's alot. I just don't understand how or why i choose to stay. I live a double life. All is well, I'm happy then, he comes home and I'm walking on eggshells until he goes to sleep. I have no money. He gives me limited gas money so that dictates how often I can get out of the house. He of'course says that's not true, that's all he has to give me. ($75.00 a month) If I use the phone while he is home then I have to play 20 questions with him, I can't watch shows I like, I can't use the computer when he is home either. All attention must be devoted to him. He can talk on the phone and I guess I should just sit back and watch. Thank goodness he is not home much.
We have started counceling and it is one of the scaryiest things I've ever done. To speek the truth is terrifying but even more scary is knowing I may make him mad. My oldest son has already gotten into some trouble. He took a knife to school because he was being bullied. When the principal asked him why did he need to carry a knife he said to protect himself at school and to protect his mom at home. SO GREAT!! He got thrown out of school for a year. We also go intensive in home counceling. The councelor was here 10 hours a week in the evenings after school. Maybe we should just have built her a room here. But she was here enough to see the truth. It caused her to have to make some very tough ethical choices in reguards to my family. We had her here for 6 months. Her last day with us is June 30. I'm terrified without her now.
But any way if my husband did not agree to medication or counceling the she was going to have to make the call to have my kids removed or I'd have to leave with them. Emotional abuse is abuse to. My husband did get on meds. He has OCD and PTSD. But he has since decided they were not helping him. (They really were) But to keep our kids in our home he's agreed to do marriage counceling. We've only been going 6 weeks. Like I said it's scary and triggering alot of things in me. Our councelor also happens to specialize in trauma work which I had issues with before I got married and have certinly developed more since being married. It's been a long 18 years being married to this man. Please pray for my sanity and that things will one day be the way God wants it to be.
Thank Yall and have a blessed Day,
Big Mama

[Big Mama]

BPTpartner it is strange you should mentions one's meekness. This individual cry's when someone does something nice for her. I'm the same way. It is a strange responce I don't understand. If someone tells me I'm proud of you, you are doing a good job, I fall apart. If someone does something nice for me I just want to cry. I'm so grateful someone cares I guess. A lady at our church gave me a winter coat. It was snowing one morning everyone in my family was wearing a coat except for me. She said to me "Where's your coat, I know you've got one"? I didn't say anything my husband was to close but later she asked me if I had a winter coat. I told her no. I was so excited when she gave me a coat. She gave me a barn coat and a church coat. I will be forever grateful. It had been 4-5 years since I had a winter coat. I don't want to burden her with to much info but if she knew the life I lived inside this house it would be very helpfull. She would be in disbelief that this is foing on right here in our own church. My secret would be out. Then what would I do if people knew the kind of emotional abuse that goes on in this house. It's hard to accept help from people, from strangers, just little things and I don't understand why it is so difficult. If people knew then I'd be forced to do something about it possibly. Then I'd be looked down upon even more for not doing something about it and choosing to continue to live like this.
Thanks for listening,
Bib Mama

[Leed]

BigMama, you have GOT to take your kids and GET OUT! I don't care if you have to life in a shelter -- get OUT.

Can you life with your parents? Wouldn't they take you in? Something HAS to be done. You cannot keep living like this. I don't LIKE to suggest that someone leave, but in your case, you really NEED to leave! Maybe it would be temporary, but your safety and the safety of your kids is at stake here.

Please take them and go. Do you want your kids growing up like HIM? Children learn what they live! They're learning to ACT like him! That's tragic. They've got to learn something else -- like how to live a normal life. Go to your parents home. God bless. Hugs, Lee

[BDPpartner]

Big mama the more i hear your story the more it could be the story of my mother in law. It is only now that her children are grown ups that she no longer goes without. I hope your marriage counselling helps, my heart goes out to you. Take care and stay safe

((((Big Mama)))), you are doing all of the right things...please try to focus on the positive steps that you are taking: you are speaking with a T, you are reaching out here on PC, you are opening your circle and reaching out to others in your community in real life.

Perhaps you will (very soon) feel safe enough to speak with this lovely lady again, or with your pastor, so you can take another step.

In the meantime, please keep posting. be safe.

Hugs to you,