[lido78]

So, it's been about two months since my boyfriend and I last had sex. We've been through other periods like this before, but there really seems to be no improvement. His business is in big trouble, and I'm sure he's incredibly anxious and stressed out. However, the stress has been around for the better part of the last two years. He seems completely uninterested in me sexually and, even though we cuddle and he's affectionate, it's never sexual in nature. When these issues first arose, I used to try to talk to him about it. I would try to initiate and try to be flattering or flirtatious...but, now, almost two years later, I've pretty much given up. I don't even know how interested in sex I am any more! I'm not interested in having sex with anyone else, mind you. But, I feel totally turned off...like it just doesn't work any more. This is just not normal...even for someone who is stressed out and anxious. The last time he tried to initiate sex, it was after a big fight (I'd just found out he'd been lying to me about some stuff)...and, this seems to be somewhat of a pattern....he's the most interested when I'm the least interested. I'm not a big one for make up sex...I feel sexiest when we're getting along..not when we're fighting. I feel as if I should initiate because having sex this infrequently is not really "normal," but I don't know that I really even want to have sex. I love him but feel kind of alone. There have been other issues in the relationship and I'm sure these issues make neither one of us feel particularly sexy....that being said, I know other couples with issues and their sex lives seem to be on track...I still care about this...but I'm starting to care less and less...and that has me worried.

[Confusedinomicon]

You should set time out to do intimate stuff, then focus on one thing at a time.
(setting a schedule can be something to help you jump start intimacy, again)

...like foreplay.

http://www.amazon.com/FOREPLAY-DICE-.../dp/B004T9CL8W
(Foreplay dice. Cheap and easy to use. You could probably make your own.)

Do some massage stuff or read stories together...

I think its better to work up towards having sex again and focus on intimacy. When he's touching you, touch him back but try to be a little provocative to see if he reciprocates.

Also, it may help to ask him if he had any early trauma that makes sex as an experience not quite fun.

(Sex is a good stress reliever too!)

[lido78]

When we first started dating three years ago, I did ask him about why he seemed to not be that sexual. He said he'd always been that way but that, in addition, he kind of turned it off when he and his ex-wife were having problems. I think she refused him pretty frequently even before their problems since she was in medical school for much of their relationship. He's not a very romantic guy, and I can't imagine that he'd take time out to work on intimacy...it just doesn't seem to be very important to him...even though we rarely have sex, this doesn't seem to be a problem for him....I'm getting sick of being the one to bring it up...why bother if he doesn't care? He has a problem with emotional intimacy in general, and I sometimes don't know how to connect with him. We're pretty sure has adult ADD, and he can be very scattered and all over the place. He's also not that good with empathy. Strange thing is...he loves animals...he's never cried during a fight, even when we've talked about splitting up but, when he thinks about the dog getting older and dying, he bawls like a baby. I don't know how to reach him and I don't know that my ego can take always being the one to put myself out there sexually....I don't mean to sound like I'm giving up....I want to try but I just can't do it alone. I love him because he's sweet and patient...he listens and is up for trying almost anything (food, adventures, etc.)...but, I just wonder if he really doesn't consider me as a girlfriend...but, more of a best friend. He's not a particularly passionate person...unless it's about soccer or cars....I sure don't feel like he's very passionate about me these days.

[lido78]

The other thing that is probably affecting our sex life is that I've been so involved with helping him with his business problems that I think he almost sees me as part of the business. However, when I try to step back, I worry that things will get worse. At this point, I'm the one pushing him to seek professional advice (lawyers, accountants, etc.) and trying to brain storm over solutions. His business partner lives overseas and has pretty much checked out of the situation...leaving him completely alone with it.

[Onecoldday]

Im sorry that this is happening. The only thing I can think to do is to try to make him see you as his lover and not just a partner. try to do things like you did in the beginning. Dont lose faith in the one you love. Stay positive.

[Confusedinomicon]

You're in a RELATIONSHIP. People need to communicate their needs and tell them about their vulnerabilities. It isn't fair to you that you're GUESSING at what MIGHT be wrong. As a partner, you deserve to be OPENED up to.

I've had these issues with my boyfriend, too. Sometimes its hard to be vulnerable and sometimes its easier to ignore what's wrong. If he really had issues with rejection from his last wife, that probably explains why he avoids it. Unless he admits that he has been hurt by this or whatever hypothetical situation, it will be hard to heal. Guys struggle with emotional problems, too. Sex may not be as fulfilling when you feel internally troubled. Is there any way to breach your concerns? Does he emotionally shut down if you try to ask?

[RomanSunburn]

When you say he's not interested in intimacy or showing passion... I honestly almost feel like that shouldn't matter. Because you two are a team, and you are interested in those things. Just like you show interest in his business because it's his and you love him. Relationships are about give and take. He has to be willing to meet you half way, and you have to be able to discuss these things together.

I also agree that maybe you need to try to build up to it again. Plan date nights. Start with someone casual once a week and build up to more fancy, romantic nights. Ask him to plan every other one, or maybe just once a month till he gets into it. And dont expect the night to end up in bed, just see where it takes you.

I definitely understand what you're dealing with. My husband has never been very sex-enthused due to an ex girlfriend, and things only got worse when he was in a really stressful, really self-esteem killing job. And we used to fight a lot about it because I didn't want to always have to put myself out there and get rejected a good portion of the time. It hurts, darn it! And honestly, the only thing that REALLY worked? Lots of communication (and then follow through on his part), and eventually a new job... I'm sorry I don't have better advice, and I know how awful this... But start talking to him.

Good luck, we're here for you!

[lido78]

Originally Posted by Confusedinomicon

You're in a RELATIONSHIP. People need to communicate their needs and tell them about their vulnerabilities. It isn't fair to you that you're GUESSING at what MIGHT be wrong. As a partner, you deserve to be OPENED up to.

I've had these issues with my boyfriend, too. Sometimes its hard to be vulnerable and sometimes its easier to ignore what's wrong. If he really had issues with rejection from his last wife, that probably explains why he avoids it. Unless he admits that he has been hurt by this or whatever hypothetical situation, it will be hard to heal. Guys struggle with emotional problems, too. Sex may not be as fulfilling when you feel internally troubled. Is there any way to breach your concerns? Does he emotionally shut down if you try to ask?

Because many men tie financial success to their sense of self, I'm sure that most of this comes from the business troubles and feeling like a failure. While I don't feel that way about my career (which, for me, is a means to an end, i.e., financial security and that's all), I do know that many men feel this way. I'm sure that feeling like a failure is not exactly making him in the mood for much of anything. We can talk about stuff but just can't fix the problem. I feel that if the business issues went away, his "mojo" would likely return. But, neither of us has found a fix for the business issues and they could actually get worse if bankruptcy is a possibility. So, I think we both feel a bit trapped by outside issues....there doesn't seem to be any help on the horizon...

[lido78]

Originally Posted by RomanSunburn

When you say he's not interested in intimacy or showing passion... I honestly almost feel like that shouldn't matter. Because you two are a team, and you are interested in those things. Just like you show interest in his business because it's his and you love him. Relationships are about give and take. He has to be willing to meet you half way, and you have to be able to discuss these things together.

I also agree that maybe you need to try to build up to it again. Plan date nights. Start with someone casual once a week and build up to more fancy, romantic nights. Ask him to plan every other one, or maybe just once a month till he gets into it. And dont expect the night to end up in bed, just see where it takes you.

I definitely understand what you're dealing with. My husband has never been very sex-enthused due to an ex girlfriend, and things only got worse when he was in a really stressful, really self-esteem killing job. And we used to fight a lot about it because I didn't want to always have to put myself out there and get rejected a good portion of the time. It hurts, darn it! And honestly, the only thing that REALLY worked? Lots of communication (and then follow through on his part), and eventually a new job... I'm sorry I don't have better advice, and I know how awful this... But start talking to him.

Good luck, we're here for you!

This is very helpful. Unfortunately, I do think the ADD has something to do with his lack of intimacy/emotional connectedness issues. He's mentioned having this issue in prior relationships and I just think that he doesn't know how to connect. In fact, he might just not be able to do it. As strange as this sounds, he is very connected with animals....they have a kind of unspoken language....maybe it's knowing that they don't judge and will never leave....His mother was a professional singer when he was young, and she was away on tour a lot during his formative years. I think he probably shut down quite a bit as he was also left to help take care of his younger brother...they had nannies, of course, but his father also traveled with his mother while on tour. He's incredibly independent emotionally but I don't know how much he can do to fix this now...at age 38. He does try...he knows he has this problem so he's been trying to reach out to old friends on Facebook and calling them for their b-days. But, he seems to only connect so far...I will try the date night suggestion...but, since money is an issue for him right now, we'll have to be creative!!! Thanks for the suggestions.

I love the idea of date night :-) I was going to suggest if you could afford a long weekend away, or a week? Thought being that it may take a couple of days for him to relax and switch off work, but then he may just get his mojo back? Stress is pretty much the biggest romance killer I know. Its a shame because sex can lift a mood pretty well! I do hope that you time everything well, as with his company being in huge trouble, right now might not be the time. His guilt over you may just end up adding more stress to the pile and make him take two more steps back, if you know what I mean.

Hugs

[lido78]

Every time that we go away, he definitely is much more in the mood. But, due to his financial concerns, it's been hard to take the time. I could more than afford to pay for both of us to get away, but he feels uncomfortable enough that I've already lent him a small amount of money. I don't in any want to emasculate him....I always ask him to help me fix stuff around the house since I'm not handy at all and he can fix just about anything. So, I'm in-between a rock and a hard spot...the things that might help lessen the pressure (vacation, loan, etc.) might just make him feel guilty over taking too much from me....ironically enough...for the first time in about two months he initiated just this morning....don't know what it was, but maybe the fact that I just decided to stop being shy and just got out of shower and "forgot" to put a robe on! I could well be over-thinking things...maybe I've got some of my own work to do in the mojo department.

[LadyShadow]

Hi!

I totally know what you mean. My guy is 42 and loves animals. He records his bunny rabbit and chickens playing at his parents house upstate. He even has a little mouse on his property that sticks his head out every now and then he records. He is a very loving man, and cuddles me and holds me, but the sex is just not there.

I will send you a PM because I think we have a lot in common with our guys and I think we may be able to help each other.

I hope we find a solution soon!

[jennifersullivan]

hi ladies, I hAve the same problems i just dont know what to do with him... i get sooo upset and it just pushes him awayyyy

[lido78]

So, it sounds as if others may have the same issues. It helps to know that it's just not me. I've not had this problem in other relationships, which just leaves me scratching my head from time to time. I've gained about 10 pound during this relationship, so I always worry that that he'd just not that attracted to me. Because this has gone on for so long now, the only way I've really dealt with it is to just turn myself off. Unfortunately, when he does initiate, which is rare, it really doesn't work for me...I don't feel very sexy...which makes it hard to really connect when we do have sex...ugh...he's not that open to talking about it...and talking about it can add another layer of pressure...