How to continue after affair

My husband had recently "organized" an affair with a former co-worker (the lady now lives abroad) through Facebook. When he was sent on a business to the city where she lives, they met, and they had the affair. I found out about it two weeks ago and he ended it. He says he loves me but felt no passion. We will start therapy soon. He is polite but can't answer any of my questions, why/how/how to go on. He looks at me fondly, like he'd look at a good old dog. We've been married for 11 years, I'm 11 years younger than he is and I'm wife number 2. Any hope that I can turn from good old dog into a woman again?

hey there - I don't think you need to turn from and old dog into a woman. I think someone having an affair has less to do with the person cheated on, as the relationship and people involved in that relationship.

I agree with turquoisesea and I would not let your husband get away with the no answer, smarmy smile, either!

I'm glad you all are starting therapy but I'd let your husband know how disappointed in him you are and I'd work on your own self-esteem to see that he is the one that is in the hot seat, not you. You don't have to do anything, it is he who has the problem of having broken your trust. I know you love him, but do you really like him, want to spend the rest of your life with such a man?

If he has to feel passion; that's not love, doesn't sound like he knows what love is. He wants attention like a little boy and sex like a teen; he sure isn't acting older! I would not have much respect for such a man and would not want to remain with him.

Thank you for taking the time to write back. It's clear that the relationship needs work but my attempts at discussions end up in "I'm depressed and haven't felt anything for an entire year". When I respond "well, some feelings were obviously not dead, they just weren't flowing my way", he tells me I'm an inquisitor and that he doesn't have answers, but that he hopes the counselor will point the way towards rekindeling the fire - so in other words, I'm ready to work with you on this but I don't know myself and I don't know why I act the way I am. Should I wait another week for the appointment or should I keep asking him questions - they don't seem to lead anywhere

I'm glad you're going into therapy too, although I have to agree with Perna.

Any man who has broken your self esteem to the point that he looks at you like an "old dog" instead of the loving woman who USED to trust him and love him, isn't some guy that I"D want hanging around MY bedroom! They say that once a cheater, always a cheater, and I tend to agree with 'them.' It's so easy to do and even if they get caught, the majority of them don't get much 'done' to them. So why shouldn't they keep it up?

He's got a lot of work to do in rebuilding your trust, plus helping YOU to build up your self-esteem that HE broke down. But that's only if you're going to keep him around.

You've got your own work to do. I hope you go to individual therapy and find out how you let this happen. Sometimes it happens so gradually, we don't even know it's going on. But emotional and mental abuse happens in marriages, and it can be so subtle that we don't have a clue. Then an affair goes on, and we get blind-sided.

Make sure you get some therapy too, okay? I don't know if you can "forgive" this or not. I'm not sure if I could, without bringing it up again during future fights, which isn't kosher. I think I'd be tempted to throw him to the curb. He doesn't deserve you. But alot depends on if you have kids too. They're the one who get hurt if you divorce. God bless and please take care. Let us know what happens, will you? Hugs, Lee

Thanks again, it is always helpful to get a different perspective. Of course, what I wrote above is the short version of a long story. I will try and get over the week as best as I can and have the discussion with the therapist. He already confirmed that he has many issues and needs to work both with me and a conselor on our relationship, and on his own issues in an individual therapy.
With him or without him, I want to find a way to feel good about myself and my life again, that's what I need help with.
I will send an update when I know more, after the appointment(s).
Hugs back :-)

I think you'd be better off waiting for the appointment and seeing what emerges there. If you define it as your job to get him to answer and he defines it as his job to hold out (for whatever reason), you're likely to end up in a standoff. Counselors have experience and training in helping clients untangle difficult conversations.

Is she is also married???

Just keep loving him 1 day he'll realize

Be sure to go to individual therapy for yourself, too. Learn to love yourself first, I think, and then you won't feel so ambiguous about holding your husband accountable. You'll know that you deserve to be treated lovingly and honestly. If you read my posts (just joined a few days ago), you'll see that I'm a guilty party in an emotional/somewhat physical affair. I feel very guilty about that. I know the wife and cared about her and her family, and I still crossed the line. Never done anything like that before and I've been married for 22 years. I hate that I did it. And I regret it with my whole soul. She's no old dog--she's beautiful and smart and hurting and angry. She deserves better. So do you. So do I. Take care of yourself. : )

Sally