[gon3withth3wend]

Earlier this week I had sex with someone that I've known for a long time, but not very well. In that I've known this guy most of my life, but we don't talk regularly. It was a very impulsive kind of thing, and I was overcome with immense guilt the next day, mostly because of family and religion and respect, and all of that stuff. This was also the first time that I had consensual sex, but he didn't know that. I was so guilty that I could hardly hold a conversation with him or look him in the face. I had thought about what I'd say to him, but when we were alone, I couldn't say anything. I sent him a text message later and told him that I wanted to have a friendly relationship and he never said anything back. I need a way to get this guilt off of me, and I'm not sure if I should do anything in regards to getting him to at least talk to me. I'm pretty sure he feels guilty too. I definitely don't want to date him or anything, I just want him to talk to me like a normal person. I know he's a really nice guy, and I can't see him in person because he left to go back to college this weekend, and we're too far apart. And I'm 17.

Also, there is no way that I can tell my parents about this at all. I could keep this a secret from them for my life, I'm sure..

[MudCrab]

Hello, gon3withth3wend. Is it your belief his not talking to you is a sign he now has no respect for you?

[gon3withth3wend]

In some ways, yeah. He is a lot more religious than I am. I was pretty easy... He gave me a few chances to I guess say no, but I didn't. At the same time, he initiated the whole thing. Also, it was a matter of respect for family values and my parents were home and sleeping when it happened. I really want to read into why he isn't talking to me now... I know that he read my text. He normally replies quickly. I regret not saying anything when I had the chance. If he's lost respect for me though, I want him to tell me that.

[hamster-bamster]

I do not know anything about the religious aspect, being an atheist, but I can tell you that what is doing, in general, is not nice. Nice people do not do that. But then again perhaps the religious baggage and prejudices make him torn at this point. Do not know about that. But still, not nice and unappreciative. I do not think it is productive for you to regret anything at this point, but you have learned that you do care very much about how the sexual partner behaves after sex. You do not want to be ignored. You want to be valued and appreciated.

It sure hurt to get this knowledge, but you did get it. So now you will be able to choose future partners with that knowledge in mind: you will select guys who are nice and appreciative. To the extent that it can be predicted in advance!

You did write "I know he's a really nice guy" but his behavior, so far, says the opposite.

[hamster-bamster]

You also need to look after yourself. Did you use a condom / condoms?

[gon3withth3wend]

Thanks, hamster-bamster. I'd define myself as more agnostic than anything, so I'm not really sure how the religion stuff feels for him, but I know that it's important to him because he's talked about it a lot. This is probably the most respectful person I know - he stopped opening my doors only because I told him I'd do it myself. He has impeccable manners with everyone he communicates with. He loves and respects his parents. Everyone that knows him says, "Wow, that's a really nice kid. He's one of the nicest guys I know." So I guess in my mind, I'm trying to justify this not-so-nice behavior because I really don't know anyone that is as nice as him. I've also realized that I really don't know this guy super well. I would've thought that he'd be so religious that he wouldn't even come close to having sex with me. I was kind of surprised with that from him.

I do appreciate you saying that there is no productivity in feeling more guilty now. The guilt has been wearing off. Now it's more of just an annoyance and upset with being ignored. I don't want to make it seem like a huge deal, and push him further away. But also because of our families, we need to be okay with each other. But I guess.... oh well, there isn't much I can do. I wonder if trying to talk to him again in a couple weeks just casually would be better.. I don't want to seem pushy or clingy, or too obsessed about it. I just really don't take being ignored well from anyone.

--> Yes, we did use a condom. I guess another thing in the back of my mind now is getting on the pill... I had always thought I'd get on it before I ever got involved in something like this, but this happened so unexpectedly. I don't really know what to expect anymore, and that kind of makes me nervous.

[hamster-bamster]

Modern condoms are individually tested electronically, so if you used one, it is probably OK.

I would buy it that he is nice in all respects except for this one. But this one is a huge one! You probably want to steer clear of people who are so conflicted about their sexuality. The world, luckily, is full of guys who would be ecstatic to have consensual and mutually rewarding sex with you while making you feel appreciated and valued.

[hamster-bamster]

You said "earlier this week". How earlier, exactly? If it has not been 72 hours and if you have a nagging worry, you can take a morning after pill, which is safe. But again, a condom used correctly should be OK...

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by gon3withth3wend

This was also the first time that I had consensual sex,

Consensual is important, agreed. But consensual is a condition that is necessary but not sufficient. A lot of other things need to be present, one of them being the partner's ability to feel joy.

But still, since your prior sex experiences were non-consensual and this was the first consensual one, it is PROGRESS, in relative terms, so... congratulations.

[gon3withth3wend]

Thanks, again. You're right. At the same time, I'm not really sure how to be a good judge of all of this beforehand. I did not feel very disrespected by the guy while we were with each other.. He was actually quite sweet in that he asked if I was comfortable and he held me after we were done. He didn't rush to leave, but I told him that he should leave, and although I felt like everything happened fast, I didn't feel used then. I'm not sure if my standards for feeling respected are low because of what I have had happen in the past.

Only now... I figure that the best way to prevent this would be to have sex when in a relationship. I considered the morning after pill, but I think I'm okay this time, and honestly, I do feel like I trust that this guy was genuinely careful. I just had always wanted to be extra safe is all.

[hamster-bamster]

I agree. Does not sound that bad with his asking you if you were comfortable and holding you afterwards.

[Vibe]

I don't know this guy so I can't say for sure what his deal is.

From your description of the situation, it sounds like he may have thought you were giving him the cold shoulder though. Then you saying that you wanted a friendly relationship indicates that you're not really interested in anything romantic. If he's a sensitive guy and had feelings for you, then it's possible that he feels hurt and used. That could be why he's avoiding you. He also might feel guilty too and not know how to handle talking with you at this point.

If he won't respond and you can't see him in person, then it doesn't sound like there's much of a chance for reconciliation right now. You may have to find another way to deal with your emotions regarding the situation. Your friendship or what of it can be salvaged may have to be dealt with at a later point.

First thing that entered my mind was that you texted him that you wanted to be friendly. I'm not sure what your intentions were about that, whether you were saying "just friends" or not by how you worded it. The thing that I think might have happened is that maybe because you had sex he thought it could be more and is feeling rejected?

Now I'm not here to try and make you feel worse. I only mention this so that maybe you can find a solution. If that is the case, that he is feeling rejected, personally maybe he needs to understand a bit more about how you feel about things. Obviously not too much because you've said he's not a close friend at this point but I think that somehow making him understand you better is key.

I think he should at least reply but I'm just giving you my 2c about what might be going on.

Try not to feel guilty, it was consensual so nothing wrong with it.

[hamster-bamster]

I think he might have misapplied the tenets of his religion. while religions differ in their acceptance of sex outside marriage, they are usually similar in some common, broad ethical teachings. There is probably something about treating others the way you want to be treated. From that, he should have deduced that he needs to respond to your texts, especially if he had been in the habit of responding to your texts promptly earlier.

It is also weird about the possibility of his losing respect for you. It would be weird even for a completely innocent bystander to base their respect of you on your sexual activity. If you have not robbed a bank lately and you haven't been watching TV on the coach for days instead of working on an important project you were trusted with, you should be OK in terms of being worthy of respect. But to first induce a person to have sex with you AND then lose the respect for that particular person precisely because she agreed is completely twisted; it is like luring an animal with a piece of food in order to torture it later.

I think the ideas that anything related to religion is based on over thinkng the whole situation in the first place. I don't think that from the evidence presented we can resolve that he's not responded based on this. There's just nothing there to assume this, it's all just rationalizing and overanalyzing it.

Also whether he is rejecting you or not is once again, overanalyzing the situation and I wouldn't write it off as that. Again I say it's more likely your statement after the fact that you did indeed consent to sex with him then subsequently put out the "friend" thing makes me think more like he feels rejected or brushed off. Thing is, if that's the case and he feels you just put him in the friend zone after sex, he's really not going to be very inclined to reply is he? I mean I know I don't have sex with a woman unless I feel strongly for her and if she in turn said these things it would feel very much like a rejection and I'd probably assume she didn't care if I texted back or anything. Granted if he doesn't feel that way about sex, I could be wrong but then we dont' have evidence that he's a "player" and does that, do we?

I'd go out of my way and let him know you want to keep in touch, if that's what you want from him and leave it at that. If you're not totally rejecting him let him know that and then let it go. If he still doesn't respond, I'd move on.

[hamster-bamster]

It makes sense that HE might feel rejected. From misunderstanding.

[Open Eyes]

I am wondering how old this young man is. I think you are assuming he "knows what to say or do about this encounter". You said that it "didn't last long" and that he did hold you and ask you if you were "comfortable" and even "held you afterwards". But the two of you didn't really have a discussion afterwards, what "did" happen is you began to "feel guilty" and asked him to leave. Then, you texted him and said you "just wanted to be friends". To me that sounds like "rejection". And he could be feeling like "he was a sexual failure" somehow, because men "do" wonder about this.
And honestly?, it was over quickly, so he is probably feeling bad about not being able to have it "last longer". A young man can get so easily stimulated that they are "not able" to control themselves, and it can become "embarassing to them".

I am remembering a conversation years ago, that I had with a male friend. He asked me if he could talk to me about something personal and if I would promise not to tell anyone. I agreed and to my surprise he asked me how to tell if his girlfriend was satisfied with sex. He told me that she never gave him any indication she was, she just layed there and said nothing. Well, I sure was not expecting that question, and I was a "virgin" at the time so I didn't really know "what to say right away". It was not an "easy" conversation, but I respected that he felt it was "ok" that he could ask me. So, I encouraged him to talk to her about his concern and ask her if their encounters are something she is enjoying as well.

I can understand how you are feeling "guilty" or "awkward" yourself and the encounter more than likely did not give you "fireworks" either. Well, a successful "sexual" experience takes "time" to have and rarely can it happen in an encounter like you are discribing. And I am sure he feels just as awkward as you do about it, hense, his no reply. I really think he is taking that as, "you are a lousy lay" and that he failed somehow and you are just "letting him down as easy as you can".

It is better to be "honest" with him and just tell him that you are not "ready" for what you did with him, you should not have allowed it to happen, it was not his fault either. You realized that you were doing something you are just not ready to do and you don't have experience with it and it is better if you wait. Be honest that you were frightened and that is why you didn't know what to say right away either. You "can" say that he was nice to you, caring and gentle. You are just not ready to explore this kind of closeness yet in your life. But you hope that you and him can still be friends and talk to each other because you feel his is still a nice person.

This should really be done in person though, otherwise it will seem like a "brush off" and you decided you don't like him or didn't like the way he "performed" etc. Guys are just as sensitive about this as girls are, they just don't know how to talk about it.

Open Eyes

[RomanSunburn]

I agree with what OpenEyes said about talking to him. I know it's hard if he won't reply, but I really think putting yourself out there for him to see might make him more willing to talk to you in return.

I also just want to throw out there that there could really be a million reasons why he isn't talking to you right now. And all we can do is guess and give possible reasons. He could be protecting himself from emotional hurt, afraid of getting closer to you if you don't want that in return, he could just be a jerk. He might just not know what to say to you. He could be worried that a good friendship has been ruined. It really could be soooo many different reasons. The only way to really know is to talk to him. But you probably have to really put yourself out there for him to feel comfortable if he's feeling uneasy. If he's just a jerk, then there's probably no hope. But from the sounds of it, he's probably not a jerk.

You're not alone. I've had this happen to me, though we didn't go quite as far as sex. But the reason he stopped talking to me had nothing to do with me. He was emotionally protecting himself because of factors that had nothing to do with me and that neither of us had any control over.

[Harley47]

I think Openeyes gave great advice. Talk to him...I think it very, very strange that as nice as you describe him to be that he would brush you off. He may very well be concerned that he did something wrong, or he may've possibly misinterpreted your intent in your own text message. Communication is key.

Don't lose heart, and try not to worry. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs,
Harley

[gon3withth3wend]

Thanks everyone. It never really occurred to me that I might have made him feel rejected. And thinking back, I probably reinforced the rejection several times, starting with when I suggested he leave. I've had issues in the past where I've accidentally offended a guy's masculinity. I also agree that there could be millions of reasons as to why he isn't talking to me now. I suspect that it might have something to do with a recently ended relationship of his, but I'm not sure. I really would like to open a conversation with him though. I know meeting in person would be good, but he's hours away now. I've been trying not to think about it, but to me it's still actually kind of a deal, and I'm wondering what he thinks. I want to hear from him, but don't know what I should say or how to contact him to get him to talk to me. I don't want to seem annoying either. I'm totally prepared to be honest with him if I get to talk to him sometime.

Also, the guy is 19, for who asked. I did tell him that he should text me sometime, but maybe that wasn't the right thing to say? I think talking is a good idea, but I also feel like I'm almost over it. I don't really think I was ready for this. My feelings change every day about it. Sometimes I think of some things we did, and I can't believe I actually did those things and I feel so slutty about it. I can't talk to most of my friends about it because most of them are virgins and they don't even know the guy. Part of me wants to forget all about that, and try harder to stop before sex next time, and part of me really just wants to find a new guy to have sex with, as if that would make this experience seem less significant. I care a bit more than I thought.

Every time my phone buzzes, there is a tiny hope that it might be him, and I'm slightly bummed when it isn't. Don't like it one bit. How long from the last time I messaged him would be appropriate to contact him again without being smother-y?

It's hard to know what he is thinking since he hasn't responded to you. Your last exchange was your text message saying that you wanted to be friends, and I suppose he could have interpreted this any number of ways. Still, you are correct to expect some sort of reply. When will you see him next if at all?

[RomanSunburn]

Personally, I think you could try talking to him now. I would try calling him.

That's just my opinion, though. Other's might feel you should wait longer or approach him in a different medium. But since he's far away right now, your options are a little limited...

[IceCreamKid]

I strongly suggest you discuss this situation with your parents.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

I strongly suggest you discuss this situation with your parents.

OP is not disclosing this to her parents (it is very clear per her post) so how would she discuss something she has not disclosed?

[Harley47]

lol HB, I think IceCreamKid is proposing she reverse her decision on that and talk to her parents.

You are 17, correct Gon3withth3w3nd (I hope I spelled that right... )? I don't know the age of consent in your state, but I think 17 is probably in the "safe" zone for consent. I don't believe he would be in any legal trouble if you told your parents, but please look that up yourself if that is a concern. Ultimately, that is your decision, but I do think they could maybe offer good advice to you. You could always use your friend "Sally" for the situation...you know, the one that doesn't exist?