dealing with my anger

When I get angry at my partners I always end up calling them names like, b****, sl**, wh***, c*** etc. I hate doing it and it is destroying all my relationships. What can I do to understand why I do this? Is there anyone here that knows? I am desperate to stop this because I dont want to hurt others. Please help.

My suggestion is that it seems it happens when you get angry so try to recognize your anger coming on for the first step.

Then tell yourself to not say anything right then and do something else instead. Like if you are on the phone just say "I have to go now, bye" and hang up. If you are with your gf walk out of the room if you are tempted to say something you'll regret. You will then break the pattern as you keep doing it more and more (it will become a new way of reacting).

Later on you will be able to replace the behavior you don't want (calling gf names) with something that will make you feel better about how you reacted.

There are books on Assertiveness Skills that you can get in libraries. These skills teach us to relearn what we say to others by giving us an alternative mode to react in. You can also learn these skills through a counselor if you wish. It will take a little time and just be patient with yourself. You might want to invite the gf to learn the same skills, too.

So, in the future your goal could be to still be able to talk to your gf and say something different. You might say instead (after you learn these new skills) something that will have you and the gf feeling like you have accomplished something. An example would be: Say your girlfriend did not show up on time for a date 2 times in a row. With new assertiveness skills you would tell her 1. what she did and then 2. how you felt. Maybe you'd say "You did not show up for our dates and I feel annoyed (or hurt or whatever you honestly feel)." Then you can ask her what you want of her, too. This way of communicating will make you feel better and you will also be seen as a sensitive guy which many women like. I may have not given the best example but I couldn't think of another one, sorry.

Welcome here and hope you'll keep posting and reading.

<font color=green>"Each friend represents a world in us, a world not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." Anais Nin
</font color=green>

hi neo

well, i agree with curlyQ....actually i can kind've relate to you, in some form neways....i wont really get into it, but the gurl i like i find myself being an *** too, but mostly when i drink, and for me....i think it has to do with jealousy.....(but i'm getting better.)

so, my ?'n to you.....can u relate to nething i said? b/c if u can maybe we can help each other??

wish u luck

"Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets."
-Paul Tournier

"While one person hesitates because he feels inferior, the other is busy making mistakes and becoming superior."
-Henry C. Link

"Then tell yourself to not say anything right then and do something else instead. Like if you are on the phone just say "I have to go now, bye" and hang up. If you are with your gf walk out of the room if you are tempted to say something you'll regret. You will then break the pattern as you keep doing it more and more (it will become a new way of reacting). "

I see what you mean here I think. You are suggesting that my name calling is learned behaviour and I have to unlearn it, by replacing it with another mode of behaviour that is more appropriate. Would that be what you mean?

I dont want to give the impression that I am always angry because that is not true. However, when my fuse has burnt down so to speak, I retaliate in the way I have described. At the time it feels like I want to hurt her without hitting her, because that is not allowed.

I am at a loss to understand how assertivness can help me. Perhaps that is because I do not understand the concept of assertivness as well as I thought. I do understand that to be assertive means to insist on the recognition of ones self. As opposed to aggression, which is to insist on the implementation of ones ideas by another against their will.
Thank you. I will check it out

Assertiveness is having the right to say what we think and how we feel in a way that asserts one's rights and also makes us more comfortable with ourselves in how we communicate. You mentioned your regret and that is the mark of a conscientious person in my book.

I learned assertiveness some years ago from a counselor. I told her I wanted to express myself better to others because I was very frustrated with relationships and ended up in arguments, too. I have said much I regretted, too.

I did not get the impression that you were angry all the time or even a lot. I just had the ideas on how you could improve your relationships so that you will not be unhappy. Assertiveness learning is simple and just takes practice like any new skill. Best wishes.

<font color=purple>"If you free what is inside you,
it will make you free;
if you hold onto what is inside you
it will destroy you."

Zen Proverb
</font color=purple>

I know some people are offended by my questions; but if you aren't, here are some questions:

*Why do you name-call? Generally, people name-call when they haven't developed "age-appropriate" social skills.

*Many people call names as a means of bullying. Why bully...to sense feeling more powerful and controlling over others i.e. calling women the most demeaning names to make yourself FEEL more powerful (the better, bigger or stronger gender). Calling names is more characteristic of children's behaviors when they feel frustrated.

*Did you father call your mother names? Did your father feel women were less valued than men? Did you learn this behavior?

*Is your alcohol use causing you problems? Do you name-call after you've been drinking alcohol? Do you use alcohol as an excuse for your behavior?

Do you fear hurt by maintaining a relationship, and name-call or behave in ways which you know will end the relationship?

What could you do to stop this habit? In a next relationship, could you contract to reward the person for your name-calling i.e. pay them a sizeable amount of money each time you name-call, or contract to do some activity to their liking for a certain time, or give up something you like for a time? Could you invent some name-calling words to yell when you're angry? Could you reward yourself each day, week or month that you don't name-call?

...just some ideas

"*Why do you name-call? Generally, people name-call when they haven't developed "age-appropriate" social skills.

*Many people call names as a means of bullying. Why bully...to sense feeling more powerful and controlling over others i.e. calling women the most demeaning names to make yourself FEEL more powerful (the better, bigger or stronger gender). Calling names is more characteristic of children's behaviors when they feel frustrated."

No. I am not offended by your questions but, if they went on in the same vien I could be.
I do not think it is appropriate on a board where people are opening themselves up in such a vunerable way, to accuse them of A) childishness (haven't developed "age-appropriate" social skills. ) or b)bullying (Many people call names as a means of bullying. Why bully...).
I am NOT a quick tempered man. You must not assume too much. Because I have had a problem and am willing to admit it and seek help, does not automatically imply victimhood or innocence on the other parties involved, even if they are female. In fact, in myt wo previous relationships I was abused. Once physically by my female parter and once, both physically and emotionally for 2.5 years. Only at the end, when I could take no more assaults, did I fight back in the way I have mentioned. The rest of the time I just took it. However, because I recognise it as a problem I came looking for help. Good news yes? Unfortunately, both my abusers are still in denial and abusing others.

By the way. I do not drink or do drugs. As for what I intend to do about it? Exactly as was written in my first reply. I will train myself out of the behaviour which I appeared to have learned from my sister.
Fear not. I WILL attack and win over this problem.

Curly:
Thank you for your replies and I have taken on board what you have said. I am already looking for some good books on the subject of assertiveness. You have made a lot of sence to me. Thank you again.

You're welcome. I hope you'll stick around and keep posting and reading.

<font color=purple>"If you free what is inside you,
it will make you free;
if you hold onto what is inside you
it will destroy you."

Zen Proverb
</font color=purple>

First of all, I didn't mean to offend you. Second, I meant no personal comments to you. I merely was discussing name-calling which you said you had a problem calling names. Third, you were asking for help or suggestions and I thought I offered some. If you wanted to describe your self-described problems with anger and just receive supportive feedback, you could've asked for that. I'm wondering why you discussed your anger/ name-calling and then appeared to become angry?

Camelot,
Did you ever consider that he may have already felt regret and thus asked for help? Why don't you read over his first post and "hear" what he says?

I happen to think that neo111 has made his points to you and I saw no anger in his post to you. I saw it as defending himself to you. He did open up and was honest. That's a credit.

I feel a bit annoyed myself and am not ashamed to say so. Would you like the feedback you gave if you were the person who came here for help?

You seem to have made assumptions out of which your responses stem. Do you think that helps improve communication? That's what this forum is about. CQ

<font color=purple>"If you free what is inside you,
it will make you free;
if you hold onto what is inside you
it will destroy you."

Zen Proverb
</font color=purple>

I suppose different people interpret posts differently. I suppose different people need different things. I suppose different people like different responses.

Some people want to review their lives and all they want is to speak uninterrupted, and receive a few words of comfort here-and-there.

Some people want to discuss issues in their lives and be angry at someone more safe than the people who they'd REALLY like to blast. They might interpret things as if the responses were meant in a more personal way, and exhibit more sensitivity to people who they feel don't understand. SOme people "pay more attention" to outsiders than they do to themselves.

Some people want instruction and direction. They don't need a lot of supportive statements, but are more interested in change. They pay attention to suggestions and understand their past behaviors. The information they receive is received more akin to a history lesson, in that they want to understand all the variables of behaviors and use that information to understand how to change desired behaviors.

No information I posted was meant to be personal. It was meant as information known about why people name call and possible ideas inducing change. I don't know anyone on this board, have no reason to judge anyone and simply offered information about the topic.

I remember times in my own life when friends said things to me which I thought were unsupportive and ROUGH. After awhile, I realized they were friends and were trying to help. After awhile, I realized they were right about everything they said, and I just wasn't ready to listen at the time.

Just remember, I was trying to help. Help arrives in different forms. SOme of it, we may not appreciate. Some of it, we may not appreciate at the moment. SOme of it, we may never appreciate. Since it appears to be upsetting, I will not return to this thread since I would not want to volunteer information which was not received in the light it was meant. I thought the original poster wanted information about anger, name-calling and how to alter that behavior. I know nothing about the original poster and therefore was describing typical thinking known about anger and name-calling. None of it was meant to judge; it was meant for self-thinking. My post required no answers.

I gotta say, there are probably a hundred different reasons why a person might get angry, and talking about "age appropriate" behavior and bullying is like pulling two possible answers from a field of a hundred out of the air. I'm not sure where you got those two from and why you chose to focus on them as the beginnings of your reply to Neo.

People express their anger in many different ways. Name calling is one such way, but it is silly to suggest that we don't all "name call" from time to time in our lives. Most people do, it's just the nature of anger that that comes out as one of the core responses. Everytime we mutter under our breath at another driver on the road, or wonder at the lunacy of an elected politician or celebrity, there is usually a name associated with our thoughts.

Now, since name-calling serves a purpose in that it allows all of us to vent our angry feelings, I don't think it's all that helpful to suggest that name-calling isn't or couldn't be useful in certain situations. Granted, the situation that Neo is asking for help about isn't the most helpful response he could do, but at the same time, I'm not sure I saw your response containing any minimal amount of empathy for the situation.

It's fine to come on the forums and offer your thoughts, advice, and suggestions, but I think most people will find the advice easier to swallow if it isn't couched in such "black and white" terms. Life is rarely so direct or uncomplicated, as you well know.

Best,
DocJohn

I do not want to reply to your post because I don't want to increase problems for the person who originated this thread. The only thing I will say is that, sure everyone does name call; many people have learned not to name-call in certain situations (i.e. many adults wouldn't call their bosses a ******). Many people have learned not to yell c**t out at other drivers when their vehicle windows were lowered and there were chances that the cursed drivers might harm them. So, there is developed learning.

Similarly to complaints by "problem drinkers," if the drinking continues to severely impact a person's life, what kind of counseling services would be beneficial? SOme people might secure services where a person stands up and admits his "problem" and is supported by others with the same concern. Some people will obtain medication. Some people's families will surround the "problem drinker" and (more or less) blast the person with the reality of how the drinking has affected the family members. Not all of the resolutions will be candy-coated. No one way of doing things will help everyone. Your services may be seen as extremely beneficial to some, and not to others. Mental health professionals can be as diverse as a spectrum of light...and a good thing, too.

Everyone bullies. Everyone name-calls. Does everyone lose multiple relationships due to name-calling, and attribute the described problemmatic loss of relationships due to name-calling? Did the original poster sense his name-calling was serving a useful purpose or causing him ongoing problems?

My first sentence of my previous post stated that I was going to post questions. I added a pre-apology in case a reader thought the questions were inappropriate. I didn't realize there was one way to respond. Yes, after many years of life and work in the field, I do know a lot about the complications of life and the array of people's needs.

the best to you, as well

Please. Don`t fall out over this. I was not angry at oall or offended by you Camalot. In fact I was laughing at the irony of your reply. Not in a nasty way. It`s just that I found it amusing that it was possible to interpret what you said as, name calling me while you were trying to set me straight about name calling others. :-)
I have got the advice I needed and have taken steps to do something about it. If it fails, (Arnie voice coming up) I shall be back. The tendency to name call probably is childish and stupid. However, when you take your courage in your typing fingers and seek help, particulaly when your spelling is as bad as mine, what you need is not to be told how dumb you are, but how to stop being dumb. Lol. I know it`s stupid and damaging to others, that`s why I came in the first place. Thank you, all of you, for your help. Thank you also for putting up this site so that others can get help. It is a real lifeline.
Take care. I will drop by sometime to let you know how I am getting on.

Glad to see you back, Neo. Name calling or muttering is pretty human I'd say given this society and how we All do it and pick it up from each other. Yeah, there are other ways to express ourselves, too. I have used the words you have, too, to be honest. It's not my usual everyday thing but when I get angry it's a release. I may use it in a description of someone who is really harrassing me bigtime. I, too, feel assertiveness is a better way. I also think that when someone gets downright abusive to me I might just defend myself that way be it wrong or right. I am working on it and walking away from those such people is the better way. Sometimes self defense takes priority, though. Take care and I hope you'll keep posting and reading. CQ


<font color=orange>"I must lose myself in action,
lest I wither in despair." Lord Tennyson</font color=orange>

Hello!! How old are you?? If you are 18 or close to 18 you couod try a medicin called Paxil. I have since my teens struggled with enourmus anger and tantrums the way you describe you are doing and after I started taking Paxil I am no longer angry. I feel like myself and it is a tremendouse relief. I advise you to consult with you physician and give it a try.
Wish you the best of luck!!

Hey Neo - I don't know if you are still there or not, but I wanted to let you know that my husband does this to me. In general we have a great relationship and I know how much he loves me, but every once in awhile we get into a terrible fight and he calls me really, really awful names and I know he wants to hit me. I am only telling you this so you can get the perspective of the other person. When he does this, it makes me feel so incredibly sad and sometimes makes me wish I was dead. I think it is very brave of you to even address this issue. I really agree that you can train yourself to change and I am glad you are trying. Good luck.