[twiks]

Why is it that I'm only attracted to women that will never find me attractive?

I don't think ny "standards" are too high. I know I'm not very attractive so obviously I'm never going to be able to date a super model or anything like that. But the only women that are attracted to me (and they are far and few between in the first place) I have no attraction to them.

Do I just need to completely give up on finding anyone I'm actually physically attracted to and just date someone that I can't stand looking at? Because apparently that's my only options...be alone, or date someone I don't find at all attractive.

[shezbut]

Hi twiks,

Sometimes we hold ourselves at unreasonable levels of expectations. What makes them unreasonable? We aren't "cool enough", "popular" nor do we fit into the particular crowd that intrigues us, we aren't "wealthy", our looks are still pretty "imperfect", and/or our personality feels a little "off" to those that we're interested in. Probably due to anxiety.

In situations like these, I always advise people to go out and do what actually interests them. Don't just follow the girls that interest you ~ That's a mistake! Do what YOU like to do!! Trust me. You will very soon find girls that interest you either doing the same thing or finding a lot of interest in what you can do. And romance will soon bloom.

Just be patient ~ it is right around the corner for you....I can sense it!

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by twiks

I know I'm not very attractive so obviously I'm never going to be able to date a super model or anything like that.

You overestimate the importance of looks in men. If you are charming and engaging, that is enough.

[Travelinglady]

Well, I wouldn't give up. There are some decent woman who don't care as much for a guy's looks as for what kind of man he is.

However, that said, research shows that people do tend to match themselves up based on their level of physical attractiveness. You might not win over a movie star, but you don't have to only have relationships with really "ugly-looking" woman. Are looks all that important to you? I realize there needs to be a physical attraction, but sometimes people can "grow" on us.

[twiks]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

You overestimate the importance of looks in men. If you are charming and engaging, that is enough.

Well I'm completely screwed then because I'm not charming or engaging at all.

Like I said, my standards aren't very high, but there has to be at least a little physical attraction. But the only women that have any interest in me I'm not at all attracted to. I know that looks aren't everything, and I'm probably coming across as incredibly shallow. But I don't think anyone really wants to be in a relationship with someone they don't find attractive

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by twiks

Well I'm completely screwed then because I'm not charming or engaging at all.

Like I said, my standards aren't very high, but there has to be at least a little physical attraction. But the only women that have any interest in me I'm not at all attracted to. I know that looks aren't everything, and I'm probably coming across as incredibly shallow. But I don't think anyone really wants to be in a relationship with someone they don't find attractive

No, it is not shallow. It is normal. I was just saying that warmth, charm, personality, etc. are very important and eventually outweigh looks in men, in my opinion.

When my late grandmother met my would be grandfather, now late as well, she thought to herself and said to her girlfriend: "What an ugly guy!"

But then she married him, lived with him until his death for 55 years or so, had two daughters with him, and was happy with him.

She had an attractive face, a statuesque body, and lots of charisma, so she chose him because she eventually came to like him a lot, and not for lack of other alternatives.

[twiks]

Well either way I'm out of luck because I have no looks or charm and I have about as much personality as a rock.

Oh well, I'll just go on being single. Been that way most of my life so what's another 40 or 50 years?

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by twiks

Well either way I'm out of luck because I have no looks or charm and I have about as much personality as a rock.

Oh well, I'll just go on being single. Been that way most of my life so what's another 40 or 50 years?

I think if you go on being single but develop interests in various interesting things, you will develop personality as you go on, as a collateral benefit, without trying.

[hamster-bamster]

And you may get luck later.

Luck, it seems to be, is the decisive factor.

[twiks]

Well, thanks. But the only luck I have is bad luck so I think I'm just going to stick with being single and give up on even trying to find anyone. Thanks though.

[twiks]

And being single doesn't encourage me to develop new interests....it encourages me to sit on the couch, watch tv, eat Doritos and get more and more out of shape.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by twiks

And being single doesn't encourage me to develop new interests....it encourages me to sit on the couch, watch tv, eat Doritos and get more and more out of shape.

look up prolonged sitting. very detrimental and takes a couple of years off your lifespan. the modern plague. this is regardless of the shape - even if you are in good shape, it would still take a couple of years off your life expectancy

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by twiks

Well I'm completely screwed then because I'm not charming or engaging at all.

Plan to be rich; it will make up for all other flaws.

[twiks]

Haha, no such luck there. I'm broke as hell

I'm a real catch lol

[Strawberry_Fields]

I wouldn't give up. I'm sure you have a great personality that a lot a ladies would love, perhaps you just don't see it. Also when you do find someone you really like, often your personality shines much more, because you're happy.
Not all women go for looks and money, I reckon most, like myself, go for a man they see as loving and caring

Originally Posted by twiks

I know I'm not very attractive so obviously I'm never going to be able to date a super model or anything like that.

Originally Posted by twiks

Well I'm completely screwed then because I'm not charming or engaging at all.

Originally Posted by twiks

Well either way I'm out of luck because I have no looks or charm and I have about as much personality as a rock.

Oh well, I'll just go on being single. Been that way most of my life so what's another 40 or 50 years?

Originally Posted by twiks

Well, thanks. But the only luck I have is bad luck so I think I'm just going to stick with being single and give up on even trying to find anyone. Thanks though.

Originally Posted by twiks

And being single doesn't encourage me to develop new interests....it encourages me to sit on the couch, watch tv, eat Doritos and get more and more out of shape.

Originally Posted by twiks

Haha, no such luck there. I'm broke as hell

I'm a real catch lol

These are all your posts. Can you see a pattern? I can. You come over as someone who has far too low self-esteem. And that you've decided its easier to give up than work on yourself and there is just a little self-pity here to. That my friend, is a real real shame. Do you really want to go another 40-50 years and then look back with regret that you didn't try? I hope not.

May I suggest going to therapy. Go to confidence workshops. Push yourself out of your comfort zone of being safe and sad and please please take a chance on love and life. We only live once and its a real shame not to give it our best shot.

On a side note, even if you do find a woman of your dreams, its hard to have a loving, successful relationship without actually liking yourself first. And confidence in my book is the most attractive trait anyone can have, far outweighs looks.

Hugs.

[twiks]

Yes, I have extremely low self esteem. I have for as long as I can remember. I've never liked myself very much at all. Do I want to go another 40-50 years regretting that I didn't try? No. But, I spent all of high school "trying" I've spent the last 5 years "trying" and it's gotten me nothing but rejection and a broken heart. That's why I feel like giving up. What's the point in putting myself out there when I get hurt every time that I do?

You can suggest therapy, everyone else does. I won't go though. I'm too shy and closed off, I would never talk about any of this stuff to anyone in person, especially not someone that I didn't even know. Plus it costs money and I'm not in a good place financially to have any extra money to be spending on that anyways.

And yes, everyone says that you can't love someone until you learn to love yourself. But I honestly don't believe that, I've never loved myself, but I've been in love. I think that some people need someone to love them (or at least like them) before they can like themselves. At least that's how I feel. Because right now I feel like, nobody else likes me....so why should I like me?

I don't know. I've never had any confidence, I've always been shy and had very low self-esteem. So, I don't really know how to "get over it". I can barely even talk to people that I don't know, so meeting people is nearly an impossible feat for me.

Am sorry that you've had such a tough time of it.. Rejection and having your heart broken aren't necessarily linked to confidence tho, it could just be down to the wrong people and how they act. I do not think its a reason to give up - what are you, 25 ish? So young to throw in the towel. If you can't help yourself, and refuse to get help, then there is little you can do. So please don't give up!

Sorry you will not consider therapy, as I think it would do you a lot of good. Is there not a sliding scale of costs with therapy? My partner was similar to you, but he's just finished a course of one-to-one CBT therapy (free on the NHS) and the difference in him is noticeable. More importantly, he says he feels happier and more confident as the therapist has taught him a few tricks, as well as get him to understand his way of looking at things may not be right. For example, as long as I've known him, he's been paranoid about people judging him, not people he knows, but strangers in the street. The therapist just simply said 'who made you the center of everyone's universe?'. Simple and effective - he finally understood what I've been saying for years, that nobody is looking at him, they are too busy living their own lives. And even if there was the odd person looking at him along the line, who cares what a stranger thinks of you? This was just one of many things he's being facing and working on, and in just 6 short weeks of one session a week, he's felt better about himself and the future. Such a short investment for such a huge outcome. Oh, and he's 47, and he told me he regretted not doing it sooner.

Anyway, self-esteem can be improved with the right help. I don't think a naturally shy person will ever be the life and soul of the party, but it can be made a bit better. Yeah, sure, having a girlfriend who says you're fab will of course boost your self-esteem, but surely it's far better to learn to like yourself on your own, rather than rely on someone else? It's not fair on them, and if you hit a rocky patch or if they leave you, you'll be back to square one, or even worse I should imagine. And the most wonderful thing about getting some self-esteem, or learning ways of coping with it better, is that it not only effects your relationship confidence, but it will effect nearly every other aspect of your life.

Please don't give up. Try confidence classes if not therapy - am sure if you google some there will be some nearby. Remember, people there are feeling exactly the same as you! What have you got to lose by trying? Absolutely nothing. What could you gain by trying? Absolutely everything.

Hugs

[hamster-bamster]

The simplest reason behind rejections is lack of luck. Luck can come to you later though.

[twiks]

They are a little linked to confidence I think. Well, maybe not for everyone, but certainly for some people, or maybe it's just me. It takes everything I have to approach someone and try to start a conversation with them. Then just to be completely ignored or rejected makes it harder and harder to want to make that first move ever again. I realize that I'm obviously not attracted to the right people, otherwise none of this would be an issue. But you can't help who you're attracted to. I'm 29, yes....I know that I'm young and have my whole life ahead of me to find someone. But, I just honestly don't feel like there's anyone out there for me. Well, I feel like there is, but I already screwed up that relationship so I feel like I lost my only chance.

I honestly don't know if there's any kind of sliding scale with costs, I wouldn't know how to even find out. But I barely make enough money to cover my current expenses, so even if there is I still doubt that I could afford it. I've been trying to look into it more but I haven't had a lot of luck with finding any useful information.

I realize that I will never be the life of a party or the center of attention. That is the last thing that I would ever want anyways. I'm sure that it is better to learn to like yourself on your own than to rely on other's opinions. But I have no idea how to do that. And that's how I got to where I am right now....the one person that I thought actually cared about me basically abandoned me, hence my current state of depression.

I realize that it's stupid to "give up" being this young. And odds are that eventually I will meet someone. But in the mean time it just sucks being alone and having everyone tell you to go out and date people when you can't meet one woman that you have any sort of mutual attraction or connection with.

And honestly I have such a negative attitude towards relationships I'd probably end up sabotaging the whole thing anyways. Because I just feel like even if I found someone that did like me, I'm eventually going to screw it up like I did my last relationship and then I'll just end up alone and heart broken again.

I don't know. I guess I'm just kind of using this to get all of my thoughts out. I don't have a lot of friends or anyone that I can talk to at all really. And just sitting around thinking all of these thoughts to myself is driving me crazy. So it's nice to get other people's feedback on it

[hamster-bamster]

Wow, CBT free from NHS. That sounds so great.

[twiks]

Sorry if that post is an incoherent mess. I'm barely awake and only running on about 4 hours of sleep the last 2 days. :-)

Cyber hug coming over.. you sound very 'done in'.

Had a little look and found this article, may be food for thought - Finding Low-Cost Psychotherapy | Psych Central

Have you ever read a book on CBT, or even about shyness or low self-esteem? They can really help, and perhaps they may just help you. I bought my partner a book on CBT which had space to write down things and it was really good. I just had a look on Amazon, but can't find it in America. Am sure there are others to perhaps consider, and at least with Amazon you get to see reviews and not waste any money.

I hope you do seek some help, even with a book. I know its very very hard to start the ball rolling, esp when so fed up with everything, but I hope you do. It can only be beneficial?

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Wow, CBT free from NHS. That sounds so great.

Yes, it's good. You have to convince them you need it, and then its a long wait (a year for my partner) but yep, therapy is free here for a lot of people, but not couples/relationship therapy. I say free, we do pay a lot in taxes!

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by riotgrrrl

I say free, we do pay a lot in taxes!

I know...