Torn Between Two

About seven months ago I became involved with a woman whose husband had abandoned her. At first our relationship revolved around her heartbreak over her husband's actions. He had been unfaithful to her on at least two occasions. He had moved out of the house twice. He had run up credit card debt in the tens of thousands. The first time he left she begged and bargained for him to return and he eventually did. Less than a year after that, he took all his stuff and left again. He refused to answer any calls and ignored and abandoned her completely. He had also emotionally abused her in many other ways too numerous to go into here. (However, interestingly, he did much the same thing with his previous wife; multiple infidelities and he left her three times.)

I had met her about seven months after he left her, and with her children's encouragement she started dating other men (me).

Initially, I just listened and provided a sympathetic ear for all her problems. I told her that I would try to help make the pain go away. Slowly we became closer and closer, until one day she told me she was in love with me and that indeed I had made her pain go away. I fell in love also and we began a very close and loving relationship. I met and became involved with her grown children and her parents. She became involved with my children and I introduced her to my friends and family.

She filed for divorce about three months ago and all the paperwork has been submitted. In this state, the divorce becomes final six months after the day she filed.

After he was served papers, I overheard a telephone conversation when he called her and I shocked to hear unbelievable verbal abuse coming from him. He screamed profanities at her and made treats against her. Turns out she asked to split the value of a piece of property in the divorce which he felt was his alone. I watched as she just listened to this abuse. Afterwards I told her that his behavior was awful. She stated that "he's just mad", no big deal. I was a little leery that she was so prepared to rationalize for him. In the end she capitulated and she told him that he could keep his property.

So our lives became closer and closer and we finally became engaged to be married. She swore everlasting love to me, she would forever be faithful, and she swore that we would always be together. She swore that she could never put anyone through the pain she has suffered. We were together every evening (we both have our own houses)and made several fun and bonding trips together. Our relationship was faith based and I truly thought God had brought us together.

About six weeks ago her ex-husband found out about our relationship. (You can probably tell where this is going) He started to phone her constantly. At first she told him not to call. But he persisted in a obsessive way. He would call fifteen or twenty times a night. I told her not to return the calls, not to talk to him, and that whatever she does, do not meet him.

Slowly she started to give in to his insistence. He would keep her on the phone and drag out the conversation. He promised her that he would do anything, including go to church (which he had always refused to do before), go to counseling (which he had always refused to do) if she would just take him back. Then he kicked it up a notch, and confessed all the things he did to her including the adulteries. He said that he was the worst husband there ever was and he doesn't blame her for leaving. But now, he has reformed. He has learned a painful lesson and he will never do anything wrong again if she will just take him back. He calls her and cries and sobs on the phone. He plays the "I'm still your husband" card. Then last week she agreed to see him. More tears and begging.

This affected her greatly. She told me she feels so guilty. She says she feels such pressure and that she wanted to be alone.

After a day of agony, we spoke and agreed that the day apart did nothing for either of us. At her parents encouragement (all of her family and friends despise her ex-husband) we went away for three days and left her cell phone behind. It was the most peaceful and loving experience. We recommitted our vows to each other and I really thought we were going to get through this.

But when we got back she listened to her messages and there he was crying and sobbing begging to take her back. I told her that this was pure manipulation and control. It is not her that he wants. He doesn't want her to be with me. And by the way, every friend and member of her family tell her the same thing. She seemed to agree and things seem to improve.
Last night we had a wonderful evening together. But when she got home he was waiting for her in her driveway. More theatrics and tears. I thought this was getting to a critical point so I dashed over to her house. I pleaded with her to stop this insanity. She had to be firm and tell her ex-husband the truth about us and to let him go. She said that she would take care of it.

The next day I woke up to none of my usual email messages from her. Or phone calls. So I tried to email her and phone her. Nothing. Nothing all morning.

Around noon I received an email that stated this:

" I would like to share a few thoughts I've had recently. I know there are no guarantees when it comes to love. Real love requires risk, putting one's feelings out there in the most vulnerable state. Without that risk, we will never share true love with anyone. The thought of risking another chance with Steve scares me to death, but in reality, the risk would be no less with anyone. What if he really has changed this time? What if God has changed his heart and sent him back to me? I would have to give him another chance. No one knows what the future holds for us. The best we can do is put our faith in God and pray that he will lead us down the right path. That path does not always lead to what we think is our best interest, but it does lead to God's will. I believe in this with all my heart."

She eventually phoned and said that she wanted to have some time alone to sort things out. So I did not contact her. She called me two days later and told me again how much she loved me and missed me. Three days ago we went together for a counseling session with a licensed psychiatrist. He asked me to stay behind after the joint session and told me in no uncertain terms that she had serious and significant emotional issues. He stated that she really needed treatment and that it would probably require a long term commitment. He recommended several different agencies and types of providers, and he also said that I had better seriously reconsider the relationship. After a day I told her that I could no longer sustain a relationship like this. I said that if she could not choose then I would would help her. I said goodbye. Within a week her ex-husband had moved back in with her.
What gives?

Wow, that is quite a story...you must feel very confused, I know I would be.
The only answer/help I can offer is in your own words:
"At first our relationship revolved around her heartbreak over her husband's actions."
If that's what your relationship was based on, then as soon as her heartbreak was over, your relationship was over as well.
Tough one.....

I am sorry that you are having to go through all this..... but in the end I would have to say that the two of you would probably had problems, for the woman was not over the love she had for her husband quite yet - IMO she rushed the dating and getting engaged a little to fast.

Most marriage counselor will tell a newly divorced person to have at least 1 full year of having no one in their life... and to spend this time getting to know who they really are before they invite another back into their life and heart.

LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((( hugs )))

Hi Cazadorleon,

I am so sorry you had to go through this. I believe that you did the right thing in letting her go. She sounds very confused, and should probably work at getting some help. I feel for you, I really do. It hurts to be promised "forever", only to have something like this happen. I think in the long run, she will regret her decision to go back with her husband. Like you said, he is using manipulation to get control over her again.

I really hope that you are ok in all of this. You sound like you are, but I know it has to hurt. They say everything happens for a reason. Who's to say what the reason is? I think it just means that there is something (or someone) better out there for you. I wish you the very best, and I hope you stick around here at PC because this is a really great and supportive site.

Sujin

this is a cliche.....but, i'm glad you found this out before you married her......it sounds like she really need some serious therapy. i'm so sorry for your pain and please keep posting. we all have broad shoulders.....xoxox pat

Thanks everyone. An update. After two weeks, we got in contact again. I asked her if she was happy and was this what she wanted. She said no and wanted us to try again. I told her I would under the condition that she, and we go to consistant and effective counselling. I also insisted that she, and we attend support group meetings. And I said that she would have to stop all contact with her ex-husband. She agreed to all the conditions. I told that I considered a deal a deal and we shook hands.

The next day we went for a couselling session, and after I told the story she started waffling about the deal we had. She actually lied to the counselor and said that we hadn't made the deal. After that I told her that she is really messed up. I haven't seen her since but have exchanged a few emails. I really need to move on.

I just read your post and wow! I started dating my wife when her divorce was alomost done with. Of course, her ex cheated on her and I hear about it when ever I go somewhere (I.e out of town for work or rugby), but now she is getting better. It sounds like this male character is a real jackarse, who has total control of his exwifes feelings. I can understand leaving your feelings out there and get thrown away, but pack it up and get on with it, brother. It will be unhealthy for you keep on going the way you are. This is just my point of view, but I wish you luck.

KJ

I received a letter from a woman who said she was stuck in the same abusive situation. Her case was actually a little differen. She was 29 years old, no job (he won't let her), two kids and nowhere to go. It broke my heart to read her story. I advised her to devise an escape plan. Begin to prepare the plan. Believe always in her plan, no matter how long it takes. And when she has everthing prepared, execute her plan and never, never look back.

In my case the woman I was involved with is in little different situation. Which is why it baffled me so much. She is 47 years old. She is financially independent. There were no children involved. She had been living on her own for 7 months before we met. We had been together for 6 months before he found out and decided he wanted her back. I just couldn't believe that she would even consider the proposal. But she did. Furthermore, she genuinely doesn't see the manipulation or just denies it.

She said;
" I know you think it is sick but I really do love you still to this day. I think about you all the time. I don't just love someone and then stop that's what makes this all so painful no matter which way I turn. How do you stop doing it. Someone is going to get hurt. Everyone. You hurt, I hurt, he hurts even though he's the one who has caused all of this."

So you can see from her last sentence what I have been up against. Now he has started phoning me and hanging up the phone. I'm not sure if he is harrassing me or just checking when her line is busy to see if she is talking with me. Either way I won't tolerate any more of that.

And so I have to just let go. It has been a very painful and destructive process. I learned that the pain of heartache is the same as hunger pain. So when you live with it all day, and all night you become numb to it. I went 48 hours with no sleep and nothing to eat. I'm now down 21 pounds. But once I get through the pain the I look forward to re-building my life again.

I have never cheated or been unfaithful in my life. How does one justify in their own mind and soul such betrayal? I used to wonder about that when I would see if from the outside. But now being on the inside it is really shocking to me.

Oh well. Thanks again everybody for your great responses. Really comforting for me when I needed it.

Cazadorleon,

You are so strong to stay so determined not to continue going back with that lady. You have a very healthy control of your own life & listening to the first counsellor that told you that she had some serious & significant emotional issues was probably the best thing you did for yourself. At least his opinion help reinforce the experiences you ended up going through with her.

The letter you shared about the other lady & the suggestion you gave her to have a plan....reminded me of the movie "sleeping with the enemy". You provided her with the most valuable suggestion she could have ever been given. You have also been good at taking your own valuable logical advice about handling your own life dealing with the lady you through would be your life long partner......it is good that you aren't willing to continue floundering in a relationship that wouldn't work. I am sure it is not that easy to go on with life after getting involved in a real close relationship, but it sounds like you are grounded well in reality & don't continue on thinking that something that will work out when in reality, you are better off out of that relationship.

Keep following what your mind is telling you & don't get suckered into a relationship that will only cause heartache.......you are a very wise person & to be quite honest, you would make a great husband. It isn't many guys who are that in touch with themselves & in control of what they know is best for their own life. Keep true to yourself & you may someday find someone that deserves you. Don't settle for less & I am sure from your words, you won't.

Debbie

Poobah,

Thanks for your kind words. 11 Eskimo dog! I moved here from Alaska and know a little about them (Iditerod and all. Shame about Susan Butcher...). That's a lot of work on your hands. Anyway, thanks again for taking the time to respond.