Open Communication Is Not All It Is Cracked Up To Be

I've posted on here before about how my long distance boyfriend lets me down a lot and I put in almost all the effort into keeping our relationship alive. We've only invested four months into this so far. I thought that after he left me outside his house waiting 45 minutes in the cold despite the fact he was expecting me, he fell asleep and didn't hear his phone ring 15 times, I should have a conversation with him about effort and consideration.

I tried. It failed.

I've spoken to him several times and, in true LDR fashion when you can't meet in person, sent him a well thought out non-attacking e-mail about my concerns with our relationship. (He wasn't answering the phone and I don't believe in texts arguments). I wanted to know if he wanted to/could he put more effort or be more courteous towards me. I told him I knew I wouldn't be the center of his universe (he has a 3 yr old son who has that spot haha) but would still want to work at our relationship because LDRs take a lot of work.

His reply: half asleep, nearly a week after this e-mail as sent, we're on the phone and he tells me he is an a hole, always going to be an a hole, and it is up to me to accept him for who he is. A few days later I tried to talk to him again, this time he was awake. He confirmed his previous statements. He said he lacked empathy and he wasn't going to change.

While I knew I was putting in more effort into the relationship than he was, I never thought this relationship really didn't mean that much to him. We had a mutual like and respect going on for awhile. He said he wanted something deep and meaningful but made no attempts on his part to promote that vision. I thought voicing my concerns might at least give way to an honest dialog about the direction we're heading....but instead he turned into a guy I don't recognize. Perhaps this is his true self. I can't even call it self-deprecating because he's so...cocky with it. "I lack empathy and I am a slacker and I'm not going to change that."

Thank you for your blunt honesty?

So now I know where I stand and it is going to hurt like a you know what. I haven't full processed this yet and I haven't broken it off yet. It seems like that is the logical next step since I somehow devoted four months of my busy life to someone who doesn't give a crap about me. :-/

Part of me feels like this came out of nowhere and part of me is disappointed that I spoke up regarding an issue that was bothering me and now seem...dismissed. I hope this doesn't prevent me from speaking up in future relationships.

So much for that.

Hey.. for what its worth, you were right to speak up. The alternative would be feeling like you have for however much longer and perhaps wasting even more time investing in the wrong person. I think you shouldn't be put off again in future relationships, its just this man didn't tell you what you wanted to hear which I know is hard. They aren't all like this, I promise! Some men just can't be bothered to go out of their comfort zone and try and fix what is broken, so the best way to be with them is to not bother with them back. If he couldn't talk to you about your legitimate concerns then you're best off without him. Sorry hun.

I know its gong to be hard to say goodbye, but you have to think of yourself and if you're not happy, then take control. Onwards and upwards and hopefully you'll meet someone who has a healthier attitude with himself (slacker and the empathy thing) and someone who has a healthier attitude to relationships.

Hugs

I really do not see your point. Open communication helped reveal a condition that you find unacceptable and the other party won't change, and now you can happily cut your losses early in the process, after ONLY 4 months.

Since open communication was so helpful in revealing what you needed to know, I cannot see why you would not be more, rather than less, inclined to use it in future relationships.

The purpose of addressing him was not in getting him to say what you wanted to hear (thanks riotggrl for calling a spade a spade), but in getting him to tell you the truth, and he did tell you the truth, so you reached your goal with just one well thought out email. You could not have spent THAT much time writing one email, so you were not only effective but also time efficient in your open communication efforts.

I hope you feel better soon!

Open communication is a good thing but it can be hard to handle. He told you honestly how he felt and what he was putting into the relationship. He left it in court court to decide if you find him acceptable or if you want something else. I think we too often make ourselves out to be something we are not and try to be happy and pleasant. I think being in a releationship should be about being real and who you are. I'm not saying you have to be an a hole to your partner, but some people are rough around the edge and that is just who they are. It is about finding someone compatible and not about making the releationship built on trying to please the other person.

Everyone previous to me said it like it is.

4 months is a small price to pay to know now what this really is. You are lucky.
Be grateful you weren't pulled any further into that hole.

"WHEN SOMEONE TELLS YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM. THEY KNOW THEMSELVES BEST" -Maya Angelou

Be your true self, be true to that self, live authentically. All those phrases will mean more to you as you go forward.

Good wishes coming your way

I feel your pain. Sometimes it's easy to think keeping one's mouth shut might have been better.. It might have preserved the fantasy. I think it's interesting that he didn't put you down for your thoughts, which many men would have. They would have accused you of clinging. Your bf simply stated what he had to offer... brutal honesty. Are you in or not. Perhaps you were paraphrasing him, but when a guy tells you directly that he is an a hole, how can anyone with any sense of dignity stay with him? I am going thru a breakup after 3 months. This is not what I wanted... complex situation. But I have suffered, so am empathetic to the pain. Still, he is making it difficult to stay!

I definitely agree with you in trying to see the positive - the guy did not accuse Maroda of clinginess while he might have accused her of clinginess, but given the severity of the situation

I think he really really really did not have any remotely reasonable cause for such accusations, so the fact that he did not make such accusations does not do much to glorify him, at this point.

Yes.. I totally agree with you HB. Not into the glorification thing. Just that I've been in the situation where I approach thing in a mature fashion only to be overwhelmed with a crazy response. Where I was. in a very emotionally charged way, told I WAS WRONG. But this is not about me... my heart is with Maroda09 because she really wants him to give her a reason to stay and yet he keeps giving her reasons to leave.