I can't seem to get over my boyfriend having a child with someone else.

It must be as awkward for him as it is for you but If you get to know him maybe you can pass on knowledge that he can't get from other members of his family. You could teach him music for example or other talents you have. It all depends on how you two interact. You just might be his next favorite person.

On his birthday phone call from his dad and me, he told his dad that I am "hekka cool" because I know stuff about things. (He gets in trouble for saying hella, so he he says hekka as in heck.) That makes me feel lower than an amoeba because he thinks I'm cool, but I can't cope with his existence...again, I feel stupid during this part of the story... :/

It doesn't sound like this is the right situation for you. It also doesn't sound as though either you or your BF are in the right mindset to settle down and have children yourselves. It sounds like both of you are too focused on yourselves to be ready to put children first. It's okay to be young and a little selfish; it just means you aren't ready to have kids yet. If your feelings in this situation are about how your BF's kid impacts YOU and how the child support money impacts YOU, it just screams to me that you aren't ready to be thinking like a parent. Hearing your views about this kid, I just don't think you're the right fit for your BF and his kid (his family).

When I hear this situation, my heart just aches for the poor kid who's caught in the middle. He is here because BOTH of his parents made the decision to have sex without protection when they were not ready to be parents. He is not hear because his mom didn't get an abortion; he's here because BOTH of his parents decided that they were willing to have sex without protection and take the risk of becoming pregnant. However, once he was born, his mom stepped up and his dad didn't. If his dad doesn't even really want him and only sees him twice a year, OUCH. That kid is never going to have a fair shake at life, because of his dad's absence and emotional neglect. If this isn't what troubles you, I would be concerned about you even considering to have children with this guy. Moreover, since your concern is really about you-- and not your future children-- it just doesn't sound like either of you are ready. It's much better to realize that BEFORE you decide to have children. It also sounds like you are someone who should probably never be a step-parent. Step-parents can do a lot of harm to their step-children through emotional neglect/anger, and I really would not want this poor kid to have to be hurt by his father, and then hurt again by you, when he does come to visit. Even if it is unspoken, kids can absolutely tell when they are not wanted or loved, even if you're putting on that "smile" that you use with your students. Kids are just smarter than that.

I can also speak from experience. I've seriously dated 2 people with kids, and I have fallen in love with each and every kid (4 total). When you really love someone, you recognize that their kid is an extension of them; a combination of all of their best parts. You don't look at the kid as "genetic material" or "child support"; the kid is a beautiful, wonderful person who you are blessed to have in your life. If you don't feel that way about your BF's kid, you probably shouldn't be a part of your BF's family.

Think of how tragic it would be, too, if you had kids and then you felt this way about your child's own brother? Imagine how differently you would treat your own child, and that child, when they were together? How would you feel about your child's relationship with their brother? I just see disaster written all over this. Children see how their siblings are treated differently, and you can do so much harm that way.

Moreover, it doesn't sound as if you understand just how much money it costs to support a child, especially a 10-year-old. The amount most people pay in child-support doesn't even cover a fraction of the actual cost of supporting the child. Think about food, clothing, doctors, dentists, school expenses, toys, activities (movies, amusement park, etc), sports teams, lessons, gas to drive the child to lessons, vacations, etc. Children are EXPENSIVE! People who don't have children tend to grossly underestimate these costs and think that the mom is just "scamming" the money, which is not true the vast majority of the time. Courts do not order people to pay child support that is unaffordable or unnecessary (with the possible exception of the very wealthy; celebrity divorces can be unnecessarily pricey, but unless your BF makes that kind of money, that's not an issue).

Aside from the issue with your BF and his kid, I think you need to deal with your own emotions about being the second kid in your family and feeling unwanted by your own parents. It seems that you have a lot of hurt around that issue. If you ever plan on having more than one kid yourself, I think you need to deal with this FIRST. How horrible would it be to bring 2 children into the world if you feel that the second child will never be as special as the first? When parents think that way, it is incredibly damaging for the child.

I am considering counseling, but wanted to try "shared experience therapy" before I committed to counseling. I am feeling much better hearing everyone's advice and stories. I still will probably seek therapy on the matter to give me continuing coping skills.

That's why I only want one child, I know that's all I can handle. I was in counseling from 8-24 for my own issues dealing with my mom not wanting me but having me and seeing how my brother was treated. I think I turned out pretty good, I am almost done with my doctorate in Educational Leadership and Policy, which includes a great deal of child development classes. I know what the kid is going through and would never knowingly treat him differently from my own kids or hurt him. That's why I am working through this now and if I can't, I leave.

It should make you happy that he thinks like that of you and give you confidence and push to get to know him and form a bond with him (if you are sure that you're going to be with your BF of course)

But reading what the others said and knowing a bit about your backstory, probably therapy/counseling is a good thing and it could help you much more than anything we can post here. I would go if I could afford it.

After the initial shock that my then bf's ex was pregnant, I got over it. The ex didnt like me at first (claimed I stole her bf) but I sat her down and it went so well I named their daughter...

Not long after I discovered I was pregnant too, the girls are not even a yr apart in age. I was 19 at the time and logic dictated that for the kids to be healthy, and happy we all have to be ok with eachother. Whether we bloody like it or not!

His eldest daughter was an extention of him, so that just made her all the more easier to love, I've never had a problem past accepting "she's really here".

Fast forward nearly 10yrs, neither of the girls or us mothers give the "dad" the time of day because he sucks at being one. We 4 hardly see eachother now, as they moved away, but when we do, we get along just fine. Even though they don't see much of eachother these days, our girls know they are sisters, they used to have sleep-overs, spend holidays and birthdays with eachothers families, had a real sister relationship before the firstborn's mom got married and moved. I'm responsible for the fact that they got to know and love eachother, and that makes me damn proud!

I'm not saying befriend the ex, its not always possible. What I am saying is that you "adults" and I use the term loosely here, should understand that the child comes first. Children automatically come first. If that is not your mindset, no matter who's womb the child exited from, then parenting is not for you. That is fact.

If I could sit down at such a tender age and make enemies see reason for the sake of the kids involved then I see no reason why grownass ppl cant do the same. And yes, enemies, she didn't just spend all his money, there was arguing, physical confrontations (her to me) gossip spreading, it was an UGLY situation in the beginning. But the 3 of us managed it, because we put the children first, and none of us were even 20 yrs old yet.

If you guys cant put junior and future sibling first, then by all means part ways peacefully now, because if you stay, that is your choice to be miserable, but the kids don't have any kind of say in whether or not you guys end up making their lives miserable.

Twice a year is pathetic by the way, people treat their dogs better.

I have no problem dating a man with kids, I have 1 too, but I would never date a man who saw his kid twice a year, its like the childs novelty wears off or something.

And yes, he doesn't want the child, then why not just stick to being a paycheque instead of punishing the poor boy with 2 forced visits to save face? Your bf seems to be getting away with part-time parenting, the child deserves better.

It sounds as if the numerous classes on child development had been a total waste of time if, having taken them and presumably passed them with good grades, you appeared on here with the statement that a second kid is not special.

So I think that you need to focus on completing the degree and getting a good job, all the while staying on your birth control. You are twenty nine and still have some time. Put the idea on the back burner.

That is a very reasonable approach.

Actually, I passed all of my child development classes with flying colors and each one of them said that, for the most part, the second child has a sort of complex and feels pretty much the way I do if parents don't handle it properly. It is a personal view that I hold that the second is less special than the first because of personal experience that I have tried for years to work through, not one of child psychologists or professors.

I also don't want to have my child until I am at least 33 and have my career set where I want it to be. Hopefully, I can move past this issue and have a kid with my bf. If I can't, then maybe I can find someone else more suited, if not, there is always invitro.

Good point, RoseBee, I hadn`t thought of it like that, as people are older when they get together they usually do have "baggage". My ex is 12 years younger than me and totally accepted my baggage, so it you`ve got me thinking: is it a measure of real love when total acceptance is present? In a way I`m glad that I am past it! But I can see your problem more clearly now, I am sorry I was so dismissive, regards Dionysius.

Thank you

I think what Flooded thinks, you should listen to him

that sounds like a good plan for all possible contingencies

I want to thank everyone for their input. You all have given me different perspectives and viewpoints from which to approach this situation. In facing it and dealing with it these past few days, I have come to know that my anger, hurt, and confusion is coming from the idea of the man I fell in love with. This man was an artist, intellectual, and gamer geek without kids, everything I wanted. And, as most things are too good to be true, this was, and he has a kid. He is still the same man and I love him, but I am mourning the perfection of what I thought he was. His kid is a living, breathing reminder of that lie and the fact he was with someone else. (Was she better than me? Does he compare us in his mind? See....those neurotic crazy questions..) I am not really sure where to go from here because I am torn with this revelation. My heart says love him because the next guy will be the same thing due to my age. My head says that it doesn't hurt to see what else is out there. I am seeking professional therapy and my first appointment is next week.

Now onto my next question: How do I stop the cycle of the neurotic spiral into questioning and unhealthy thinking until my appointment? I am keeping myself busy: Sewing, cooking, knitting, working on my grad school homework, seeing friends, etc. If I have a free moment, my mind thinks of all kinds of questions such as: Why didn't you sign over your parental rights if you didn't want him when he was young? Why weren't you safe with the sex? and then there's the: Why am I so threatened by a mistake from the past? Any suggestions?

Also, please no one tell me again for the 100th time to put the kid first. While our children are our future and are terribly important, I agree with a lot of the child development research coming out in the past 3 years saying that a child centric view in a family and society is detrimental to the child's social/emotional growth and development. I favor a balanced approach where the best thing that can be given to the child is for his or her parental units (nuclear or mixed) to have a good, strong relationship and teach personal responsibility to the child. If I stay with my bf, I will, in some capacity, be in this child's life. I then owe it to him to have a good relationship with his dad. Right now, that isn't possible because I either pester him with my neurotic questions, cry on him, or get angry at him for being stupid. That's not a healthy relationship.

**********Psychological Forum Therapy Rambling Starts Here**********

I also feel like it's common sense I leave him because he hid the kid. I get it though, he was young, father's have little say after a woman gets pregnant, he didn't wear a condom, and there's a kid. He didn't want it, so he's just kinda doing the best he can in a less than ideal situation. He moved away to where he only sees him twice a year because the economy was better here for his industry than where he grew up. He doesn't have spare money to travel because of the rate of child support. I know kids are expensive, while I do not have any, I buy school supplies, school clothes, shoes, etc for kids in my class that don't have them and need them, but his ex and the kid live only on what he pays them. His fee is exorbitant and, after my attorney looked over the paper work, he is over paying according to the State of Texas' child support formula. I think I would be less bitter about the whole situation if he actually could date me and take me out to nice places without him having to save up for 6 months.

My emotional locus tells me to stay because he's everything I want and there's only one things "wrong" with him and even if we don't work out in the end for whatever reason, this is a good learning situation because as I get older, more and more men will have the babies.

OK, so he did not use a condom and ended up having a child he did not want, and learned from that experience and is now being careful with you, but you react to his being careful with you by feeling hurt. You feel hurt that he is so careful with you. Well, he is so careful with you not because he dislikes you or prefers her or anything else - he is so careful because he has LEARNED FROM EXPERIENCE! Which is a good thing - as a teacher, you should realize that the ability of learn from experience is the key ingredient of being successful.

So to the extent that you seem to show keen appreciation of "good learning situations", could you give him credit for processing his own good learning situation, rather than feel slighted by his being so careful?

Regarding putting the child first.

Imagine that you have done absolutely everything right. Absolutely everything. Finished the degree, got a great job, married, had a house with the husband, had exactly one child, raised him or her well, etc etc just basically everything has gone very very well and you are on your deathbed being very very old and proud of your life's achievements and ready to die in a peaceful, painless manner. And, you have a grown child. Who will be orphaned following your demise - imagine that the child's dad has already passed away after an equally successful life and in an equally painless, dignified manner.

From that locus, would you prefer that your child be left completely alone in this world or having a half-brother to lean on and converse with?

I can tell you a story of one of my close gfs.

She could not conceive a child. Was very successful in anything she touched, professionally or, basically, touched in any form, but could not conceive. Her husband did not have a fertility problem - she had. Her husband had a child with his first wife. After many years of trying, my gf and her H separated because she fell in love with a new man. Due to age, as she was in her late 30s, she immediately began trying to conceive with the new man. It did not work. Then, IVF attempts did not work - many of them. Finally, she conceived via IVF - a twin pregnancy. BTW you will need to read up on twins A LOT before you proceed with the IVF option that makes the likelihood of twins so high, because if you personally believe that there are so many issues surrounding the parenting of a second child, just wait until you read the literature on twins...

OK, so the new man has left his first wife and his 4 year old child to be with my girlfriend. His first wife was not happy about it - she wanted him back.

And then he had a heart attack at age 40 and died instantly.

And my gf had her twins and... was able to strike a relationship with the first wife of the man who died and with the older child of his. And she hosts visits on a regular basis, because she wants the half-brothers - her twin sons and the older son of the man who died - to bond and have each other for each other for the rest of their lives.

Try that - try working from the first principle that says that YOUR hypothetical child would BENEFIT from having a good relationship with his or her half-brother. Rather than put your bf's son first, put your own hypothetical child first and see what comes out of that way of thinking.

Can I ask why you refer to this child as the "kid"? It sounds like you hate him from the written word.

No no no! I do not hate him at all! I refer to all children as kids, kiddo's, or another term of endearment such as sweet pea, sugar, sweetheart, etc. I feel like referring to him as the child is so formal and detached. Thank you for asking that.

This is all good perspective and food for thought. Thank you for this thought provoking and thoughtful post. You have definitely given my thought new direction.

Thanks for the clarification. It's hard get the right meaning sometimes

So so true.

I just want to illustrate this with a food analogy.

Our grocery store here has a refrigerator in which it keeps clearance items. I usually check it. Sometimes there are yummy things there.

Today they had cut up watermelon on clearance.

I did not buy it.

I love watermelon but did not buy it.

This is because my experience buying watermelon at cheaper grocery stores (not Whole Foods) has taught me that cut up watermelon is often rotten, overripe, and, basically, well past its prime. And if cut up watermelon at regular prices has been known to be well past its prime, then (I concluded) one should not even take chances with cut up watermelon that the grocery store employees deemed worthy of the "clearance" label.

So I did not buy it but did fantasize about - some day - inviting a group of friends over and serving a real watermelon with the rind on.

So I still love watermelon, but have learned that the enjoyment of watermelon has to be planned in advance, and certain requirements have to be met - a whole watermelon has to be bought; the fridge in my apartment should not be cluttered with random stuff because in order to serve the watermelon chilled, I have to have enough space in the fridge; people need to be invited ahead of time; etc. - takes a lot of planning. But I do still love watermelon.

I am not trying to say that your bf's son is rotten - no! But just trying to illustrate, tangibly, what it is to have learned from experience.