I can't seem to get over my boyfriend having a child with someone else.

I hate to admit this in public. I am a teacher for heaven's sake! I work with kids and are around them all the time, but I can't get over my boyfriend having a kid with someone else. I am fine when I just kinda pretend he doesn't exist, but then he pops up twice a year, or a phone call, or a nostalgic story, and I get into this funk. Let me give some background:

BF got girl pregnant when they were together and broke up before he found out about kid. They were young...like teens.

BF tried to do the right thing and date her after she told him, but it didn't work out. He wanted an abortion, she didn't.

BF has always paid child support even though he never wanted the kid in the first place.

BF sees kid twice a year, Christmas and a week in the summer.

Why I get into a funk:

All of his money goes to child support and he barely has any to date me with. (Let's be honest...child support should be called ex with a baby support.) I tend to pay for most things, but then again, I make more and have higher standards and finer tastes.

We've been together a year and he knows I want a child and he wants one with me, but I get a little jealous and upset because he is SO CAREFUL with me to not get me pregnant. I am on the pill, but if I forget to take it, sex stops.

I don't like the idea of his and another woman's genetic material running around that I have to be reminded of.

He didn't tell me about the kid until we were dating for five months. By that time, I had fallen for him...hard. I usually don't date guys with kids because of, well, the reasons I am listing.

My kid with him, if we have one, won't be special or exciting because it will be his second, and woo....second kid. I can say that...I was the second.

My funk is a state of crying, anger, and general distance from him. Yes, we've talked about it...pounded it into the ground. I am tired of talking and I want to change my reaction. He can't change the past, I know that, I have to accept it, but how? If I can't, I will leave him, but I love him and don't want to. I am trying to make it work. Any advice?

Sorry your in this situation.

Either you will have to get over it all and move forward in a life with him or get over it and move on without him.

Maybe you could see a therapist to help you figure out will be best for you.

Good Luck

Your bf is doing the right thing by his child and good on him and I can help sensing a lot of selfishness in your post.
Sounds like you need to suck it up or move on because the child will be around forever whether you like it or not.

I can relate to you in a way, my BF his ex appeared after 8yrs and told him he had a daughter, and they ended up having an affair and she told him she did a pregnancy test the day after they had sex and she was pregnant to him again...i'm a sucker for believing in him, and his sorry's and he wants me not her etc.....the women then told him she was wrong the daughter isn't his and the baby died, when she realised he was still there for me oh man and we're in our 30s...anyway long story short...I gave him many chances, and tried to be understanding about his daughter, he needs to go through paternity to finalise this mess his ex created.
I just cant stand it, I too get funked up over it..i'm jealous and I feel selfish, i'll admit that, I don't want him to have a daughter to someone else, I don't want him to go for paternity tests, I want him to believe his ex when she says the daughter isn't his, so we can both move forward for our future and make our baby like we planned together until his ex appeared then he pushed my wanting his baby away, he spends more time worrying about a paternity and less time worrying about making our baby that we'd been trying for 2yrs...I feel like if his paternity test is positive then what would he need me and a child with me for, that's just my opinion anyway.

Just a thought, how does your BF feel about you? He still wants you? and paying child support is a good thing

I agree, and that's why I am here. Do you have any tips on how to suck it up?

He wants to marry me, get a house, and have kids. He tells me that it's not that big of a deal, he doesn't want the kid really, but he likes him and that's why he doesn't sign away his rights. He tells me he wants me, he wants to have a kid with me and a kid that he actually wants. He's reassured me, and I feel reassured. I just need tips on how to get over this all consuming anger and jealousy that some other woman has what should be mine, his kid. I am sure it stems from him not telling me for five months. I would have broken up with him had he told me before I fell in love. I feel betrayed about that.

[quote=RoseBee;3120368]He wants to marry me, get a house, and have kids. He tells me that it's not that big of a deal, he doesn't want the kid really, but he likes him and that's why he doesn't sign away his rights.

????? You want to have a child with a man that doesn't really want his child????

Why would you want to be with a man that would say such a thing, let alone have children with..

This whole situation seems very odd .

I agree, extremely odd, him not wanting his own child, the OP still wanting babies by him? Its odd, that's why I'm struggling to give input. I can't find words that won't me look like a b!tch...

I do not think you are selfish...all your feelings are very valid. Selfish is hiding a kid for 5 months. I'm sorry you fell for this guy...i think you deserve better but you know best what you want in life. Gotta weigh the good and the bad. I was in a similar situation..my heart is broken. But i had to see the reality of my situation. I feel for you cause i know exactly how you feel. Remember you are not selfish. You have needs and you have as much right to having those needs met.

I'm not sure what to say to this really.. But I'd forget him. Anyone who doesn't put their own child first is a loser IMO. What's to say he decides he doesn't like your kid either? A child is for life and it sounds like your bf needs to grow up.

I think most of your feelings are normal, though for some people it would be less hard to accept. I don't think you are being selfish, and it takes a lot to seek advice when you know that you may come off as sounding that way. It annoys me that some people are so quick to call you selfish, bc we are here to offer advice and support each other, not to judge and name call.
That being said, I think the bigger issue is that he hid it from you. And you bringing up the fact that he has said he didn't want the child...it sounds like he is telling you what he thinks you want to hear, perhaps being a bit manipulative. I date men with children all the time, and I have one of my own so it never bothered me, but that is YOUR choice to make and he took that choice away from you when he hid the child from you. I do agree with Flooded, though...what if you were to get pregnant and things didn't work out? Would he be hiding YOUR child from someone else...running around telling people he doesn't want the kid???
I think a big part of this is also has to do with the child support issue...it is frustrating to feel like he is just a paycheck for his ex gf, and that takes away from what he will be able to provide for you and your future child. Maybe a therapist can help you work some of this out and get down to the real issues here...in the meantime, I would seriously reconsider any thoughts on having a child with him until you get it all worked out and have come to peace with all this. Hugs.

Oh, well that's okay then?????

That isn't 'genetic material' you're talking about. It's a human being. It's a child, with feelings, who didn't ask to be brought into the world. I hope you can see how wrong your thinking is.

Please go to therapy before you even think about having a child of your own.

Sometimes falling for someone and loving them just isn't enough to accept their past and get over resentment. He has this whole thing going on and in the middle is some innocent kid. You're ignoring the fact that he exists to get through the day to day, but what happens in the future? Go forward 10-15 years and the kid may just want to get to know his father. How are you going to ignore that? You can't and you shouldn't.

I think it's time to be honest with yourself. You haven't accepted his past is part of him yet, so whats the likelyhood if it happening now? I can't help you accept him, only you have that in you - or not as the case may be. I actually think both you and your boyfriend are not really taking this on board. His comment about his own son is very much of a concern. You know, not accepting it is your choice and it doesn't mean it's a bad one for you - we all have our ideals and deal-breakers. There's no wrong or right in this, but not accepting it and bringing your own resentment into the relationship, perhaps on an innocent child, well, that's not a good move.

And this is not healthy. If you think that your child will not be special or exciting because it's his second means to me that you probably shouldn't have one with this man. Every single child should be special, every single one without exception.. That's a much healthier attitude and will be the best environment to grow up in.

I do wish you all the best with this hard situation.

But we are all genetic material. He's a child with feelings who didn't ask to be brought into this world, and by mistake he was. Some people, no matter how good or precious, are mistakes and are here because their mother chose to have them. I fall into that category, so I understand that's how having kids works sometimes. I am sorry my viewpoint on life and reality makes you think I apparently have serious issues.

I was concerned at first with his view point, too. I had to wrap my head around the idea that at first he had a kid, then on top of that, I had to get used to the idea that he had one that he didn't really want in the first place. After talking to him about it, I began to see his viewpoint, that the child wasn't planned, he should have used a condom, and fathers have very little say in what happens when a woman gets pregnant. As cold and harsh of a reality as it sounds, I understand it. I don't necessarily agree with it, but I don't know how to cope with the child. I feel like he was sprung on me and I am not sure how to get past the whole messy thing.

Thank you for your input.

The child support is a HUGE issue for me. Granted, it would be a bigger issue if he didn't pay it. The problem I have with it lies in the fact that the kid's mom worked until the support got upped. Now she doesn't work and supports the same lifestyle as when she did. That's what I find irritating because I know it isn't all going to the kid. It is also an issue to me that when we have a kid, I will pretty much be sole support of it due to the amount he pays on the one he already has.

I don't want a child until I am married to avoid a messy situation like this. We have talked about marriage and he's asked me once, but I don't want to say yes until I know I can accept this part of him. As I've said before, I will leave if I can't, but I HAVE to know that I've tried. Creating this profile and posting on here is not to whine or be flamed for not viewing children as special, it's to get perspective from someone who has no ties to this situation, hear personal stories of people who have been in similar situations, and get advice. If this doesn't help, then I am going to therapy.

Thank you for your views. They were a big help.

You're welcome. I have a friend who got involved with a man who had a child (she did know about it), and the child's mother did the exact same thing. She also played this little game where she would take the child to doctors that weren't covered my his medical insurance and then send him a stack of medical bills a month before Christmas. They have 2 other children now and have been married for 7 years but it STILL frustrates her, and I can see why...I get the sense that she feels like SHE is paying for someone else's mistake, and in a sense she is, because he pays an enormous amount of child support to this woman who refuses to even get a part time job and that takes away from her family in more ways than one...she can't be home with her own children as much because she puts in extra hours at her own job. That is a frustrating situation to have to deal with.

Have you met the baby yet, maybe you and your BF could spend a day together with his son, accept his son into both your lives, should you and your BF have kids they'd have a big brother? just a thought

I am in a similar situation. My bf has a child from a previous relationship that ended up in him trying to suicide(that woman really screwed around with his mind), after a few months of breaking up she told him she was pregnant. Now he has a kid he pays child support to (and I make sure it's on time every month because I really don't want to deal with his ex).
I have some of the same issues you do, with jealousy and thinking about the future. Your bf said he didn't want him and I can understand that in the sense that my bf is trying really hard not to care since he can't be 100% in this kids life. he doesn't know if we are going to move away from where the child is or stay closer for a long time. He would hate to start having more of an influence on him and then just disappearing (He also doesn't want anything to do with his ex, and that is really hard for him since she is the main point of the kid's life). But in your case, I don't know what the reason is he says that. Maybe it's to make you feel better. But you should get to the bottom of it, because it's not ok for him not to care just like that.
Anyway, personally I didn't find a way to deal with it yet, I just realize that every time it comes up it hurts less and less. I know that I'm probably not ready to meet the child but I will have to someday.
You can't say that if he has a child with you it's going to be his second, because it's going to be his first with you. He also probably missed a lot of things that happened with his first child and those will be a brand new experience for him. I wouldn't worry about that so much.
You also have to think that the child will never be 100% part of his life like you are or your children might be. As you said, it's only twice a year (for now of course).
In the end it all boils up to how much you love this man. If you can figure spending all your life with him, then this will just be something you will have to be neutral about.

The genetic material is actually a person and is the one who will suffer in this situation. Get rid of BF, just my opinion, don`t be offended.

The reason he didn't want the child is because they were both teenagers and he wasn't ready for one. He told her that and offered to pay for the abortion, but she didn't have one because it wasn't in her value system. I can appreciate that and agree with that because it's her right. That's why he tells me he didn't want the kid is because he didn't. He's just trying to do right by his kiddo by paying child support and seeing him twice a year. He calls it making the best of a bad situation. His kid is 10 btw.

He told me last night in another discussion about it (Every time I think about it and get into a mood he wants to talk about it rather than leave me alone to deal with it.) that he wants to do it right with me: Be married (which is a requirement from me to go off my birth control), have a house, and wants me to be working on my dissertation so most of my graduate courses are done.

I understand that when it comes up it hurts less and less, but do you ever have those days where it's just kinda there in huge neon lights and you feel so stuck, or depressed, or.. I don't even know what to name the emotion, really?

Thank you for your viewpoint, it actually gave me a lot to think about. I hope your situation gets better and you find your way in dealing with it.

I have met the kid, and he's a good kid. I just kinda treated him like one of my students and all was well with that end of it. I just don't like that he has a kid with someone else, so that was in my face, all 3 days he was here. He's coming back for a week in July, so I am trying to deal with this in a proper way so I can actually be fun and happy with him and my bf rather than just fake my way through it by going into teacher mode, then when my bf and I go to bed at night cry myself to sleep because it hurts.

I have and he's a good kid, and I see a lot of his father in him, but the features that aren't mine or his just reminds me and makes me want to leave. This isn't the kid's fault and I don't blame him for being born. I relate to his existence in that we were both mistakes our mothers chose to have. I am the product of a rape back when my mom was 16. I have one older sibling my mom had at 15 with her bf. I do have empathy for him.

How is he going to feel when his dad get married? He hasn't had to share his dad in a long time, then this red haired musician (me) comes blowing into town, now it's not just him and his dad anymore on his visits. What about when his dad has another kid that gets to live with him and see him all the time?

I blame my bf for not being more responsible and for not telling me right away. I told him when we went our first date that I don't date guys with kids. He told me 5 months later he had one after I fell hard for him. When I tell this part of the story I feel stupid for staying.. :/ I guess I figure I will be 30 in February and men my own age are likely to have already been married once and/or have a kid already, so I might as well get used to the idea with one that I love and am so compatible with. Sorry, didn't mean to ramble in my reply.

I'm glad you mentioned that this situation as personal historical significance for you.I would say that's a good enough reason to go into short term counseling to discuss this with a professional. You sound like you have your stuff together otherwise - working on your dissertation etc - so getting an outside perspective on this could help. You have good reason for your viewpoint.

Your BF is right when he wants to talk it out. If you keep the feelings in , it's going to eat you away. I had many discussions with my BF about the same things over and over, each time he was reassuring me and that made it become easier and easier. I remember I used to sneak into his facebook account a lot to look at his ex page to see if she put any pictures up of his kid, to see if he looked like my bf or not. Now, I probably do it once every two-three months, usually when i get in a funky mood.
And yes sometimes i do get in a really bad mood about it all day. It's uncomfortable and I try to push my BF away. In the end we talk and it gets a bit better but at least he doesn't feel rejected. Your BF seems very understanding and patient. I think that it would make you feel better to talk to him about it as soon as you have something brewing in your head. Of course you should also warn him first! That's what I did with mine anyway, told him that i would probably annoy him beyond reason but talking would help me and he agreed (he did get annoyed quite a bit, but he's a good sport)

I have never met my BF kid and I'm dreading to. I'm sure that it will be very awkward at first. The best advice I can come up with is that even if your BF didn't want this kid, he is still a part of him. In a way it's like those things that maybe make you mad when your BF does them but if they weren't there wouldn't make your BF who he is. So if you open up and try to accomodate, it will probably make your BF so happy that it would repay all the bad feelings you have. And maybe one day you'll just come to love the kid

Not offended, and am considering it. I love him and need to know that I at least tried to get over it because at my age, 29, there will be more and more men who have been married or have a kid, so the issue will still exist. So I kinda feel like I would be leaving one problem for a similar one.