[Herdaughter]

Like many I come from difficult family circumstances that have resulted in long term emotional struggles, some of which I don't really understand. I was abandoned by my mother, suffered neglect and emotionally abuse by my father, and generally had a big mess to emerge from which I've worked over the years. However I seem to have a pervasive jealousy and possessiveness over the men in my life that isn't healthy and causes a lot of heart ache - to myself especially.

Nothing is ever easy or straightforward when it comes to emotional issues. I feel envious of others in so many ways and it's not a pretty feeling or attractive quality. I do my best to hide or negate it, succeed in my own right, but in relationships I get a 'this is finally all mine!' feeling that makes it difficult not to feel threatened if my significant other gets close to someone else. It's not sexual jealousy where I think I'm going to be cheated on, but emotional possessiveness that makes me feel threatened by others. I think because I was so neglected in relationships that I crave all of the emotional attention someone else can possibly give. I'm only like this with my spouce, no one else.

The men in my life have never given me cause for insecurity or fear, so the jealousy is a 'delusional' jealousy rather than based on anything real. My reactions sometimes befuddle me and I often feel like these jealous outbursts aren't 'the real me'. If that makes sense.

Anyway, this is a really long post for I guess what is a simple question. For others like myself who've been abused and abandoned if you have a 'delusional' jealousy that is damaging your self-esteem and hurting your relationship are there positive ways you've learned to cope/overcome it?

[hamster-bamster]

I think you need a therapist for two reasons: you were abandoned as a child; you suspect that you might be delusional so it would be really good to have someone who is professionally capable to evaluate that.

[Herdaughter]

I'm sure you're right, but when I say 'delusional' I mean that my jealousy isn't based on anything other than my own insecurities, not on a paticular incident. I haven't been cheated on, but still fear my partner becoming close to anyone but myself. I imagine 'worst case scenario' rather than having confidence that my emtional needs will keep being met. At the moment I'll be traveling for a while and won't have access to therepy, so was just hoping for some strategy suggestions in dealing with this issue.

[~Christina]

I agree Therapy would be very helpful. Since it's not possible right now ... Try "self grounding" Basically when your mind starts to think the worst .. Stop and question yourself ..like

1. Has anything actually happened for me to think the trust has been broken?
2. Is there a legitimate reason to feel this jealousy?

Hope this helps even in a small way.

Hi herdaughter - i agree with the other posters in that professional help really is the best solution in helping you to cope with your feelings better and to discover more productive ways of moving forward. I think your childhood issues especially need some exploration. As people tend to wait some time for therapy appointments, is there any use in trying to book now for you to attend after you've come back from travelling? There are many self help guides and workbooks out there, DBT coping strategies may be particularly good in your circumstances. DBT Self Help is a great website that may be worth a read, i believe they have downloadable worksheets you may be interested in looking at. I hope i've been of some help. Regards, Rebecca.

[Herdaughter]

I have been to therapy at various times in my life and do pursue it when I'm especially struggling, as well as have gone to support groups, have started ones myself, and have been working on my issues for many years. So I know how vital and helpful they are.
At this point in time however my partner and I went through an incident for which I was hurt, overreacted, perceived the situation to be much worse than it is due to my own difficulties in this area. 'Worst case scenario' thinking as a means of self-protection and likely an understandable response given my background. I would just like to find a conscious way to let go of these anxieties that aren't in my conscious mind, but subconscious responses. They are so instantaneous it's frustrating. Thanks to all of you for your help and input. I'll be sure to integrate those as I go along.

[lido78]

Originally Posted by Herdaughter

I'm sure you're right, but when I say 'delusional' I mean that my jealousy isn't based on anything other than my own insecurities, not on a paticular incident. I haven't been cheated on, but still fear my partner becoming close to anyone but myself. I imagine 'worst case scenario' rather than having confidence that my emtional needs will keep being met. At the moment I'll be traveling for a while and won't have access to therepy, so was just hoping for some strategy suggestions in dealing with this issue.

You seem to be very aware of your issues and present them in a logical way...are you able to "reason" yourself out of your feelings of insecurity when they arise? I have similar feelings from time to time and also realize, in my logical moments, that my feelings really aren't based on reality or even anything tangible (such as evidence of a cheating partner)...so, when panic sets in, I really can only talk myself down by presenting myself with the "facts." And, at the end of the analysis, the facts do not support my initial (albeit delusional) conclusion....sometimes I feel as if I'm two people...they panicky insecure one and then the more logical assured one...I can get myself from one to the other in a manner of minutes...so, I try to exercise more discipline with myself (w/r/t negative fantasies that usually involve the worst case scenario) and tell myself that any dwelling in the negative place just makes no sense...I usually try to let my logical side beat my irrational side unless I'm feeling self-indulgent....if any of this makes sense.

Imagining the worst case scenario as a means of preparing for the possibility is a horrible way to go...I've done this since I was young and cannot seem to completely get rid of this very dangerous habit. My father cheated on my mother and she was publicly embarresses when it all came out....I promised myself to never be that unaware...only problem is that I'm hyper-aware to the point of walking myself through the situation should it ever occur. Very damaging to my relationships in that I can sometimes get so upset (over something that has never happened), that it spills over into "reality"....kind of like waking up from a bad dream and feeling as if it really might have happened. Of course, I know the difference and am aware of my "worst case scenario fantasies," but it affects my mood, regardless.

[hamster-bamster]

You are indeed being very logical in your writing.

There is a radical logical solution to your problem - commit to only deal with real problems in the order in which they arrive. In other words, if, at any point, your partner finds somebody else, you will then (but not now) deal with whatever feelings and issues will manifest themselves then.

But not earlier.

This is a great way because it is the most efficient - you will not waste time and mental energy dealing with non-existent problems. You will only deal with actual problems as (if) they arise, and if they do not arise, then you will have saved yourself a lot of mental anguish.

[lido78]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

You are indeed being very logical in your writing.

There is a radical logical solution to your problem - commit to only deal with real problems in the order in which they arrive. In other words, if, at any point, your partner finds somebody else, you will then (but not now) deal with whatever feelings and issues will manifest themselves then.

But not earlier.

This is a great way because it is the most efficient - you will not waste time and mental energy dealing with non-existent problems. You will only deal with actual problems as (if) they arise, and if they do not arise, then you will have saved yourself a lot of mental anguish.

This is such a great idea but it takes discipline and practice. In my career, I'm supposed to anticapate problems in advance to keep clients out of trouble. So, I've become a bit of a "red flag" seeker in my personal life as well. So hard to not let one spill over to the other, but this is something I would like to focus on trying to do more often. Thanks!

[Herdaughter]

That very succinctly represents my problems as you have listed....how's that for logical. You've hit the nail on the head really.

Originally Posted by lido78

You seem to be very aware of your issues and present them in a logical way...are you able to "reason" yourself out of your feelings of insecurity when they arise?

Much of the time, but not always depending on the situation. I do need to exercise more discipline as you say. There are certain situations where I really struggle.

Originally Posted by lido78

I have similar feelings from time to time and also realize, in my logical moments, that my feelings really aren't based on reality or even anything tangible (such as evidence of a cheating partner)...so, when panic sets in, I really can only talk myself down by presenting myself with the "facts." And, at the end of the analysis, the facts do not support my initial (albeit delusional) conclusion....sometimes I feel as if I'm two people...they panicky insecure one and then the more logical assured one.

Very much so. Sometimes the Dr. Spock side (my brother loves Star Trek and it seems applicable here) can’t get through the panic fast enough before its causing problems. I have to have time to ‘present the case’ as it were to prove to myself that based on the facts and evidence that I can stop from having an emotional episode. In the past I’ve told my fiancé that there may be times I’m upset that I just have to be left alone to work it through, but then he’s upset since he feels like ‘he’s done something wrong’. Sometimes it a no win proposition either way. I need time to reassure myself remembering the thoughtful things he’s done, specifically and recently, loving letters, etc. before I’ll believe that I can end my suspicions/fears. It seems that I can’t just take it on faith that his feelings haven’t changed any time a new situation arises, I have to keep reassuring and reassuring myself. Consciously writing this down makes it sound rather pitiful. Which I’m sure it is, logically anyway.

Originally Posted by lido78

I'm hyper-aware to the point of walking myself through the situation should it ever occur. Very damaging to my relationships in that I can sometimes get so upset (over something that has never happened), that it spills over into "reality"....kind of like waking up from a bad dream and feeling as if it really might have happened.

It is an awful way to live and ironically piles more punishment on top of previous pains. Hyper-aware is exactly what it is. Listening for changes in tone, what’s been exchanged, is his behavior altered at all…….how embarrassing. I really don’t know if these perceived changes are real, but part of my just can’t let go of the idea that they are. I react like the jealous girlfriend and part of the rub of that is that he’s already had a jealous girlfriend with whom he had a terrible relationship and she drove him crazy. It ended badly and he’s scarred from it. So my panicking or worse send him into an angry defensive mode and then we’re off…so to speak. I don’t consciously view myself as a jealous person, no more than anyone else I’d say, but I’m struggling with this one. After it happens I can’t imagine why it did.

[lido78]

Originally Posted by Herdaughter

That very succinctly represents my problems as you have listed....how's that for logical. You've hit the nail on the head really.

Much of the time, but not always depending on the situation. I do need to exercise more discipline as you say. There are certain situations where I really struggle.

Very much so. Sometimes the Dr. Spock side (my brother loves Star Trek and it seems applicable here) can’t get through the panic fast enough before its causing problems. I have to have time to ‘present the case’ as it were to prove to myself that based on the facts and evidence that I can stop from having an emotional episode. In the past I’ve told my fiancé that there may be times I’m upset that I just have to be left alone to work it through, but then he’s upset since he feels like ‘he’s done something wrong’. Sometimes it a no win proposition either way. I need time to reassure myself remembering the thoughtful things he’s done, specifically and recently, loving letters, etc. before I’ll believe that I can end my suspicions/fears. It seems that I can’t just take it on faith that his feelings haven’t changed any time a new situation arises, I have to keep reassuring and reassuring myself. Consciously writing this down makes it sound rather pitiful. Which I’m sure it is, logically anyway.

It is an awful way to live and ironically piles more punishment on top of previous pains. Hyper-aware is exactly what it is. Listening for changes in tone, what’s been exchanged, is his behavior altered at all…….how embarrassing. I really don’t know if these perceived changes are real, but part of my just can’t let go of the idea that they are. I react like the jealous girlfriend and part of the rub of that is that he’s already had a jealous girlfriend with whom he had a terrible relationship and she drove him crazy. It ended badly and he’s scarred from it. So my panicking or worse send him into an angry defensive mode and then we’re off…so to speak. I don’t consciously view myself as a jealous person, no more than anyone else I’d say, but I’m struggling with this one. After it happens I can’t imagine why it did.

Boy, this is like reading my relationship biography. Pretty much everything is the exact same. My boyfriend used to be very tolerant (he was aware of my family issues from the beginning), but he now gets defensive out of frustration...and yet, I cannot always stop myself (and his defensiveness only adds fuel to my fire). When these issues arise, I promise to keep it to myself until I have space to work through them and get my logical self to slap around my insecure self....However, I don't always have the self-control and then, we're off and running...usually culminating in a crazy fight over perception. He does not understand at all the way my mind works (he never doubts me or shows any jealousy even though his ex-wife cheated on him)...so, I'm sure he thinks I'm totally crazy at time....flipping back and forth so much, I sometimes feel crazy too. Ugh. It sucks, but has gotten better from when I was younger in other relationships...I try to give myself 24 hours before bringing up a particular issue with him...it's gotten so this works about 90% of the time...

[Herdaughter]

As far as biographies go they're not the most uplifting and don't make for very pleasant reading, unfortunately. At least I wouldn't think so unless you enjoy reading about women who have nothing to worry about worrying about something and irritating the men that love them by doing so. I wouldn't pick up that book anyways. I certainly don't like being in it!

Originally Posted by lido78

I promise to keep it to myself until I have space to work through them and get my logical self to slap around my insecure self....However, I don't always have the self-control and then, we're off and running...usually culminating in a crazy fight over perception

That about sums it up.

Originally Posted by lido78

He does not understand at all the way my mind works

That is certainly the case for us! He does think I’m crazy, does get defensive, and he’s completely befuddled as to why I think the way I do. He knows he’s done nothing wrong and gets angry. So messy.

Originally Posted by lido78

I try to give myself 24 hours before bringing up a particular issue with him...it's gotten so this works about 90% of the time.

I would really like to do that, but ironically in my case he’s become hyper-aware to my being hyper-aware and is on edge before he has to tell me something at times, so unless I am really good at hiding my feelings, which I am not, it’s very difficult to minimize this problem. I have to find a way of just not having these feelings at all.

Originally Posted by Herdaughter

if you have a 'delusional' jealousy that is damaging your self-esteem and hurting your relationship are there positive ways you've learned to cope/overcome it?

Personally thinking I think it's the other way around. I think that low self-esteem can be at the root of the feelings of jealousy and insecurity. Totally understandable with your background that when you let yourself love someone you worry that you are not their whole life, but of course as you already know that isn't healthy (or possible). I wonder what else you have going in your life? Are you happy elsewhere? Do you go out with friends and have a good time? Are you happy with work? (as happy as anyone can be working that is!).

Whenever I've got low self-esteem when other things go wrong in my life, or even that I do not feel like I am in control, I look at my partner for support, to be made to feel special, important because I look for him to fill the voids, to make me happy. All of the time. This is suffocating to him, and I understand that. Working on other area's of my life, sorting out any issues, making it richer (not money) has always, always had a better impact on my relationship. It's also much easier to believe that I am important to him when I have self-esteem.

Hugs to you, and I hope you find a way to cope soon. You clearly understand with your therapy, I just hope that you can find your own answers.

[TippPatt]

Originally Posted by Herdaughter

Anyway, this is a really long post for I guess what is a simple question. For others like myself who've been abused and abandoned if you have a 'delusional' jealousy that is damaging your self-esteem and hurting your relationship are there positive ways you've learned to cope/overcome it?

Easily answered: yes, abandonment issues quite often result in delusional jealousy, or that has been my experience. I too have the abandonment thing and also experienced the 'I'm just not so sure about this guy' jealousy when he got close to others. I was jealous of the women, jealous of the guy wanting to be with others, male, female, robot --- none of it made sense.

This is what I learned to do: Trust what the guy is saying. (Excuse me guys here) Men aren't really smart enough to make up and keep up a lie. Just ask them whatever about what you're frightened of and then accept what he says. If you ask 'are you interested in me' and he says 'no'. Guess what, he means no.

But, you're married, and that now doesn't apply. Tell your hubby you have this 'thing' and it's based on abandonment - he'll say he's not going anywhere - therefore, believe him. Tell him you might have to ask every few weeks for a while, then it might be every couple of months, and then every year or so - but when you feel it, you're going to ask. Just be sure to tell him he's not required to do anything but answer and not be upset because you feel you need to ask. It's not about him, it's about your abandonment issues. If he understands that, he won't mind.

Then do it when you need to. And believe what you hear.

Again - sorry guys out in guy world....