how to get back into contact with someone you haven't spoken to in a while

There's a guy that I liked and still like very much despite not having any contact with him in about a year. I want to know what the best way would be to get back in contact with him so I can hopefully tell him how I felt/how I feel, so I can move on.

Based on experience, I've realized that I don't know how to handle most situations in a socially acceptable manner and I'm considered to be creepy...but I don't want to come across that way.

I'm also too nervous to call him over the phone and I don't know where to find him to "accidentally" run into him (besides I'd be too nervous to say anything unless he said something first as I've tried this approach in the past just to see him, stop breathing, then run away).

To my knowledge, he doesn't even know that I liked him and he's shy so I don't want to come across strongly at all.

Should I not even bother? I've forgotten him before...maybe I can just get busy and never think about him again. Except that I don't think I can move on and ever really like someone again until I get completely over him.

Hi ~ Since you say that HE's shy too, I don't think it would be a bad idea to send him an e-mail and just talk to him. I DON'T think that I'd tell him how I feel immediately though.

Perhaps in the first e-mail you could just chat a bit, to get re-acquainted. Then you could get SOME idea as to how he felt, and if he might be open to a meeting.

Then you could e-mail him again and ask him to meet you for lunch or coffee, etc., where you could talk a little more. THEN perhaps you could tell him how you'd always liked him and see how he takes it. That will tell you whether or not you have to try to get over him, or if you two have a chance.

I hope it turns out well for you. I wish you ALL the best, my friend. Let us know how things go, okay? God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

You don't think e-mail would come across as too cold or anything?

Another couple of things, not only is he shy (well, we're both very shy) but I think he might be kind of afraid of me too...I can be intimidating. And there is a age difference, which otherwise wouldn't be such a big deal except that I met him when I was 23 (graduate student) and he was 18 or 19 (college freshman). So now, I have a Masters and he's a junior...I don't know if that would normally make a difference, but it may be more intimidating. While we were both in school, I was kind of like a mentor to him.

I wasn't planning to tell him immediately...I still don't know if I'll ever tell him. It always backfires when I do...and not just with a "I'm not interested" sort of response, but usually lying to me or harassing me and ending up being more hurtful than what the average person experiences. And because of the circumstances of how we met, telling him I like him will make him not be around me at all ever again unless he actually DOES like me. Which I don't know what the probability of that is, but it can't be that high.

And what if he's moved on? I couldn't handle that.

This is partially why I stayed away in the first place...so I could get over him and move on, so I wouldn't have to worry about any of this. But it's been a year, why do I even care that he exists? Why I can't like someone as much or more than him?

Why is it that everyone else gets to move on but I NEVER DO? I know there's probably not an actual answer to that question, but it really bothers me. It's not like I don't think they have the "right" to move on, of course they do. What bothers me is that more than one person can like them and yet neither they nor anyone else ever likes me?

I should just let this go and make myself get over him, because if I don't, I won't be able to move on from the fact that I messed up in the first place by not even hinting that I liked him. But I always get in trouble for expressing those sorts of feelings. He would have hated me and possibly never spoken to me again anyway.

So no matter what I do, I lose...so the better question would be, how do I get over him? I've figured out how not to have feelings for other people or at least to be able to neutralize them immediately so when I finally get over him, I'll be free.

Put your Feelings into lyrics and compose the music, thats what artist do. ( thats you )
This is your talent, a good way to vent how you feel, and lots of people can relate to similar feelings.
Smiles be Happie

I agree with Leed that a text or email would be the way to go.

As you don't seem to see him regularly I don't think it'll come across as cold. The very fact of sending it will tell him you're thinking about him and you're interested in him.

I'd personally just keep the first one short and vague and see how he replies. If he's interested, you'll know. You could then lead on to asking him out on a date if you wanted but that would open the door to the possibility of outright rejection so I'd perhaps only do that if he responds and shows some interest back. Shy people can be completely different in writing so you may see a different side of him.

I think also the key is to remember that asking someone out that you like and have known a while is a completely normal thing. And it's the only way to know as by the sounds of it he isn't going to approach you.

I guess the only downside is he may not reply at all so you'd have to factor that in as a possibility but it seems unlikely. More likely than that, he will reply and you'll get an idea how he feels.

E-mail would probably be the more viable option as I don't have a working phone at the moment.

But I have to ask the obvious questions...what should I say exactly? I'm so afraid of coming off as creepy. I don't think I understand how I'm supposed to approach these sorts of situations. Like what would make an appropriate subject? Does the message even need a subject?

Do I just ask him who he's doing in his program and mention I've graduated, but I still live in town? Or is that too forward? Do I attempt to make any explanations about why I hadn't contacted him in a about a year and now I'm contacting him out of the blue or just save that for later (or never)?

And I don't know how to handle rejection...so even the possibility makes this incredibly difficult. I guess the one good thing about this situation is it's easier to deal with rejection when you don't have to see the person on a regular basis...but still.

I've had experience of doing the email / text thing recently and have had the full range of responses.

I went to a summer school last year which due to my social anxiety was very difficult but at the end of the week, we got put into groups and I became friendly with 2 girls and a guy who I'd already become friendly with earlier in the week.

Anyway, I decided after that it would be nice to stay in touch. I sent an email to one of the girls there, just a friendly "hope we can stay in touch" type thing and got nothing back. That did hurt as we'd talked and walked together during the week and I thought had made a connection as friends but I just assumed she didn't feel the same way about me.

The guy I haven't emailed in a while but we've sent a few emails to one another. He lives a long way away and has a family so we don't have much in common but I know I can email him whenever I want and he'll email back so that's cool.

And the other girl, I emailed and she came straight back with a reply and we've now emailed on and off over the last year. I don't think she's interested romantically as could just tell from the tone of the replies. Although, I haven't asked her out or anything so could be wrong. But anyway, she just recently wrote to me after a few months to tell me some news and it felt good that she'd thought of me.

So I didn't make any close friends from that week but it did teach me that it's better to make the best of a situation rather than strive for something that isn't going to happen. I really do feel that even though I failed to make a close friend (which was what I was dreaming of) I managed to make the best of what happened so I have no real regrets. If I hadn't contacted any of those people I'd be wondering "what if?" which i know would hurt more.

Oh and just recently I casually asked a girl at work if she wanted to hang out. I did that in a very brief text. I was already friends with her and we talk at work daily but I didn't feel comfortable putting her in an awkward spot at work so asked her by text. She made it clear that it was a no on the romantic front but that it would be nice to hang out some time (I'm letting her take the lead on when as don't want to be pushy) we're still friends at work so I'm really glad I did it. I've felt very depressed since as I built my hopes up with her and thought something might happen but it has also cleared the air between us and although it's early days, may have strengthened our friendship.

Sorry for long reply but these are things I've been thinking about a lot lately and hope my examples help you. Make sure you do what's best for you.

A short sweet e-mail, that is more of a 'feeler'. Hey, how's it going? What's going on in life, this is what's going on in my life.

Then, hey, want to meet for coffee?

I'm so sorry to have to keep coming back to this thread. I really have no idea why this is so difficult. I'm almost brave enough to send an e-mail and I don't know what's missing exactly.

One thing just occurred to me as I was rereading this thread.

How can you tell? I honestly can't pick up on these things.

Again, how? How can you decipher tone from a written message? I really can't tell and I can see from all of your collective experience that I'm supposed to be able to tell and maybe that's why I'm so unsuccessful at connecting with someone to date.

And I'm afraid I've already messed it up enough that I can't do anything to salvage the situation. Most of the time he knew me, I was pretty unstable. I'm not like that now, but what if he's afraid of me?

And should I really mention something like going for coffee in the first e-mail? (if there is a first e-mail...) Just in case he IS afraid of me. I really can't tell how people feel unless they're obvious about it. Someone could just be acting polite and not like me and I would think that they liked me because they were being nice to me. I can't pick up on subtle social cues.

I say go for it, at the very least you may end up with a really great friend

I think that's true for most people, but I usually end up with a really great enemy. Besides, i can't immediately switch off feelings and become "just a friend" like other people apparently can. How can you be friends with someone you have feelings for? What if they start dating someone else? I mean, every time I like someone, they say that they have no desire for a relationship, yet a week later, they're already dating someone else. I'm tired of letting people do that to me. And no one understands that I need time to get over feelings so I can have a healthy friendship with someone and they get mad when I can't just switch off my feelings.

Alright, I get it! I'm not supposed to have feelings for anyone!

How do I just get over him and move on to NOT LIKING ANYONE EVER. That's what I want most out of my only available options: being alone and being angry because I'm extremely sexually repressed and STILL liking people, or being alone and over all of this!

Maybe I should ask how I can get over my values so I can just have random sex and finally relax?

I agree that it is really difficult to tell. I often misread people's intentions so usually now I'm really cautious. Sometimes I think people aren't interested when they possibly really are.

Just to give an example of what I meant though, you could maybe send a first email / text saying, "Hey its me, I know it's been a while but thought it would be nice to catch up". Catch up is quite a vague term, it could mean meeting, or just having a chat so you've given them the opportunity to expand on that if they want to without trying to pin them down to anything specific.

Maybe not those exact words but something like that. Then it's a case of waiting and seeing what happens. No reply at all probably means they're not interested and you can then move on (although it could mean they've changed their number or it's an old email address).

If they do reply and you're not sure of the tone / what they mean, you could always come back on here and ask advice. Or even PM someone if you didn't feel comfortable posting on an open forum.

If you really like him, I think it's worth taking the risk. Good luck whatever you decide to do.

I'm afraid to contact him because I can't deal with rejection—it'll cause me to start self-harming again, if not something worse. I just wish I could get rid of the feelings that I never should have had in the first place. I was never going to like anyone again, then I started to get to know him. But he switched majors, and at first we were going to stay in contact. And we did for a little while. Then I sent a text and he didn't respond and I was afraid to send a second one in case that was the wrong thing to do. He never talked to me again, so doesn't that mean he doesn't want to talk to me?

I can see what you're saying re: the fear of rejection and based on that I'd probably hesitate to open myself up to rejection too.

I've been there myself a few times and it's a horrible experience. There was a guy at work who I used to talk to - once he talked to me for over an hour about all sorts of stuff (he initiated the conversation, not me) and he seemed OK. When he left, I sent a friendly email to see about staying in touch as friends - he replied briefly to the first and then when I sent a second, nothing.

Don't let it make you give up on people - there are lots of different people out there and sometimes we just need to wait until the right one comes along. That's what I try to tell myself anyway.

The other problem (other than my reaction to rejection) is that the reason I like him is because I don't feel threatened by him and I don't feel like he would hurt me. But this is based on my false conclusion that a guy that is gentle in personality and isn't really muscular is someone who couldn't hurt me. But since it's physically possible, that conclusion is false. Nor is it apparently possible to be intimidating enough when I can't physically back it up (Because of some unknown condition, I have problems with my joints and my muscles are weakened).

I'm not sure if I'd be able to be happy with a guy anyway...as I don't know how not to be afraid of them unless they're afraid of me.

This all makes me sad...he was the only one that I got to protect from other people(he was teased a lot where it was crossing the line into bullying), and even I didn't think he would hurt me. And that's saying a lot for me.