Hookup Turned Weird, What Should I Do?

So I need some advice on relationships (again). I just got out of an abusive relationship (it's been about a month) and I recently met a new guy and we went on a date and I ended up sleeping with him. I don't regret that- it was fun and I feel like it was ultimately good for me. He is only in town for four months so he doesn't want a relationship and frankly neither do I. I still love my ex and I'm trying to get over him so I'm not ready to jump into a serious relationship again.
But then stuff got kind of weird. I like BDSM stuff and we got into that and it was good, we used safe words and signals and he was respectful of me. But afterwords I ended up telling him that I am currently battling anorexia and his response was to ask me to weigh myself every time we saw each other. I don't know if he thought this would be a sexy kind of humiliation BDSM thing or if he was trying to “cure” me of my anorexia by refusing to keep up our casual relationship if I didn't gain weight.
At the time I was drunk and it caught me off guard so I just said okay but that's really not okay with me. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he knows nothing about eating disorders and how triggering that would be for me. We had sex again that night and after he told me I should grow out my hair (I have a pixie cut right now and I love it) because I'd look sexy with more weight and long hair. He started talking about seeing me with boobs and a booty and I ended up telling him that it's not going to happen because I have a thyroid condition and a small frame and at my healthiest weight I've always been an A cup (another body issue I'm very sensitive about). His response was along the lines of “oh too bad”.
Then he starts talking about how he can't wait to see him “transform” me in his last four months in town. Now (two days later) I wake up to a text that says he can't wait to see me put on more weight so I'll have a sexy booty. I feel like ****. I don't understand why he would sleep with me if what he wanted was a curvy girl with long hair. I don't know if he thinks I like this because I'm submissive in bed (I know some people carry on BDSM relationships outside of the bedroom but that's not my thing) or if he thinks he's just encouraging me to not be anorexic.
I know I have to mention this to him in order for me to keep seeing him but I'm wondering if I should keep seeing him at all because this is sending up serious red flags. I feel like I'm being treated like an object. The thing is he's in my group of friends so I'm bound to run into him again so I can't just decide to ignore him. I'll have to address it at some point.
What should I do? Do you think he's just trying to be helpful/sexy or should I just cut things off and deal with some awkwardness around mutual friends? I'm in a very vulnerable position right now and I don't want to deal with any controlling or insensitive guys even if it's just a casual thing.

I think you should cut off the relationship. Plain and simple. He is crossing boundaries you don't feel comfortable with, he isn't accepting you for who you are "as is," and he's gone in a few months.

He wants a piece of meat. That's all he wants. He's using you for sex, and he knows that because you are submissive and vulnerable he can step all over you. He's the type of guy who gets off making you feel like **** because he's "dominant". He feels entitled to treat women like **** because of a title. RUN. Get rid of this guy fast before he hits you or sticks his fingers down your throat.

I think the issue is the circle of friends. Had he been off a dating site - anonymous, basically - then sure, cut off. As is, the situation calls for a little diplomacy.

Most people are uneducated about ED. Even some doctors are, in my experience. Also, a lot of people in general tend to be grandiose so if he is, his lack of knowledge combined with the grandiosity could have led him to believe that he is the God-send who will cure you.

So let us give him the benefit of the doubt.

You need to establish very firm rules of what is acceptable. The rules are:

1) you are awesome "as is" with no modifications and only deal with guys who accept and recognize that you are awesome "as is" with no modifications

2) if he thinks that there is something imperfect about you, see (1) above.

3) optional as it involves too much detail-the above are more high level:

a) you will weigh yourself whenever you see fit wherever
b) you will tell him how much you weigh only if you think it appropriate and he is not to ask
c) your hair style is strictly between you and your hairdresser; if you ever decide that you could somehow benefit from this guy's opinion on your hair style, you will then ask him for such an opinion; you do not need unsolicited feedback
d) three strikes law applies

No benefit of the doubt in my book. This guy is not being respectful toward you at all and, given your history of abusive relationships, you need to be with someone who respects you from day one. Your gut is telling you he is not good for you...trust your gut and end the relationship. Whether or not it is only for sex, the intent is to feel good...about yourself and who you are...don't let anyone cause you to doubt yourself. Getting out of an abusive relationship and fighting anorexia means you are stronger than you think.

Hey, listen to yourself is my advice.
And then wonder why so quickly you've let someone else who is controlling into your life. Perhaps some therapy may be of help? You've such self-awareness with your comment about not wanting someone controlling you again and that you're feeling vulnerable, so I really would listen to yourself and stop this relationship as it's making you feel bad.

Don't worry about the group of friends, feeling awkward for a few months is really a small price to pay if ending things will make you feel better. And as with everything, gossip, awkward feelings, they all tend to blow over fairly quickly.

Hugs.

Even though he may not be expecting a serious long term relationship with you, he is trying to extend the BDSM relationship outside of the bedroom, which, in his mind, WOULD make you an object, and one that belongs to him. It's common in BDSM relationships for the dominant partner to have complete control and that includes telling you what to eat. In his mind, he IS probably trying to keep you healthy. HOWEVER, 2 things. 1) He doesn't understand the implications of an ED and how his comments can have an impact on that. He probably thinks that telling you that you would look good if you gained some weight is a compliment and will help you feel more comfortable with eating more. 2) I would be very wary of someone who is taking on a dominant role in the relationship without your EXPRESS CONSENT...Unless a relationship like this is discussed, in detail, and both parties are comfortable with the terms, then it's not a true dom/submissive relationship. He should know this already, there are social standards in the BDSM community and his failure to follow them means you could be putting yourself in a situation with someone who could potentially be very dangerous, both to your mental well-being and your PHYSICAL well-being. I suspect that you know a lot about this already, but might just need a 3rd party to point it out. Good luck with everything.

Yeah it's like he just jumped into the master/slave thing with me without my express consent. Frankly even if I were into that (which I'm not, I like to keep it contained to the bedroom only) that would still be an issue. I guess I did know that already... I'm not interested in a BDSM relationship at all right now- it was just nice to find someone who wasn't looking for a serious relationship and was into the same stuff I am in bed. But he is moving way too fast without asking me what I want from this.
What should I say to him next time he texts/calls? I'm thinking of just telling him that I'm in a weird place right now and I'm sorry but I can't do it again till I'm over my ex. Then if I run into him again it wouldn't be that weird.

I am in therapy right now to help me deal with the pain of my abusive relationship as well as a few other things and this is definitely something I want to bring up with my therapist next time I see her. I'll be seeing her on Saturday.

I guess too if I think about it, him being gone in a few months makes any awkwardness pretty temporary. That makes me feel a little better.

Here's an update: he just texted me this morning and asked if I had anything but punk clothes (that's what I generally wear) and said he would like me to wear a sundress to dinner instead because that's what he prefers. I told him that there may have been a miscommunication and that I am only submissive in bed but don't like to be told how much I should weigh, how I should do my hair, or what I should wear. He just texted me back and said "it wasn't a demand, just a question." So yeah... I'm not going to be seeing him again. I did not sign up for this and no man tells me what to wear.

write him off as an imbecile for not seeing the difference between a question and a demand

Good on you! Am glad you decided for sure to stop seeing him. And keep with the punk clothes - I love em, wore em for years - I dumped one for moaning about them, and I dumped another, quite lovely fella who told me not to put on any weight. It's out of order to comment on your appearance like this, esp so soon. There will be someone out there who likes you just as you are, wouldn't want to change a thing about you and understands boundaries.

Hugs.

he's just trying to motivate you

The guy whom I am currently seeing, when he learned about my past ED (and I was not underweight when he learned about my past ED) said the following:

- You look just great right now, but since you had the ED in the past, I just want to mention that I noticed that you had no food in the fridge. I think with this kind of past it is a little alarming that you have no food in the fridge and hope that you will take better care of yourself to make sure that you always, always have food in the fridge.

What prompted that was his visit during which he brought take out food and then we were putting leftover takeout into the fridge and he must have noticed.

In reality it was due to my lack of housekeeping skills and a good schedule of chores (I run out of clean clothes for the same reason) and NOT an ED symptom.

But it was still nice to hear him talk this way.

I figured he was and just didn't understand how harmful that might be but then he started telling me to change my hair and my clothes just because he liked girls that looked that way better. That's when I decided not to keep seeing him. Misguided help is one thing and totally forgivable but telling me how I should look period because as he said "he prefers it" is something I can't do.

I think it's sweet that he would show concern in that way. I wouldn't mind if someone did that for me. The way this guy did it though just made me feel terrible, then he kept adding other things for me to change which had nothing to do with my well being.

I love my punk clothes and I can't see me wearing anything else (except at work but that's different)! Besides I could never date someone who was so shallow that they cared that much about what I wore. It'd be one thing if I asked him if he thought I'd look good in other clothes and he encouraged me or if we were going somewhere that punk clothes were not appropriate but that wasn't the case. I also can't change my body type period. I'm small even when I'm healthy and I'm not about to run out and get a boob job or anything.

you are absolutely right. No more comments. You just nailed it down perfectly. May you be as insightful always.

actually size does not determine health in any direction. Small and big people can be healthy and small and big people can be sick.

HAES - Health At Every Size - look it up on the web. It is an approach to health that is:

- realistic
- compassionate
- evidence-based

If you refuse to submit to him, or take his texts and calls with a grain of salt, ignore him sometimes, wait a few hours to call him back, etc., I suspect that that alone would be a big enough of a turn off to him to make him get the hint. That...and just flat out saying no. I don't think that's what men like him like to hear...

I just texted him and told him that I couldn't keep seeing him. I used not being over my ex as an excuse (which is true but I'm totally okay with the prospect of a casual relationship or friend with benefits so long as they treat me with respect!). He told me the dinner invite was still open but as friends. It occurred to me that the first time we hung out he only had one beer (we were at a bar) and I had two long islands and he was willing to keep buying me more (I declined when I noticed he wasn't drinking much). My thought is he might think that if he buys me another couple drinks at dinner I'll change my mind but that's not the case. So I turned dinner down.

excellent judgment and forethought

Good for you for ending your association with this creep. Please be careful with future hookups. It sounds as if you are vulnerable, and still recovering from your breakup. This is really not a good time to indulge in a sexual relationship. Better to let yourself heal and get some perspective on what you are doing re/casual sex.

I find this really weird behaviour on his part and think he should see a therapist himself. I think you, however, are doing just fine.