okcupid getting me depressed.

I got so excited when I first heard about okcupid. Such a legit site, I mean you browse girls (well for me) and then are able to message them. How can this not go right? Well, I suppose I just got my hopes up. Only about 5 percent of the time you get a response, and if even, that response usually goes nowhere. Although, finally out of sheer miracle, I get bites from three lovely ladies, all of whom seem interested in me. Like messaging back and forth and them telling me we should hang out. Like really, I was even at the point where I was upset about having to choose! I was sooo close. But then... I got dropped.
By this I mean, they just stopped showing interest, stopped replying, and just disappeared, as if we had never even met. Who knows what happened, maybe they found another guy, started to find me boring, or maybe just aren't at their computer that much. Yeah... probably not that last one though, because I see they are online all the time. And now things just seem hopeless. I really wanted this to be the summer I got to meet a cool girl, after a completely void college love life. With one girl who actually gave me her number, the text convos have just become cold and brief, and she has stopped talking about hanging out, the other girl just tells me she is busy, if I can even GET a response from her, and the other girl just flat out stopped replying to me. That last part really upsets me. I really was looking forward to meeting her. So I'm already sending desperate messages to her, asking if I can get her number, when she is free, and now I think I'm going to send a third message asking if we are still going to hang out. How do I even send her another message without seeming desperate?? I'm seriously pretty upset about this. :/

Sorry mate. She's not interested.

I have had a rough time with dating sites, even the free ones. It does make people seem desperate. And desperation gets people nowhere.

Yeah... agreeing with man above... this is not a good approach. It comes off as clingy, desperate, and a bit creepy.
Keep a thick skin and a cool head because you are very likely to get shot down more often than not. An awful lot of them are expecting (insert current media heartthrob here) until reality kicks in.
Meantime try to have a good time sans squeeze.

I rarely respond to posts, but relate so much to yours. Sorry to hear its going so badly for you. I've never had much luck with dating sites either, but have tried them several times over the past few years. Free or pay sites are all the same. They prey on people who are lonely and somewhat introverted like myself. It really sucks because it could be such a good thing. People are very often dishonest about themselves, their intentions, age, size, marital status... fill in the blank. Its almost like everyone is looking for the next better guy and the truth is no one wants to be runner up. No one deserves to be ru ner up. Often very high hopes were followed by couninuous disappointment. I would get discouraged and get off for a while vowing that I was done with it only to get bored or lonely and give it another try. I met several people over the years and am glad to say they became good friends, but I wasn't looking for friends. So what good did it do me?

I suppose the point to all this is just to say, you're not the only one. If you think it seems desperate, then it probably is. I wouldn't push them as it will only let you down even further. The truth is, if its the right person, you will never have to wonder about it. Things will fall into place. So hold your head up and don't give up. The way I began to look at it was every disappointment and day I hung in there brought me one day closer to finding the right one. Your time is coming. Good luck

No. No. No. No. No.

The only thing that you can say is that she is not overwhelmingly interested. That is all you can say.

I can tell you how it feels on the other side, being a woman on OKCUPID, and one without a clear plan on what to do with being on OKCUPID, having other concurrent relationships, parenting issues, work, plans to go to grad school, money troubles, being late with oil change, needing to take my car to a body shop because I damaged it by crashing its back (very lightly and when leaving the parking lot at home) it into a tree when I was leaving for a dr.'s appt with an unrelenting migraine pain that by then had lasted for over 48 hours, etc. etc.

So here is what it feels like being a woman on OKCUPID.

... there are too many messages to read and I have little time...

... I do not know how I should process the messages - FIFO (first-in-first-out)? LIFO (last-in-first-out)? Randomly? Whoever catches my eye?..

... I am not sure as to what I want to do with those people so I am tentative and not overly motivated...

...no, men who persist in sending me messages are not clingy and/or desperate; they are just persistent; if at any point I will have time to go back to the backlog in the inbox and read through the messages, I will first read through multiple messages from the same guy because it shows persistence, and, thus, motivation; since I am not terribly motivated on my end, a high level of motivation on the part of the guy might be just the missing secret ingredient for a tasty dish...

To sum up: do send messages from time to time, but use your language skills to phrase your messages in such a way as to avoid coming across as desperate. It is all within your power - written language is a very powerful tool with which you can influence how you will be perceived. Levity and a total lack of expectations of any kind would do that for you. I get messages from guys who just wish me a good day - I appreciate such an outpouring of good wishes and although I do not have any time for them now, I might eventually return to them later, and should the guys who have so much extra time that they can wish me a good day over and over again are still available, then we will take it from there.

In other words, the girls on the other side of the OKCUPID experienced are overwhelmed with male attention, and are likely also overwhelmed with the demands of their RL. Do not take it personally!

I am not expecting any media heartthrob (and do not consume media such as TV at all), am very open-minded, and welcome all sorts of personalities. I am just too busy. The girls who stopped replying to Rolan might be too busy as well. I am not saying that they are - I am just saying that lack of response says absolutely nothing about the level of interest except that her interest is not overwhelmingly strong at this juncture. It could be that a woman stopped responding because she intentionally stopped responding; it could also be that she still needs to find the time to respond to scores of other seekers.

The suggestion to still try to have a good time is terrific!

Dating sites are the silliest thing ever invented. Just don't do it.

Girls like cool guys just so you know. I mean guys who come off as calm and in control. It's not attractive to beg for attention. You just have to act like you don't desperately need them. Don't panic. It's okay if you don't get a girl right away.

Really, listen to Hamster-bamster. That is what it's like for girls on OKCUPID. I too was on there and that's how I met my current bf. We messaged, then texted, then phoned, then met. Before I suspended my profile, I was getting, on average, 3 messages a day. I used to respond to every single one because I didn't want to be a jerk, but it got to where, as Ham-bam was saying, I was going to grad school, working, dating this guy, dealing with my dog getting into trouble at doggy daycare (she is so tiny...like 3 pounds...but took on a boxer and made him bleed! So out of character for her..), and taking care of my grandfather who was ill. Just because a woman doesn't respond or does for a while then stops, you can't assume it's you. If you really want to know, ask her, but don't expect a response.

Yep. This sounds like OKCupid alright. Go through the trouble to write thoughtful messages and never get replies. Actually during the time I was using it, I got 2 responses, total. One was a woman who was very nice but wrote back to say she had moved out of the country but wrote a long detailed reply anyway. The other was a woman who had a chip on her shoulder and wanted to have some argument over OKCupid messaging for some reason...

Needless to say, I never had luck on that site.

I have had luck on another online dating site in the past. mainly because it had instant chat and I could go in and just say hello to a woman who happened to be online and just start chatting right at that moment. OKCupid needs that. It greatly increases the chances of meeting someone.

But there is one rule I developed for online dating that will serve you well: If she does not want to meet for an actual date within one week, just stop wasting your time. There are a lot of people on there who are just playing the site as a game. Dating, forming a real connection with someone, takes being in the same room with them. If she is not interested in actually meeting up with you as soon as possible, she's really not serious. Move on to someone else and don't waste your time.

Oh boy... dating websites. Those things induced anxiety in me like nothing else. I agree with most of the advice above.

I used Match several years ago and Hamster is really accurate in her description of what it's like for a woman on the sites. That said, High Treason is also correct... some people are just using the site as a game, or temporary ego boost, or any myriad reasons not really related to dating at all. Case in point: if I had a hundred bucks for every guy who turned out to be married or attached in some way from that site way back when I was using it, I'd be a rich rich woman. Truthfully, internet dating sites in this era are rife with people who don't genuinely want to make a serious connection with anyone.

That said, try not to get your hopes up, but don't be glum about it either. Keep it light and casual. I'd put it to a two message rule. No replies after two messages means they are either too busy to honestly date or simply not really looking to date.

Chin up... there's someone out there for you. She just might not be on okcupid.

Thank you all for the wonderful an insightful replies! It's comforting to know I'm not the only one who has experienced these troubles. It's just that in college I am just so socially awkward sometimes. I have trouble approaching women, feel I'm not good enough, and stutter when I get nervous. I just can't let go and have a normal love life. I have never even had a girlfriend and I am almost 21. I'm not even in a hurry to lose my virginity, I just sincerely wanted to meet a girl this summer, if even we just remained friends. I think I might just send this girl one final message, and just be as sincere as I can. I'll just say hey so do you still want to hang out? I'm only here for a few more weeks and was looking forward to meeting you! my number is.... and just leave her with that. if she wants to text me that can be up to her, but at least I'll have some closure. And wow! I love hearing from the ladies here and all about their okcupid experiences. I always suspected it would be like that, women getting bombarded with messages from men, but now I really believe it. I'm just curious like what stands out in messages from guys? Which ones do you reply to and which ones do you just ignore? I think I'm just gonna take it easy from now on with this site, and not check it compulsively like I have been. The key is to not get my hopes up. It's just so freakin' frustrating, having to come off as not clingy, when in reality you want them very much. It's the frustrating idea of appearing cool and care free, when in reality you are very nervous about their next response and if you will ever meet them at all.

One of my girlfriends stutters from time to time.

She has a great medical practice, a great part-time position teaching medicine, a great ex H (my current partner) with whom she co-parents their two kids in a flawlessly collaborative and friendly way, a great boyfriend with whom she lives and has her third child, a lot of great friends (hopefully I count as such ) etc. etc.

It is not a showstopper.

It can even be endearing because it reflects your being genuine and unpretentious. And those are great attributes. A guy whose speech is polished and free-flowing might appear to be more attractive than a guy who stutters until one starts paying attention to the content of the speech, and if the content is... trite and uninteresting, then no polish would ever save the day. Not every girl would think this way, but some would.

So, fear not. Have a good summer, whatever happens.

I couldn't agree more. I'm a woman and I've been on okcupid in the past, and I can tell you that if she does not want to meet up with you fairly quickly, then she never will.

While I may be in the minority here, I can say that, for myself, if I stop responding to someone on okcupid, it DOES mean that I am NOT interested and never will be. And, if I get repeat messages from the same person, it definitely creeps me out and makes me avoid them. It sends me the signal that they are desperate, and that's just not attractive. It makes me think "I'm busy, I have a life, I'm getting more messages than I can possibly respond to-- why does this person have so much time to message me again and again? Do they not have a job, hobbies, friends, other dates, etc. that keep them busy?"

I think you might have the most success if you focused on the quality of your first e-mails to the women you find appealing. Talk about your job, hobbies, friends, social activities etc. that demonstrate that you do have things going on. And, then, in subsequent e-mails, say things like "hey, I just got back from doing X, and I thought I'd just send you a message to see how it's going. What have you been up to? I got X and Y going on this week, but I'd love to make time to meet up with you; you sound like a lot of fun." Clearly, you can polish that up and fill in the blanks-- I'm just trying to suggest that you make yourself sound like you have things going on in your life so you avoid coming across as desperate. Asking someone "hey, do you still want to hang out?" makes you sound desperate and probably will not get you what you want. In that kind of a message, you haven't told her anything new/interesting about yourself, nor have you given her any reason to WANT to meet up with you. You've simply told her that you're really keen on meeting her-- just like all the other people messaging her. If you want to stand out and be the one she picks for a date, you have to give her a reason.

yeah all good advice. I realize that she might not be interested in me anymore, and that coming off as desperate is bad, but it just doesn't make sense!! How did things go wrong so fast?? How can she not be interested in me know if she was into me and asking me to hang out just a couple days ago?? I don't get it!! And yeah, I'd like to think that being stuttery and socially awkward makes me cute, but with me it usually just makes girls want to move on to the next guy.

That doesn't necessarily mean they're not serious or aren't capable of being serious. What about girls who aren't comfortable meeting someone immediately because they don't know them well enough to feel whether they can trust meeting them in person yet. Someone suggesting we meet within the first conversation will scare me away and I'll only reply to be polite. I agree that dating does require being in the same room eventually. But why does it have to be immediately? I would never be interested in meeting someone immediately, no matter how attracted I was to them. And I really don't think I'm the only one like that.

And not every girl gets a million messages...I've gotten like 3 total on the new account (and that was with a really good picture). They may be busy, not interested, or intimidated. If you've already sent more than one message, I think you should wait. If she responds, then go from there.

People suck in general. No one can ever just be open, honest and real. Goes for dating sites, of meeting people in general.

There are so many possible reasons. When I'm messaging with someone I have met on a dating site, there are all kinds of things I look for in those first few messages-- correct grammar, a sense of humor, shared interests/hobbies, education level, solid job, not religious, not a "partyer," likes and wants children, a sense of honesty and good values-- and so much more. I'm also seeing if someone can hold my interest by coming up with witty or sarcastic things to say, or funny stories to tell. There are also things that might instantly turn me off that I couldn't anticipate (i.e. doesn't like to read, thinks politics is "stupid," writes "lol" too much, badmounths their ex or other people in general, etc). Everyone has their own pet peeves, deal breakers, likes and dislikes.

It also could be that the girl was talking to four different guys about hanging out, she went a date with one of those guys, and really liked him-- therefore, she no longer is interested in meeting you (or the other guys she was talking to). Or, alternatively, she could have gone on 4 bad dates with 4 different guys and just needs a break from dating, period, right now.

Who knows? It happens ALL the time! People on online dating sites are notoriously flakey-- you can have a date at 7pm with the person and, at 6pm, they might change their mind. Until you have that first date-- and it goes well for BOTH of you-- you just can't put too much into the other person. People's commitment level in their RL just doesn't come through via online dating-- she may be totally reliable at work and with her friends, but on okcupid? Just don't expect much until you've met in person at least a couple of times and you know you're on the same page.

I tried match and a couple other single parents sites. It lasted a whole week.

I agree with Hamster, High Treason and Scorpio.

I just decided, I don't have time for this. I was not thrilled with the simplistic messages. A couple wanted to meet, OK, where/when, then silence. One guy got insecure, within two messages. One guy, when I asked if he was a Taoist, by virtue of his profile, 'You are the first person to ever pick up on that.' then followed by, "I love the Tao of Pooh" Oh and same guy, because he's from a town in Maine, that I know, I asked him how he liked it there...*chirp, chirp**silence is deafening*.

Yeah, that, a few other things. And honest to goodness. I am enjoying not being tied down to the computer, trying to reply, to Hi, How was you day, mine was fine, I am *blah, blah, blah* this week, how about you?

I need a little more mental stimulation. That's all.

Hang in there, these internet sites, really seem to drain the life out of those who just want to go out for dinner, movies, sports games and the like, don't they?!

I totally agree with High Treason that one should meet immediately, in theory. In theory, I would want to meet everybody immediately, unless they are severely and hopelessly uninteresting (I find that most people on the dating sites are at least to some extent interesting).

The desire to meet everybody immediately, in theory, is not motivated by interest. It is motivated by the general understanding I have developed to date in regards to how we get information about other people. The sources of information about other people are the sound of their voice, looks, mannerisms, quirks, the way they smile, their insecurities, wisdom, how animated versus subdued they are, and the rest of the delightful mess that makes humans so endearing and charming even when bizarre. Most of those sources of information do not get transferred over chat, which makes a strong case for meeting everybody remotely interesting immediately, and to avoid wasting time. That, in theory. In practice, there is no time. So it is all an issue of time. If it were not the issue of time, I would meet all those scores and scores of people immediately, because most of them do appear at least remotely interesting to me, so I would see no point in discriminating against any man by not meeting him immediately. But there are just so many of them that I find it hard to decide whom to meet, and as I try to come back to this issue, from time to time (in my mind), I realize that any sort of approach I take towards filtering the list down would amount to my being arbitrary, and since I do not want to be arbitrary, I have decided to stop responding to select messages until I either have enough time to go through them all, or, come up with a filtering mechanism that is not arbitrary. The reason I wrote about persistence is this:

- I was thinking of, say, waiting for a few more months, and then trying to see if I can download the OKCupid inbox into a comma separated file, dump it into either excel or google drive spreadsheets, assign the persistence score inside the spreadsheet (most messages from the same sender=highest persistence score), and sort the spreadsheet by/on the persistence score in the descending order, from highest to lowest. Then, I would start messaging from the top, from people with highest persistence score and down the list. To me, this approach is valid because it is not arbitrary, and my main problem with OKC is that I am trying to find an approach that is not arbitrary. To me, the persistence score makes sense because persistence may be a proxy for motivation. Apparently, for some other women and men, persistence is not a proxy for motivation, but is a reflection of desperation. On this we will agree to disagree.

I still have to find out if OKCupid offers the capability to export the inbox into a comma separated file which would be the preferred file format for me to deal with OKCupid, since I like the ability to slice and dice data, in general.

I am SO with you. Very few things peeve me more than the abuse of text speak, and LOL is ... well, no comment... you and I do see certain things similarly...

But one instance of LOL per message is OK. It is the preponderance of evidence of LOL abuse that is so deeply depressing.

How Busy is this OKCupid?! That's one, I didn't try.

I wouldn't want to meet, everyone that wrote, but um, there are ways to sort through the words, aren't there?

Hampster, are you really going to wait a few months, and try out this 'persistence' table? I am just curious to see if that would work, but if you waited a few months, would it stand to reason that a man would decide, what took you so long, forget about it?

How about a weekly, twice weekly filter? I am just curious how you'd make this work.

Yeah, meeting sooner than later, would be the ideal, as that is the point of a 'dating' site, to meet in person and 'date'. And then, figure out, if this person is someone you'd like to date again or not.

So, this one is free. Hmmmmm..... let's see what I come up with....

Absolutely, but you need to spend time reading to appreciate the depth of meaning in each individual message. I was hoping that sorting by the numerical persistence score would save me time over this labor-intensive approach that involves reading individual messages.

I can tell you what I am looking for, by way of an analogy.

So when I was in grad school, I was a TA (teaching assistant) for a number of classes.

When I was a TA for graduate probability and statistics, I spent sleepness nights reading and grading lengthy homework assignments, midterm, and final exams.

When I was a TA for undergraduate classes, I took the midterms and finals to the office on campus that had a scantron - I am not sure if this term still exists - and there, the computer graded them without my assistance.

The graduate classes were smaller, and yet I spent sleepness nights on them.

The undergraduate classes were huge, and yet I spent little time, being efficient, because of the structured approach to grading that completely eliminated the need for manual work.

OKC is like undergraduate classes in that the influx is huge, so I want to find a way to avoid reading unstructured text messages (which often consist of poorly phrased sentences with stylistic lapses anyway...) and find a scalable, automatable, efficient, hands-free approach similar to scantron grading of midterms and finals.

Unstructured text messages, is a huge reason for leaving those other sites behind.

OK...just how many quiz questions are there?! I am going numb 75 questions answered, 66 public, so far...

But I have 20 views and 3 messages waiting, so far

It was easy enough to set up. I already kept in a doc file, my profile info from the other sites and was easy to copy and paste. And then, there was more to add here, which I find easy enough to write.

Out of the 3 replies. One was an administrative welcome message.

Then..."hey, beautiful!!" (Hi Honey, Want me to Hold your hand-CatWoman)

And then, oh yeah....if you tossed a kitten out of a moving vehicle, would you call it kitty litter?!!?

OMG!!! These sites.....honest!! OMG!!!

And the OP was wondering why this site is depressing!?!?! Hmpphhhhh...

Good stats!

There are hundreds of questions.