[nicolerose]

i get really depressed and insecure when i see a girl that reminds me of a girlfriend or fiance of some guy that ive had strong feelings for.

for example, there was this guy that i had a lot of feelings for, his girlfriend was brunette and looked a certain way (straight, dark brown hair), and whenever i would see a girl that looks like that, it bothers me, even though its another girl. i guess because i keep seeing other people that look like that, but i dont look like that.

and another guy, his girlfriend is blonde and very pretty.
now, every time i see a blonde girl that is very pretty that resembles her, which happens a lot, it deeply bothers me.
even when they are celebrities. it just makes me feel very depressed, because they all remind me of the guy that i cannot have, who does not want me. because he is attracted to someone like that, and i could never compete with that. and of course he is attracted to someone like that, so beautiful, who wouldnt be? its not like someone would actually be attracted to me and not someone like her, i think if someone werent attracted to her but were attracted to me then there would be something wrong with him. i know that these thoughts are not good things to think of, and but i cant get these kinds of thoughts out of my head. these thoughts are really painful, but i cant help it. so every time i see a blonde girl who is cute now, sometimes i just get frozen and a lot of memories come back and it makes me feel very low.

for example today i was reading an online magazine that wrote something about bradley cooper's girlfriend suki waterhouse. she is blonde, and reminded me of the girl that the guy that i want is dating. actually many girlfriends that i read about.. are models and remind me of this girl. and this girl is not even a model.. she is just naturally very pretty. and if the guy that i like, wants somebody like that why would he ever like me?
and its not only celebrities that remind me of them. people every day. this summer, i see other girls walking around. sometimes i see a girl with blonde hair and dark eyebrows (like the girl) and sometimes it makes me stop and think about this. i try to do it without staring. the other day i saw a girl like that, i was entering a building and she walked past me, and instead of going into the building i pretended that i got a phone call and i turned around to see if it looked like her. i dont even know why i do that, that i want to see how much they look alike.

i feel "traumatized" actually by the image of the girl, and whenever i see someone that looks like them or reminds me of them it makes me feel very depressed and insecure about myself.

i dont know how to deal with these kinds of thoughts.

[rise__above]

I have this same problem

It's a fact of life that there will always be people with qualities we consider better than our own. We also have to remind ourselves that magazines and movies etc are not usually realistic representations of the female form. Think of the money involved in having stylists, make up artists, cosmetic surgeons, chefs, personal trainers, professional photographers etc It's no wonder celebrities and models look so good! What does concern me though is your feelings extend to everyday people - to the point where they are interrupting your routine. I would definitely seek professional help whether it be in the form of counselling or therapy. I don't know how old you but it's natural to be more fixated on appearance when you're a certain age but it can of course carry on into adulthood and sometimes to a higher degree (this is especially when therapy is recommended).

I think you need to have some positive role models - women who may not be considered conventionally beautiful yet are still at the top of their game professionally. Charlotte Gainsbourg, Tilda Swinton, Sofia Coppola - all these women aren't 'cookie cutter' beautiful yet they ooze magnetism. I think beauty has to transcend beyond appearance for it to actually mean something. The women i mentioned are only a handful of smart, successful women who have jobs that they love and are adored the world over. All whilst also having a unique look. There is no such thing as a plain woman and i would rather see a woman accentuating her best points then watch her try and become something she isn't.

A very sad case in point which proves what can happen when our obsession for perfection can go too far. I hope you find it a valuable and interesting read: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/0...n_1445281.html

Please remember that whilst you may not feel comfortable with who you are now, time is a wonderful thing in helping us accept all of what we are. For example you might not like your nose or your chin or the shape of your legs etc but there WILL be someone out there who finds those things cute, quirky, very 'you.' Statistically it is extremely unlikely that you will never find someone but i think if you work on becoming more comfortable in yourself you'll certainly up those chances. All the best.

[nicolerose]

Originally Posted by Spockette

It's a fact of life that there will always be people with qualities we consider better than our own. We also have to remind ourselves that magazines and movies etc are not usually realistic representations of the female form. Think of the money involved in having stylists, make up artists, cosmetic surgeons, chefs, personal trainers, professional photographers etc It's no wonder celebrities and models look so good! What does concern me though is your feelings extend to everyday people - to the point where they are interrupting your routine. I would definitely seek professional help whether it be in the form of counselling or therapy. I don't know how old you but it's natural to be more fixated on appearance when you're a certain age but it can of course carry on into adulthood and sometimes to a higher degree (this is especially when therapy is recommended).

I think you need to have some positive role models - women who may not be considered conventionally beautiful yet are still at the top of their game professionally. Charlotte Gainsbourg, Tilda Swinton, Sofia Coppola - all these women aren't 'cookie cutter' beautiful yet they ooze magnetism. I think beauty has to transcend beyond appearance for it to actually mean something. The women i mentioned are only a handful of smart, successful women who have jobs that they love and are adored the world over. All whilst also having a unique look. There is no such thing as a plain woman and i would rather see a woman accentuating her best points then watch her try and become something she isn't.

A very sad case in point which proves what can happen when our obsession for perfection can go too far. I hope you find it a valuable and interesting read: Valeria Lukyanova Is A Real-Life Barbie Doll (VIDEOS)

Please remember that whilst you may not feel comfortable with who you are now, time is a wonderful thing in helping us accept all of what we are. For example you might not like your nose or your chin or the shape of your legs etc but there WILL be someone out there who finds those things cute, quirky, very 'you.' Statistically it is extremely unlikely that you will never find someone but i think if you work on becoming more comfortable in yourself you'll certainly up those chances. All the best.

i see a lot of girls in every day life that reminds me of the girlfriends of the guys that i "love", for example, a girl with dark straight hair, or a blonde girl with dark eyebrows, which fits with a lot of people (not most people.. but still maybe i see someone like this once every day or every other day that really remind me about the girl). there are a lot of girls that are naturally beautiful, that remind me of the girl (who is also naturally beautiful), and i am not and it makes me very depressed.

im in my late 20's

i know about that girl that you linked to.


even if someone finds a feature about me cute or quirky, i am bothered, because he will find the other girl more attractive to me. i think that its impossible that someone will actually find me attractive but not the other girl, and i think if someone thought that, that there would be something wrong with him, and i dont even know if i would like someone who does NOT find the other blonde girl attractive because i will think that there is something wrong with him

[rise__above]

Originally Posted by nicolerose

i see a lot of girls in every day life that reminds me of the girlfriends of the guys that i "love", for example, a girl with dark straight hair, or a blonde girl with dark eyebrows, which fits with a lot of people (not most people.. but still maybe i see someone like this once every day or every other day that really remind me about the girl). there are a lot of girls that are naturally beautiful, that remind me of the girl (who is also naturally beautiful), and i am not and it makes me very depressed.

im in my late 20's

i know about that girl that you linked to.


even if someone finds a feature about me cute or quirky, i am bothered, because he will find the other girl more attractive to me. i think that its impossible that someone will actually find me attractive but not the other girl, and i think if someone thought that, that there would be something wrong with him, and i dont even know if i would like someone who does NOT find the other blonde girl attractive because i will think that there is something wrong with him

It seems like, for some reason, you subconsciously want to feel like everyone is prettier than you. I would do some introspection, because you seem like you're really reluctant to ever admit that you're also pretty.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by nicolerose

i see a lot of girls in every day life that reminds me of the girlfriends of the guys that i "love", for example, a girl with dark straight hair, or a blonde girl with dark eyebrows, which fits with a lot of people (not most people.. but still maybe i see someone like this once every day or every other day that really remind me about the girl). there are a lot of girls that are naturally beautiful, that remind me of the girl (who is also naturally beautiful), and i am not and it makes me very depressed.

im in my late 20's

i know about that girl that you linked to.


even if someone finds a feature about me cute or quirky, i am bothered, because he will find the other girl more attractive to me. i think that its impossible that someone will actually find me attractive but not the other girl, and i think if someone thought that, that there would be something wrong with him, and i dont even know if i would like someone who does NOT find the other blonde girl attractive because i will think that there is something wrong with him

Your issue is real and you do not appear to be a victim of mass media. When you describe the blonde girls who are naturally pretty, I think you are indeed picking up on signs of genuine attractiveness. You can be a true blonde beauty without being a barbie doll - my bff used to be a true blonde beauty with natural dirty blonde hair - you know how naturally blonde hair is characterized by the fact that each hair is of a slightly different shade of blonde, which makes it so wonderful. So it seems to be that the girls you are talking about are not superficial but are genuinely pretty, and you acknowledge that. That said, the combination of blonde hair and dark eyebrows, while being classy, is rare (partially it is so classy precisely because it rarely occurs in nature). So there might be some make-up going on there.

I think your next step should be recognizing that a man can find both you and the blonde girl with dark eye brows attractive. Without ranking you guys are more and less attractive. Just find both attractive. Can you live with that or do you have to be the better one?

Originally Posted by nicolerose

i see a lot of girls in every day life that reminds me of the girlfriends of the guys that i "love", for example, a girl with dark straight hair, or a blonde girl with dark eyebrows, which fits with a lot of people (not most people.. but still maybe i see someone like this once every day or every other day that really remind me about the girl). there are a lot of girls that are naturally beautiful, that remind me of the girl (who is also naturally beautiful), and i am not and it makes me very depressed.

im in my late 20's

i know about that girl that you linked to.


even if someone finds a feature about me cute or quirky, i am bothered, because he will find the other girl more attractive to me. i think that its impossible that someone will actually find me attractive but not the other girl, and i think if someone thought that, that there would be something wrong with him, and i dont even know if i would like someone who does NOT find the other blonde girl attractive because i will think that there is something wrong with him

My point was that we are all naturally beautiful because we all have points about ourselves that are attractive - some more physically, others intellectually but most being a mixture of both. But what you need to remember is if that someone is in LOVE with you, then they will love only YOU - yes, other girls might appear attractive, some even more so than yourself but that's not an indication that your significant other will run off and demand their attentions instead. I think there's a difference between admiring and being attracted to someone. It's a fact of life that people in couples can admire other's for their looks without necessarily being attracted to them. This doesn't diminish their feelings for you or make them wish that you were different.

I'm 22 and i relate A LOT to how pressured you're probably feeling to look and act a certain way. The boundaries for what is normal have become so broad that the parameters for what is acceptable have contracted. I think some sort of therapeutic environment would better help you cope with these feelings - you may have abandonment issues, BDD type tendencies who knows. We're not professionals here so we can't give you those answers but i would encourage you to keep posting and hopefully you'll find some support in the community here. All the best.

[rise__above]

I think it's horrifying thinking about my partner being attracted to other people. Everyone tells me that it's human, and that it doesn't mean they love me less...but it hurts me. I want to be the only one.

I have even suppressed my desire for others so that I can say: Why are you attracted to people besides me? I'm not attracted to anyone but you!

I feel like I'm threatened if I'm not the only one my partner finds attractive.

[nicolerose]

Originally Posted by rise__above

I think it's horrifying thinking about my partner being attracted to other people. Everyone tells me that it's human, and that it doesn't mean they love me less...but it hurts me. I want to be the only one.

I have even suppressed my desire for others so that I can say: Why are you attracted to people besides me? I'm not attracted to anyone but you!

I feel like I'm threatened if I'm not the only one my partner finds attractive.

id feel this way too
maybe not threatened but just depressed, hurt

i try to tell myself that its normal for people to be attracted to others but that doesnt really help
and i think there would be something wrong if the guy were attracted to me but not a prettier girl, but i cant deal with it.

[hamster-bamster]

List the factors that make you attracted to guys.

[mojo321]

I am so sad about how the world has placed so much importance on looks.

I love the Nerd t-shirts. I have an idea for one: "Nerd is the real normal. Are you Normal?"

Notice, that statement has nothing to do with looks. To me, nerd is how genuine you are, and how receptive you are to others that are genuine themselves. Putting on a fake front so you can fit in with "cool" is NOT genuine. Stop lusting over those people just because you think they are good looking. You are lusting not only for the boy, but if only you could have the looks of the girl!

You need a big ol' dose of self esteem. That is something that any number of men that are genuine would be thrilled to give you, if only you would be willing to give them the attention that you give to your "dream boy".

Me, I don't lust after women that look a certain way. I lust after women that treat their husbands a certain way. I see it in their eyes. I see in in their body language. I wish my wife had that for me. She is beautiful in my eyes. But not to most. So she settled for me I guess. That isn't good on my self esteem. I treat her like a supermodel. But she doesn't want it from me. She wants to be wanted by someone better than me. I am genuine in my love for her. I am confident in life, but not cocky, and not oppressive.

None of it matters though, because I am not a trophy on her arm at Church on Sunday.

My advice is, find love. And then shun the world when it tries to weaken your love for him with jealousy and envy of others.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by mojo321

Me, I don't lust after women that look a certain way. I lust after women that treat their husbands a certain way. I see it in their eyes. I see in in their body language. I wish my wife had that for me. She is beautiful in my eyes. But not to most. So she settled for me I guess. That isn't good on my self esteem. I treat her like a supermodel. But she doesn't want it from me. She wants to be wanted by someone better than me. I am genuine in my love for her. I am confident in life, but not cocky, and not oppressive.

None of it matters though, because I am not a trophy on her arm at Church on Sunday.

My advice is, find love. And then shun the world when it tries to weaken your love for him with jealousy and envy of others.

I think with this kind of a wonderful attitude, you deserve a much better wife. You are basically wasting your gifts on someone who is incapable of receiving them.

[mojo321]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

I think with this kind of a wonderful attitude, you deserve a much better wife. You are basically wasting your gifts on someone who is incapable of receiving them.

Thanks Hamster. Although, as is usually the case, my comments are skewed for the bad times, as we had a bad week last week. The weekend was good. She tends to have "aha" moments where I will come home from work and she realizes how she's been treating me, and then overcompensates for several days. I just had a great weekend. Felt good to have that love come back to me.

I only hope it lasts longer this time!

I have sometimes wondered if she is borderline. She isn't bi-polar, I don't think. Maybe a little narcissistic?

So after a great weekend, I am embarrassed by how I characterized our relationship. How odd. (how's that mix of smileys?) HAHA

[Perna]

It sounds like you are playing an ugly game with yourself, making sure you can never find and date anyone who might be attracted to you because you are sure you are not like people already attached to unavailable dates you are attracted to.