[Kalavara]

My friend says he is but Mum says it's just how he's used to acting so I shouldn't let it bother me, but it does.
I need some help on what to believe.
When he's in a bad mood he shouts at me and throws things in my general direction (doesn't mean to hit me though, I don't think so I just joke about it cause that's what Mum does) he also yells at me and calls me: pathetic, a joke, a disgrace, stupid, a ****** and a couple of times a d*ck, but I think he was just tired. I don't think it's too bad but my friend says it is.
When he's in a good mood he's fun though.
We have a kinda strained relationship, I can't even remember the last time he hugged me.
Also, when he found out I was doing self-harm he yelled at me for making Mum worry ( although Mum shouted too about the family's reputation and about how I was stupid to do 'such a stupid thing' so shouting at me for that can't be too bad) and whenever my wee sister does anything it's always my fault even when I'm not there and I get yelled at for that.
I need advice on what to do/think.
Please help.
Sorry for wasting your time,
KV

[mazing]

You are definitely not wasting anyones time KV - this is what the forum is for. Emotional abuse can be extremely difficult to define as the definitions and agreement around what it is is still very blurry. One of the best definitions I have found is this one. Psych central also has a good list of questions you might want to ask yourself here. The best thing I can suggest is to have a look and see if any of that is relevant to you personally as no-one knows your story better than you.

Ultimately though, the most important thing is how it impacts on you and from what you have said it seems to be having a pretty negative impact. I would really suggest talking to someone if you can about what is happening and the impact it is having on you. Emotional abuse is often not seen as important but it can have strong and lasting impacts on a persons health if not addressed.

[tinyrabbit]

You're not wasting anyone's time. I'm sorry your mum isn't being more supportive. Mine was similar - she said things like: "Oh, you know what he's like," or "Just let it wash over you."

You say you need some help on what to believe. Here's what I think. I think it's not right for a parent to shout at you and throw things at you. I think hitting isn't the only way to hurt your child (physically or emotionally) and I think the things he says to you are abusive and horrible. So what if he's tired? That doesn't give him the right to do or say whatever he pleases.

I think your friend is right. I also think it's hard for you to analyse the situation fully as you have to live in it, so you can simultaneously be upset by his behaviour and rationalise it in order to cope with being around him.

I'm really sorry your family are behaving like this. I promise you it's not your fault.

Originally Posted by Kalavara

My friend says he is but Mum says it's just how he's used to acting so I shouldn't let it bother me, but it does.
I need some help on what to believe.
When he's in a bad mood he shouts at me and throws things in my general direction (doesn't mean to hit me though, I don't think so I just joke about it cause that's what Mum does) he also yells at me and calls me: pathetic, a joke, a disgrace, stupid, a ****** and a couple of times a d*ck, but I think he was just tired. I don't think it's too bad but my friend says it is.
When he's in a good mood he's fun though.
We have a kinda strained relationship, I can't even remember the last time he hugged me.
Also, when he found out I was doing self-harm he yelled at me for making Mum worry ( although Mum shouted too about the family's reputation and about how I was stupid to do 'such a stupid thing' so shouting at me for that can't be too bad) and whenever my wee sister does anything it's always my fault even when I'm not there and I get yelled at for that.
I need advice on what to do/think.
Please help.
Sorry for wasting your time,
KV

The thing is though, your situation IS bothering you - and rightly so. Your mum is wrong to trivialize the issue and it sounds like she's doing this because she's worried, or possibly even scared, about his behaviour too. Why do you need us to categorize it as abuse though? If you're not happy with the situation you have a right to seek help for it whether it is deemed as abuse or not. I think you do see that it is neither normal nor acceptable behaviour and you most certainly deserve better. The question now though is what to do about it. I'm assuming your quite young still. Depending on your age and where you are there are youth housing schemes that take on people between the ages of 18-25, they're usually for people who have either found themselves homeless or are in circumstances which could possibly threaten their wellbeing. Could you have a look to see if there are any in your area (there usually are) and ask to have an interview and possibly be put on a waiting list? At least then you can be taught independence and how to get a job etc. You also get help with finding social housing once your programme there has ended. I'm in the UK though so if you're elsewhere i'm not sure what the equivalent is (if any). If your of a working age however perhaps this would be a good outlet for your troubles - you'll be out of the house in your spare time and earning money towards independence. If you're also still in school i hope the counselor there has been made aware of your situation - it's important for them to know what's going on so that they can better support you in any way they can if this is what you would like. I hope i've been of some help. All the best.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Kalavara

My friend says he is but Mum says it's just how he's used to acting so I shouldn't let it bother me, but it does.
I need some help on what to believe.
When he's in a bad mood he shouts at me and throws things in my general direction (doesn't mean to hit me though, I don't think so I just joke about it cause that's what Mum does) he also yells at me and calls me: pathetic, a joke, a disgrace, stupid, a ****** and a couple of times a d*ck, but I think he was just tired. I don't think it's too bad but my friend says it is.
When he's in a good mood he's fun though.
We have a kinda strained relationship, I can't even remember the last time he hugged me.
Also, when he found out I was doing self-harm he yelled at me for making Mum worry ( although Mum shouted too about the family's reputation and about how I was stupid to do 'such a stupid thing' so shouting at me for that can't be too bad) and whenever my wee sister does anything it's always my fault even when I'm not there and I get yelled at for that.
I need advice on what to do/think.
Please help.
Sorry for wasting your time,
KV

I want to presume that you are over across the Pond, based on word usage, and to me, that makes me wonder, what type of access to a therapist you'd be able to get?!
You mentioned SH, and so I hope you are able to sit down and talk with a trained professional. SH is recoverable, and it sounds like you are dealing with more than someone your own age should have to deal with.
The thing, about emotional abuse, is that it is insidious and damaging, it's something you cannot see. You are still under your parent's home, and so, leaving may not be an option, at least not logistically.
There is a concept called 'detachment', but to do, so, one needs to do some serious self-help and therapy work to see through what's being said. Sadly, severing the emotional bonds to parents is difficult, and viewing them as an adult from an adult perspective, as a teen, is more daunting!!
Those words, your dad says, are damaging. Had I remained married, those snide, belittling words would have run rampant in my home. And then you have a mum, worried about how the outside world perceives her perfect little world? (not trying to insult, just point it out, as I see it, from a been there/done that perspective)

If you want to release yourself, from the emotional ties, that are destroying you, and you can't get the help you need...just remember to keep coming back here!!

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Kalavara

My friend says he is but Mum says it's just how he's used to acting so I shouldn't let it bother me, but it does.

...
Also, when he found out I was doing self-harm he yelled at me for making Mum worry ( although Mum shouted too about the family's reputation and about how I was stupid to do 'such a stupid thing' so shouting at me for that can't be too bad)

Both your parents are emotionally abusive. Your Mum defends your Dad because she is the same way. They are defending each other. Look:

- when you are upset by your Dad's behavior, your Mum defends the Dad
- when you self-harm, your Dad faults you for making your Mum worry

So they are acting in concert, jointly, against you.

Very tough.

Also, to tell your child what he should feel IS emotional abuse. So your Mum is emotionally abusing you when she tells you that you should not be bothered by Dad's words, shouting, and throwing objects in your general direction.

When you say that his shouting at you cannot be too bad because your Mum shouts at you too, you are essentially saying that anything that your Mum does is perfect and not subject to criticism. Why do you say that? What is so special about your Mum that in your mind she is allowed to shout at you without your being bothered by it, but Dad is not so special, in that his shouting caused you to post this thread? Why such a preferential treatment of Mum?

Plus, it is really horrible - all she said about the reputation and stupidity.

So you are stuck with two abusive parents - I am sorry to say.

[mojo321]

Yeah, Hamster said it. Two abusive parents. Your mum is more of an enabler, though. She isn't helping in her attempts to keep the peace by walking on eggshells, and teaching you how to do the same. I find myself in this situation often with my wife and our kids. At this point, we have all learned to walk on eggshells when she is in a bad mood. Recently, I have been trying to nip it. Her tactic is usually silent-anger-guilt when one of us doesn't jump 100% on board with her viewpoint, or her plan for the evening, or whatever.

The last one I noticed immediately when she started the silent treatment because she had suggested we watch The Notebook and I said I was more in the mood for a comedy or action. **silence and teeth grinding, 30 seconds go by** I said, "Uh, no response?" She said,"Well, what do you want me to say?"

I said,"I don't know, anything. You could say, 'OK honey, maybe next time, or something'."

She said,"No, what I want to say is you're being a jerk".

I said, "Fine. At least that is something. Better than the silent treatment. I'm just not in the mood for The Notebook. If you want to call me a jerk for it that's your thing."

The cool thing about this is, she had to own it now. She couldn't just run the anger silent treatment for 12 hours and then let it fade into history like usual, like it never happened, while I play nice all day until she softens back up.

Within an hour, she was apologizing for calling me a jerk. Accountability.

(sorry, not trying to hijack the thread)

My point is, you may have a bit of an advantage, because the abusive behavior is out in the open, verbal and physical. Confronting this head-on may be a little easier, because the facts are what they are, and he can't deny throwing something, etc...

Your first post says "I need advice on what to do/think."

I'd like to point out that you don't need advice on what to think. You should think what you think. You should feel what you feel. If someone ever says "you shouldn't feel that way", you say, "My feelings are my own. That's one thing you can't control."

When someone says that you shouldn't feel that way, they are really just trying to avoid accountability. They are avoiding saying "I'm sorry." Plain and simple. Or covering for someone else that should say "I'm sorry".

I can give you my opinion on how to cope with it emotionally, and how to react visibly, but nobody should ever tell you how to think or feel. It's impossible, even if were be a good thing! (which it isn't)

Here's my practical advice:

1. Don't make light of the abuse, and don't make excuses for the abuse. When your dad throws stuff or takes his emotions out on you, and you laugh it off, you are defacto giving him permission to use you as his punching bag. You are saying, "it's OK to do that". And he isn't learning.

Instead, say something like, "you almost hit me with that, and I didn't do anything wrong."

OR

"It's not OK to treat me like that."

If he says something like "Well, you never do this or that...." then say "I'll do my best. Please don't throw things at me anymore though, OK?"

"Well, you can be mad if you want to be, but I'm not a part of any of that. I'll go do the {chores you are assigning to me}."

You never said how old you are, so this one might be handy, or not. Replace video games with whatever you enjoy doing that he might use to throw in your face.

"I like spending my free time playing video games. I did all of my chores. How much of my time each day is just for me to do whatever I want? I need you to respect those times. I'm not pathetic just because I like different things than you do."

"Just because I don't do {activity} the way you do, doesn't make me wrong, or pathetic, or stupid."

I wish I had some magic recipe that makes everything OK, but I don't. In fact, some of these statements could make things worse before they make them better. Sometimes, it is just beneficial to say them in your own mind for a while so that you can get used to the logic of why it is wrong. That way, you don't mis-step during the rebuttal. Only fools rush into battle, even if justice is on your side. And You DON'T ever want to give the impression that you are looking for a battle. Wrath can be worse.

OK, here's my best advice. Come back to this forum for hugs as often as you want. I am a dad, too, and you can have a hug from me, pal. (and I'm not a freak, so nothing weird is insinuated there)

Try posting a situation exactly as it occurs and then YOU explain to US why you didn't deserve the abuse. It'll be good practice for you.

[christine65]

Your father is mean and pathetic...your mother on the other hand may have no choice but to put up with him...he is an abuser to you...next time he calls you a ****...tell him....takes one to know one....kidding dont tell him that lol....but he is a mean person....remind him that someday he will grow old and feeble...if your old enough to move out then i suggest moving out and not looking back....you sound too good for any of them.