I need help, advice something

I am married to a wonderful woman (when she is not in the hypomanic phase) I have talked to her about seeing counseling and getting checked out to see if my suspicions of her being Bipolar are true. She constantly accuses me of cheating and when I try to explain to her I would never even think about cheating on her my love runs deeper than I can explain, she just doesnt listen and is fixated that I am. Even when I try to just let it go and not entertain the idea of her accusations it does not help. When she was in one of her manic phases she swore up and down that I was cheating on her and would leave her for some other woman. She has tried self harm on many occasions told me she would rather die than not be with me but also has said she wants to leave. One day I came home for lunch when it was time to head back to work I kissed her good by said I love you see you after work she kissed back said I love you too see you when you get home. When I came home for the day she was gone it took me a few moments to realize everything was gone except a note saying she wanted a divorce. She ended up going back to her parents meeting a guy starting a relationship with him but once he left she told me not to file the paper work pored her heart out to me wanted to be together. I went to visit for a week great visit we were very happy we made plans for her to come back down in a few months and we would work on things through counseling together. When she found out I was leaving the country for a year she went back into a depressed state that days later turned hypomanic stopped talking to me found a new guy and despite having proof she was having a relationship with this guy she denied everything. Only contact i have received was I will be filing the papers here in due time. But a few scentences later she indicates there is still hope. I know she still loves me. I want to go back up there and try to talk face to face try to save the marriage and not lose the woman I would die for. I dont know what I should do. I was told give her some space and she will calm down but every other time I was there by her side calming her down. What should I do? Any help would be great.

I do not know why you are interested in being with this woman who is abusing your love and trust; she does not sound like a friend, companion, or help-mate. I do not know what illness she does or does not have but only she can get help for it if she wants.

I would file for divorce, not let her call the shots on my own life. She has abused her marriage vows more than once it would appear and I do not see her acting in a way to indicate she is interested in stopping or having the relationship becoming any other than what it is now.

I did up the divorce papers when she first left and found a guy almost filed but then she contacted me and told me I didnt have to right now if ever. I still have them saved and apart of me is thinking why not call her out tell her I have papers already and mail them to her maybe that would knock her out of the Hypomanic phase shes in and make her realize the mistake she has made. Make her realize she needs to come back home and work through things get help, properly diagnosed and medicated. I love her to much to stop fighting for us. When she is in her normal state she is the most wonderful loveing careing woman but each time she fears she is going to lose me she gets depressed then manic a few days to a week later.

I agree with Perna again! Love is a tricky thing. Unfortunatley it has a tendency to form without all of the facts about your spouse. When those facts come in after you have bonded yourself to her, people like you (committed till death through good times and bad), people like you become stuck.

There was a fantastic movie with Robin Williams where the women he loved ended up manic and he refused to leave her even though it meant he too would end up much worse, and he made this choice knowingly. The movie portrayed it as a beautiful love thing. And the this act of love triumphed and they were both saved.

but in reality, people aren't "cured" by some single act of sacrifice by the abused. You would really be committing to a life long sentance of this drama. If you love her that much, that you are willin to put up with her manic swings, which now include cheating on you, then why bother asking for help here?

The hard alternative is surgically severing the love bond. this is something that I have never done. it is very hard. For most people, it happens naturally when thier spouse cheats on them. but for guys like you and me (committed till death through good times and bad), it takes a concious, sad, regretful, and perhaps even guilt ridden action.

Good luck with your choice, brother.

I am here looking for help because I fear losing her. I know how I feel but I am afraid that she will run off with the new guy she found because he is there and I am not. Yes it was her choice to run away because finding out me leaving for a year triggered her manic phase but I am afraid this phase will last through the choice of divorce. If things were actually bad between us I would understand but things were great we were happy she had her ups and downs but the relationship it self was good.

Is she planning on going away with you? She probably should if she can't even trust you in your own home,I would panic too if my husband was going to be away for a whole year.

I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that she has bipolar disorder (why the assumption, when she hasn't been diagnosed?); she would need to be evaluated by a psychiatrist for that (sounds like she's not going to, though).

She clearly has issues with jealousy, and out of control jealousy does not necessarily mean she's paranoid; there are plenty of people who are excessively jealous without being bipolar, psychotic, etc.

Overall, she seems to have issues with emotion regulation and close relationships. Whatever her diagnosis/es might be, it sounds like if this is going to work, you will need to go into couple's counseling (and she go into personal counseling). If that's not going to happen, it's sounding pretty bleak. Sorry you're going through this -good luck!

She had planned on going with me was extremely excited but I found out there would be a slim chance she could go as soon as I told her that she went into a depressive state then about 3 days later stopped talking to me and she used to text or call every break she got and called when she got off work. The same day she stopped talking to me I was informed by her co worker who knows me through other friends she started talking to a guy on breaks which he found odd cause he knew she loved me knew she called and texted me on breaks but the suddenly stopped and talked to this other guy. with in a week the other guy who knew she was married started calling her his girlfriend spending many evenings together.

She had scheduled an appointment to be seen and diagnosed but she canceled the appointment then a few weeks later left. I started counseling to try and deal with all of this and he did a preliminary diagnosis but cant make it definitive untill he can see her. He has seen the emails between us and texts and explained to me what her triggers seemed to be and opened my eyes up to all of this and explained what is likely going through her mind. He also explained unless something happens to split her and the other guy apart like last time she will most likely divorce me and start the cycle all over with the new guy.

I guess I should have stated previously that she has done this to two other guys both friends of mine. I asked if they were alright with me and her talking and possibly having a relationship they said go for it but she will likely do the same thing to you. I figured they did something to drive her to her actions but it appears this is normal for her.

So, is it normal for YOU?

If this is normal for her, then without HER making some drastic changes, it will only continue in various ways throughout your relationship.

You therefore have to ask yourself, is it normal for you to have a spouse that behaves this way?

You are not responsible for her feelings, she is. Her unwillingness to get the help she needs, her choices of how to respond, she is doing her own thing, not what would be best for you and her together. She is not communicating with you or even trying to. You cannot lose her, she is already gone and has been all this time. I think you are only trying to fool yourself.