[RP3776]

I keep trying to talk to my husband about my mental health. We have been married for 4-1/2 years, and have a 14 yr old together. We have been through a lot. I have to trick him to ask about my behavior so that I may write it down to give to my T and P-Doc. Parts of me gets depressed about it, yet the other parts of me get angry, not that I know when or how come. The P-Doc has a long list of DX. AXIS I- Bi-polar, then Disassociative Disorder, Panic attack, and PTSD. I know what some of the trauma was from because a former med brought it back bad enough to be admitted for a week. I can't even talk about the trauma much less my actions with him. I just wanted to know what I do when I don't remember. I always thought I was passing out, but come to find out I am not. Why don't I know what causes my anger or depression? Why won't he or the kids tell me. They just think I am, in their words "bat-****-crazy". Example: Last night we went shopping, I reminded him he needed deodorant. That made an argument. He tells me to quit telling him. Or that I was thirsty. Apparently I told him that many many times. I didn't recall it. It's like I go in and out and don't know it and he wont let me talk about it because it is too much for him to take. I have only seen my T 3 times, today will be the 4th. We don't do alot but B.S. I was so proud of my mother acknowledging the family genetics, but I am still so lonely with this. It is hard to not fall back into the deep hole. I'm sorry, I just needed to get this out to someone. Thanks for listening whoever you may be.

[gayleggg]

I'm sorry your husband can't be supportive to you. I can understand your feeling lonely. It's hard when you can't talk to the ones you love. I am glad you found PC. There is always someone willing to listen and be supportive. Keep checking out the post and keep posting yourself that way you will get to know the people on the board better. It's a great place to be when you think you are alone. Welcome aboard.
Gayle

[winter4me]

Sound like the family (H/kids) have labeled you as "the crazy one", don't allow that.
Do you tell your t. about this? Sounds like the H could use an educational session with t. to explain.
Your support may need to come from outside the household-----don't think that you having MI Dx makes him "normal"----or healthy----you just have a better idea of what is going on with yourself as you learn more.
What do you get that is positive in this relationship? Is it worth it?
Do not fall into the trap of "tricking" anyone for information/feedback; ask directly and note down response, doing otherwise gives the other person something else to blame you for....
All easier to say than do I know, sometimes it is awful hard to see the place we live in, we are so acclimated.

[RP3776]

He is a good husband. He tries as hard as he can. Apparently last night he just got tired of me saying something over and over.
He does not like to talk about things that upset him. For instance, I knew I was abused as a child. When I was on a wrong med for a few days, it brought back the actual memories of it. He could not talk to me because he would get mad about the situation. The memory thing just gets him because of redundancy. Unfortunately, every female in my family as far back as my great-great grandmother has had a major MI. I only found it out recently this summer. He wants to fix me, he just doesn't want me to feel pain. It's weird how he works things out. I have driven all friends away that I have ever had. All family members as well, until the past month or so.
I do play on his ignorance to get information. I know it is wrong. People at work are straight with me, we are a good family there, it is just that I am a bit of a different person there. They just view me as a good person finally getting help.

[A Red Panda]

RP: If your H is really concerned and doesn't want you to feel pain.. then he needs to understand that he can help you not feel pain by helping you identify your behaviours and triggers so that you know what to bring in to your T. And that calling you "bat-Sh**-crazy" isn't helping.

Maybe he is never going to be a good listener, but he CAN actively help you to not feel pain by being an outside observer for you. I think if he went to visit the T too that might help him see how he can help.

[ocdwifeofsociopath]

i'm sure it's frustrating for him when he doesn't really understand your behavior and because you don't either it's doubly frustrating. when you need information from him just say straight out, I know you don't like talking about this but my t wants information from your point of view. can I ask you some questions and get honest answers. I will not let them affect me emotionally. and then follow through with that last statement. thank him, and make the rest of the day "normal" and happy. stay in a good mood even if you don't want to. (as long as that's possible anyway ) and let him know that unless someone tells you what your doing there's no way for you to know to work on it. Also remember that because of his frustrations whatever answers he gives you will probably be laced with emotions that you can not take to heart.

[A Red Panda]

OH! An idea based on what ocdwife said:

If your H is worried about triggering/upsetting you through telling you straight up what he observes.. is there a chance that you could get your T to make him a questionaire where he could write responses to it? And then you can just not read it until you're with T.

[Mandy_862]

Hello

If you have dissociative disorder you may have learnt to separate yourself as defence mechanism for so long that now, you don't know where your anger and depression comes from (altho reading your blog, maybe the lack of support from your husband may be one of the reasons). As u only on 4th app with T, you may, in time, gain more of an insight and hopefully she/he will help! Good luck with it all and stay strong! U r doing nothing wrong xx

[anneo59]

excellent advice offered throughout this thread, and I can def relate to what you're going thru. Hang in there, and give some of these suggestions a try, perhaps? And as someone already mentioned, making some good friends here on PC can go a long way toward helping you feel supported and understood! The best!

[RP3776]

Thanks everyone, Yes T has even gone so far as asking me if I wanted him to come so she could talk with him. He always says he is willing to do whatever it takes, but I do think he is scared. It's just really lonely living in my head. I will ask her today what else can be done so that things can be made a little easier. Thank you all so much again for the great opinions and options.

[Perna]

Can you teach your husband to say stock phrases, "Thanks, I got the deodorant!" (maybe if he tells you he got it you won't keep reminding him?) or, to give you a bottle of water if you're thirsty, etc.? It sounds like you were not acknowledged much as a child either and maybe some of your repetitiveness is just trying to get heard. I know I talk too loud still when I'm anxious (I'm 62) sometimes because I was youngest of 5 children and had trouble getting my say with my siblings being bigger/older.

I'm sorry he has trouble talking about it to help you with your pdoc and therapist.

[winter4me]

I would take t up on talking to H, you say he says he will do what it takes, give him the opportunity.
And, I am sorry if this is annoying, but his anger will not be helpful for you and if he cannot listen, really cannot, that is his issue and you need to find that kind of support elsewhere. As for repetition (lots of good thoughts in previous threads) we all do it and often we do it more when we don't feel heard or have anxiety----
When my mom had dementia, the repetition was constant, and not easy even knowing it was the disease, not her----my son was really the best at simply answering the same questions over and over just as if they were being asked for the first time; it saves a ton of bad feelings all around; even as a nurse, dealing with this in family, in home, is quite different----and I would sometimes lose perspective.
It sounds like you need to build some new friendships. Is there any hobby/interest you have that you could share in a group (craft, reading group, a class, yoga, gardening, other?----check out community education opportunities/talks, tours....)---this way you can have interactions around an activity, and as you get to know someone, it may help to just let them know that you might be repetitive at times and it's ok for them to let you know when it happens. We all have something we do that we don't like. When anxious or down, I know I tend to self-reference when someone is talking about someone else or themselves, I hate hearing it come out of my mouth; but it happens. My kids know I am aware of this, which takes the edge off for them when it happens, they know they can just let it roll away, and that it won't last as I work on it....
Sometimes, I think it comes from having a job that requires me to be attentive always others, both patients and coworkers. (sounds logical but I doubt it is really)