[ImperfectMe]

My husband of 15 years told me a couple of months ago that he had an affair 8 years ago. He told me he was sorry, that he didn't want to lose me. I asked him to leave, and he did. I've never been so hurt. I think that this is actually worse than the incident that caused my PTSD. What I don't understand is why is he not begging me to stay together? Why is he not doing eveything he can to save our marriage? Am I being selfish for wanting him to beg even though I'm not sure I'd be willing to take him back, or willing to try marriage councelling? It's a hurt like no other. With him not even trying to talk to me makes me feel rejected, or like he's waiting for me to call him and say "Okay, I'm over it now. You can come home." So confused.

[Bobbarita]

I think being away from each other might not be a bad thing right now. I begged my husband to leave for 6 weeks while I got my head together. He refused. We bargained. He wouldn't leave. A month before that I was so overwhelmed by our problems at the time, I spent 3 weeks away at a women's shelter! I returned and that's when I asked for some space which he refused. It doesn't matter now as our divorce just became final and it was I who served the papers. I believe if he had temporarily left when I asked him to and we had counseling we might have avoided divorce. Try counseling on your own. It might help you sort out confusion. It might help you decide your next move. G-D bless and good luck. BTW you're not being selfish, you are wounded and hurt. Protect yourself above all else.

[eskielover]

......how strange....the first question that came into my mind was....he tells you after 8 years?......maybe he didn't really have an affair....maybe he's just saying that as he knew it would upset you & then maybe you would be the one to end the marriage if that's what he may be really wanting.

Why do I say this?????.....guess it came from a guy I dated in college, nothing serious...just an acquaintance. I was talking to him about how guys deal with relationships....his comment.....a lot of guys do something or say something that will make the woman want to end the relationship so they don't have to do it & end up with the emotional mess that causes.

It does seem strange that he doesn't want to talk about it.....but then if it's anything like my stbxh....he would never talk about anything he did either let alone how to go forward from a serious problem....he would rather stick his head in the sand & ignore anything around him is happening & wonder why people would kick his rear end that's still sticking out of the sand.....& claim ignorance to everything to avoide any responsibility.

He may be just giving you the cooling off period & figuring that you will talk to him when you are ready & have processed the situation to your satisfaction on your own & the rest of the processing will have to be done together.

It's hard to say what he's really thinking since there are quite a few senario possibilities I can see might be going on here.....it's best to NEVER ASSUME.....& when you have processed the situation & know what you want & need to proceed from there.....then you need to go & talk & get all your assumptions & questions at least asked.....if it's like my stbxh...his answer was always "I don't know" especially if it came to anything he had thought or had done & you can forget emotions they didn't exist in his brain.

One can only resolve issues through communication. Being away is just a chance to cool down & sort through your thoughts & gather your feelings & emotions together & make what you think would be your game plan for the future.......then you come back & say.....this is where I'm coming from......& hopefully this isn't his sneeky way of getting you to end the marriage????

[healingme4me]

I feel I can appreciate what you may mean about the 'begging.' It doesn't sound like you really want to torment him over the affair. It sounds like you may be baffled, by his just walking away, and not fighting to save the marriage and having all those talks, that many people would attempt to have.

For instance, a conversation could go like this:
H:I cheated, 8 years ago
W:Get out of my home, I don't want to be involved with a cheater
H:I'll leave, but will you please consider taking me back, if I go get some help?
W: I may consider taking you back, after a certain amount of time, or let's go through counseling, so I can see for myself if I do want you back.
H: I appreciate the consideration for a second change, I love my family and am so very sorry for making such a huge mistake.

He cheated 8 years ago. It was brought up, after 8 years. And when asked to leave, (my impression) "Yes, I get to leave now, see 'ya" (because I am considering someone else...type of thinking)

It truly seems bizarre, that he's not pleading for his marriage and presumably family?!

[ImperfectMe]

Thank you, all of you for the insight. I don't doubt that the affair happened at all. I know exactly when it happened. He was on a business trip, and I vividly remember calling him to tell him good night. He never answered and he never called me back which was so unlike him. I was sick with worry that night. I remember it like it was yesterday. His excuse was he never heard his phone, and didn't want to wake me when he got back from a business dinner because it was late. I trusted him so completely that I didn't question it in the least bit. The night he told me about the afair, he cried like I've never seen him cry before. This man does not cry. Yes, I asked him every question I had about the affair. Why? How could you? Who was she? Did you not think about me at all? Were you safe? Why are you telling me this now? His answer to that was he couldn't stand the guilt anymore. That's when I asked him to leave. I already am in therapy for PTSD... He's always been very supportive of me in that regards. Doing everything he can to help. He just always ho-hummed about coming to therapy with me. I now chalk it up to him thinking that the affair would surface and he was petrified of that. I'm going to go with the theory that he is giving me the space I've requested. And that he's waiting for me to let him know when I'm ready for us to work through it. If I'm wrong, and he is just looking for a way out, that will be devastating, but I can't think that way right now. We do not have any kids, and thank God for that. I'd hate for there to be kids in the middle of this. Thanks again, guys, for commenting, and the insight.

[High Treason]

You asked him to leave and he left. It sounds to me like the ball's in your court. I don't see how you can expect him to be psychic and know what you want him to do.

That was pretty selfish of him to tell you about the affair. It's certainly not anything that would have hurt you if you never knew about it. He did it to clear his own conscience with no regard for you. Unfortunately the cat's out of the bag now and you're the one who is stuck having to deal with it. It's perfectly reasonable for him to be waiting for you to decide how to proceed from here. When you ask someone to move out, it usually doesn't mean "and call me tomorrow."

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by ImperfectMe

My husband of 15 years told me a couple of months ago that he had an affair 8 years ago. He told me he was sorry, that he didn't want to lose me. I asked him to leave, and he did. I've never been so hurt. I think that this is actually worse than the incident that caused my PTSD. What I don't understand is why is he not begging me to stay together? Why is he not doing eveything he can to save our marriage? Am I being selfish for wanting him to beg even though I'm not sure I'd be willing to take him back, or willing to try marriage councelling? It's a hurt like no other. With him not even trying to talk to me makes me feel rejected, or like he's waiting for me to call him and say "Okay, I'm over it now. You can come home." So confused.

Look - he was living with you just fine. You were not talking about separating soon - right? He did not have to tell you. For some reason he told you. What was the reason? You did ask him to leave (an action) but did not ask him why he told you (motivation).

It may be the case that he himself is confused and does not know why he told you, though.

[mojo321]

Some people don't agree with the marriage builders website, but I find the section on forgiveness to be very enlightening. I think there is a direct connection between FEELING forgiveness in your heart for someone who has wronged you, and the "penance" that they pay for the indiscretion.

I believe it is a human trait. You wanting him to "beg" is the payment that you require, because you don't have any idea how you can possibly forgive him and move forward. Your subconscious just knows that some retribution must be had. Cheating on you isn't "free", and you'll be damned if your just going to let him off so easily, just because it was "a long time ago.". Just because it was so many years ago doesn't make it fade away any easier.

The marriage builders website talks about "Just Compensation". Until your subconscious feels that you have received "just compensation", you will have a very hard time moving forward.

He seems to think that all he has to do is wait until you are ready to forgive him. If just compensation for you is this simple, then fine. But it doesn't sound like it is. He need to know that.

I don't know what "just compensation" is for you. It was so long ago that he can't make any of the symbolic gestures, like changing jobs, cutting off all ties with the woman, or whatever, because all of those things happened already.

If you want him back, and you want a renewed love with him, then he is going to have to want it too, and you are going to have to work together to figure out what "just compensation" will be required to begin the road to recovery. Check it out here:

Forgiveness:

Can't We Just Forgive and Forget? #1

Infidelity:

Steps to Recover from an affair/infidelity in marriage

[ImperfectMe]

Thank you for validating my thoughts. You've helped me answer a question that I keep asking myself. "Do I even want to forgive him?" The answer to that is of course, yes. The next question I asked myself was "Okay, so you want to forgive him, but how in the world are you going to be able to?" Everthing is so tainted now. I know it was 8 years ago, but in my mind that equals to over 2,000 days that he's kept it from me. And to answer the question that other posters have had about why he was telling me now, I did ask that question when he told me about the affair, and his answer was that he couldn't live with the guilt anymore. I know that if I want to save my marriage, I just need to talk to him about it. I can't continue quessing why he hasn't approached me to discuss it. I guess the only thing I'm basing my confusion of why he isn't "begging me" on is that I know that if the tables were turned, and I had the affair, and I was remorseful and serious about working through it, I would be asking to go to marriage councelling, and asking what I can do to prove that I am sincerely sorry. But that's who I am. I can't begin to guess what he is going through. I appreciate the links that you sent. They are very informative, and a great tool for someone who has never been through this.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by ImperfectMe

The night he told me about the afair, he cried like I've never seen him cry before. This man does not cry. Yes, I asked him every question I had about the affair. Why? How could you? Who was she? Did you not think about me at all? Were you safe? Why are you telling me this now? His answer to that was he couldn't stand the guilt anymore. That's when I asked him to leave.

He was in tears and couldn't stand the guilt. Knowing, this much, it sounds like he was begging for forgiveness. And, is now respecting your wishes.

[ImperfectMe]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

He was in tears and couldn't stand the guilt. Knowing, this much, it sounds like he was begging for forgiveness. And, is now respecting your wishes.

I agree with your comment. Sometimes it takes actually talking about it (or typing it out) to see your error in judgement and thoughts. Thank you for calling me out on it. I guess that's something I need to work on if we try working this out. I need to listen more carefully.

[mojo321]

I can't continue quessing why he hasn't approached me to discuss it.

1. A part of him is hoping that time will mend your broken heart.

2. He is respecting your wishes, and waiting for you to call him back for a meeting.

[eskielover]

@mojo321.....thank you for those links.....& the information......I know that I had a different kind of infidelity in my marriage.....it was with the IRS & him not telling me that he had received a letter or that he had blown it with the filing on my inheritance $ & I owed a huge amount even more with penalties & interest & when I found out, I also found out that he had never even talked to the IRS during those 10 months.....listening to a David Ramsey program once on the radio, he had made the comment that financial infidelity in marriage does the same damage as sexual infidelity. I got a "sorry" out of him.....& by that time I had moved 2100 miles away....but had invited him & our daughter to my farm for Christmas.....ended up kicking him out a few weeks later & sent him packing back to our Ca home.....just after that was when I found out about the IRS...that he had never said a word about.......all he ever said was that he was sorry that he had failed as a husband.....but he had already stated that it was his personality that was the problem & it was something he couldn't change......which is complete BS.....but I had no desire to have him back or go through any better marriage counseling than what we had gone through which was pretty much useless.

But what you said here made me realize that I was definitely expecting more than just a sorry I failed as a husband......but then some words I heard loud & clear in the background echo on our drive to my farm in that he stated that he expected me to continue tolerating him just as I had done for 33 years.....when over those 33 years there was nothing but fighting & a purely miserable life together.....something I had no desire to continue tolerating add to that his complete resistance & belief in his inability to change.....which has continued to be even more obvious with more financial irresponsibility that he has continued during these 6 years to the point where I am finally filing for divorce because I refuse to have him continue to financially ruin me.......& he never showed any remorse emotions but by that time I was limiting our communications to nothing but written email or texting as I required everything in writing because of his denials of what he would say.

@ImperfectMe I do know what you mean about wanting to hear or see something on his part to indicate where he's coming from & what his feelings really are about what he did & where his thinking is NOW in this whole picture before you are willing to forgive anything.....& that makes sense because there has to be communication regarding this whole situation & a good, deep communication to really KNOW where he is & what he's really feeling.

I look back at my marriage & it's amazing but over those 33 years, I realize that I never did know my H.....all I ever knew was this guy who was continually pushing me to do things that I knew were wrong financially......he was a nice person while at the same time, would tell you he was going to do something & turn around & never do it.....but I never knew what he thought or what he felt about anything.....& it's impossible to have a good strong marriage under those conditions.....you can co-exist...but that's about all.....guess it really depends on what each really wants from the marriage & when those desires aren't compatible....then it makes having a successful marriage that much more difficult.

Without communication you can't resolve anything......if you have analyzed as much as you can on your own, then it's time to work on resolving the issues together.

[mojo321]

Wow, intense story. As a husband, I am sorry for what you have had to endure. I'm guilty of some of that kind of stuff too, albeit on a much smaller scale. Specifically, I am sorry for not acknowledging that more penance is needed, and being stubborn about YOU accepting me, faults and all. But when a fault is major, change is needed. And real apology.

[avlady]

I think even though people may not agree with me here, that you should give him another chance and forgive him, he seems like it is really bothering him, he must have strong feelings for you even though he did cheat, he cried because he can't live with what he did a long time ago, you should forgive him, if he is a good husband and doesn't play games and this is not a game?

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by avlady

I think even though people may not agree with me here, that you should give him another chance and forgive him, he seems like it is really bothering him, he must have strong feelings for you even though he did cheat, he cried because he can't live with what he did a long time ago, you should forgive him, if he is a good husband and doesn't play games and this is not a game?

I agree, but not without a lot of communication & discussion regarding the emotions & the marriage relationship....otherwise it will continue to be an elephant in the room.

[ImperfectMe]

I appreciate everyone's comments. Eskielover, I am so sorry that you had to go through that. I understand that your situation isn't exactly the same as mine, but it's the same in the sense that you were betrayed by someone who you loved, and trusted. Someone who made promises to you when you were married. It's horrible to think you know and trust someone so completely, only to find out that they aren't exactly who you thought they were. I NEVER thought my husband to be a "one night stand" type, let alone that he would cheat on me.

Let me give you all an update. I called him. I told him exactly how I was feeling. He told me that he was giving me the space he knew I needed. He said he's taken the time away from each other to reflect on himself. About why he did it, why he didn't come clean about it sooner. He said that our whole marriage has been so hard for him. Watching me go through what I was going through (PTSD), and feeling useless to help. He said that when I started going through therapy (1 year ago), and seeing the positive changes in me and our marriage, he felt he HAD to come clean about it because we were starting a whole new life together, and he wanted that new life to begin with nothing standing in the way. He has been in therapy himself now for 1 month. He wants to start marriage counceling with me too, but for the time being, he wants to go alone.

I am so glad that I've talked to him now. I'm still so, so hurt, but at least now I know where he's coming from. Yes, I still would have liked for him to come to me sooner. It would have made me feel just a little better. Like he really loved me and didn't want to lose me. The no contact for 2 months was really starting to make me question myself.

For now, we are just going to take it slow. He'll remain on his own, and I on mine. When he's ready to move on to couples therapy, I'll be here. There's so much more we need to work on other than the affair. The lack of communication in our relationship is, needless to say, a huge factor. I

I can't stress enough now how important communication is in relationships. I know how hard it is to let down your guard and your ego. But truly, there is no other way. This has been such a huge learning experience for me. I hope others can learn from this too.

[123erica]

I guess people who cannot forgive are super-perfect. I will never understand unforgiveness.

[eskielover]

I guess people who cannot forgive are super-perfect. I will never understand unforgiveness.

When there is no remorse from the other person there is nothing to forgive. When they think they are so perfect that there is no remorse for the hurt they cause. One can just leave the person & have nothing more to do with them....& let go in that way......it has nothing to do with being super-perfect in one's self.....it's the other's one belief of perfection that causes the non-forgiveness......& the need to go on with one's life in a different direction.

[ImperfectMe]

Originally Posted by 123erica

I guess people who cannot forgive are super-perfect. I will never understand unforgiveness.

Forgiveness is a wonderful feeling. It's so complete, and final. The perfect ending. I would love to be able to just forgive my husband. But for me, forgiveness is feeling, not an action, and I can't force myself to feel something that I don't. Maybe in time that will happen. You must be a very compassionate person, and I admire that. It's a trait I know I need to work on.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by ImperfectMe

But for me, forgiveness is feeling, not an action, and I can't force myself to feel something that I don't.

but of course - forgiveness is defined as cessation of resentment, and since resentment is a feeling, so is its cessation, so you cannot force yourself to feel a certain way until you, well, feel that way!