[lido78]

For some reason, every time I try to talk to my boyfriend it turns into a huge fight. I feel as if something triggers some kind of rage in him, and he fails to hear anything that I say after that point. He has been under a ton of stress for the last two years, and I feel as if I'm walking on eggshells.

Tonight, I called him after we'd parted company for the evening (we live separately) because there was a small leak in my house and I thought he could give me some advice. The phone rang twice and then went into voicemail, so I dialed again. It then immediately went into voicemail. I assumed his battery was dead and was about to go watch t.v. for the night when I got a text message from him that said "Please text me." I thought this was really strange (it was kind of a weird/formal text to send to someone you've been dating for 3+ year) and made me nervous that something bad had happened.

So, I just texted him about the leak but didn't hear anything back right away. About 15 minutes later he called, and he said he had been in the store and his hands had been full and couldn't talk. I thought it was strange that he would text me but not call me while in the store, so I just asked "Oh was your phone dying?" He said that it wasn't and we went on with the rest of our conversation. I still thought it had been strange that he could text but not speak, but didn't want to push the issue because I wasn't even sure what question to ask.

Because the whole thing seemed so "off" to me, I called him again before going to bed several hours later. It was late, but he's usually up way after I go to sleep. When I tried to talk to him about the weird text, he basically freaked out. He initially just said that he had not sent me a text, so I said "That's so weird, I have it right here." He then though I was accusing him of something when I said, "Did you mean to send the text to someone else?" To me, this seems logical but I can also see how it can be taken as an accusation of sorts. But, the bottom line is that I had a text on my phone and he was saying he had not sent me one. So, unless little green men had gotten hold of his phone, it looked as if he was not being truthful for some reason.

From there, the whole thing just spiraled out of control. When I said that I called him because our original exchange seemed really off and it was bothering me, he said it was "scary" that I was worrying about stuff like this and why would I call him so late when it could wait until the next day. While I get this, I assumed it was fine for me to call him as he was usually up at that hour and had only been brushing his teeth and not already asleep or in bed. But, he basically ranted that I just should have asked him about the text message during our original call and that something was wrong with me to still be worrying about it hours later.

He didn't seem understand/hear me when I explained that it hadn't really bothered me until later when I realized it was still on my mind. He also seemed pissed that I'd called him so late, when he is often up until 2 or 3 in the morning (it was 1 when I called).

We eventually figured out that it was an automatically generated text that can be sent by the phone, and that he'd accidentally pressed a button to turn this feature on. But he still seemed angry that I'd questioned him. I tried to explain that I'd never really been aware of this kind of feature and had assumed he'd sent me a weird text. But, he then said he was upset that I'd waited so long to ask him about it. He just couldn't understand the sequence of events and why any of it had been confusing to me....

The whole thing could have been a big laugh, but he seemed angry more than anything else. Maybe my asking him about the text would seem like an accusation to other people, but I had not intended it that way...and it was a weird situation...he seemed to still be angry at me even after realizing that his phone had sent the text without him even knowing about it.

I don't know, it's so confusing to me. I don't think I would have been angry had the situation been reversed, but if I was at fault here, I'd love to understand the other side of things.

[Ab678]

Oh I feel your pain..
Ive been with someone like this for 4+ years...

There has to be deeper issues here. Its such an uncomfortable way to live your life around somebody else's moods.
Do you know anything about his childhood?
Does he just prefer total freedom and call upon you when he needs you?

Ive just come to a cross road with my partner who behaves in this same manner on many different levels.
He is currently seeing a psychologist to help him be good for himself and to me.
Its going to be a long journey but im hoping worth it in the end.

You should not be shot down for showing concern.
If this continues either he seeks help or you get away and find someone thats on your level and understanding.

All the best.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by lido78

He initially just said that he had not sent me a text, so I said "That's so weird, I have it right here." He then though I was accusing him of something when I said, "Did you mean to send the text to someone else?" To me, this seems logical but I can also see how it can be taken as an accusation of sorts. But, the bottom line is that I had a text on my phone and he was saying he had not sent me one. So, unless little green men had gotten hold of his phone, it looked as if he was not being truthful for some reason.

it can be taken as an accusation of sorts in the right context. without knowing more about the details of your relationship, it is not possible to really give an opinion from an outsider's perspective. I can tell you that "That's so weird, I have it right here." was totally appropriate to say and could not have been taken as an accusation of sorts, but "Did you mean to send the text to someone else?" could have been taken as an accusation - "could have" does not mean "should have"!!! - depending on the context, again, and, depending on the tone of your voice when you said it. In a written form, this utterance does not convey your tone of voice, so it is not possible to give an objective opinion.

this is just an observation about this little tidbit - in general, your feeling of being in a precarious position when talking to him and your apprehension of triggering him by the slightest little thing mean that more work needs to happen in this relationship to make it more equitable (=so that he can be with you more or less the way you can be with him).

[lido78]

Originally Posted by Ab678

Oh I feel your pain..
Ive been with someone like this for 4+ years...

There has to be deeper issues here. Its such an uncomfortable way to live your life around somebody else's moods.
Do you know anything about his childhood?
Does he just prefer total freedom and call upon you when he needs you?

Ive just come to a cross road with my partner who behaves in this same manner on many different levels.
He is currently seeing a psychologist to help him be good for himself and to me.
Its going to be a long journey but im hoping worth it in the end.

You should not be shot down for showing concern.
If this continues either he seeks help or you get away and find someone thats on your level and understanding.

All the best.

Yes, he spent a lot of time on his own as his child (his parents traveled a lot) and does like his alone time. That being said, we see each other for a bit every day and spend every weekend together. So, he doesn't call me only when he needs me. He recently started a new business and is under crazy stress (financial and emotional) to make it work. I'm sure he'd love to see a therapist to deal with his issues (he's open to it), but his health insurance does not have mental health benefits. At this point though, he has no money to pay out of pocket. I have offered to pay, but he won't accept this kind of money from me. So we have a stressful situation and no real way for him to get help. Except for talking to me, which is just causing me my own stress.

I hope your situation improves and am glad your partner is getting help...It's tough to hang in there....you feel for them and whatever they're going through but also have to take care of yourself. I think it can be tough to figure out how much time to give it, especially when you do love someone.

[lido78]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

it can be taken as an accusation of sorts in the right context. without knowing more about the details of your relationship, it is not possible to really give an opinion from an outsider's perspective. I can tell you that "That's so weird, I have it right here." was totally appropriate to say and could not have been taken as an accusation of sorts, but "Did you mean to send the text to someone else?" could have been taken as an accusation - "could have" does not mean "should have"!!! - depending on the context, again, and, depending on the tone of your voice when you said it. In a written form, this utterance does not convey your tone of voice, so it is not possible to give an objective opinion.

this is just an observation about this little tidbit - in general, your feeling of being in a precarious position when talking to him and your apprehension of triggering him by the slightest little thing mean that more work needs to happen in this relationship to make it more equitable (=so that he can be with you more or less the way you can be with him).

Thinking through what you wrote, I'm sure there was at least a hint of accusation in my second question. Unfortunately, not knowing the phone could auto-generate a text message like this, it seemed as if he was not telling me the truth. It should have been funny, but he made me feel like I was being psycho for being worried about the disconnect. I never raised my voice or accused him of anything....so, I do understand him being mad, but not to the level he took it. My solution is always to talk about things openly...but I fear that right now, while he's under all this stress, I need to just keep quiet. Which means I just get to keep wondering about stuff with no resolution (and means it could just build up even more by not talking about it)....I don't know how to approach him about this, since that could just trigger more...you are right, this is a bit precarious and it makes my head hurt.

[High Treason]

I could be completely off here but...

I get the impression from your OP that you may have been more accusatory than you are letting on and have cleaned the story up a bit to make yourself look more innocent. I'm not suggesting you necessarily even did it consciously. The story people end up with in their heads about what happened almost always makes them come out in a better light than what actually happened. Are you sure you're not believing your own rationalizations? Were you perhaps a bit more accusatory than you think you were recalling the story? Reading between the lines in this story, it seems likely to me.

[wpmelane]

What phone does he have that auto generates a text? Thats not possible to have your phone randomly text someone without setting something like that up. Its not like magic where i download an app or I accidentally open a feature up and hit ON and it sends you a message. Just saying. You would need to setup up a respondent and a message or maybe if its on default to send to a person at a particular time. Seems weird to me.

[tinyrabbit]

I felt kind of exhausted reading your post. It seems like maybe you were focusing on the exact mechanics of the phone to an excessive degree.

I'm sorry if this is hard to hear, but are you quite sure he's the one walking on eggshells?

[Confusedinomicon]

I think if you'd asked in the beginning if a text message was sent instead of asking if the phone was dying then this wouldn't have exploded. I think he was frustrated that you called really late because he wasn't aware of it and the text seemed pretty trivial at best.

Also I would have just forwarded the text back to him so he could have seen that he sent it. It probably would have been easier to clear up if both of you were in the same room so he could physically see the message and not accuse you of anything.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Confusedinomicon

Also I would have just forwarded the text back to him so he could have seen that he sent it. It probably would have been easier to clear up if both of you were in the same room so he could physically see the message and not accuse you of anything.

That was my initial reaction to OP, but I was unaware of the functionality of forwarding texts (as opposed to emails). I try to text as little as possible because I much prefer the bigger keys on the normal computer keyboard. Sorry.

If there is the functionality of forwarding texts, then, obviously, the right move would have been to forward the text back to him.

[Yoda]

You say in your initial post that you often feel uneasy and he is often angry/unhappy. You excuse that by saying he is under a lot of stress. Well stress is a normal part of the human condition and don't think that he will be under less stress in five, ten or thirty years from now. If he is taking his anger out on you that is unhealthy for you both. I am wondering if he is emotionally abusive. I don't have enough information to know at this point but I do think if I were you I would proceed slowly in this relationship and not make a commitment until he changes some of his behaviors.

Does he do any of the behaviors on the wheel? He doesn't have to be hitting you to be abusive. Emotional abuse is abuse too.

[IndieVisible]

I guess I'm not seeing the problem here. Appears to be attempting to make a mountain out of a ant hill. I really see nothing here and if this is any indication of your habit of always questioning him about every little thing, I'd get upset too. If that is not the case forgive me I am just trying to present another angle of looking at this.

[lido78]

Originally Posted by High Treason

I could be completely off here but...

I get the impression from your OP that you may have been more accusatory than you are letting on and have cleaned the story up a bit to make yourself look more innocent. I'm not suggesting you necessarily even did it consciously. The story people end up with in their heads about what happened almost always makes them come out in a better light than what actually happened. Are you sure you're not believing your own rationalizations? Were you perhaps a bit more accusatory than you think you were recalling the story? Reading between the lines in this story, it seems likely to me.

It's not only possible, but something that I'm trying to examine. I'm really not trying to clean anything up but trying to look back over this particular change to better understand what is truly his behavior and what is his reaction to my behavior. I definitely feel comfortable with my initial question asking him about the text...but am not sure about the question asking him if he'd intended to send it to someone else. But, there is actually some real logic here. If he did not intend to send the text to me, then he (or someone else) must have intended to send the text to someone else. That's pretty logical if you are not aware of the system's ability to auto-generate a text, which I was not. So, not knowing this about the auto-generate feature, I'm only left with sending a text to someone else...there are really no other options and why it was strange to me. In addition, he is from another country originally, and does not have too many American friends that he would text in English...so, the whole thing was weird to me...but, because it was weird, I'm sure that there were irrational thoughts in my mind...

[lido78]

Originally Posted by wpmelane

What phone does he have that auto generates a text? Thats not possible to have your phone randomly text someone without setting something like that up. Its not like magic where i download an app or I accidentally open a feature up and hit ON and it sends you a message. Just saying. You would need to setup up a respondent and a message or maybe if its on default to send to a person at a particular time. Seems weird to me.

We both have Windows phones and mine has the same feature...there are pre-set automated text replies that, if you toggle the switch, are sent out if you are unavailable. While you do have to set the feature for it to work, the words in the text he sent me were verbatim one of the pre-set responses. So, after it was all said and done, everything makes 100% sense and I totally believe him. The issue is the anger that he put out while we were trying to figure things out. I may have had some degree of accusation in my tone, but never raised my voice or got irrational...

[lido78]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

I felt kind of exhausted reading your post. It seems like maybe you were focusing on the exact mechanics of the phone to an excessive degree.

I'm sorry if this is hard to hear, but are you quite sure he's the one walking on eggshells?

This is quite possible and why I'm posting. I'm totally open to any or all of this being my fault.

[lido78]

Originally Posted by Confusedinomicon

I think if you'd asked in the beginning if a text message was sent instead of asking if the phone was dying then this wouldn't have exploded. I think he was frustrated that you called really late because he wasn't aware of it and the text seemed pretty trivial at best.

Also I would have just forwarded the text back to him so he could have seen that he sent it. It probably would have been easier to clear up if both of you were in the same room so he could physically see the message and not accuse you of anything.

This is exactly what he said...but, I assumed he'd sent a text..it was from him and it was sent a minute or two after I'd just called him...never crossed my mind that he'd not sent it or that the phone had sent it...we sometimes text if his phone is running low on juice since it takes up less battery life...this was my honest thinking at the time...so, when he later said there was no text...it was really weird. I'm not trying to play games or split hairs...I was honestly confused and then a bit taken by surprise over his level of anger...frustration would have been fine...but I didn't get the anger...

[lido78]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

That was my initial reaction to OP, but I was unaware of the functionality of forwarding texts (as opposed to emails). I try to text as little as possible because I much prefer the bigger keys on the normal computer keyboard. Sorry.

If there is the functionality of forwarding texts, then, obviously, the right move would have been to forward the text back to him.

I totally should have done this...but you can actually edit forwarded text messages, so I told him that I'd show him the message next time we're together. It's all figured out now, but I want to learn from this and handle myself better the next time. That being said, I would also like him to control the anger a bit better. This seems fair to me.

[lido78]

Originally Posted by Yoda

You say in your initial post that you often feel uneasy and he is often angry/unhappy. You excuse that by saying he is under a lot of stress. Well stress is a normal part of the human condition and don't think that he will be under less stress in five, ten or thirty years from now. If he is taking his anger out on you that is unhealthy for you both. I am wondering if he is emotionally abusive. I don't have enough information to know at this point but I do think if I were you I would proceed slowly in this relationship and not make a commitment until he changes some of his behaviors.

Does he do any of the behaviors on the wheel? He doesn't have to be hitting you to be abusive. Emotional abuse is abuse too.

Yeah, I know that everyone has stress. But, I have to admit that his is pretty extreme. He is like the bad luck kid. Honestly, I've never seen so many things go wrong for one person. He is physically healthy thank God for that though. Believe me, we've discussed if he has caused any of his own problems and I believe he has...but, this doesn't make things any less stressful.

I don't see too much on the wheel that concerns me, although some of the ways he talks to me would be considered emotionally abusive. However, as some have posted above, there is a likelihood that some of my language comes off as accusations. Not in the "I provoked him, so I made him mistreat me" kind of way, but in a way that I fully acknowledge might provoke someone else to a level of frustration, if not anger. He is never physically intimidating (when he's angry, he's more likely to just walk out of the room)...it's more yelling when I'm speaking in a normal tone of voice. However, what I think may be a simple conversation may have hidden underlying accusations.

For now, a cooling off period is in order.

[lido78]

Originally Posted by IndieVisible

I guess I'm not seeing the problem here. Appears to be attempting to make a mountain out of a ant hill. I really see nothing here and if this is any indication of your habit of always questioning him about every little thing, I'd get upset too. If that is not the case forgive me I am just trying to present another angle of looking at this.

You are probably right and why I appreciate the feedback. I'm happy to look at my part in it...

[High Treason]

Yes, I think getting angry to the point of yelling is a bit over the top here. One thing that comes to mind is that you say he is from a different country. This could be part of it. People from various cultures have different ways of interacting with people. I don't know where he's from but just for example, new people just coming to Korea are often taken aback by the fact that it sounds like everyone is angry with each other all the time, especially the way men interact. I remember distinctly early on here hearing a conversation between my friend (Korean man) and another Korean man in Korean (and at that point I knew very little of the language so couldn't understand what they were saying) and asking my friend afterwards what was wrong, why they were so angry at each other. He was genuinely confused as to what I meant. He said they were just having a normal conversation. Everything about the tone of voice, volume level, etc conveyed anger to my American sensibilities, but it was completely misinterpreted. Is it possible that you interpreted as anger what he might have just considered frustration?

[IndieVisible]

Originally Posted by lido78

You are probably right and why I appreciate the feedback. I'm happy to look at my part in it...

I certainly don't mind to put the blame entirely on you! It's really difficult to get a good idea of what is going on because there is always two sides to a story and I want you to know I realize there could be more to this picture that I am missing and was only going by what little I do know.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by High Treason

Yes, I think getting angry to the point of yelling is a bit over the top here. One thing that comes to mind is that you say he is from a different country. This could be part of it. People from various cultures have different ways of interacting with people. I don't know where he's from but just for example, new people just coming to Korea are often taken aback by the fact that it sounds like everyone is angry with each other all the time, especially the way men interact. I remember distinctly early on here hearing a conversation between my friend (Korean man) and another Korean man in Korean (and at that point I knew very little of the language so couldn't understand what they were saying) and asking my friend afterwards what was wrong, why they were so angry at each other. He was genuinely confused as to what I meant. He said they were just having a normal conversation. Everything about the tone of voice, volume level, etc conveyed anger to my American sensibilities, but it was completely misinterpreted. Is it possible that you interpreted as anger what he might have just considered frustration?

That is a good point - there is that old joke about a Brit and an Italian talking: the Brit keeps stepping backwards and the Italian keeps stepping forward - not that the Italian were attacking and the Brit were being attacked, no - it is just that the notion of what constitutes that appropriate distance between two conversation partners differs from Britain to Italy. Same thing.

[Confusedinomicon]

I found the best solution is to wait and see the partner in person.

My boyfriend told me several times that getting phone bombed upsets him because its too easy to misinterpret what Im telling him. I have gotten in the habit of *trying* to wait and tell him things in person. He told me I tend to consider his feelings more when were talking in person. I experience some bpd traits and have learned this in the 6 years we've been together. I am also fairly defensive for no reason and have a skewed perception of the world when I get into an episode. Plus bringing up problems before bedtime is never smart. (Tool me 5 years to learn this!) Its all about learning the other persons responses and adjusting accordingly.

[lido78]

On the anger versus volume issue...he does speak very loudly when he's on the phone with his family and I usually have to go to another room...but this is different...he kind of gets in an anger trance...He becomes completely illogical. For example, I was trying to let him know that the text message was strange and he said..."Well then, you should have known it wasn't me...do I talk like that? I don't think so." He said it in a very sarcastic way, so I calmly said "But, I got a text from your phone...yes, it was strange syntax, but who else should I have thought it was from if I were not aware of the auto-reply feature?" It was as if, once we figured out hours later that the phone had sent the message, it would have changed my initial reaction...meaning, my reaction before we'd figured it out....When I try to explain this to him, he accuses me of beating a dead horse.

I get that men HATE to over-talk stuff. I thought we were having a conversation, but he just got angrier...eh...I don't think it's really a cultural difference (he's been here almost 20 years) but it may be a gender difference.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by lido78

I get that men HATE to over-talk stuff. I thought we were having a conversation, but he just got angrier...eh...I don't think it's really a cultural difference (he's been here almost 20 years) but it may be a gender difference.

I have never heard of the term "over-talk" at all.

I know the term "over-communicate", and it is used in corporations to prevent mis-communication. But even in corporations it is used sparingly, because on the other hand, over-communication causes "fatigue" - people stop responding when they are bombarded with incoming messages.

That "over-communication" is not always a good thing applies equally to men and women.