Honest question?

IATE!!!
Exactly, my personal sentiments!!! I get that there are women, that pursue, that's fine, not judging, but I personally rather a man doing the asking out! And there's absolutely nothing wrong with this being integral in your own personal moral code! This belief, makes you, you! And I am not the only one, who feels this way.

I really hope, you stay true to this belief system! It's not the easy road, by no means, but IATE, when you consider it, your past, your personal scars, esteem, etc. Wouldn't you, personally feel better about the dynamics of the relationship, knowing, in your heart, that you were desired enough to be pursued?!

I know, I do. I've only asked, out, one man in my life. That one lasted 2 years, but somewhere, deep down, I often wondered, if he was with me for convenience or with me because he truly wanted to be with me.

You are worthy of that!! Someone wanting to be with you! And showing it to you, by asking! Deep down, I feel it does something to the dynamics of their egos, but I digress.

You are a woman, that seems to know what you want, or at least are step by step closer to knowing your inner value system, and I admire this statement from you, very much!

If I didn't have such a hard time with rejection, then I wouldn't mind it so much to ask someone out myself. But it really should be somewhere near 50/50 between women and men. And a lot of men seem angry and put off if you try to make the first move. Like, how dare I express that I'm developing feelings for someone? Does it make a guy feel less masculine or something? Or is it because it's me and they're upset that it isn't some beautiful, skinny model expressing their interest in them?!

What really, really bothers me is that in college there was this other girl that had a similar personality to me (although she may have been a bit more outgoing). And I wasn't really jealous of her or anything...I mean, she was really nice and I sort of had a crush on her for a while. But anyway, I'm more jealous about the fact that all the guys would completely ignore the fact that I existed and were all over her even when she wasn't single nor interested. And it was completely because she was naturally very skinny and I'm not. Nor could I ever be that skinny—my bone structure is too big.

It's ALL about how you look. You won't even exist for someone to get to know you unless you're skinny and look like a model. It's disgusting. It's about how quick and easy you are too...now I'm not trying to judge other people's clothing choices and life choices, but no one should have to dress in such a way that is provocative (unless they want to) in order to "exist" to guys or at least exist as a sexual being. I think that's it—I'm not perceived as a sexual being. But I should be able to stay covered up and not be ignored because of that. Why am I such a lesser being for not wanting to have sex immediately...for not personally wanting to flaunt my body...for not being the skinniest girl in the freaking room.

So is it because I'm intimidating, I'm too smart, I'm not skinny enough (I'm average, not fat), I don't act sexually enough, I don't dress sexually enough, or all of the above? I'm convinced it must be my personality though since people say I'm pretty or compliment me on my hair, but don't even want to be friends with me.

That's kind of a screwed up world view there. Basically you're saying that men should be the one to pursue because women are valuable enough to be pursued. So by implication, you are saying that men are not valuable enough. Women are too good to have to lower themselves to asking someone out and risking rejection? That should be the man's job because men are too worthless to pursue, right?

wow I dunno about the world view being skewed so much as your interpretation of it. I didn't read any of that into what she said at all. Interesting.

You and I have had this disagreement, before. My opinion is not screwed up, and I don't appreciate your judgment of how I view the world. You have your views, I have mine.

I never said, it was about avoiding risking rejection. I in fact said something different.

It's an old fashioned world view, to which I can so choose to have!

You yourself, have stated, in the past, that you feel women need to put more and more effort.

Then again, look at your personal situation, and look at mine.

Yes, they do seem put off, for trying to make the first move, this does happen in this world! Not all, but many! That's what I meant about an ego thing.

Is it because you are intimidating, due to intelligence?! I've been told, I can be intimidating to talk to, because of my intelligence. That, does happen. (ego, again, hun)

I'm sure, it's not the skinny thing. Been on both sides of the coin. One need not dress provocatively to get attention. It's exuding confidence, that get's one noticed.

I didn't realize how much attention I could receive from men, until in my thirties. I've been referred to as a neck breaker now, by some really intelligent men, too. I dress conservatively, if that puts it into perspective.

I put effort into expressing my feelings, approaching guys etc....more than any guy ever did towards me. And I always seemed to get punished—mocked or ignored. So, no, I don't think I should be putting in any more effort.

In an ideal world, it should be pretty 50/50, but if guys want all the control, the people whose attitude towards who approaches whom in dating you should be upset by is the attitude of other guys. Guys can't expect women to put more effort in and then get upset when they do.

So, I just keep hoping that I meet a girl so I don't have to deal with this BS on top of normal relationship BS.

It wasn't due to just intelligence that I was intimidating. After I got sick and tired of being pushed around by the guys I had the displeasure to be around, I made sure they knew that I would f-ing kill them if they messed with me. Even the big "tough" guys who I never could physically take down were afraid of me.

I'm not really like that anymore...although that's mainly because I don't need to use death threats to get guys to treat me with some level of respect or at least shut up and listen to me. However, I'm sure at this point, you can see it in my eyes and guys probably instinctively know that messing with me is like messing with a cat—be nice to me and I'll be nice back, but mess with me and you will see claws.

Exactly, that too! I've been there, closer to teens and early 20's, but yes!!

Yes, that was the age I was like that too.

But even when I went to grad school and people were respectful and nice to me, I expressed interest in a guy (although it was probably too soon, but still...) and in the course of that it escalated into him texting very hurtful things and I've never been able to get over that.

So, basically after that I was done. Then I met the one guy who was ever really worth anything to me, but I had to let it go because it would have freaked him out...I could tell he was highly intimidated by me and possibly even afraid of me. I was not in my right mind during that time anyway and wasn't very safe to be around...but now it's too late. And I hate myself so much for not being able to do anything back then and then for not continuing to try to contact him. I assumed that him not returning a text was him saying that he didn't want to talk to me. I know he was busy, but you're never too busy to talk to someone eventually if you really want to talk to them.

And now it's over, before it even began. I lost the one person I could have been with without ever getting to experience what it's like to be with someone.

If you believe in the concept of a soulmate, it's like if you were to meet your soulmate but never got to even go on a date with them and they ended up with someone else and you were alone the rest of your life because no one else is him.

I can't get over him no matter how hard I try. I haven't talked to him or seen him in so long and that usually gets rid of the feelings, but not this time and I just can't risk trying to contact him again just in case he's with someone as everything that's already broken in me will never be repaired.

I understand your perspective and while I know it may seem that way a lot of the time, please don't jump to that conclusion. Do you really have the perception that all men are this way? I won't argue that a lot of them are, but hun please understand, it's not all of them. I was married to my wife 13 years and married her as she was even at the time, a bit overweight. There are decent men out there that are capable of seeing beyond that.

You just need to find the men that don't think superficially and want to know you... for all thta you are :/ i mean the thing is, after all this is about finding the right man not finding one that will want you in bed after the first date anyway! the same men that ignore you or don't notice you are the ones that aren't worth even worrying about anyway, they are the ones that think with the wrong "part" of their body and therefore aren't very good long term partners anyway!

I think sex should be a mutual thing, but there are times when one of the partners are just not in the mood or are tired, especially if they suffer from depression. I sometimes don't feel like having sex, and my husband doesn't pressure me into it. I do worry sometimes if i don't give him sex he will look elsewhere but he says he doesn't mind my situation, meaning my mental illness. I do have to say i sometimes have sex because i feel obligated, and in the end i am happy i did have sex with him afterards because i feel rejuvinated .

Another problem I was just reminded of after reading another thread is that I'm attracted to a type of guy who doesn't really exist in western culture—at least not that would be interested in a girl.

What I wrote on the other thread was:

"I like guys who aren't complete morons, who treat me like a person, and actually legitimately listen to and care about what I have to say. I also prefer an "average" body—not super skinny and not muscular. I also don't like it if they're much taller than me or very masculine (i.e. the less body hair, more effeminate the face, etc. the better). Oh and no facial hair—ick. I'll make an exception if the hair's just on the chin or something and nowhere near his lips"

So basically there's been a few guys that may have been nice and respectful enough but because they were too masculine or had too much facial hair etc., I just couldn't make myself be physically attracted to them. The one time I kissed a guy, he had a little bit of facial hair (like a tiny, tiny bit as we were both younger teens...I believe he was 14 at the time) and that just ruined it...I lost all attraction for him.

I often find myself emotionally attracted to a guy but have a hard time becoming physically attracted to that guy and even if I do, I'm afraid that if anything were to happen between us, I'd lose that attraction.

And before you say it, I'm not gay (most likely bi though)...because otherwise why would I be emotionally (and romantically) attracted to guys?

sex should be a mutual thing, both of you should want it at the same time else it will not be fully enjoyable to either party. forced sex is rape even if it is forced by your partner! remember you always have the right to say no!
the best way around any anxieties you have is to talk them through with your partner before sex is in the picture, if they are not willing to go at your pace then they are not worth bothering with. there are many more 'fish in the sea' who will treat you the way you wish to be treated.