I don't know where to start

I am living with my ex who is also the father of my two youngest kids(who are now adults), we have had a strange and strained relationship from beginning, we had only been together a few months when i learned I was expecting our son he was 19 and I 25, I had two small children and had been through a very damaging breakup a couple years before meeting him.now travel through 25 years of him becoming a big time drug user, working here and there, girlfriends at every turn, some jail time.
Me an alcoholic, single parent, welfare for years, trying to hold on to him when I could we had a daughter when our son was 3. I just loved this man and still do.
I did however love my children and realized they had to come first,so I went to school took care of my mom and four kids, worked part time, he helped now and then, as time went on I definitely had my moments of breaking down,losing it, messing up bad but got myself together, by myself.I worked hard 2 or 3 jobs at a time and after years of abuse I become clean from alcohol and cigarettes.
I find out after his last jail stay 6 years back he went through a program and got clean, even stopped smoking! and believe me if you knew him it truly was a miracle, well through this process he and a female coworker become very close and after a year or so he marries her. it lasts a year or so and ends in divorce.I hear he is very sad and when I hear the details I feel hurt for him (you see I have never stopped loving him) we talk we get together and he moves in, I have a great job , he is working seems like it just fell into place like so many things I had worked so hard for and been so patient for,well it did not last long he said he could not get over his ex wife, and I who have had health problems mental and physical( I actively receive care and have for years) started trying to deal and fix things, I told him I can be patient and give him time (I did bring up past issues sometimes and that bothered him)things spiraled down down, I lost my job and was on unemployment(now waiting on disability) he has stayed here because he says we are his family but he has a girlfriend in another State he says it just happened, they see each other once a month, he told me today he will probably eventually move to where she is. I feel like I live in a nightmare that is getting worse by the day I have lost my Mom,Dad and sister also my best friend of 27 years among some other friends and relatives who have also passed in the past 2 to 10 years . I cry , I cannot sleep no one understands (even me) why I still have feelings for this man or I should say why I hold onto any hope of a life with him! I am so lost and so lonely!

sorry for the novel!
just reaching out I cannot go on like this!!

Hello, I am Human, and welcome to Psych Central! It's hard to know why we are attracted to other people. I'm sure you realize intellectually that this guy is not dependable and feels free to cheat on you. As you say, you are lonely, so I suspect that has a lot to do with it.

You have really worked hard to get your life together, and I think you should feel proud of yourself for that. It is unfortunate that you lost your job.

Is there anyone in real life that you can talk to about him and your losses? Perhaps some sort of grief counselor or other counselor? Sometimes clinics offer relatively cheap sessions for people based on their income (or lack of). I think that might help you to work through some things and get a new start.

Meanwhile, I hope other people here will have some ideas for you.

I have been going to counseling for many things, and am trying to really work on my attachment to him as I go back and forth with feeling like I just want him gone and then worrying about him and feeling like we are meant to be together!
I talked to the counselor about the relationship between my mom and dad growing up and I believe as does she that this has a lot to do with it.
That and I am an introvert , I am very sensitive and even more so at this time.
I need to get out and go to some depression groups going next Thursday if I can I broke and mutilated my ring toe on right foot, the only pain meds I have are Tramadol and I take effexor so that concerns me , My doc saw red flag warning but said never saw an incident.
I have always had depression and anxiety but now my body is in constant pain from fibromyalgia I just want to pull through this get better, be here for my kids and grand kids , find real friends!!!!!what the heck is wrong with me!!!!!

hoping beyond hope to stop feeling like a grumpy worthless person!

This kind of unconditional love you have for him is very noble. It can be very hard to let go of someone who has been such a big part of your life and also someone who you feel you were meant to be with. My question to you though, do you ever feel that because of your unconditional love you are enabling him to treat you and your family so poorly?

I do and it makes me mad at my self,today I thought why am I allowing this treatment, why is this causing such pain, I am starting to see that certain events caused this unraveling of me, losing him again and job. I am mentally and physically not well sleeping all day, crying, not eating, not bathing. I feel like gollum.
I am praying that I can just pull myself up every night I say tomarrow will be different!

It seems like you blame yourself for a lot of what is happening to you. I don't know your situation that well but I can guarantee that this is not all your fault. This man you are involved with seems to be a big part of the problem too don't you think? You are part of the problem too, but you don't need to take responsibility for his part.

When we live in guilt and regret it's like we're locking ourselves up in prison, like we're punishing ourselves, and therefore not allowing ourselves to move on. Do you feel like you cannot forgive yourself? You don't deserve to be punished.

After all you've been through and how you've pulled yourself together, in spite of the latest loss of your job, I think that you deserve better. he is causing grief and turmoil in your life now and it's not right.

I don't care that he's the father of your children. He's manipulating you with guilt to let him stay there but the fact is you're not married and heck he even has a gf in another state! If you were together, sure, you should live together for your kids but considering he's not your partner as a husband or bf even, he should NOT be living there. It's not YOUR responsibility to take care of his shelter at all.

In addition think about this. One might argue that it's good that both parents live under the same roof but I will say this. Only if they are actually a couple otherwise no. Waht kind of confusing picture do you think you paint for your kids by housing their father, even though, by every definitiion is someone else's significant other? It's like you're condoning cheating -- in their eyes of course-- because they see mom and dad but "dad has a girlfriend somewhere". it's not a good thing.

I think you should boot his butt out and get your life in order once again. You've proven you can already! I think honestly you can attribute some of the reasons you've succeeded in the past is because you WEREN'T attached to him! I don't know all the details but from the short bit I know I am gonna guess that he's a big part of the chaos in your life.

This is the thing when I lost my job due to ongoing illness (have fought my wholelife with depression,anxiety,migraines the list goes on)always had decent jobs and pushed myself very hard to be there and be a good worker, When ex arrived this time I think I had my head in lala land or something.I actually made things worse by asking him to move in.
When I lost my job and was unable to find anything while on unemployment we were all getting along fine (kids are adults now, our son and his wife and grandkids,live upstairs) I was happy he could make up for some lost time with his children and he was so much different.
Now we are at the point where my medical situation is worse and I have no Income so he is paying 50% of rent and other bills which I appreciate, I just wished he would have waited till he was out of here before he started a new relationship, It hurts me because I do not know what I did and I have told him above all his children and grand children should be #1 . He is a hard worker and helps so this is why I am hard on myself ! I need to get over the fact that he will never be with me. Yes I love him and thats OK but I am so hurt,raw, lonley and disgusted with myself right now every day I feel like why did I wake up! then I look around I see my babies and grandbabies even my cats and I know I have at least 50 million or more heartbeats just for them, so I don't think its all my fault I just dont know what the F to do while I am waiting for damn disability payments tokick in.
I need to pick myself up WHY IS IT SO HARD

found out he bought her an engagement ring and I feel like i want to die WTF is wrong with me????????

Get away from this person, i know you love him, but you have to love yourself first before you can really love someone else. To me it sounds like someone else said he is manipulating you with guilt and it is not your responsibility to take care of him when he should be taking care of himself first too.

For some reason I have reached a point in my life,that I feel the need to hang on this persons view of me ? I need to find myself. I have been very physically ill and I feel like he is the only one I have but I do not have him and he is making things worse and so am I by even giving a damn! he called me a drug addict because of prescribed meds! Why did all the people I had loving relationships with die! I love and adore my babies but I cannot depend on them I just lay in bed more than half the time hurting and crying, he is here for monetary support for family at this time and no more I need to keep my distance and realize he has his own problems, I need to go out more it is hard! I am suprised I have not started drinking again! But I knowhow much further down I would go!

No sense in wasting your valuable time and efforts for someone that is already emotionally gone. He's simply taking advantage and spoiled. Alcohol does nothing but make it worse and shield you from recovering. You should start an online dating profile, if nothing else it would provide you with people to talk to or even meet
You're worth more than him.

I am going to start keeping myself buzy and working on my attitude so I do not carry it to the next relationship,had a productive day today!and I will join a dating service! like you said start with talking and take it from there
!

I have been in bed for all today, I push myself and end up hurting physically and mentally,sometimes I wonder why im here feels like I am just a burden

You are taking the blame for what he is doing and has done. These are his choices and you need not be disgusted with yourself. Thing is, you took him in and gave him a chance, there is nothing disgusting about that at all. He is the terrible person in this situation 100%. Everything you did was out of love, everything he seems to do is out of selfishness. All of it. He did it to please himself, make himself happy, and allthat in spite of you and the family. Period.

The responsibility you need and have owned up to is that you made a mistake in taking him in but that is all you should burden as your doing.

End it as soon as you possibly can. You'll be able to pick yourself up faster without him there.