[molly5252]

It had been seven months since my ex boyfriend of four years ended our relationship. We still mantained contact with each other the whole time up until recentlly. When we first met we deicided to move in together right away. I had problems with him from the start always wanting to go out and drink or smoke pot. It seemed to me like that was important first and formost. after living together for a year we ended up breaking up for a while because of these issues. After his calls and expressing wanting to get back together I did. I ended up moving to another town to be with him. This was the start of the most depressing time of my life. When I moved to the new town I was under the impression that he had a job already. But shortly after he was fired for stealing. I ended taking a job fulltime working night shift so we could afford to live. I was unable to really make new friends as it was hard to go out working night shift. We had a bad arguement one day and I had tried to kill myslef because I felt that he was all that I had. We moved on from that I thought, but no. A year and a half later he started parting all the time again. Shortly after this he came home one night and broke up with me. He said that he has not wanted to be with me since I had tried to kill myslef. He did not know why he stayed with me. He went on this parting binge every night spent all the money he had. Then had to move back home with his parents. This was seven months ago. The whole time this last seven months we still talked, he always said that he did not know if he loved me and he did not know if he wanted to be with me. But it was ok for us to have sex occasionally. I found out shortly after christmas that he was seeing someone else and I was very hurt by this I could not belive that he actually was. He then told me to move on with my life. That my feelings were not normal. Now I am left feeling like nothing, like I am not a person at all. Any of the friends we had when we were together don't care to talk to me any more. I feel terrible I am not sure what to do. He has expressed a desire to be friends but it only seems like he wants that when he wants something from me. It is almost like I have no self worth and I feel like nothing without him in my life help please.

[FearsomeAnna]

(((((((Molly)))))))))

Molly, you don't know this yet but you just had the best thing in your life happen to you. You got free of an immature, cold-hearded, insensitive, manipulative dickhead. Count your blessings that you're free! Think of all the bad things you don't have to put up with now:

1)Paying for his sorry butt because he can't keep his hands out of the till. You know what? It's not your responsibilty that he stole. It wasn't and isn't your responsibility to support this thief. He made his bed, let him lay in it. Save your money and energy for yourself!

2)Getting rid of "friends" that are negative energy dumps and obviously can only be bothered to see you as an extension of your ex. These kind of people obviously aren't worth associating with either. If they can't recognize you as a separate person with your own life, THEY need their heads examined - not you!!!

3)Not being able to have your own friends because you have to work the night shift to support you two. This is nothing but manipulation - he can go party all the time while you work your *** off to support him, but God forbid you should want to have your own life. This was controlling emotional abuse, 100%.

4)Not having to put up with constant drinking, partying and pot smoking. If he had had any respect for you, Molly, he would have toned it down or stopped all together. My fiance is in college still (he's 21) and was one hell of a partier when I first met him (I'm 23). I asked him to cool it because we were getting too old for that HS/beginning of college partying crap - and you know what, he did! A good man who loves you will respect your opinion even if he may not agree - not flout your feelings in your face by going out and doing what you hate most all the time.

5)Supressing your feelings because he might break up with you for them. I am very sorry that you felt it got to the point where there was no way out for you but suicide - but to dump you for it? That tells me that your problems had nothing to do with his decision and he was more than likely getting tail on the side at that point. How else could he have done it, the weasel? Can you imagine how this would have sounded? Actually, do imagine it to put it in perspective and to remind yourself what a sleazeball he is:

"Molly, I know you've put up with my immature, incessant drinking and pot smoking for all these years. You've sacrificed everything you've known for me and I treat you like [censored]. You love me so much that you were willing to end your life because I was all you had and I made it that way. I have no personal courage to tell you that I'm seeing someone else who hasn't started to see through me yet - she's a great lay, but I'll take you on the side when I have a chance because you're willing. I'm saying that it's over because you tried to commit suicide. Actually it's over because I'm a total shithead that can't put up with any form of maturity or sense near me."

6)Being told your feelings are abnormal. Molly, dear, I'm going to be frank here. You were emotionally abused and taken for a fool. This is simply another method to bring your self-esteem lower so he has more control over you later - I will bet you that as soon as he's done with his current piece of ***, he'll come running back to you. And because he's made you feel like dirt, he thinks you'll take him back because he'll say things like "you don't understand" or "I'm so sorry" or any host of other things that will get you to sleep with him again. This isn't about love. It's about sex and control.

You don't mention how old you are, but in either case it's clear you are way too mature to be with a lout like this one. I think you know it, too and that is why you feel so bad - you can't figure out how you let this guy rip yourself to little shreds. You CAN get that strength back. Absolutely. I would suggest that you get to a therapist as quick as possible and start talking about how to rebuild your self worth. In the meantime, enjoy your time alone. Enjoy how good it feels to do something that ISN'T for somebody else for once. Enjoy not having the destructiveness of drinking and drugs in your home. Enjoy doing things on your own terms. Do volunteer work - I love Habitat for Humanity - where else can you take out aggression and help a deserving person at the same time? It's a great place to meet people of all ages, large and small. Enjoy making new friends without his spectre looming in the background. Enjoy working and getting to keep ALL of the paycheck. Go shopping!

But whatever you do, stay away from men at this point. There are good, kind, decent, wonderful men out there. I dated my share of jerks for awhile and it wasn't until I took a lot of time off from dating and learned more about myself and what I wanted that I met my fiance - we've been together nearly two years and he's my best friend and the love of my life. However, you need to get yourself fixed first. A relationship is not made up of two halves of people - it's made up of two WHOLE people. You don't want to make this mistake again. Think of this as a great big expensive wakeup call that serious change, but GOOD change must be made in your life - and then Joe Schmo's like your ex don't even stand a CHANCE with you. Kick them to the curb like the undeserving trash that they are.

Keep posting, Molly - I want to be your friend, even if it's not in person. I would love to talk to you more - it sounds very much like you have a good head on your shoulders, but that jerk has let you forget how to use it. I want to be friends with that person!! She's in there! I know it! LOL - PM me anytime, dear - I'd be glad to chat.

Anna

some of it's magic
some of it's tragic
but i had a good life all the way......
~jimmy buffett

[molly5252]

Anna, my name is Amiee, molly is my pet cat. I am twenty three as well. It was very nice of you to take time to respond to my post. It must seem very over whelming. You are defiantly right about a lot of the things you said. I will be reading what you wrote over and over because that is the type of stuff I need to be telling myself. I have just been having a hard time staying strong and I do need to rebuild myself. I just don't know were to begin. I also made an appointment with a counselor. That won't be for another week and a half. I need to do everything possible to move on, it has just been hard.

[FearsomeAnna]

Aimee,

I sent you a private message - the next time you log on or come back to the site (if you're already logged on) you'll see a flashing little envelope to the left of the Main Index link. Talk to you soon!

Anna

some of it's magic
some of it's tragic
but i had a good life all the way......
~jimmy buffett

[dexter]

Hi amiee

I didn't reply to your message at first because I knew what I wanted to say but didn't know how to say it. Anna put it all down PERFECTLY. I'm glad that you like her advice.

There are two EXCELLENT things that you are doing for yourself right now. Seeing a counselor to get you the help you need is a must. You have recognized that the problem is not that there is something wrong with you, but rather something wrong with your ex that has caused you a lot of grief. A counsellor will help you work through that and get your strength and self confidence back.

The second great thing is reading Anna's post over and over. You were filled with a lot of false, negative messages by your ex. One great way to "fix" that is to repeat positive messages to replace the negative ones. Some people even like to say these affirmations out loud to reinforce them. In fact that is one of the coping skills that I learned in therapy and it doesn help.

Good luck and keep posting here! There is a great community of caring people here who understand and can share your pain and support you while you are working on rebuilding yourself.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

[rubyred]

Amiee,

Everyone has written such wonderful, helpful ideas for you. So glad you will have a counselor to share your heart's emotions.

Now a little trivia for you. A male friend of mine once said, "I don't know why a man gets upset if a woman breaks up with him. There are women everywhere!"

I for one, thought that quite profound. We as women tend to think there is this "one guy" for us, the one who is the "only one" yes?

Amiee, there are men everywhere! Someone who appreciates your sensitive soul is headed your way. Be patient. Take care of yourself.

[boing]

Anna said it all.

I knew a girl once who tried to kill herself over a guy. Years later she wondered what made her think the creep was worth dying for.

Oops, I just realized when I hit the Reply button, it addresses my post to the previous poster instead of the original poster. Don't see how to do it properly.

[molly5252]

Everyone has such great advice. But things are so much easier said then done. I have learned that people really don't care about someone who is unhappy. They just want fun people in there lives. That is not me right now. So why would anyone enjoy my company? They don't.

[rubyred]

Hello again,

There are plenty of people who do NOT want "fun people in their lives." There are people just like you, who are unhappy, and wish they had someone to talk to also. See if you can find others like yourself who have problems with men. (Is there a woman alive who has not had "problems with men?" )

Pity Parties can be a lot of fun when everyone is in the same frame of mind! They bring to light some of the thinking that makes things turn out the way they turn out. All of us have been in similar situations at one time or another. You are not alone, believe me, problems with men are the most common problems in the world for women. It beats out career problems ten to one. See if you can find some friends who want to chat with you about these things. You need support right now more than anything. One of the nice things about pity parties is that eventually they end up in laughter, especially at ourselves and our ability to get ourselves into these amazing situations.


Choices, it's all about choices.