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  #1  
Old Nov 02, 2013, 11:00 AM
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Hi there
what do you do,when you find yourself waking up in them mornings (if you slept), thinking if the situation will not change I do not know how long I will be able to hold myself in one piece.I have tried to talk to my husband for years,explain my point of view,my feelings,need to share with each other....but it ends up being eventually my mistake,my misunderstanding,my misbehavior .And I am not talking about only major situations in life..we are in the same profession and work together, I have taken the role of employee,just because there are no 2 bosses,with all due respect to him and his ability to boss and take care of business,I am the one who works at nights and days(apparently men can't go without sleep).It hurt and leaves tiny scars when he constantly mentions things like "You just do not get it how to talk,you just don't know how to behave(meaning distance myself from employees),16 years and you didn't get not to talk to me when I am in front of computer or busy.'".But he is either busy,or tired or his parents are in the room. Where do I fit?I can't keep the happy confident spoiled girl show running .I am tired and found myself wanting to live only long enough to have my kids settled,then whatever....I am not planning to Do anything,trust me). I hurt because I am too young to think that..So I am on my last resort here.What do I do guys?
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  #2  
Old Nov 02, 2013, 11:07 AM
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H3rmit H3rmit is offline
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He doesn't respect you. He's rigid and dominating. And maybe even abusive. Can you get out? I could not stay with someone I can't communicate with as an equal. But that's me.
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  #3  
Old Nov 02, 2013, 11:59 AM
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He sounds very critical, saying hurtful things. Have you mentioned to him that you feel hurt by the things that he says? Would you consider changing jobs, and work in an atmosphere that is friendlier?
  #4  
Old Nov 02, 2013, 12:30 PM
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The balance of power in this relationship seems very unfair to you. I would prepare a list of things you want to talk about and sit down and have a very frank discussion about your needs. A good way to phrase these is: I think _______. Then I feel ______. Followed up by I want ________. It is still making an assertive request, but done in a way that is not an attack which can make the other person more receptive. Perhaps suggest seeing a counselor so that there is a mediator between you and he as it seems he is verbally abusive at times. I would also let him know what you're prepared to do if the changes you're asking for aren't met so pick conseqiences and stick to them! If you feel it's worth salvaging, that's my suggestions. I hope it works out!

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  #5  
Old Nov 02, 2013, 01:04 PM
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I cannot change a job since he will not tolerate me working with a one else.we had fights about why my /our colleagues are calling my cell( which is what is done most of the time to report/consult).
He is a good man ,he takes good care of his family ,adores our 3kids ,but something feels wrong,small things like do not use your credit card but ask for money,why would your lady colleague ask to go for lunch and funnier of all why did I tell the I do not go anywhere without my husband(he sad it undermines his name??!!!!)
I do not know what to do ,sometimes I cry all the way in the car,some nights are impossible.i have tried to talk ,but again he said it is my wrong perception.how do you keep strong without anticipating finding an anchor to prevent the further drift?
Help,ideas?
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  #6  
Old Nov 03, 2013, 02:17 AM
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healingme4me healingme4me is offline
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How much longer, until the kids are settled?? I, once, felt trapped, by even the timeline of once my kids are in school, full time. That, technically, would have been two months ago.

I like what some of the other's have written here, as ways to bring it up, to your husband. I get the feeling, however, that you may have already tried, the 'talk it out' path?,.

You asked, what to do? Start planning, what you want from your life, with or without him. It's certainly, not an overnight plan.

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Thanks for this!
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  #7  
Old Nov 03, 2013, 12:20 PM
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wife22 wife22 is offline
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Hi
Plan what?
To really break my kids world and make them subject for the future problems? I don't know what is better.for example today is not a bad day: meaning ,we converse socially,took kids out to bookstore and restaurant .But things can change fast in my experience,depending on his mood and what I say if it is it understood right. It is like walking in eggshells .i am ok today,not happy but not desperate .it is hard to put in weighting what I feel nowadays .
Thanks for support , really
  #8  
Old Nov 03, 2013, 12:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wife22 View Post
Hi
Plan what?
To really break my kids world and make them subject for the future problems? I don't know what is better.for example today is not a bad day: meaning ,we converse socially,took kids out to bookstore and restaurant .But things can change fast in my experience,depending on his mood and what I say if it is it understood right. It is like walking in eggshells .i am ok today,not happy but not desperate .it is hard to put in weighting what I feel nowadays .
Thanks for support , really
Then, plan for a better future with your husband, if breaking your kids world, isn't part of the plan. One that is dependent on 'his moods'.

Many, of us here, have 'walked on eggshells', you aren't alone, there.
  #9  
Old Nov 03, 2013, 01:06 PM
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wife22 wife22 is offline
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"Then, plan for a better future with your husband, if breaking your kids world, isn't part of the plan. One that is dependent on 'his moods'. "

I have been living depending on his mood for 16 years,the problem is -there comes a point when you say " what is wrong with me that you can not respect me and accept me as a personality,why I can not make decisions I like sometimes?"
He told me once "there is no "your "identity,you are married and do what I say ,because I am right"....
just hurts,numbs up.....Oh well,i guess c'est la vie,I chose it,right?
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  #10  
Old Nov 19, 2013, 09:07 AM
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Patagonia Patagonia is offline
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I can understand way too many points in your story. My H is very dominating but would never admit that. Says I can have a say in what we do w/ our $$ (I'm s@h mom) like but groceries, but big decisions...well when I put more $$ in if have more of a say he'd tell me. In his mind he's right. In my mind I'm trash for not making enough $ & staying home w/ the kids. This is just one example.
I remember early in my marriage him telling me not to voice my opinion in public bec I didn't know what I was saying & he works in the public, small town, & his reputation is @ stake.
Now after 19 years of marriage I realize that his self-esteem is based on outside appearances. Which is why he's so committed to his job and his other activities instead of his family.

It's left me with everything else to take care of and three little kids. When I get down after I think about it if you like it come to a crossroads. There's only major changes that would affect our lives. Do I leave for the sake of myself? Or do I stay for the sake of my kids? Right now that's a terrible decision that I have to make. And I put it off. Three-year-old doesn't really understand a divorce. So I have to decide how I'm going to salvage my life. Only thing I can say is started to sock $$ away for that time for when I'm ready to make a decision. No it won't be pretty, and I know it won't be easy, but it would be something that I would have to do to save myself. You might not be ready for that decision or you might be ready for that decision. It's a big one. How committed are you to change your life and to salvage your soul? You've made a huge investment in your marriage and your kids, it's a lot to give up.
I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you that there are others out there that are in the same shoes as you. I wish you the best of luck & know there's always other people to talk to.
As for myself, today, I'm staying in limbo

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  #11  
Old Nov 19, 2013, 09:31 AM
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Trippin2.0 Trippin2.0 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wife22 View Post
I have been living depending on his mood for 16 years,the problem is -there comes a point when you say " what is wrong with me that you can not respect me and accept me as a personality,why I can not make decisions I like sometimes?"
He told me once "there is no "your "identity,you are married and do what I say ,because I am right"....

Actually, there also comes a time in your life when you say "what is wrong with me that I DON'T RESPECT ME? Why have I put up with this so long?."

There comes a time when you say "fk this shyt, this man doesn't respect me as a person, denies my right as an individual and treats me like property and I DESERVE better" and I'd say 16 years is a very long time to walk on eggshells and be at the mercy of someone else's mood. That's no way to live.


just hurts,numbs up.....Oh well,i guess c'est la vie,I chose it,right?
Its not too late to make a different choice you know, a healthier, happier one...
You say you don't want to wreck your kids lives, how is a happy healthy mother a wrecked life? Is it healthier for their wellbeing to witness mommy being ordered around? Is is good for them to watch how mommy's spirit is broken? Is it better for them to watch mommy live a miserable life when there are better options?

Is this marriage the example you want them to follow for themselves into adulthood? Should little boys grow up to be abusive, demanding, demeaning, bossy men, and little girls grow up to be property of their husbands with no will, thought or wants of her own?

Divorce doesn't equate screwing up your kids, subjecting them to a toxic marriage has a much better chance of doing that.

You deserve better, and your children deserve a happy, whole mother, not a martyr.
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"The best way to make it through with hearts and wrists in tact, is to realise, two out of three aint bad" FOB...
Thanks for this!
Anika., wife22
  #12  
Old Nov 19, 2013, 10:16 AM
ganbatte ganbatte is offline
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I was in your shoes with 4 kids under 13 years old. He was the "breadwinner" and we had an ideal life when you looked in from the outside. He had little respect for women, and our daughters were seeing him disrespect me continuously. After 14 years of never being right, of my thoughts and ideas being dismissed, of being the glue holding the entire marriage together (among other, deeper issues) and his failure to acknowledge his contribution to the demise of the relationship, I had to leave.

I left finally because I was no longer "whole" and my daughters needed me to be whole for them to develop into productive members of society. It is better to come from a broken home than to live in one.

Good luck to you, it is a tough decision.
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  #13  
Old Nov 19, 2013, 10:45 AM
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I left finally because I was no longer "whole" and my daughters needed me to be whole for them to develop into productive members of society. It is better to come from a broken home than to live in one.
Very eloquently put, thank you for sharing.
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"The best way to make it through with hearts and wrists in tact, is to realise, two out of three aint bad" FOB...
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  #14  
Old Nov 19, 2013, 12:14 PM
ganbatte ganbatte is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trippin2.0 View Post
Its not too late to make a different choice you know, a healthier, happier one...
You say you don't want to wreck your kids lives, how is a happy healthy mother a wrecked life? Is it healthier for their wellbeing to witness mommy being ordered around? Is is good for them to watch how mommy's spirit is broken? Is it better for them to watch mommy live a miserable life when there are better options?

Is this marriage the example you want them to follow for themselves into adulthood? Should little boys grow up to be abusive, demanding, demeaning, bossy men, and little girls grow up to be property of their husbands with no will, thought or wants of her own?

Divorce doesn't equate screwing up your kids, subjecting them to a toxic marriage has a much better chance of doing that.

You deserve better, and your children deserve a happy, whole mother, not a martyr.

I didn't have a chance to read your post before I made my reply... How wonderful that we were on the same page! Thank you for this
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  #15  
Old Nov 19, 2013, 03:14 PM
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wife22 wife22 is offline
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Dear Patagonia
I am sorry you have such a predicament
. I do realize how hard is it to keep up appearances outside,while suffering inside. I know I am not alone . The reason I logged to this site was desperation .i have nobody to talk to (I can't tell my one or two only friends because they know him,I can't tell me parents or brother -it will destroy them,and I definitely not my in- laws who live with us) .I needed to talk it out and maybe believe that I am not that bad and worthless. By no mean I ment to be annoying or selfish .
I want you to know and believe one thing :You Are Very Important person.you r kind , giving, flexible woman who deserved to be loved and cherished ,appreciated and respected . I do not care about showing respect in public and public ideas for my marriage ,I wish you happiness , to find yourself again , self which you somehow neglected all this years to promote your H image.
Like you said nobody can tell us what to do ,stay or leave., but whatever you decide - respect and love yourself ,cal back your inner You
Good luck and best wishes
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  #16  
Old Nov 19, 2013, 09:59 PM
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healingme4me healingme4me is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wife22 View Post
"Then, plan for a better future with your husband, if breaking your kids world, isn't part of the plan. One that is dependent on 'his moods'. "

I have been living depending on his mood for 16 years,the problem is -there comes a point when you say " what is wrong with me that you can not respect me and accept me as a personality,why I can not make decisions I like sometimes?"
He told me once "there is no "your "identity,you are married and do what I say ,because I am right"....
just hurts,numbs up.....Oh well,i guess c'est la vie,I chose it,right?
People grow. ask not what's wrong with you, that he can't respect you, but what's wrong with him, that he can't respect you.
Is this really, the life you 'chose', 16 years ago??

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Thanks for this!
Anika., Trippin2.0, wife22
  #17  
Old Nov 20, 2013, 12:58 AM
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We lived in a broken home, I fixed it when I walked out.

I left with my three children all under 5 years old. No money, no plan. It was urgent. But you know what, I have three beautiful children, teens now. Who are happy, healthy, well rounded, live in a stable loving home, and are modeled healthy relationships too.

I am a much better parent now then when I was being abused by my ex husband.

It's not you. And you always have the basic human right to make choices, change your mind, and request respect. He isn't treating you with love, someone needs to treat you with love and respect, can that person be you?

That feeling of freedom to choose things, be responsible for my own life, my own money, home. A choice to have peace in the house, no violence, freedom to laugh, have fun, have interests, friends, freedom to find a partner who loves me and treats me with respect and great care.

Freedom just to be.

I hope you can find that, because we are here once, and it is not for very long. To be robbed of living is high a price. You don't deserve to be robbed of that and neither to your children.

You do not want to loose anymore of yourself in this till you have no being left.

I am very sorry you are in this situation, but I wish you the strength and courage to find your way out.

Sometimes while we are still in it we cannot see how damaging it really is. I understand the feeling of not feeling able to leave. It would be very hard for me to advise or encourage someone in an abusive relationship to stay.

Why do you think your parents or brother would be destroyed if you confided in them?
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Last edited by Anika.; Nov 20, 2013 at 01:24 AM.
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  #18  
Old Nov 20, 2013, 03:29 AM
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wife22 wife22 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trippin2.0 View Post
Its not too late to make a different choice you know, a healthier, happier one...
You say you don't want to wreck your kids lives, how is a happy healthy mother a wrecked life? Is it healthier for their wellbeing to witness mommy being ordered around? Is is good for them to watch how mommy's spirit is broken? Is it better for them to watch mommy live a miserable life when there are better options?

Is this marriage the example you want them to follow for themselves into adulthood? Should little boys grow up to be abusive, demanding, demeaning, bossy men, and little girls grow up to be property of their husbands with no will, thought or wants of her own?

Divorce doesn't equate screwing up your kids, subjecting them to a toxic marriage has a much better chance of doing that.

You deserve better, and your children deserve a happy, whole mother, not a martyr.
Dear Trippin
i did not see several posts before 9computer glitch?0
Anyway,thank you for your words. YOu are right ,I do not want my daughters and son to have my type of "happiness",which is seeming,elusive.One day we are Ok,the other he is barely speaking,some other I am at fault for everything. I suppose he loves me in his own way,he wants us to go out on/off,he makes effort to have few short vacations a year with kids,he adores kids.Everyone had fights in marriage,I am not alone, its just the feeling that something is wrong,that i have to be careful what to say,
NOw after 16 years,when he and my daughters (12,14) have disagreement,I start thinking"do not do this to kids, you already killed something inside me,please do not do this,"I actually told him to go easier on daughters, to listen to them,after my older one complaint that she hates feeling secluded and neglected emotionally from him,she feels dismissed. It sounded so hurtfull and so familial that I had to talk to him :well,that became a big problem,apparently I have no idea how to bring up kids....what I am trying to say is I am trying hard to ,frankly convincing myself, that I am fine,but in the evenings and many time during the day Anxiety is building up ,insomnia,and so on.Its like something big ,important is missing,and I am shutting myself down not to go into desperate vortex,which completely drains me.
So, in answer to your question I do not want my kids to feel this way,this is not happiness,though i realize it can be much worse. But somewhere deep inside me I told myself ,if he behaves one more time like that(with hatred in eyes,barely holding himself to to hit me,completely destroying me ) i will leave. I am confused .
  #19  
Old Nov 20, 2013, 04:03 AM
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wife22 wife22 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anika. View Post
We lived in a broken home, I fixed it when I walked out.

I left with my three children all under 5 years old. No money, no plan. It was urgent. But you know what, I have three beautiful children, teens now. Who are happy, healthy, well rounded, live in a stable loving home, and are modeled healthy relationships too.

I am a much better parent now then when I was being abused by my ex husband.

It's not you. And you always have the basic human right to make choices, change your mind, and request respect. He isn't treating you with love, someone needs to treat you with love and respect, can that person be you?

That feeling of freedom to choose things, be responsible for my own life, my own money, home. A choice to have peace in the house, no violence, freedom to laugh, have fun, have interests, friends, freedom to find a partner who loves me and treats me with respect and great care.

Freedom just to be.

I hope you can find that, because we are here once, and it is not for very long. To be robbed of living is high a price. You don't deserve to be robbed of that and neither to your children.

You do not want to loose anymore of yourself in this till you have no being left.

I am very sorry you are in this situation, but I wish you the strength and courage to find your way out.

Sometimes while we are still in it we cannot see how damaging it really is. I understand the feeling of not feeling able to leave. It would be very hard for me to advise or encourage someone in an abusive relationship to stay.

Why do you think your parents or brother would be destroyed if you confided in them?
Anika
I am sorry you went through all that,but happy that you did find peace and stability. I can only imagine how difficult that was: it takes someone brave t do that.YOu gave your kids chance to choose the right path.
In answer to your question: i did want to leave him when my first was born,2 years into marriage,after he verbally abused my mom who was staying with us(his parents always lived with us ) to help with newborn,because it happened that I had pneumonia,delivered 2 days prior to exam which I could not reschedule. Anyway,my mom had nowhere to go, she lives overseas ,no other relatives here.MAke it short he told her to get out,so i wanted to leave,but my mom insisted that I have nothing to do with her and "be by your husband,do not fight b/o me".I do suspect lot of what happened that and many other days had to do with his parents.To clarify and be honest ,I had anorexia when married,but he didn't see me for little less then year,so he was shocked to see me below skinny scale.That is when problems started and evolved into ugly web of :your parents wanted to get rid of you,you miscarried because of you know what,...It was ugly,involved every aspect of our life,mix in the fact that his sister has congenital abnormality(cosmetic only),and everything is perceived by them as a potential insult,they are very suspicious. So life was miserable,but somehow i was trying to understand their and his point, and took mom's advise to stick to my new family. All this years my parents new only inevitable events and not the whole scoop,I cant break it to them ,that I do feel unhappy,incomplete. My H is a good man,but he was never first concern in his family b/o sister's problem,and his parents are very authoritative and demanding in a way,controlling (good people though,again hit by daughter's problem) almost all aspects of his and our life.I think if things would have been different with me ,his sister ....maybe we would be OK.I am mumbling here,sorry.I am trying not to diminish him,but be objective to all of them,They love me in their own way. Now things are calmer then years ago,(not a weekly eruption),but there is a feeling ,that fight/"talk" is just behind the corner ,waiting for me to do something wrong,it is matter of time.
I am sorry,I promised myself not to write a long post and not to reveal much,I do not want to be annoyance ,so sending this without rereading
thank you again
Be HAPPY,wish you the best
  #20  
Old Nov 20, 2013, 04:09 AM
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wife22 wife22 is offline
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[quote=ganbatte;3407030]I was in your shoes with 4 kids under 13 years old. He was the "breadwinner" and we had an ideal life when you looked in from the outside. He had little respect for women, and our daughters were seeing him disrespect me continuously. After 14 years of never being right, of my thoughts and ideas being dismissed, of being the glue holding the entire marriage together (among other, deeper issues) and his failure to acknowledge his contribution to the demise of the relationship, I had to leave.

I left finally because I was no longer "whole" and my daughters needed me to be whole for them to develop into productive members of society. It is better to come from a broken home than to live in one.

HI Ganbatte
I do agree with you about coming from but not living in broken home.
I hope you did find yourself and regained your self esteem.I wish you the best,be happy,and same to your kids. As for me I am still in limbo trying to figure things out,because he has both behaviors,but still I AM missing something important which he does not seem to realize
thank you,best wishes
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