What next...?

Just still going on with my relationship...
Seems impossible to leave... It has improved - My L is kinder now - not exactly kinder but he doesn't use abusive words anymore but I keep feeling like he is treating me as a criminal - someone who's under constant watch 24x7 - I don't have time for myself at all .. It is okay if things were good and we had only occasional fights but, he isn't going to be over my past and says that till we get married, he will go behind my past as he has the right to(???? really ???).. He said that we can live all we want after marriage but now he wants to make sure I am trustworthy and he keeps asking me to prove that I am where I say I am if he is not with me..
Sometimes I kind of believe him and submit to all he asks... At least he isn't using abusive words anymore - but I am scared to be with him... I want to leave - only then I know that I can do something proper with my life - but I am scared and don't know how to

There is one sure way to leave. Leave. Tell him you will not live with his rules and distrust anymore and go. You have done nothing wrong. He is being unreasonable and using your past as an excuse to control you. If you had a perfect past he would find something else to focus on to keep you under his control. He will not flick a magic switch and change on your wedding day. It doesn't work like that.

If you don't have anywhere to go, call a women's shelter. They will help you. You do not have to manage your exit alone.

Please please don't marry this person believing that that will take you from misery to happiness. It will only lock you into the misery. What he is now is what he will always be, unless he actually recognised he's abusive and sought help. His control and surveillance and mistrust and humiliation of you is abusive, and is not the foundation for a partnership, let alone a married life together.

Please love and care for yourself enough to look at your situation honestly. There are people there who will help you, and we love you.

Talking over things. Why is it sooooo hard to leave even if we know that a relationship is toxic I know I am not the only one like this. On one hand, I feel terribly depressed about giving up my love and I am also scared that every guy will turn out to be the same, even worst (he said that no guy in the world will accept a girl with a past - if he did, he's a cheater). On the other hand, I don't want to lose out on my life.

Anyways, he said that if we had to move to different locations at work, he can't be with me. I am trying to get into another location as soon as I can, without telling him. I am making things easier for me. Fingers crossed that I can survive. For now, I can't think of marriage and love - I am depressed to that extent.

Your fear is llogical, its emotinally charged and not based on any type of reality. Not all men are the same, or we would all be in your shoes right now.

Secondly, your bf just admitted that he's a cheater, he's dating you (with a past) afterall.

Everyone has a past, everyone of us except a newborn, so maybe your bf should get betrothed to a newborn! Some of us have pasts that we aren't proud of either, pasts that make you look like a nun. But we choose to be with men who love, respect and accept who we are now, in the present.

Men who have zero interest in who or what was before them, men who understand that its NONE of their business and that it isn't relevant to them in anyway...

Why oh why you continue to ALLOW this to keep you chained to this man, I just don't understand.

Its difficult to leave I know that first hand, endings are always sad, no matter the circumstance, but they lead to new brighter beginnings. The longer you put off leaving, the less opportunities you create for new beginnings.

Go back home to your folks, they sound like good people.

Please, if you do leave, don't forget to leave silently, I got the crap beaten out of me because I didn't know about the silent bit. When he's at work, pack your stuff and go home, home where people love you and want the best for you. You have nothing to gain by sacrificing yourself in this relationship. Nothing.

Two quotes come to mind.

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein

"The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them."
Maya Angelou

I'm not familiar with your entire background. Was there something that you did during your relationship that gave him reason to not trust you? Or is this something about his nature?

I'm going to guess, as you say "the past" that he's just a suspicious person and paranoid. What you did in your past does not count for what you are doing now. Let the past be the past, unless you've actually broken the trust with him in the first place, then it is indeed hard to get over.

Going from that assumption, first off, he does NOT have any rights to your information unless you give it to him. he has no right to be watching your every move. On top of that your going with him on that and letting him be this way is only encouraging him to do so more. Do you think it will end like he promises when you're married? Hell NO. I can promise you, unless he gets help with his paranoia and trust issues, it will continue well into the marriage.

Very well said, Trippin

One of my doctors, uses the expression "It's only an illusion."

"All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in it's own way." ~Leo Tolstoy

Hi Trippin - No he said that he is not a cheater as he couldn't accept my past yet... But that anyone guy who can accept a girl's past will be a cheater for sure. I am no staying with him - I stay with parents but he lives close to my place and I need to see him at work everyday. I am just no good at breaking up - I have no one here to emotionally support me. Everyday he knows that I am totally frustrated and irritated to the core... But yes... I am just slowly trying to move away - I have asked for a change in work location and I am trying to create a space to move away. We almost did breakup two nights ago, but the moment I try to say okay don't ever call me again, I get tongue-tied

No s4ndm4n2006, I have not cheated on him in any way but he considers my past as a form of cheating on him - that I have had other men in the past. To be honest, he doesn't wait for information from me - he asks everyone connected with my past including my exes and their friends - and then proceeds to ask me to verify. And he needs to be informed of what I am doing 24X7.

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. It seems to be that you obviously love this guy very much. But again he is really not respecting you in anyway what so ever, and looks all awfully familiar that he is trying to blackmail you, there is bound to be more to come.

Have you spoken to anyone in your close circle or a close family member about it? Are there anyone else that you can actually stay with for a while until you figure out the situation? Don't loose yourself in all these and put yourself down, you must be stronger then him! But yes don't get into any direct confrontation with him because it's really not worth having an argument with someone like that. Be quiet about your plans to leave if you have any, then run as fast as you can and don't even let him know where you are.

I hope you will get the best solution out of this very soon! Thankfully, you are still yet married!

Hi Jeannie, No I haven't spoken to anyone I have people who love and care for me but I have shut them out completely whilst being with him and now - it feels weird to ask for help when I wasn't there for them for so long. He has suggested marriage in many ways but I have so far said no to all of them and said I need to wait. He even said that if I didn't marry him, I shouldn't marry at all - or I should marry someone my parents choose and should never get into a love marriage, else he'll reveal my past to the world ... Hmmm... I am going to try to say calmly that things won't work out today... Fingers crossed that he doesn't do anything rash n stupid which could harm me or my folks in any way...

Classic threat, to expose you to the world!!
But, if they don't say what they mean, and mean what they say, then fat chance he'll do that. He'll just sound like a bitter, rejected ex.

Staying for fear, of his threats of exposure, is no reason, to stay.



The other thread, a man from your area, alluded, that not all men are like that...caring about past, in a cruel way....
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This sounds like an unhealthy relationship, he should accept you for who you are now, and everyone makes mistakes, and by the way, what's HIS past too? If he can't trust you, he probably can't trust himself!!! I hope and pray you leave, you deserve better and there are better men out there.

While he's certainly entitled to his misconceptions on the definition of cheating, the truth is, it's entirely unfair. Although you may not believe in the bible, I believe the part that says "he who is free of sin, cast the first stone" applies here. I mean there isn't anyone, not a single person that doesn't have a past of their own and I guarantee his isn't blemish free. I'm sorry but this guy seems to me like a controlling, judgemental and arrogant [word redacted].

No matter how you look at it, no matter what you did, it was before him and how do you cheat on a man if you aren't even yet with him? WTF? He is completely in lala land here to be completely honest with you and two things. If he truly believes this way, then he's way to twisted to even expect a healthy relationship from and if he doesn't believe it, he's making excuses to not commit to you. Perhaps because he is not wanting to attach to ONE girl? (not that far off based on his statements and actions actually) Either way I don't see a good outcome.

You're not guilt free in regards to your life, but neither am I and neither is he. but none of that past failure should at all affect him. People grow, people change and we all make mistakes along the way. There is no winning here, you can't change the past, so his 'getting over it' is something I see as an ongoing problem til he deals with reality and comes face to face with it.

You can find a better guy. Trust me.

I don't believe he will change after marriage,people do not change their personalities.If he is
accepting and forgiving man- now is the time,mistrust and constant suspicion have limits in loving relationship.I doubt he'll change

Thank u all for the support

The past few months have been such a depressing phase for me...
I love him so much that if I look at him or hear his voice, I can't say the words that I need to be away from him. Even today, I just couldn't... Again he did all he does everyday - points out that my ex dumped me, keeps asking the usual suspicious questions, etc - even then it is like - impossible.

Anyways, I am slowly getting out - I am doing things away from him - I am getting back to my own social circles, I am doing my activities and I am also searching for a different job location. Even if I can't say it - I hope that the distance will separate us. I have told him many times indirectly and directly to leave me - but he refuses... If he can't be with me and just keeps saying he is unhappy, I don't know why he doesn't leave me...

Just, I don't know how to initiate the breakup if my tongue gets tied each time I think of the words to end all this and free myself..

But one big step - in my mind I have stopped being optimistic that all this will become okay in time and I have decided that I need to get away from him as soon as I can...

Am I cheating him if I break up with him I feel like an awful personnnnnn reallyyy

He's been cheating you, by treating you the way, he has. It's no fun, being the one, to do the breaking up.

If you break up you are not cheating,if you stay you will cheat on your self esteem , your happiness.this is in no way to say stay or go ,but remember that loving ,truly loving person does not minimize or deprecate you . Love listens and respects

Breaking up - is just not easy - I just don't know how people dump and leave just like that. It is really too hard especially when he says that "I trust that you won't leave me. I know you love me" and proceeds to shower me with utmost care and kindness (Though he did call me a evil b**** when I first said the words and unfortunately I apologized for it) - What is wrong with me

In the classic "cycle of abuse" the abuser alternates between being abusive and kind for a while. This makes it harder to break up with him, one is pleased with the kindness and tempted to think that the abuser has changed when in reality he has not changed.

Run far away from this person. Things will get worse if you marry.