At the beginning of possible relationships

It was a couple men, on that past board, talking about that site. You'd be amazed, the lengths men will go through, for love.
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I've been reading the links and I understand relationships better, I think. But those are more geared towards maintaining a relationship, not starting one…I guess I don't get how I'm not able to hold a guy's attention for very long. I don't know what I'm doing wrong unless it's because I'm too honest and not just omitting everything that may even be the least bit negative from the conversations.

And I suppose I would be amazed at the lengths men will go through for love as it seems that any sort of inconvenience will turn them off. I mean, I've never even gotten to the "second date". They all realize how inconvenient or clueless I am on the first.

It just appears like I'm not worth anybody's time or effort and I don't really know why…it's in my personality to be more cynical, nihilistic, negative etc. so being overly positive is kind of "fake" for me. I'd rather not be fake, just as I'd rather be able to tell someone the truth and not lie by omission all the time, but they won't bother with me if I do.

There are men that would truly go to great lengths for the one they want and love. This is true but not necessarily every guy and even those that may go to great lengths for the right one, may not be the right one for you yet.

My suggestion would be the most difficult for you to do but it works. Stop looking outward for a man at all. work on you, be independent and content with what you have. It's hard but content, happy singles are very attractive as opposed to those of us running around looking for the right guy/girl

Hope this helps
~S4

I actually have done this in the past…for a couple years or so. Even if I liked someone, I didn't say anything nor did I really make too much of an effort to pursue them. In theory that makes sense, but in reality, I'm afraid it's going to make me look like I'm not interested in guys at all. And as I've mentioned before, a guy won't approach me or pursue me, so if I never approach or pursue a guy, I'll never date one. Which is fine I guess, but unfortunately I still have at least some sexual attraction to men, or at least some curiosity.

Also, don't content, happy singles seem unavailable? Because they have no interest in a relationship? I don't know…I just wish I was worth people's time. At least enough to where I could figure out my sexuality for sure and be able to "present myself" accordingly.

There's a difference in being a happy single, but open to relationships and being happily single, period.

I'm not closed off at all to finding someone, I'm just merely waiting. This does not mean that I'm unfriendly or closed off to the opposite sex at all, flirt with me and surely if I notice, I would be flattered and interested but I don't have my feelers out for a new love nor am I "putting myself out there" like some people think they have to do.

Also happy, content singles, I don't think, give off "unavailable" automatically. Happy and content tends to be more attractive than "discouraged and wanting" singles.

I can't advise, how to present your sexuality. I'd guess, feeling content and comfortable in your own skin, will just attract whomever is going to be attracted to you.

I,, respectfully disagree, about giving off, an unavailable vibe, happily single doesn't mean opposed to being in a relationship. It means, take it or leave it. Not settling for something that isn't going to be healthy nor conducive to my life.

Yes, those links talk about maintaining relationships. I've been in discussions that have said, if only those skills were known and used going into relationships, there would have been better chances for less resentment, through the years. Nothing like waking up, 5/10/15/20 years later, to realize there's kids and things just aren't what one desired.

I'm in the beginning stages of a relationship. Glad, to know these skills now.



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I DON'T put myself out there…I just liked this guy and my friends encouraged me to go after him this time as I tend to just ignore my feelings and not pursue anyone at all. The problem with that is that if I never try at all, I literally stand no chance because I'm not pursued for whatever reason. I'm giving off some sort of "unavailable" vibe or at least with guys, I'm giving off a "too gay" vibe…which I didn't know that would stop guys from trying, but apparently it does.

I think it may be best just to learn how to become happily single, period.

My fear is that either no one will be attracted enough to me to put forth any effort into starting a relationship even if I put a lot of effort into it (which I don't understand, unless it's my personality because I'm physically attractive). And even if someone IS attracted me, I'm afraid that I won't be attracted to them making me feel like I SHOULD like them because it's not like that's going to happen again. That and I know what it feels like to never have anyone I'm attracted to be attracted to me.

Frankly, it sounds like you intimidate the heck out of guys.
I don't know your personal situation, or you personally [obviously], but I can somewhat relate to a couple things your are saying.

And... you can tell a man you like them, are fond of them, are attracted to them, want to see if something might happen down the line.
This is open and honest communication. If someone is getting mad at you for telling them you appreciate them more than others in your life- there is something wrong with THAT PERSON- not with you.

I find it a shame that, particularly in relationships [of all kinds], we are encouraged to deceive and manipulate our words, to hide what we are feeling, to cater to what we might think the other person expects.

Don't do this.
If you are suppressing behaviors that are natural and needs you find imperative, whatever relationship you are pursuing is not likely to turn out well.

As I said, I don't know your general MO in real life.

I think I tend to intimidate men because I am extremely giving and kind, but on the other hand- I'm not big into obfuscation or ********.

So while I will do pretty much anything for an individual I care about, I absolutely will announce when something is bothering me, or I feel is inappropriate.

As well, I tend to draw clear boundary lines for certain issues.

I'm just going to write the following, as even if i were to attempt to cushion the notion I would still get crap for it:
In my experience, there is often an expectation that men will "lead" and be balck and white, straight up, aware of what they want and be vocal.

The alternate expectation for women has often been that they would rather follow, that it is "nice" when they don't impose their desires- be it plans, or what to have for dinner, or even how to conduct a relationship in general.

So a lot of males routinely encounter wishy washy responses and interactions with females. This is not a blatant sweeping generality, but especially when younger women have difficulty reaching a point where what they say, want, need, establish as boundaries, are encouraged and appreciated.

At this point, I think for ME to have a good relationship it is essential to ask an say uncomfortable things- but that is seen as intimidating.

If it's so intimidating to have honesty, openness, and occasional necessary confrontation, that is not the man for me.

It's possible my read on this is completely out there, I feel like there's some element that I am hitting on though.

Oh I am intimidating. I had to be when I was younger. I try to suppress that now, to project that it's actually safe to disagree with me…that I'm not angry at disagreements, I get angry when I'm disrespected or not listened to.

I would think it would be the other person that has the problem, but I've experienced enough of people lying about why they don't like me or lying and saying they'd date me when they had no intentions to (although that was probably my fault).

If I hadn't suppressed my behaviors and truly been myself all the time when I moved to a place no one knew me (and I could start over), I wouldn't have any friends and be kicked out of pretty much every group I joined. Now, I have friends and I'm slowly being able to be myself and express myself without judgment or invalidation.

Another reason that I always hide my feelings is because I'm sick and tired of them being invalidated. And it's not just emotions, it's physical pain too. And it's easier for me to just wait if I can trust the person enough to actually share feelings and opinions with before I do.

I'll be honest, I intimidate men because when I get mad (like really mad), I get scary. Like breaking stuff angry, throwing stuff angry, threatening to kill/severely maim other people angry. When I was in high school, high school security had to get involved between me and a guy that felt threatened by me.

I'd love to be able to share my feelings and be listened to without having to make death threats, but unfortunately most people (well, mainly men) won't listen to me unless I yell and threaten violence. And if I find someone who might actually listen and give a crap about what I have to say or how I feel, they're too afraid of me. I'm obviously not going to treat those people like I do the ones that won't listen to me unless I make them, but I'm sure they can sense the monster lying under my calm, kind exterior.

I didn't impose a single thing…unless suggesting that we hang out because I like talking to him is imposing? I suggested we meet for coffee because he wouldn't suggest anything. That and during the date, he pretty much just deferred to me on everything. I don't know if it's out of fear or what...

I'm afraid in order to find a guy who isn't intimidated and/or terrified of me, I'd have to find someone as aggressive as me which would cause constant, violent disagreements. And even a lot of those "macho", aggressive types are terrified of me.

I'm not sure what to do…I know I did mention to him that I can be scary if I'm really angry, but I'm so much calmer in general than I used to be. I don't remember the last time I exploded at all, let alone at another person. I just think it's a good thing to know…not to say "you'd better not make me angry!" but more of saying "if I lose my temper and s*** gets broken, that isn't an unusual reaction to the point that I've had a psychotic break or something". Not sure how to explain that. Anyway, the point is that I don't see myself as having an anger problem anymore, but if something/someone pushes enough of my buttons correctly, people might see my true temper.

An update: I think this guy may just be bad a communicating in general. Some other musicians and I were exchanging e-mails about a concert and rehearsal over the course of multiple days and no one heard anything from him. I had to keep reminding him to reply to another e-mail about another rehearsal. But I didn't text him this time because guess what, I'm not his mom!

At least it means that it might not be me, he just can't communicate efficiently.