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#1
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I was taught from a very young age to not talk....not about anything that really matters, or to show any true emotion. When I tried to tell people and get help when I was little, I was blatantly told "don't ever tell our personal problems to anyone" and was severely punished for my digression. I have known my husband for 30 years, but I've never told him my innermost feelings and the only time he has seen true emotion from me is when it boiled over
I've always been able to write things. I was having a gigantic amount of issues and the emotions were bubbling to the surface but I didn't have the ability to tell him how I felt. I tried, oh how I tried, but it wasn't going to happen. I finally decided that the only way I could tell him was to write him. I wrote this long diatribe over several weeks. It was very very hard to give it to him but I did. All I asked was that he read it and start talking to me about it. My hope was if he started a conversation, I would be able to slowly but surely contribute and be able to talk. I gave him the letter and asked if we could talk and he said yes. I waited and waited. He never talked to me. I felt totally ignored and invalidated. I want to break up for this among other reasons..this happened almost 2 years ago. To be fair to him however, I have to tell him why, and I'm once again faced with how. I honestly don't know how, particularly after the result last time when I was in so much pain and did the only thing I knew to do and was ignored. Does anyone have any suggestions or have an meditation practices or reading material I can read on the subject to make it even the slight bit easier. I'm trying, I really am, but how can you break down a wall that was erected 40 years ago? Any suggestions at all would be nice. Please, please, please be sensitive to this issue. Don't tell me to just "suck it up" or "get over it". Although I know it needs to be done, it's near impossible to me and by far one of the hardest things for me to do.
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Maranara |
![]() Anonymous100305, Anonymous200280, ArthurDent, healingme4me, JadeAmethyst, Webgoji
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![]() JadeAmethyst
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#2
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Baby steps. That attempt 2 years ago produced massive reading material that he could not handle. If you start small, he may be more amenable. He might engage with you. And if he doesn't, you wouldn't be as disappointed, not having expended a major effort.
And congratulate yourself on small achievements! |
![]() Maranara
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#3
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Just to put out another way of looking at things -- you don't *have* to tell him why you want to break up. If doing so would be helpful to you, that's great, but if you want out of the relationship and struggling to tell him why means you have to stay longer than you want, maybe it would be better to get out, assuming that your mind is 100% made up and you see no resolution besides leaving.
Did you ever ask him what he thought about what you wrote? Or tell him that you were upset he never brought it up? If it turned out that this thing that happened two years ago was a huge misunderstanding, would you still want to end the relationship? |
#4
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Maranara |
![]() JadeAmethyst
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#5
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Hi Maranara.
![]() This is naturally a very hard topic to broach...with your added communication difficulties (which I am sorry is the case...it's such a shame and so wrong that you were denied the help you sought when little ![]() ![]() I don't blame you for your decision whatsoever. I, as a bit of...personal policy, I suppose, almost never tell married couples they should or shouldn't separate or consider separation in all but the most extreme circumstances. I've never felt it my place to make that decision nor do I feel completely comfortable advising such a major thing either way. But I do think your husband showed a staggering degree of indifference in his actions...for you to muster up so much courage to open up to him as you did and for him to totally ignore it is *incredibly* cold. ![]() As far as how? I've been thinking over this for about a day now (I saw and read your topic yesterday on my phone, but I'm awful at typing long entries on it. It doesn't really like the way PC's quick replies scroll), and I've come up with two potential ways. The first is what you've already acknowledged. You could write the reasoning down and give it to him. Granted, I know that was difficult the first time and it was ignored, but you could pressure him into reading it. If you start it off in a manner that gets his attention, I think he'll read it. Of course, he should read it regardless of any "hook," but if you're worried he'll simply skim it, that could help. Secondly, you could tell him yourself...certainly the more difficult choice, but there's no way he wouldn't receive the message. As far as easing your fear, try to prepare your side of the conversation in your head, and practice in front of the mirror. I'm thinking that might potentially make it easier for you...do you think that'd be benefical? The downside is that rehearsal doesn't account for the fluid nature of conversation...you can't feasibly expect to anticipate everything and formulate a response to every possibility of his speech. But you could, at the very least, have a strong foundation to go off of, and having it practiced could ease your nerves. Another random idea...do you think you could record what your have to say and have him listen to it? If I think of anything else, I will happily let you know. Please know you're in my thoughts and prayers, and if I can do anything for you, I'm only a PM away. Hugs, Harley
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The world suffers alot. Not because of the violence of bad people, but because of the silence of good people.- Napoleon Bonaparte |
![]() Maranara
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#6
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I hear you, about being better at writing, than face to face sit down and confront, not that I haven't gotten better, at that, through the years. But heart to heart conversations, take two willing participants, which you h doesn't sound like he's any more able to have that type of give and take relationship. Since, letter writing, did result, in a complete ignoring of your concerns and your inner voice, I am not certain, writing him anything, will be any different, all these years later. So, I am left thinking about a list. Pro's/Con's of the marriage. And with a blunt statement, to him, verbally, and perhaps, even with papers already drawn up, state it simply. And, if he can't recognize that, then I, am, also, at a complete loss, as to what to do or say. ![]() |
![]() Maranara
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#7
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I'm wondering if this person will not engage with you face to face, if you could do some kind of distance imaging of him and talk that way to him. What's in your heart is important for YOU. I understand about writing letters also, though in this situation it may or may not be as useful for you, and your well-being.
I wish you well. Sincerely Jade |
![]() Maranara
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#8
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I appreciate all of your replies, but I'm working and I simply don't have the brain power left to reply. I wanted you to know that and that I will reply later tonight or tomorrow.
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Maranara |
![]() hamster-bamster
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#9
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I've lived my entire life as a male. But from my earliest years I always felt that I should have been female. And along with that I have battled major depression & a variety of anxiety disorders all of my life as well. But I learned very early on, I don't know how, that I must never talk to anyone about any of this. And so, I kept the secret, for the most part, for the 1st 60 years of my life. A little over a year ago, I made my 2nd, & most serious, major attempt to end my life. At that point, I finally decided to "come out of the closet" as the saying goes. I won't go into allot of additional detail about this. But, along the way, I gave my wife a book to read entitled: "True Selves" It is a "primer", so to speak, with regard to transsexuality. It is always recommended as a book to give to relatives & friends to help them understand what being transsexual is all about. Once my wife told me she had read the book, I asked her if she had any questions. She said no. That was it. I thought: how could a spouse (or parent, etc.) read that book under those circumstances & not have a single question? I still don't know the answer. I guess I could, perhaps I should, ask her about this. But we've never had that kind of relationship. We've never engaged in heart-to-heart discussions about our feelings, etc. And this is due, I have to admit, at least in part because of my own upbringing. It's still difficult for me to talk about things that really matter. I wish I had a useful suggestion for you. I don't. I would presume that your husband probably grew up with the same dictum you & I did. And I think that men in particular are especially reticent. Perhaps you just need to tell him of your desire to break up & see if this opens him to the possibility of talking this out. If not, then it may be that he's simply too closed off to reach. Anyway, hopefully my little tale is in some way helpful to you in deciding how to proceed. ![]() ![]() |
![]() Maranara
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#10
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DBT Interpersonal effectiveness is a good place to start.....learning those skills is important because they not only help us in our marriage relationship, but all other relationships that we have on the outside, in business & dealing with everything in our life where communication is necessary.
Interpersonal Effectiveness The DBT group I went to have a lot better explanation of it than this.....but you might want to just google (any internet search) on DBT interpersonal effectiveness & read through all of them....pulling all the pieces out that are helpful to you & what you can seriously learn from. Everyone needs to be heard & our emotions validated. I had the problem growing up...not just for NOT expressing what I felt but even knowing what it was that I was feeling.....It was just about a year ago after going through 2 years of group DBT.....that I was having a horrible time trying to figure out what I was feeling.....got a list of emotions & look through & talked through each one writing down the ones that applies....ended up with a whole page full. I left my H 6 years ago....actually ended up driving 2100 miles in my truck with me to give things a try at my new farm.....I kicked him out within 3 weeks.....& so glad that I did.....we had some interesting things that were said during that truck ride.....but in reality.....I never knew him even after being married for 33 years........& was getting to know him less & less as the years went by. He would never communicate to me about anything & his belief seemed to be....if I don't tell her then I'm not lying....what he didn't get is that it's lying whether you withhold the information or whether you blatently tell a lie & I could no longer go on living like that....things like NOT telling me he got a letter from the IRS about back taxes...or not telling me that he quit paying the property taxes or the payment on the house my name was still on......he was good at sticking his head in the sand & pretending that nothing was happening around him.....then wondered why he kept getting kicked in the rear by everyone he was ignoring when they finally got fed up with him. Actually the interpersonal effectiveness has helped me in dealing with him even though I have finally limited it to only emails...& honestly he's the last person in the world I ever want to have to interface with.....but knowing how really helps......it is a skill that has to be learned.....& not learning it growing up has made it difficult. My parents had no concept of how to communicate. My mother was nothing but emotions & my father was nothing but stupid opinions......growing up I observed those kids around me who seemed to know how to best communicate...but that wasn't easy to learn from.....I just knew there were a lot of things I wasn't going to tolerate in my life & had become nothing much more than a constant fighter until I finally left....only then I would actually get out of the forest & truly see all that had been going on for so many years. I don't think that the interpersonal effectiveness would have really helped me much with my H.....but it might have helped me from getting so angry at him that I continually saw red. It's just plane impossible to talk with someone who doesn't want to talk or really doesn't know how & doesn't care to learn. I understand what you are going through.......I really feel bad for you...marriage relationships are difficult at best when there are problems from the beginning. If you read through the DBT interpersonal effectiveness & have any questions....feel free to PM....I will get out my actual group DBT notes to try & help clarify if you need ![]()
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![]() Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this. Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018 |
#11
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I am working on it...have been for over a year, but it's gotten to the point that something needs to be done, sooner rather than later. Thank you again for your support.
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Maranara |
![]() Harley47
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![]() Harley47
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#12
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Maranara |
#13
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Maranara |
#14
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Maranara |
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