[Bobafeta]

I'm in danger of losing the love of my life because we can not fight the same. He needs space and I need to talk things out. This seems so basic buts its killing us and we both cant handle our fights.

We've been together nearly three years but have only live in the same city together for 8 months. Since he moved in we've had horrible fights that last for days.

He or I will say something wrong, one of us will snap, he'll run downstairs to be alone and I'll follow him. If I follow him he'll leave the house and get a hotel or sleep in his car. I'll be angry he didn't talk to me so ill call over and over until he does, which usually just results in another fight, the next day he still won't speak to me and asks for space. I'll be fine up until I'm going to bed alone and I'll totally lose it on him because I feel like I'm being ignored, he'll leave the house again, ignore me. This goes on for days, him wanting space, and me feeling like I deserve to be talked to about our fight.

So who is right or wrong? How do you solve it when one needs space and one needs to vent? We can't figure it out and we both blame each other for not respecting what the other needs. We love each other deeply and want to be together but we can't live like this.

Other women say their men need a cooling off period too - but do we ignore our own needs for the relationship or is there a better solution?

[Webgoji]

Neither of you is wrong or right.

There's a better solution. Don't "fight". If you're in a heated argument, the wrong things will be said and not resolved properly. When you guys have a conflict, it needs to be resolved through a calm negotiation. If one of you isn't calm (like you said, one of you snaps or one of you loses it) then the conversation will be full of walls and lines drawn in the sand.

Should you wait for days? Oh heck no, then it turns into resentment and that's worse. But each of you need to take a few moments to calm down, see the situation correctly and then sit down and discuss what happened without judging the other person. See it from their perspective and give your perspective. It's not about right and wrong because both are wrong, but right from your perspective. So negotiate the problem so that you both give as much as possible to the other person.

For example, let's say he comments about how hot a cheerleader is on the game on TV. You feel hurt and yell at him. The argument is already not going to accomplish anything.

First, he'll put up his wall to defend himself. Then he'll leave the situation. You follow wanting to resolve it, but by following, you're making him more defensive.

So the best way is to stop before you yell at him. Take some deep breaths and calm down. Why did it hurt when he said that? Make sure you understand your perspective. Then, when appropriate, ask him to talk about it. Explain that him talking about other women around you makes you feel less attractive. Explain that he doesn't need to stop watching football or anything, but to be more considerate of how it made you feel.

This is just an example (I don't know what your fights are about), but approaching the situation calmly will be more conducive to working it out and both of you getting what you want.

[Perna]

There's only so much that can be said. The purpose of communication is to give someone else your point of view, your idea, what you want, etc. But the point is not to make them understand, see, agree, help you, etc. Think of someone else talking to you and you to them as a gift. If you give a gift, there are no strings attached; it is a gift. They are free to like your gift or not, to keep it or to throw it away or sell it and keep the money, etc.

Ongoing fights are an attempt to force the other person to accept or agree with what I am saying. They are "will struggles" or power plays, trying to assert one's self over the other person. The only way to stop that is to let the other person be themselves.

Were I you, I would get a journal and when your boyfriend leaves, I would write about it, complain and argue and whatever you felt like in a journal. Gradually I would work to not need to do the complaining and arguing (you want what you want; it is your job to get/do that, not your boyfriend's). I would look at what I have said and what he has said in reply (or what he has said and what you said in reply) and see what is really wrong, what one really wants? Your boyfriend does not have your background, was not raise like you were just as you do not have his background, was not raised like he was. There is no right or wrong to how we are raised, but it is different and if we want something from another that they are unfamiliar with, we often have to teach the other (if they are interested in learning) how and let them practice even though they will not be particularly good at it at first. I am lucky, my husband was eldest of 4 boys and "chief babysitter" and had a job as a teenager as a dishwasher and so is happy to do the dishes in exchange for my cooking (if left to his own devices he'd live on fried-in-butter, cheese hot dogs :-) However, he does the dishes when it suites him, is not attuned to thinking about the whole and necessarily having things clean/ready for when I start to make dinner? What is obvious to us may not be obvious to the next person. What is obvious to the next person is not obvious to us.

I am teaching myself to be responsible for what I want. If the kitchen trash is overflowing, a task my brothers were always given/yelled at for not doing sooner, I will notice as my stepmother "taught" me to but I really only have a couple choices? I notice/want the trash out. I can take it out and get what I want. There is no right/wrong way to do things, maybe some people have bigger trashcans, maybe they have two trashcans or maybe someone has been taught to check the trash situation every 10 minutes and not let it get out of hand or they only have outdoor trashcans and take the trash out each time they have some, no middle can to get full and overflow. Or, I can ask my husband to do me a favor and take the trash out. My husband is usually doing something else and not thinking/worrying about the trash when I am? LOL. That's his prerogative! He is living his life just like I am living mine and they are not the same. He may be working on our finances and paying bills, something I don't do. He may be playing games on his computer or talking to his business partner or who knows what? What he is doing is not my problem, what I am doing is my problem. I do know he loves me though and that he feels we are a "team"/partners so when I ask him to take the trash out at his convenience (or "right now because it is in my way" when I am cooking or something) he will do what I ask. I can count on my partner, not to read my mind and know I want the trash taken out but to respond to my stated need. That does not mean he will always respond favorably. I want to buy a new car and, so far :-) our discussion is not getting me a new car. Last car took me 2-3 months of hard work researching and honing my argument before he caved It was both very frustrating and very helpful to me (the need to research and hone my argument so he could "hear" it better, it was more in his terms).

But how I feel about something is about me, not about the situation or the other person; they are my feelings. If I feel resentment, I need to work on that with myself, not to "get rid of" the resentment but to understand it thoroughly and see what I can do to help myself so I am less likely to feel resentment in similar situations in the future. Most of the time I need to understand that my husband's thoughts, moods, and actions are not about me. He is not trying to frustrate me by taking so long to "change his mind" or, when I decide to "help him" (without his asking me to :-) that he changes his mind about what he wants when I have put in so much personal effort to help him get what I thought he wanted, my feeling of resentment is all manufactured in my own little head, is not about him. I get to understanding both him and myself better and next time I work on what I want and/or wait until he asks for my help instead of just assuming I can jump in there and condescendingly make things easier/better for him; his own little personal heroine :-)

[adam_k]

Being with someone isn't really about being right or wrong. A lot of things in everyday life are based on your own morals, views and beliefs. If these things aren't the same for both people then disagreements will happen.

Everyone is different and has their own way of dealing with things. The best thing to do is find a way that you and your significant other can reach and understanding and respect each other.

Maybe he needs his time to cool off? Me personally, I do that a lot. I need alone time to think about think. I am pretty black and white in my thinking and need time to find that gray area. If I get into an argument with her and just talk about how I feel at that moment then it is usually the black side of that feeling. Usually me feeling that the relationship has no hope and I can only seem to think of everything I don't like about her and a million reasons why I should move on. I need my time to put things into perspective and see the whole picture. So I can talk to her from a balanced perspective and be reasonable.

She is much different on the other hand. She has tao ways of dealing with things. The first is head on and just getting it down and over with whatever the outcome may be. The other is complete avoidance.

If you want things to work you have to find a way to coexist and let each person have what they need to cope with the situation. Would letting him have a little bit of alone time help if he talked to you after he has cooled off? Try to find something that works for both of you. Each of you are a different person and has different needs. Figure out what those are and find a way to coexist.

[turquoisesea]

Hey there, I think the problem you are facing is quite common - men often need that cool-down phase and women need to talk IMMEDIATELY. I'm running into some of the same problems with the guy I'm dating right now. If you can find a compromise with how to fight - that would help. What is some gesture he could show you that would mean he cares? What's something you can do when he's mad at you to have him feel respected?

My temporary solution with my much shorter term boyfriend is to be able to get a hug from him just to show he cares, and for me to keep my cool better and not let my thoughts get out of hand - when I think he's ignoring me I take everything too personally. It's hard because in my experience often the man won't know what he wants/needs ... but the compromise has to go both ways. My goal would be to learn how to fight in a way that hurts both of you less.

good luck! and to PC

[Trippin2.0]

Yes. We fight differently.

Like everyone else said, nobody is right or wrong in these situations, it is what it is.

He leaves, because that's what he needs, but you follow, preventing him from getting what he needs, to demand that he meet your needs.

I used to do that too

Can you spell BACKFIRE! Omg that just lead to longer silences, because everytime I interrupted with a call, message or appearing as if by magic, I caused him a major setback in his processing time. Which then meant I was freaking out for longer periods too.

Retarded I know

What do I do now? Like Perna said, I respect that he's attempting to meet a need of his, and while I needed to vent, I realized that I didn't NEED to vent in his presence.

I have a *****ing journal now, its where I vent to my heart's content, after a fight and if I need a response (which is amazingly rare) I tell a friend. Once he's calmed down and emerged from his man cave and I've scribbled lots of profanities, we address things camly.

Its not about learning to fight the same, its about learning to fight fair.

[A Red Panda]

Why don't, at some point when you're both calm and happy, you both work out a plan for when you argue?

He needs some time. You need to discuss it. Why not allow for some time, and then you discuss it? Maybe suggest a two hour break from each other, so that he can have his space. It allows you both to calm down, and you can then readdress things in a more rational manner - allowing you to talk it out.

Following someone will never, ever, help. I'm female, but I'm also a "flight first, talk later" kind of person. If someone followed me, I would flip right out and nothing I would say would make any sense - it's why I leave! I leave if I realize that myself or the other person can't speak respectfully or rationally. So when I leave, I'm trying to be respectful. When the other person disrespects that even further by following me, then I'm just that much more hurt and will become much angier.

[healingme4me]

I get withdrawing from an argument, and avoiding saying anything maliciously out of anger. At the same time, he need not run away, each time you argue. That's some thing, he needs to resolve for himself. Chasing him down, to 'talk it out'? Is that to continue the argument, is that while still in a verbally combative tone of voice?

Why are things being said 'wrong', this often? How can trust be built in a relationship, when there is running away and chasing down to finish the argument? It's not about winning and losing. Why are there, this many 'fights'?

[Bobafeta]

Thank you all so much. It helps just knowing other people get it. I've been trying to write in a journal so I vent while he calms down. I know me chasing him doesn't help but when he leaves I always feel like he's ignoring my needs.

We've had a very rough few months with him out of work and me supporting him, which he hates because he doesn't feel like he's taking care of me. He's a man that wants to work and be the provider and I love him for that but he's not healthy enough to work right now.

We're also as opposite as two people can be, from our childhoods, our religious beliefs, politics- you name it and we don't agree but we want the same things out of live and we want to be together. That and we'll spend 5 hours talking in bed and laughing not wanting to sleep because we're having too much fun hanging out.

We just struggle when we fight and we both hate it.

[Bobafeta]

*****ing journal is totally the way I go. I just have to hide it so he doesn't stumble across it!

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Yes. We fight differently.

Like everyone else said, nobody is right or wrong in these situations, it is what it is.

He leaves, because that's what he needs, but you follow, preventing him from getting what he needs, to demand that he meet your needs.

I used to do that too

Can you spell BACKFIRE! Omg that just lead to longer silences, because everytime I interrupted with a call, message or appearing as if by magic, I caused him a major setback in his processing time. Which then meant I was freaking out for longer periods too.

Retarded I know

What do I do now? Like Perna said, I respect that he's attempting to meet a need of his, and while I needed to vent, I realized that I didn't NEED to vent in his presence.

I have a *****ing journal now, its where I vent to my heart's content, after a fight and if I need a response (which is amazingly rare) I tell a friend. Once he's calmed down and emerged from his man cave and I've scribbled lots of profanities, we address things camly.

Its not about learning to fight the same, its about learning to fight fair.