Closure

Something happened to me on Monday which has closed a painful unfinished chapter of my life.

I think that I have mentioned in the past that I was married once before. My ex has a son, who lived with us from the time he was 9 until my ex left me when my stepkid was 15. I was rather young when I met them -- only 23 -- so it was a big adjustment living with a 9 year old. None of my friends had kids, or certainly not 9 year olds. Additionally, my stepkid had some problems adjusting to school, had some weight and health issues, and eventually was diagnosed with ADD. It was really difficult for me during the first couple of years, but I stuck with it and gave it 100%. After 6 years together, my ex fell out of love with me and left me rather abruptly. My stepson continued to live with me for a few months while we sorted everything out. Weird, I know, but strangely it made sense at the time and was better for his school routine if for no other reason.

After we sold the house, I continued to spend time with my stepkid, either for dinner or by phone, for the next few months. We agreed that just because his dad and I were divorcing, it didn't mean that our relationship had to change. But his dad remarried rather quickly and, well, I guess a 15 year old doesn't want to hang out with an adult much anyway, so for many reasons he kind of drifted away from me and within a year, he had completely stopped returning my calls.

I was mortally sad, but I understood. I grieved the loss of my marriage daily, but people do fall out of love and while I didn't care for the way my ex handled the separation and divorce, neither did I want to remain in a one-sided marriage. But worse was what felt like rejection from my stepkid, on top of rejection from his dad. Rejection rejection rejection.

I didn't push the issue - if he was uncomfortable, then I wanted to respect his space, so I limited myself to a Christmas card and a birthday card each year. I never heard anything back, and this year, after 8 years of being separated, I decided to stop sending them. I just gave up hope.

Oddly enough, last week I got an email from him, out of the blue. It started off very short, but progressed to a much longer email exchange toward the end of the week. I had dinner with him on Monday, and boy, was it strange. He's 23 now -- no longer a kid. We were both kind of uncomfortable, but had a really good time anyway.

It hasn't really sunk in for me yet. I've been visiting my parents since then, so haven't had any alone time to really process what has happened. I had felt like such a failure in that relationship -- I remember crying to my ex, during the breakup, that it felt "like my best efforts hadn't been good enough" for him. He replied "no, they weren't". I still feel the cold chill in his voice, even today. It literally took me about 6 months before I stopped crying on a daily basis, and about 2 years before I could go more than an hour without lamenting my loss.

I know I'm rambling - my thoughts aren't very linear about this issue - the whole thing is rather complex for me. This was such a milestone - my stepkid hadn't forgotten me after all - but at the same time I have so many unanswered questions. Or do I? Maybe I already know the answers, but it doesn't take away 8 years of hurt. Nevertheless, he hasn't forgotten me, and after dinner we went to a bar and had some drinks (ok, yeah that part was weirder than most of it -- drinking with my stepkid even though he was only 15 the last time I had seen him!!!!), he told me a bunch of ways that I had influenced him. Almost as if he knew that I had been second-guessing myself about that all of these years. I didn't confess any of my relief or bring up my hurt -- it just didn't seem appropriate to let my emotions out, and it still doesn't. As I'm typing this, I'm just thinking rather than feeling. Not ready to feel yet.

Sorry - stream of consciousness post from me. Not how I usually like to do things, but I'm just trying to sort things out for myself. Thanks for listening.

LMo,

What a nice story about your step son. Gosh he is now the age you were when you were first thrust into a relationship with him. It sounds like your first husband was just being mean when he said what he did about your not having much impact on his son. I hate it when people say untrue, mean things just to hurt someone.

Happy Thanksgiving.

EJ

Thanks EJ. I forgive my ex -- he is horrible at confrontation and has a boatload of his own emotional baggage. He was just doing what he could to push me away quickly so that he didn't have to be reminded of his own guilt.

Happy thanksgiving to you too -- thanks for reading my babble.

((((((((((LMo))))))))))) I think each of us has more influence on others than we realize. I'm happy for you that you were able to find out some of that for yourself.



Candy

thanks so much Candy

still trying to wrap my head around it. For some reason, I can't seem to "feel" it. By all logic I should have been nervous and excited and energetic about meeting him for dinner, but I was uncharacteristically blase. And even since then, it took me 4 days before I could tell anybody about it aside from where we went to dinner, and even now, I'm just typing words, still not feeling. I'm afraid of what it's going to be like when I DO feel it. I feel like there's a dam inside me waiting to burst.

I've been having the absolute wackiest dreams since I got his first email. Disturbing and complex dreams.

LMo, I was very touched by your first post but don't quite know what to "feel" after your last post.

For the most part, I am happy for you and hope that it has a happy ending.

You obviously had a very big impact on his life that he would come back to you after some time. That keeps coming up foremost in my mind as being quite a special thing.

Wishing nothing but peace and happiness for you.

Seems like your patience paid off. Kids are often put in position where they feel they must choose between who they align themselves to - out of survival instinct, I would imagine.

Now that he is older, he is probably aware that it is not so life-and-death a choice. He obviously didn't forget you and although he never responded, he certainly noticed when the connection was no longer there, and if he did not make the effort to respond, it would have remained that way. Says alot about how much of an influence you were on him.

I think it's great that this is happening. And it only makes sense that, after such a long time and his growing up, would make things uncomfortable for you both when renewing ties.

I think if you keep doing what you are doing and he keeps doing what he is doing, a great relationship may develop after all.

And isn't it interesting that he was able to pick up on your insecurities even though it was not voiced. Kids are sooo perceptive and it never ceases to amaze me to the degree that they are.

Keep good thoughts, LMo!

AS

I think you are protecting yourself with some numbness maybe? I sure understand the feeling. My younger son recently began reestablishing a relationship with me. He had been covert with the Army for 7 years and rarely knew where he had been much more where he was..and nary a phone call during that time. It IS an awkward feeling yep.

Obviously you gave him something he knows he misses. I hope this continues, and you will be invited to his wedding and in on all the grandkids

Thanks so much friends... I know it wasn't an articulate post - thanks for sticking with it

Sabrina - you have me paranoid about my last post. Did it come off as creepy? I hope not... I think it's more the self-protecting 'numbness' that _Sky was referring to. I believe there should have been some big emotional 'bang' after hearing from him or seeing him, but still, it just seems like a sequence of events rather than something monumental, even though this is the resolution to so much pain that has plagued me for years.

Ah well..

_Sky - it's weird - when you posted about your son, I immediately thought of my (estranged?) ex-stepson and felt some of that emotion and joy for YOU.

AS, those were beautiful words of wisdom.

Thank you all for your insights, celebration, and caring

ha - funny you say that about the wedding.

Not sure if I mentioned it here, but last month when my husband and I went to Europe, the 'excuse' was to go to my ex-husband's sister's ex-husband's second wedding! Yes, you probably have to read that a few times to have it make sense. My ex is from Europe and the wedding was in a town where my former in-laws have their beach house. It was very strange being there after all these years, seeing so many of the same people.

You know, maybe I got some of it out of my system on that trip, even though I did not know I would be seeing my ex-stepkid a month later? I fel the same kind of detachment there as well - had weird dreams and this darn eye twitch (have one now, too), but nothing in terms of BIG feelings.

You know, maybe we lose the drama as we get older. Could that be it? I seem to be trying to create drama where it isn't naturally occurring, aren't I? So maybe it's just something I shed over the past 8 years and I didn't have a reason to test it out.

Gee, what I'm lacking in feelings I'm making up in overanalysis, aren't I?

LMo -- I think you are wonderful to have forgiven your X so much, and I am glad that your stepson had finally acknowledged your value to him.

thanks ((( wants2fly ))) -- I appreciate that you read my post, and thanks for your caring

LMo, i could have written your first post. i have two stepsons. they were 8 and 10 when i married their father. we were married 16 years. after the divorce, the ex used all sorts of emotional weapons to keep them from me. gave them new cars to keep them from coming out at Christmas.....you know, little things like that.

i flew to the towns where they lived and visited anyway. he was furious with them that they still communicated with me. he finally "won" and i didn't hear for several years. then out of the blue, the youngest traced me down and invited me to his WEDDING!!!

and he told me on the phone every single way that i had influenced him while we lived together. the photography, the way of looking at life, the animals, the food, the education, etc. all of it. it was so emotional.

i didn't go to the wedding as both of his parents (and a new wife) were going to be there, but he and i agreed that i was there in spirit.....just as i had actually been in the balcony when his oldest brother married.

kids are just kids. they get pulled all different directions and have to grow up to realize what was really going on.

obviously, he loves you and you were a very good influence in his life. detach from what the ex did and the bad feelings he caused you to experience and just "feel" the fact that this child contacted YOU......as mine did me!!!! love ya, pat

((( Pat )))

thanks for understanding. It's been a weird year for me. I'm really really happy for you as well

Thanks for sharing your story and relating to mine

I think you aren't feeling yet because you aren't ready. You need more time and there is nothing wrong with that. Seeing your stepson may be bringing up some conflicting and competing thoughts and feelings about then, now, and the future.

How wonderful that he is mature enough at 23 to make the effort to seek you out and to tell you how you influenced his life. He is the only one who can say with any truthfulness what influence you had and have.....your ex can only guess. I hope you two keep in touch for both your sakes.

ECHOES

It's hard to know what people who have been in our lives and left retain of us. I'm constantly surprised at Christmas, the only time I see my grown stepnieces/nephews (I've been around their whole lives, their mother is my stepsister who I "met" before she was married) and occasionally they'll drop some memory from their childhood that was big for them but nothing much for me, a movie we went to or sleepover, etc.

I have 3 stepsons but they're still in my life but I identified with your story as my youngest stepson was 6 when I met him and always lived with his mom, only visited with us and is almost 30 now. He and I had some problems but we made some good memories too; lives are both I think and I try to remember that, that because I think of sad things doesn't mean there weren't many happy ones or that the other person doesn't have thoughts and memories of their own, different from mine, some better, some worse, etc. I like to believe that people enter our lives for a reason and when they leave they've fulfilled that. Too, I moved around my childhood and am familiar with people re-entering my life "later" so that's okay and a bonus, too. It can happen.

((((((((((((((( LMo ))))))))))))))))))

I can only imagine how great, confusing and alot of other things this is for you right now. Mostly I would think this has "thrown" you back to yesterday? It would me.

We're here and we care.

KD