[marmaduke]

I am surprised how many people here still seem to love their parents even though they are abused/neglected.
Its a form of Stockholm syndrome.
I do not love my parents because they did not love me. I realised I was not loved at the age of seven (the age of reason) I wanted to be fostered, adopted, I wanted to be away from those people.
So many posts tell stories of abuse, many lonely people who deserved so much better.
So many children who blame themselves for their parents failings, suffer guilt and toxic shame.
If parents are crap, blame them not yourselves!
Anyone else not love their parents?

I ain't been abused ... Just mollycoddled and made to feel I should be wrapped in cotton wool and therefore I have no real life skills ! It's depressing xxx

[kittyfaye]

Why do you hate your parents?

[marmaduke]

Whendarknessfalls23
Why do you hate your parents?

I was not loved. By the time I was five years old I would bite myself I hated myself even then.
Mother told me I was ugly, fat, stupid, that I would never have any friends, no one would ever like me. She told me 'I was to be put in a home'
Mother told me I smelt, I would bath and scrub myself, and scrub myself again, but I still smelt. Mother told me not to stand anywhere near her because my 'breath stank'. Convinced I smelt bad I didn't like anyone coming near me, I felt embarrassed they would smell me.
Mother said she 'wouldn't touch me with a barge pole'.
Mother told me if I was in the same room as her that 'She felt sick'.
By the time I was seven I decided I wanted to go in a home. I was only seven so I wasn't sure what 'a home' was but I was sure it would be better than living with my 'parents'.
I was 11 when she went to stab me with a carving knife. "I HATE YOU, I want to stab you through" she said.
I was broken.
I was shy, silent, anxious, withdrawn. I suffered with crippling depression, social phobia and OCD
I had no self esteem whatsoever (I have worked on that and feel much better)
I was not beaten, I was not starved, not physically. But emotionally? Yes.
I hate her because I will never be who I should have been.
I never understood why mother hated me so much. One day on the internet I read about narcissistic mothers. Mother ticked the boxes.

[marmaduke]

Originally Posted by muaythailady88

I ain't been abused ... Just mollycoddled and made to feel I should be wrapped in cotton wool and therefore I have no real life skills ! It's depressing xxx

You see it depends what you call abuse, to be mollycoddled (infantalised) engulfed? To not be taught life skills, to not be taught you are a special important person in your own right is its own form of abuse.
I was pretty much neglected, which also meant I was not taught life skills either, not even basics like its polite to say 'please' & thankyou, or social skills, how to hold a conversation. I have had few friends, to shy to make any.
As I've got older its not as bad, I've read endless self help books, had hypnotherapy for panic attacks and take meds for depression.
I think you have been abused.

[kittyfaye]

I'm so sorry your mother treated you that way. my mother has a lot of narcissistic traits too, compares me to my sister, etc. I hate it.

I will trade you mothers any time you want...............

I was both abused by unduly rigid discipline, and overprotected in such a way as to stifle my learning of life skills. In short, I was not allowed to be myself. My parents didn't love me. They loved the child they wanted me to be, but didn't accept me as I am.

My father passed away some twenty or thirty years ago, and my mother refuses to acknowledge anything was ever wrong. All she'll say--and then under duress--is, "I'm sorry your childhood wasn't perfect, but no one's is." Of course, this makes it out like I'm being unreasonable and demanding perfection, when mere stability would have sufficed.

The opposite of love is not hate, because in order to hate someone, you have to care. Hate comes about because you tried to love, and your effort was suffocated. Then over time, if the love can't be revived, the hate burns out because it can't accomplish anything. You don't even care anymore. The opposite of love, then, is indifference. I'm sorry to say it, but I'm afraid I indifference my parents passionately.

[marmaduke]

Yes you are right indifference is the opposite of hate Lovebird. To hate you have to care. And I'm glad you have reached indifference.
"I'm sorry your childhood wasn't perfect, but no one's is."
Thats a classic, my father would say similar "Oh, sorry, I'm not perfect, I suppose you are?" Making me sound unreasonable.
But I wasn't expecting 'perfect' I was expecting, needing, NORMAL I needed unconditional love. I was not loved. I had refrigerator 'parents'. Cold, selfish and secretly cruel.
My so called parents never knew *me*at all nor made any effort too. I was just there as someone to dump on, a scapegoat for their uselessness.

Love that kitty picture, makes me smile every time I see it. x

[A Red Panda]

I don't love my parents... and I also realized that at age 7. I remember exactly where I was when I realized it!

I've felt guilty ever since.

But I don't hate them. Not by a long shot. I wish them well and I try to be a good daughter to them... but I don't love them.

They were pretty distant and I had a lot of pressure put on me to be smart and responsible and to always do what my mom said... and my opinions and feelings were pretty much ignored and I stopped expressing as much of them as I could pretty early. I just don't think they did much of it intentionally. It just took me years to realize that my mom's upbringing hadn't been very good and I think she did and does the best she can. I do know that they love me... I've just never seen it, especially when I was younger (school age. I think my youngest years were ok but I don't remember them).

So... I've never felt hate towards them. Just guilt and regret.

[pickwick6]

Marmaduke, I am so sorry for your abusive childhood... Was there someone in your life who provided love and guidance to you? You have been incredibly strong to get through your childhood and become the loving person you are today. I'm sure I don't need to tell you that such intense feelings toward your mother, while justified, aren't healthy for you and I hope you find healthy ways to get that anger out. I am sure you will continue on your healing journey and maybe you will become a mom yourself... then you will feel love twice... once for your child and again for yourself. I hope when you see your reflection in the mirror that you see yourself as the lovable person that you are... HUG!!

[mulan]

I can't hate them. Sometimes they are really annoying and dificult to stand with...Yet, they were and are the sources of love I can get. And there's a thing, a cicle, when you were abused, it's more certain that you will do that. My parents lives weren't easy ones. So I can't blame them.
When I was a kid I thought a lot about being adopted and running away from my house.
This is still a think that divides me...And I hope I don't have to live the years that left me under them influence, but I can neglect them, because what they did and do was not on porpuse. Yes, it makes me very angry sometimes. But it just makes things going worst, they feel bad, I feel bad because I made them feel bad...everyones mood gets impossible. What can I do?!!!!

[marmaduke]

Originally Posted by pickwick6

Marmaduke, I am so sorry for your abusive childhood... Was there someone in your life who provided love and guidance to you? You have been incredibly strong to get through your childhood and become the loving person you are today. I'm sure I don't need to tell you that such intense feelings toward your mother, while justified, aren't healthy for you and I hope you find healthy ways to get that anger out. I am sure you will continue on your healing journey and maybe you will become a mom yourself... then you will feel love twice... once for your child and again for yourself. I hope when you see your reflection in the mirror that you see yourself as the lovable person that you are... HUG!!

Thankyou
I did not have anyone else in my life to love or support me, my 2 sisters were 10 years older and mother did not like people in her house, so I was pretty much isolated with her. Its odd because she disliked me, even told me not to speak because the "Sound of my silly voice grated on her nerves " But she over protected me, though I think that was not about concern for me as much as she had a great need to micro control.
I believe if I'd had someone in my life who'd cared for me shown me some love a grandmother, aunty, anyone really I would coped much better, the world would not have been such a cold place.
Everyone needs someone who makes them feel special.

[marmaduke]

mulan
When I was a kid I thought a lot about being adopted and running away from my house.
Me too all the time!

[DemiDeveraux]

It is really sad to read your story.. I'm so sorry!

Mine is a little similar, but I'm not sure if I'm right to hate my parents..
I have Borderline personality syndrome. My parents don't know that though, they think I'm just a horrible human being. My mother often cries and yells that she has so many regrets even putting me into this world. That she doesn't deserve a monster like me.
She used to (and still) convince me that I have a bad personality and I would never be capable of being loved by someone else. She also kicks me out every month or so.

My grandmother is convinced my upbringing is the reason of my disease.
I also blame my parents for it, but then again, how can I be sure they are to blame?

The question is; have I develloped this illness because of the way my parents treated me? Or was it heritable? Maybe just born with it? And am I, solely, the one causing all the trouble?

[marmaduke]

I don't know if they are to blame, but I do know they sure ain't helping.
"My mother often cries and yells that she has so many regrets even putting me into this world. That she doesn't deserve a monster like me."
You don't deserve her, you deserve much better. You sound lovely

That is a dreadful thing to say. She is the monster not you. Its the type of thing my mother would say, she always made it clear I was a burden & everything wrong in her life was MY fault.

Like I asked to be born!

You are absolutely not the one causing all the trouble. If you are told that you are being used, used as a scapegoat, like I was.

Research on the possible causes and risk factors for BPD is still at a very early stage. However, scientists generally agree that genetic and environmental factors are likely to be involved.
Studies on twins with BPD suggest that the illness is strongly inherited. Another study shows that a person can inherit his or her temperament and specific personality traits, particularly impulsiveness and aggression. Scientists are studying genes that help regulate emotions and impulse control for possible links to the disorder.
NIMH · Borderline Personality Disorder

[avlady]

i am sorry you were treated so bad, it was emotional abuse. i am thankful my parents were pretty good parents, all 11 of us, me being the 2nd eldest, had to be a parent myself to my brothers and sisters, who were worse than my parents to me. my parents deserve medals for what they did for us. some of the rest of the family don't agree with me but they were very good parents and my bros and sisters can't see it yet, i think they were spoiled more than myself. we were poor, but got needs met when due. well not always but i still appreciate their efforts. i love my parents and feel bad for people on this forum when i read their stories about being mistreated, it makes me feel more thankful for mine. i can't even read sme of the peoples posts here about mistreatement because i'll almost cry. i love you all and am concerned. i hope you all can deal with it and have someone to talk to about it, even if it's just here.

[DemiDeveraux]

Well obviously our parents have severe mental problems themselves.

They made the mistake of having children. THAT's why they are to blame, according to me.
You can't blame them for being bad parents, because they have probably been abused themselves and can't help what they have become.
But then, the rational thing to do is to get professional help or don't have children at all.

I know for sure that I will never have children, because I don't want to hurt them the way my parents did me. I know I'm not stable enough to handle children.
And I am angry that they did not see they weren't either before they had me.

I actually discovered yesterday, that my mother left me at my grandmother's for 5 months because she couldn't handle me. I was a 1 year old..

[pickwick6]

There are so many reasons why parents fail their children, why they abuse the angels in their care... The most important thing is that you know that it is not your fault... You may never know why, but don't let that stop you from your healing from abuse that was out of your power to change. Read and learn as much as you can about your issues... You have your entire lives in front of you and you do have the power to effect change for yourselves now... You are worth it!!!