[nadima]

hello everyone i need your help!
i'm Muslim almost 25 married and 2 daughters
Here is my story I was married very young at 19 years old to a cousin who has 10 years older than me i was not in love but I liked him. he seemed to be nice and cool so i told my self that i'll be able to love him with time and that was the only way for me to suppress my feminine tendency. yes i like women but it's forbidden by religion and neither my community nor my family whom is very religious accept that (we're from Africa). at the beginning everything was fine I thought I stop with the girls until he returns to USA and leaves me at his parent's house. everything was still ok until I felt that her mother wanted to control me (what I hate most in the world) and what and I refuse flagrantly. then she started to shenanigans until we began no longer get along my husband and I. then with the distance and loneliness I gave to the temptation but before that I had admit to him that I was attracted to girls.but his family wasn't informed.this relationship was the only way I had to support how my in-laws and my husband treated me. we stopped arguing over and more often because his mother kept calling and telling him stories and without trying to understand what happened or at least have my story, he got angry and called me right away to make me his reproaches. what i couldn't stand but from the moment I had the support of my girlfriend her love and understanding I could forget everything else and be happy for a little while. Unfortunately he knew what happened because i spoke to an aunt and she told him everything. since our relationship deteriorated with reconciliations and disputes for nothing.Now that I joined him and we live together for 2 years now, things are more or less better. there still is a problem of communication and trust in both way! the problem now is that I physically stopped relations with girls but my husband does not satisfy me sexually and never have done and yet I still had an orgasm with the girls and I still was super horny with them but my husband is quite the opposite. I do not want to deal with the girls anymore and I want them out of my head completely, at least for the sake of my religion. and i don't know if i have a choice if i wanna save my marriage! besides i don't want my children to live the difficulty of divorce and its consequences. my own parents divorced when I was 8 years old and I've never remitted. and I'm pretty sure this is the cause of all the stupidity that I could do at the time. this is also what led me to this conflict inside me that i fight every day. i really want it to stop and be quit with my conscience.so help me please!!!

[Rapunzel]

Nadima,

What a difficult situation overall. Still, I want to commend you for choosing to give your daughters a better life and for living your values. Nobody can make your choices for you. It really is up to you. Some people would tell you that you should not sacrifice your own happiness to stay in a marriage that isn't right for you. But I think that your children and your religion are important considerations too. I'm not really sure how best to help you except to affirm that the decisions that you have made are legitimate ones. I want to ask you about your relationship with your husband. Is he good to you? Are you ever afraid of what he would do if you upset him or for any other reason? Being physically and emotionally safe is also important, for you, your children, and the well-being of your family.

I think that you do have a lot of things to think about, and maybe it would help to do some writing about what is important to you in the different areas of your life, and what is the most important to you. See if you can figure out what conflicts or obstacles there are, and what you are willing to do in order to hold on to the most important things. What do you need help with and who and what do you think would help you the most?

[Travelinglady]

What a tough situation! I suspect in this country (U.S.A.), now that homosexuality is getting more accepted, that you would not have this struggle as much.

Would your husband possibly be open to some suggestions from you about what might satisfy you physically, maybe in the context of having fun experimenting? Some men are willing to try new things.

I think your husband's relatives are a problem, but I am thinking that that might be more accepted in your country, too.

I agree that you are commended for sticking with your husband, but I know it's really hard under the circumstances.

You might want to write about this topic in the Sexual and Gender Issues forum. Here is the link: http://forums.psychcentral.com/sexual-gender-issues/.

[nadima]

hi Rapunzel! thanks for writing me! you are right. my religion and my children are very important to me. they are my reason for living. I am ready to do anything to make my children happy and safe and keep my faith!
about my husband he's a complicated one! he is spiteful, he has a habit of wanting to know everything and have everything under control and yet he always told you the least possible about him or what he does. he is very nice when he want or he thinks that you deserve it, like a ''reward''. and what is more intolerable is that he takes me for a lassie or a immature. let me give you some example. one day when I was in my country and we had a fight, he stayed about 6 months without calling me or sending me the money for my education and my supply. and since i came here in may 2012 he has not yet done my papers so that I can study or work. every time I asked him he told me either that he had no money or he could not or he would do it on a specific date. and when come that day, nothing. now I'm tired of asking.
but I sure he is afraid if I have my papers and I start to go out he could not watch me or i go back again with the girls whereas everything that interests me now is to finish my studies, take care of my children and strengthen my faith.
I do not want to have to depend on him anymore. I need my independence and if things continue like this I do not think I could stand it
and if it was not my kids I would do everything i can to return to my country

[Rapunzel]

You have good values. The kind of control that your husband is using is scary. Are your children with you? Please make sure that you and they are safe. Have a safety plan, and know where you would go if your husband gets to be out of control. I don't know if the way that he is might be typical in your country, but there is support available here. We still have men who act that way, but we know that women have rights. I was afraid that there was a problem with how he treats you from your first post in this thread. There are women's shelters and other help available if it gets to a point where you need to get out or need things to change.

I stayed with my ex-husband until he finally threw me out, because I wanted my children to have a whole family and because I believe in marriage - it is very important in my religion. I don't regret the divorce, although it wasn't easy.

[nadima]

hey Travelinglady! i know that homosexuality is more accepted now but i need my family to be united; that a promise i made to my self since my parent's divorce.I do not want my children to live in the misfortunes of a parent's separation besides my religion forbids homosexuality so i have no other choice but to berate my feeling
and about the possibility that my husband might be open to some suggestions, i don't think so! there is practically no preliminary when we have sex and he finished almost immediately after penetration. I agree to make love just by conjugal duty.
it's not a easy situation i know but it's my choice.
I could only wish he has a pleasant character, he is easy to live and that I no longer have my homo thoughts that I physically control

[nadima]

tank you very much!
he even goes up to check my emails or my facebook or what I do on the net when he's at work!
yes we are safe, he would not dare hurt me. after all he is my cousin and he loves his children. as i depends entirely on him, the only way for him to punish me is not to entirely meet my personal needs.
don't worry, the way that he is, is typically him.the excess of jealousy makes him behave so i think; he is too possessive. but at the time I could not support him anymore or endure his ways or he become out of control I'll talk to my family and i'll take my dispositions.

[Rapunzel]

I'm glad that you are physically safe. I stayed in my marriage for similar reasons too. I wanted my children to have an intact family. That is something that I still believe in, although it became impossible due to the control issues and emotional abuse. It is hard to recognize those as problems sometimes. I told myself it wasn't that bad. He intimidated but didn't actually hit me. He destroyed me emotionally though. Maybe if I had recognized it earlier, we could have worked on the problems and had a healthier relationship, but at the end I couldn't live that way anymore, he wasn't getting what he wanted from me anymore, and he threw me away like yesterday's trash. That was what the children learned that relationships are like. One is afraid of any sign of anyone liking her. One has a boyfriend who treats her like my ex treated me. One is still a teenager and is very withdrawn and not talking to me much or really doing much of anything. They would have been better off if they had learned that the kind of relationship they saw in my marriage was not right or acceptable. Not saying that it will be the same for you, and I still applaud your desire to do what is best for your children and to live your values.

This might be interesting to you:

Power and Control issues

[nadima]

Thank you again a lot.
I wish i could know you in the real life I'm sure I can learn a lot from you and we could be very good friends.
you're right this kind of relationship is not healthy
since then there's now less than 2 years my elder did not even know her father or she barely knew him. and now we have another baby I want to give them a happy childhood in a beautiful united family. I would not want to disturb them with early changes in their young age. I actually speak more for the eldest. but I do not intend to live this life for a long time and doing nothing. I have plans and I intend to realize them. it just remains me to gather my courage. when he will be decided to file my papers, I will focus on my studies.
otherwise I'm really sorry for your children I hope they'll find the happiness they deserve and will find the person who can love them at their fair value and you also.
I don't know what gonna happen between my husband and i. But i hope that things will work out because apart his mania for controlling everything and knowing everything I love him