[gnat]

Last summer my husband accepted a job working weekend overnights, 12 hour shifts. I work days and we have young children, two in elementary school one in preschool. He really wanted thus job and called me before accepting it. I told him I hated the idea, I hated the idea of him never being around form me and I hate the idea of him being away from the kids.

He's now been at the job for 5 months. The little time I see him he talks of how happy he is. It hurts. I find myself being hurt and angry that he is so happy with his new job even though it means he rarely sees the kids and I. When I do see him its all business, we try to figure out things with the kids and he complains about the state of the house or whatever else he feels I should be doing. Our sex life has suffered too. I do still get laid about 2- 3 days a week but it used to be much more, but we never see each other.

In addition to him being missing from my life, it's hare on the kids too. They ask why he would take a job that keeps him away from them and it tears my heart apart to hear them.

I am finding myself angry, bitter, and detached from our relationship. I am withdrawing, I'm sad all the time, and so desperately lonely. I also feel trapped, like I'm a single parent. In response my husband is angry, is calling me selfish, and he is bitter too.

Is it wrong for me to openly withdraw? Should I just work harder to pretend I'm happy so he can be happy? Pretending is just so exhausting...

[Rose3]

You sound unhappy, as it seems that you've been expected to adjust to your husband's choices (which he made even though you expressed your opposition). Is it really necessary for you to pretend that you're happy? But - instead of withdrawing, is it possible to think of some other ways to view/understand the current situation, in order to consider possibilities that might improve things? In the current situation - what are the pros and cons. What are your options, and what are his options? What would be more in line with what each of you wants - even looking ahead say 3 months, 6 months, 1 year (etc.)?

[gnat]

He told me he wants to stay on his same shift at his current job. He said even if something was to open up on another shift, he doesn't want it. Besides, it takes years to build the seniority to work the good shift. The people who work days on the Monday-Friday shift have put in 20 years or more.

He suggested I leave my job and work weekends too so we can have weekday time together. I would never do that though. We have children, and he may be willing to give his time with them up, but I am not. Besides, who would I find to provide daycare for those hours even if I was willing, which I'm not.

I've suggested selling the house and moving somewhere cheaper so he could work fewer hours or find a job he likes more but pays less. He's not considering that either. I know if I was to push him into quitting (which I doubt he'd to anyway) he would be so angry and bitter that our marriage would fall apart anyway. I feel my choices are fake it and live a life of depression and loneliness and at least he's happy, or continue to withdraw and hope I can find happiness without him.

[Elanora.la]

Is he ONLY working weekends? If so, he should be doing the housework and not complaining about what you haven't done. He should also be making an effort to make evenings family time and easier for you less housework, cooking etc. You need to make it clear to him in words that you feel lonely and trapped, that you understand that it's a good job and you want him to be happy at his job but you need him to make up for the lost time. He shouldn't be happy knowing you are unhappy and he should reassure you and the kids that he wants to spend time with you. Tell him how it hurts you when he raves about how much he loves his job even though it keeps him away from his family. If he understands how you feel he should be sensitive enough to give you the love, time and attention you need.

[healingme4me]

Sounds like, to him, this job is an enormous opportunity. He need not complain about housework, however. Since he's home weekdays, at this point, seems fair and reasonable for him, to pitch in a little more, in that aspect. Since, he is home, weekdays, can he pencil in some family time, with the kids, before you get home from work?

Sounds, like much to compromise, as far as adjusting to the new schedule and routine. Reality, is, many people in this world, work alternate work shifts.

Selling the house, and asking him, to quit, don't sound like very compromising solutions. Scheduling time, and his helping out more, to alleviate your stress, does. Is he present, at all, since his hours are overnight hours and not daytime hours? Is he sleeping the weekends away, and letting you take the brunt of the weekend stressors that come with parenting?

I remember, in marriage, feeling like a single mom, when my then husband was working 60-70 hours a week, and I was home raising three kids, and attending to his nitpicking demands. Are these weekends, 40 hour weekends, or 36 hours? Can he adjust his sleep schedule, to spend time with you and your kids?

[gnat]

He sleeps most of Saturday and leaves for work at 5pm, returning 6:30am Sunday morning. He then sleeps until he has to get up to get ready for work. It repeats Sunday to Monday and Monday to Tuesday. He is home Tyes-Friday evenings but usually brings our 8 year old to scouts on Tuesday nights and I take a class on Thursday nights. So we don't see him much. He can't spend time with the kids during the day because they're at school except for the little one who starts school in the fall.

The jib wasn't a great opportunity. In fact, it was an $8,000 cut in pay from where he was when he worked days, but it's low stress.

I have told him how I feel. He says while he enjoys spending time with me, he doesn't miss me or feel the need to be around me. As far as the kids, he says he'll make it up to them this summer. He says he loves us, but doesn't feel the need to spend time with us. Meanwhile I feel completely trapped.

It is true a lot of couples end up work in opposite shifts, I am aware of that. My husband and I agreed before we had kids because we felt it would be too hard on the marriage. In fact, he made me turn down a job last year because it required me to work every other weekend. It's only OK when it benefits him I guess, yet he calls me selfish when I express how upset I am.

[healingme4me]

One phone call, that's a major cut in pay. Some, not nice comments to you. Most ppl come home from work, stay awake, then sleep get up, go to work.

Is he open, to couples counseling, or is he just plain unaware of how to maintain a lasting marriage?

To answer your question? No. he sounds inflexible.


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[gnat]

He's not open to counseling. We wouldn't have time for it anyway. The lack of time together is our problem.

I'd go as far as saying and I'm treading on dangerous territory her but I will say it anyway.. he's picked the job partially for the exact purpose that he doesn't want to deal. wtih life, family or anything. The job is low stress, thats the motivator for one for him to take it. It's not about money so it's about not dealing with the reality of actually doing something. So the job factor and the type of job he took is very telling. Coupled with the idea that he is away from you more, sleeps the rest of the time and doesn't feel the need to be around you is telling me that he is avoiding anythign responsible. He wants his cake and eat it too. He wants the life of leisure like a single man without responsibililties but wants to pretend that he's actually still in a marriage which IMO, he's not anymore. He's an absent husband and father, and this, doing so on purpose. I won't even go into why he might feel the need to do this, it's wrong no matter what. But the problem is, until he has a problem with it, until he sees what he's doing - avoiding most real life, he won't do anything about it.

I wish I had advice for how to help you get him back involved but I really don't. A brick to the proverbial head maybe? idk.

My heart goes out to you though. I'm sory you're going through this.

[marmaduke]

Yeah agree with s4ndm4n2006 hes being immature and avoiding responsibility.

[gnat]

I had to mull it over a bit, but I think you're right. He was really overwhelmed with not just the work stress, but also stress from.dealing with the kids. Now he says he feels content and he has a ton of time away from them and from me. With this.job he can have his time away from the demands of life yet be a father and husband when he feels like it. He's living the dream at the expense of us.

[Rose76]

Something tells me that there was some kind of problem between you two before he took this job. Does he work another job all during the week? This does sound like there is a serious problem. It sounds like he asked you about getting the job in the first place, and then he took it even though you voiced non-agreement. (?) That was a bad start. If this is a second job, why did he feel he needed a second job. It sounds like the two of you aren't talking things through.

You probably won't be able to pretend to be happy when you are this miserable about the situation. This is tough to resolve. It sounds like one of you is going to be resentful, whichever way you decide. That's a bad sign. You might want to think about marriage counseling.

[gnat]

No, it's not a second job. He took it because he was incredibly miserable at the job he was working day hours at. The position he was hired for was eliminated and he was forced to take a working supervisory role and he found it really stressful. His blood pressure was elevated all the time and he just felt like he couldn't take it anymore.

Prior to this job our marriage was great. The problem is when we don't spend time alone together without the kids we start getting irritable with each other. We stop seeing the fun in each other and focus on the inadequacies. It grows until we get a date night, something that's hard to come by with his new schedule.

Originally Posted by Rose76

Something tells me that there was some kind of problem between you two before he took this job. Does he work another job all during the week? This does sound like there is a serious problem. It sounds like he asked you about getting the job in the first place, and then he took it even though you voiced non-agreement. (?) That was a bad start. If this is a second job, why did he feel he needed a second job. It sounds like the two of you aren't talking things through.

You probably won't be able to pretend to be happy when you are this miserable about the situation. This is tough to resolve. It sounds like one of you is going to be resentful, whichever way you decide. That's a bad sign. You might want to think about marriage counseling.

[Rose76]

With things having been solid in the past, it sounds like you two will work it out. Lots of families have a parent who works night shifts, often on the weekend. People find ways to cope. It's probably lucky that he found any alternative to a job he was miserable in. Sounds like you both deserve some sympathy.

[gnat]

I guess we do. It's so hard to have hope when there is nothing I can do. Normally if something is wrong with my life I work hard to improve it. Problem is, with this I can't fix it. I have to just sit here and take it.

[Rose76]

It sounds like you are going to resent him keeping this job.

[gnat]

Probably so, but less than he'd resent me if I pressured him into quitting, and I get over things where he takes bitterness to the grave. If we can work things out in the future to where we do get to spend time with each other but it's on his terms, things will quickly fix themselves. Hopefully he'll decide this job isn't working out for him.

[Rose76]

Sounds like a stand-off. One of you is going to be mad either way. If he's home Tuesday through Friday, couldn't some quality family time be planned for those evenings? Or is this job completely and thoroughly incompatible with anyone but him having any happiness? Is he totally disregarding everyone's welfare but his own?

I think there may be a solution if the time away is what he needs ultimately. If you come to an agreement to figure out how much is fair, and you give him that time, whether it be via a job or otherwise where he doesn't have to deal with all of it, he needs to come to the table and do his part and help you out for the rest of the time. it can't be this thing where he is making excuses and reasons to be away and make that 90% of the time and think the marriage is ok. Also, if he works with you on that, it's only fair that you get your alone time even if it's minimal as it sounds like being with your kids isn't nearly as bad of a stressor for you. Still you deserve the same 'escape' at times too. This is the compromise that i think would work but again, dependent on if he's willing to work with you on this.

[Teddy24]

This happened to me as well so let me just give you my point. Due to a job opportunity and advancement I was offered a position in the United States and my wife and I were ecstatic.

However, my new boss was a narcissistic bastard and I stayed around for 7 years before all hell broke lose and I left that company. Moved to another company but they were going through massive cutbacks, seen the writing on the wall and then took an Manager position over a data centre. That meant that I would have to work night shifts that were 12 hours. And similar to your husband, it also included weekends. At this point in my marriage, I felt I needed to stay gainfully employed for my wife and daughter and it still was a good job but working nights and weekends was the issue.

So here is my take..

Our marriage had already been rocky (resentment) but we did things together as a family. We had a boat and would do the weekend trips to the lake as a family. We actually had fun but again our marriage now getting worse. When I started to work the night shift, that put the coffin the nail. But my case is different than yours, so this is just an observation. By working nights the boat stayed in the drive and no longer shared the same schedule as a family. When I was off, my wife was working!! I was not happy in our marriage and my wife was not either. I felt that accepting this job paid for the bloody bills and she was not happy because she was an at home Mom for 6 years and now had to go back to work. Both of us had major resentment. So I worked this night shift for 4 years but it really hurt us. Another opportunity came around and I then started working regular hours once again but the damage was already done in our marriage. We were both really pissed off at each other and angry. It was the lowest time in our marriage.

Then an old HS flame contacting her on FB while he was drunk and sitting naked on a beanbag chair eating Cheetos (I just made that up but he had a drinking problem). He had depression problems and he a bad marriage with guess what ....resentment!!! It is strange how that destroys marriages. So he told my wife how much he always loved her, she was so beautiful, he cared for her, wanted to protect her, asked her for forgiveness when they broke up 27 years ago, complimented each other; full emotional affair, followed by a physical affair and both divorced their spouses and now they are married. So that is what happened to me but does not mean it will happen to you. My situation was the perfect storm. In other words, my wife had this huge emotional void and he told her things that she wanted to her. She would not even think of marriage counseling and wanted a divorce.

However, if your marriage is suffering now, be very careful!! My Ex-wife told me recently, when I started to work shift work that negatively affected our relationship. She told me that if her HS Boyfriend contacted her then, she would have not gotten involved with him. BTW, I think that is B.S but that is another story. My advice, talk talk talk and communicate!!!! You need to tell each other how much you appreciate what each of you do. I really feel your pain!!!

[gnat]

I do get out once a week for a dance class. Extra here and there when I perform.

When he worked a day job I encouraged him to get time for himself, but he was too busy feeling overwhelmed and never went.

I get home from work around 6pm and at that time we're getting the kids' homework done, baths/showers and getting them ready for bed. By the time they are in bed there's very little left of me because I get uo at 5:30 because I have a long commutr.

My beef isn't that he doesn't do enough around the house (it's a small matter to me) it's his absence and nagging when he is around. I do feel he's coming around on the nagging thing (I told him he can earn a sticker every time he makes a day without nagging. It makes him laugh and when I say, "No sticker today" he stops himself). It's the lack of time, and I guess part of me is hurt that hes OK with the lack of time. I guess you could say in addition to depression from loneliness, I feel rejected.

[gnat]

Teddy- thank you for your story.

Yes, i could see that happening quite easily. I mean, I'm not one to cheat but if someone came along and paid attention to me, filled the void that was left when my husband started this separate life, i do find myself wondering if I would leave our marriage. I wonder it a lot. Honestly, I've wondered how long I'll give it before I feel I'm missing out on my life and I need something more. If he is still working this job in 7 years, I don't think I'll still be here.

I'm sorry to hear your wife cheated. That just plain blows.

Originally Posted by Teddy24

This happened to me as well so let me just give you my point. Due to a job opportunity and advancement I was offered a position in the United States and my wife and I were ecstatic.

However, my new boss was a narcissistic bastard and I stayed around for 7 years before all hell broke lose and I left that company. Moved to another company but they were going through massive cutbacks, seen the writing on the wall and then took an Manager position over a data centre. That meant that I would have to work night shifts that were 12 hours. And similar to your husband, it also included weekends. At this point in my marriage, I felt I needed to stay gainfully employed for my wife and daughter and it still was a good job but working nights and weekends was the issue.

So here is my take..

Our marriage had already been rocky (resentment) but we did things together as a family. We had a boat and would do the weekend trips to the lake as a family. We actually had fun but again our marriage now getting worse. When I started to work the night shift, that put the coffin the nail. But my case is different than yours, so this is just an observation. By working nights the boat stayed in the drive and no longer shared the same schedule as a family. When I was off, my wife was working!! I was not happy in our marriage and my wife was not either. I felt that accepting this job paid for the bloody bills and she was not happy because she was an at home Mom for 6 years and now had to go back to work. Both of us had major resentment. So I worked this night shift for 4 years but it really hurt us. Another opportunity came around and I then started working regular hours once again but the damage was already done in our marriage. We were both really pissed off at each other and angry. It was the lowest time in our marriage.

Then an old HS flame contacting her on FB while he was drunk and sitting naked on a beanbag chair eating Cheetos (I just made that up but he had a drinking problem). He had depression problems and he a bad marriage with guess what ....resentment!!! It is strange how that destroys marriages. So he told my wife how much he always loved her, she was so beautiful, he cared for her, wanted to protect her, asked her for forgiveness when they broke up 27 years ago, complimented each other; full emotional affair, followed by a physical affair and both divorced their spouses and now they are married. So that is what happened to me but does not mean it will happen to you. My situation was the perfect storm. In other words, my wife had this huge emotional void and he told her things that she wanted to her. She would not even think of marriage counseling and wanted a divorce.

However, if your marriage is suffering now, be very careful!! My Ex-wife told me recently, when I started to work shift work that negatively affected our relationship. She told me that if her HS Boyfriend contacted her then, she would have not gotten involved with him. BTW, I think that is B.S but that is another story. My advice, talk talk talk and communicate!!!! You need to tell each other how much you appreciate what each of you do. I really feel your pain!!!