How to get over a girl after over a year

In January of 2013 I asked out a girl that I was absolutely sure was "the one" if such a thing exists. She turned me down and I haven't been able to get her out of my head. She has since graduated from my university and has moved away. Odds are I will never see her again but we have been in semi-regular contact through facebook and texting. Even though we never actually went out and it's been over a year I'm still not completely over her. It took months after she rejected me for me to even look at another girl without feeling like I was cheating on her and every time we talk I can't help but smile at every aspect of her personality. Unfortunately it has been difficult to find someone else since she is so great she effectively became my standard for women, blowing every standard I had before out of the water. Every time I think I'm over her, something comes up that makes me wish we were together even though logically there is almost zero chance of that ever happening. How do I get over her and move on with my life?

Good question. A lot of it time, time to let your brain and body come to terms with the fact that she is not interested. Then it's more time for your "judging, afraid to let go self" to comes to terms that just because you are looking at someone else or talking to someone else that you are not cheating because there is no relationship to cheat. Finally there is that part of your brain that will insist on comparing everyone with the one that got away.

I know it sounds very grim, but with a little bit of work it is doable. First I would discontinue contact with her. Every time you talk to her, it reminds you of what you missed out on, and wonder why she rejected you. When you invite someone to go out with you, don't take her where you think the other girl would like. Create new memories with the new girl. Try out new restaurants and activities.

Good luck!

I had a situation very much like this one, so I understand what you're dealing with. It's hard to communicate with people because they ask questions like..."how long were you together?" etc. You don't have to date someone to fall in love. I know married couples that don't even have a droplet of love for eachother. I tried for 2 years to be with the same guy, and it was a back and forth battle, and he was always the one turning me down. It was extremely painful.
Now, over a year after I moved states away from this person, I have found someone wonderful. He is everything the back and forth battle guy couldn't be. Supportive, devoted....and he's around making me a priority.
My advice to you would be to take a step back and really look at the situation. I am sure this woman is wonderful and you both probably do have an amazing connection, and something like that is hard to turn away from. But until you view the relationship differently, and as enticing as it is to talk to her, you need to consider the possibility that she isn't the one. And keeping her as a priority in your life is hurting you and preventing you from seeing opportunities around you. Time and space really are healers, so let yourself not send her that message. Or maybe don't respond to that text. It can be very empowering, and suddenly you realize that you have the control, and you can get over her. As long as you have the will to, because you can not get over her if you don't really try to.

Back and forth battle guy WAS the standard, and the one that got away. It took time and space for me to see it, but now I would never consider going back to him. Once I stopped nurturing the idea that he was everything I wanted, everything changed. Take an honest look at the situation, and you may be surprised at what you have been hiding from yourself.

I hope I've been of some help.

-S

First off....you didn't even really know this girl since you never dated her & she turned you down without even being willing to date you. It isn't until after you really get to know a person can you really determine the things you think you determined about her.

What you think of her is imagined in your mind only by the outside vision you saw of her & the actions she let other people see.....you have NO IDEA what she was really like. You might have gotten to know her & she might have been the worst person you have ever known.

So the point....don't hold onto things that aren't reality even if your imagination tells you they are. Many people hold onto what they WISH would be or would have been that has absolutely nothing to do with reality. Coming to terms with reality.....using mindfulness is one place to start.

I met this guy in college.....he was nice....we got along.....we even decided after 6 months that maybe marriage would be a good thing.....however just a few months before the wedding....I came to see his true colors & attitudes that I knew were real problems for me......my mother liked him....told me it was normal to have fears before the wedding & that he would grow up when he had to......she was WRONG....I was right.......33 years later I finally was able to leave him for the same reasons I had for NOT wanting to marry him in the first place.

We so have to be in touch with reality & what things REALLY ARE....not just what we wish they were or hope they will be.....& when we can come to grips with that.....it's when we will be able to get through things like you are dealing with here.

I've been in this SAME exact situation numerous times. I know what you mean by her being the standard for women. I have been infatuated with multiple women who I felt I couldn't be complete without, and needed to hear from them in order to be happy. I know that feeling, believe me, especially about them being the ONLY one. But that's the thing! Each one of them was "the one". That's contradictory! So I came to the conclusion that they must not have each been the one if I soon fell for someone else. With that said, only time will heal it, but you will move on once you find someone else you fancy. Right now I am looking at facebook and see a girl I was OBSESSED with for a good 3 years of my life, and at the time I would constantly look at her facebook and imagine being with her, constantly just thinking about her and how I could be in her life. Well, now when I see her name on facebook, honestly don't even care, and don't even bother going to her profile. I moved on and so will you. message me if you need someone to talk to.

Well, its not so much about how to get over her (because there's nothing between you that warrants getting over), but more about how to get over the rejection.

I'm no head dr, but IMO, sounds like you keep this relative stranger on a pedastal to avoid being rejected in future. I mean, if no one measures up to this unrealistic standard you've set, you give nobody else a chance, and thus nobody has the opportunity to reject you.

Because really what do you KNOW that she's got, that no other girl has? And why place her on a pedastal and make her thee standard when she didn't even bother to give you a chance?

I get the whole "nobody compares to you" deal, I sincerely do. Difference is, I personally know who I'm talking about and can make actual comparisons, while you're comparing ideas you have.

People fall in and out of love all the time, but true love is reciprocated. If I decide I'm in love with Johnny Depp because I've seen in depth interviews, think he's brilliant and admire his work, doesn't mean he's the one, not even if I follow him on twitter.

I can see this obviously bugs you and I'm not trying to belittle your experience by my bluntness. What I am trying though, is to show you that I think you're focussing on the wrong issue and that's why a year later you've not made any moves forward.

I may be wrong, you may not fear rejection at all. I mean idk you from a bar of soap. But I do know that this girl isn't the issue because she never gave you a chance to become an issue in the first place.

My advice? Dig a little deeper (honestly) and you'll find what you seek.

Thank you for your responses. I was told before that the only way to move foreword was to cut off contact with her but every fiber of my being has resisted that so far. As to whether or not I'm just afraid of rejection I would definitely say I am. Her and I were friends for months before I asked her out and I've never met anyone I had more in common with before or since her. I guess the reason I haven't been able to get over her is because if she didn't want to go out with me I'm afraid no one will.

Unrequited love is a nightmare. U think they are feeling you, you have so much in common and then when your in deep they shoot you down.I'm trying to convince myself I still want her because I didn't get the thrill of the chase. It took me years to cut all connections. Every year she finds some way to find me n loves me but can't be with me. Cut her off asap. When they notice your not around they seem to miss you.

You'll never get over her until you find someone else.

That's part of the problem. I have almost no experience with relationships. In fact the only experience I have with relationships is either being turned down when I ask someone out or one time when a girl liked me but after a week, 800 texts from her and even more facebook messages and seeing her face to face she actually induced a stress related illness because she couldn't make up her mind about whether she wanted to be with me. Also I have Asperger's so recognition of body language isn't all that great.