As much as I do not want to find out my fiancee' is cheating. Here are the facts:

1. She has cheated once before.

2. She has denied me use of her cell until she has seen it.

3. Her ex-boyfriend, Tony, has texted her twice but not in ten days.
A."It's still Murky." as if a response of some sort.
B. "Still luvs ya." as if he were bringing it up.

4. Me and her have been fighting a lot lately. More than ample reason to step out.

5. She and I have not had sex but once in almost 3months.

6. She gets very "ratcheted" at me if I am standing next to her while she is online.

7. She wants to dress more scantily.
There is only one counterpoint:

Time, when would she get the time to do it. Except when she claims to be out with Charmaine.

Input people. I need all the input I can get. I don't need hugs or a supportive that sucks. I want input. Thanks for your time. -Michael-

[Rhapsody]

From My POV..... I would say that it is possible that she is carrying on with someone else... and not so much because she has cheated before, but due to some of the other reasons you mentioned... those reasons (if true) seem to be saying I am up to some thing that I do not want my b/f to find out about.

NOW - in all honesty you will never know until you talk to her about your concerns, or catch her read handed.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[SeptemberMorn]

If you've lost your trust in her, why don't you just get out of the relationship?

IMPO, your actions towards her show that lack of trust and she's probably reading it as control. Maybe THAT is what is making her back away from you.

Are you really engaged to be married or do you call her your fiance because you're living together? There's a big difference.

[Perna]

Michael, you're too concentrated on whether she is cheating or not instead of trying to solve the problems between the two of you. Why have you been fighting? I'd get racheted at you too if you stood "over me" when I was trying to work/play online. And why are you using her cell, what's wrong with yours? I think you're smothering her a bit?

If she's cheating or not, that will become evident at some time; work on being the best boyfriend you can be, supportive, caring, "yourself" and not on catching her out and suspecting her, etc. You have a life to live that's separate from hers and what she's doing, even if you were married to her. Concentrate on becoming the kind of man you want to be.

[TYMBERWOLV]

Michael, you're too concentrated on whether she is cheating or not instead of trying to solve the problems between the two of you. Why have you been fighting? I'd get racheted at you too if you stood "over me" when I was trying to work/play online. And why are you using her cell, what's wrong with yours? I think you're smothering her a bit?

If she's cheating or not, that will become evident at some time; work on being the best boyfriend you can be, supportive, caring, "yourself" and not on catching her out and suspecting her, etc. You have a life to live that's separate from hers and what she's doing, even if you were married to her. Concentrate on becoming the kind of man you want to be.

I agree here the focus needs to be on "you" what are you doing to become the best person you are ..

I had the some issues with my spouse and because I always suspected something that was not there she pushed away from me stating "You are too controlling " people have thier owns lives outside of other peoples lives and views ..

If you think that there is an Trust issue confront it but do it in a non confrontational manner and not accusing her

are you trying to build a case or a bridge?

[alphamicky]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
More than ample reason to step out.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Then get out... the sooner the better for the both of you. Just move on.

[AlteredState01]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Input people. I need all the input I can get. I don't need hugs or a supportive that sucks. I want input. Thanks for your time. -Michael-

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

No sympathy, then.

I think you are acting like a gigantic Butt.

You have GOT to take a look at YOURSELF man!

I can go on and on about the psych reasons for acting this way, but I just don't have the patience for it at the moment, and I doubt it will help anyway because you probably already have that knowledge.

In my experience, relationships that are rife with jealousy do not stand a chance. Oh sure, it may continue for years, but eventually, there will be a complete breakdown and someone is going to get hurt - badly.

You have got to figure out if you are sabotaging this relationship (by continually being suspicious and jealous, forcing her to become distant and resentful) because you do not have the guts to let go on your own (if that is truly what you want), or your are just behaving the same way you always do in every relationship by pushing her away
(unconcious behaviours will follow you into every relationship)

OR

She is actually just not that into you anymore for whatever reason, including not being able to handle your illness(es) any longer (most people who do not suffer from mental/physical illness(es) do not have great amounts of patience with our kind, especially in our younger years). She may be acting out in the same way you are - by sabotaging the relationship by behaving the way she is (ie. dress, use of other friends to provide alibies, etc.) so she does not have to come clean and say she also no longer wants to be a part of this relationship, or is simply fed up by your antics.

Either way, One (or both) of you is not being entirely honest here.

And since we do not have the benefit of her side of the story, it seem like YOU are the one looking for all the clues and are trying to establish all the necessary proof you need to get out.

I don't know if the above makes sense, but let me give you an example of how I used to operate:

When I realized that I no longer wanted to be in a relationship (for whatever reason, including feeding my illness by repeating certain behavioural patterns), I would start to behave in ways that would definitely sabotage a relationship - such as some of the things your girlfriend is doing now - actually that was my main M.O.

The purpose? To FORCE the OTHER person to make the decision that I could not bring myself to do because I did not want to confront that reality. I made it so difficult for my partner(s) that they eventually HAD to make that decision. In my head, I thought I was being kind, by making myself appear to be the bad one (which I was, but only because of the way I went about ending the relationship). I did not want to tell my partner that I just did not want to continue with him. I did not want him to feel that I was rejecting HIM, so I gave him reasons to reject ME.

Of course, I was aware that I would be the one who always looked like the bad guy, and to be honest, I always was when I pulled this stunt, and all because I could not/ would not/did not want be honest with myself or my partner.

I have only read this particular post on this subject, and am assuming that from what your subject line and what the message says, or rather, how it is worded, that alot of your problems are coming directly from you.

Regardless of what the real reasons are, if you do not change your attitude about jealousy and suspicion, you will always find yourself in this position - by finding mates that are not trustworthy to begin with, or by destroying, by your own hand, those that are good and genuine.

Altered State

If I have not made sense, I apologize. I am a little worked up about this at the moment. If you need further clarification (or just want to give me a good once over), just reply. No offence will be taken on my part by your response.

[TYMBERWOLV]

[SeptemberMorn]

Way to go!!

[AlteredState01]

There is also one alternative that I failed to mention - and I find this to be very popular in jealousy situations:

Are you sure you are not the one who has been looking around, playing games with other women (flirting, etc.)? Because oftentimes, and especially in cases of jealousy, it is the person who is doing the accusing that is actually the one doing the fooling around...

If you are, you are simply projecting your suspicious behaviour onto her.

I love how all of you have turned this on me. I realize that I asked for no sympathy but opinion, and that's what I go I guess...

I didn't think there was so much will out there to make me out to be the bad guy. Yes, I have been digging around. Nothing too heavy, come to find out she did mess around on me in the past. 2 more times than she said. so, who is being meesed up? I have never EVER even flirted with another person while I am with her. If anything, her behavior warrants a look through by me. Just because I brought it up, doesn't make me the bad guy. It makes me what I always knew I was. Cautious, not stupid.

[seeker1950]

V, I don't think you're a bad guy. I think the symptoms you've described suggest the relationshp is in trouble...or over. That thing about not wanting to be next to you in line...getting all ratcheted, of all things told me there was something seriously wrong. I can only relate to that from personal experience, and if I didn't want my love next to me in lline for ANYTHING, I'd have to say I didn't love him or even LIKE him. Much less, your disclosure that you have not been intimate for a very long time...three months!
I say let it go....move on!
Patty

[AlteredState01]

Yeah, I probably should have searched for previous threads before replying - maybe you can provide them for me?

Please, these are just opinions - mine. And as I said, I am basing this on this post only.

When one can look at a post by studying what it says and how it is said from an objective (albeit lacking in much detail / history) view, it is easier to state things in a much more matter-of-fact way.

And you did say you did not want to be coddled...

Nevertheless, I believe I provided both sides with "good and bad" aspects and did not just blame you (although there is a certain distaste about this topic that comes across in how you express yourself in the subject line)

And who said anything about "her" being around when you flirt? That would be stupid. If one is going to flirt, it would be better done if the g/friend is NOT around to see it - and much easier to get away with...

And anyway, what exactly do you mean by:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I have never EVER even flirted with another person while I am with her.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Does that mean that you flirt when she is not there?

Be careful now what you say here; everybody flirts to some degree. One can flirt innocently, too!

I meant that as I am with her in this relationship, not just with her physically...As i sit here eating my frozen tv dinner brownie, I can't help but think that maybe that it reall,y is over...I have confronted her today and while she seemed passionate about staying together and doing good, I felt left a little like I was being led around, I just can't accept 6yrs...just over like that..I truly do love her with all of my heart..without her, I'm nothing...

[Bethsway]

Michael your partner in life doesn't make you who you are....you are not nothing without her...yes she may enhence your life...but she does not make it...I hope you can find a way to trust each other...or else it truly will not work...There cannot be true love without trust...This is only my opinion but I do feel that trust and love go hand and hand...without it...it is time to move on...

[AlteredState01]

VengerBoi,

I can hear the heaviness in your heart and mine is aching for you because of it. 6 years is a long time - a lifetime when it is a love relationship.

Whatever may happen, please do not stop loving her. Loving her was not wrong...

In my last relationship, I had an epiphany at the moment my boyfriend told me it was over (although we had both known for quite some time that this moment was coming - it was a matter of who would make the first move).

As he was saying to me: "I don't love you anymore," I realized at that very instant that just because he no longer felt the same about me, it did not change how I felt about him. I truly loved him (maybe not as I once did) and just because the relationship was over did not mean I had to change how I felt toward him.

I did let him go with as much grace as possible (new girlfriend got involved - got a little ugly). I never regretted hanging onto that love I had for him, and in some ways, I believe it actually helped me to accept things and move on faster than what I had experienced in previous relationship breakdowns.

I always thought I had to let go of the love that I had felt along with the person, but that is simply not so. Though the person was gone, the memories I have of him now are looked upon with a certain fondness and peace. He was a good man and I am glad that I can still see that.

I had never had that type of experience before, and I felt like I had matured immensely because of the way I chose to accept that reality.

I know there are no words that could be said that will lessen your pain.

Do know though, that your time spent together was not all a waste, nor was the love you expressed, for that matter.

Altered State

I cannot help but feel a partial responsibility for how you are feeling. My intent was not to push you toward a breakup (if, indeed, that happens), but to offer insight into some general behaviours that are made manifest through jealousy.

[ster]

If this relationship is meant to be then it will. If this is meant to go your seperate ways I had a relationship a lot like the one you are discribing we went our seperate ways. I would like to say one more thing. If you are comfortable with who you are and willing to let the person be who and what they are. like a caged animal it will fight harder and harder. I wish you luck in becoming your own person.

[almostangela]

V, imagine for a moment that you are with someone who you trust and you don't have to have any of these insecure feelings zooming around inside your head. Imagine someone who loves you just as much as you love them. You can't find that unless you end this. 6 years is not a waste. It is only a chapter in your life. All the best to you.

[

Input people. I need all the input I can get. I don't need hugs or a supportive that sucks. I want input. Thanks for your time. -Michael-

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

as i said earlier, are you trying to build a bridge or a case?

i believe that people here gave you input and frequently when one does offer that, it isn't what we want to hear. it is very difficult to see what is really going on in your life so the only thing we can deal with is what you choose to write. good luck.

[Wants2Fly]

Hi there VB -- I am about the last person who has any insight to offer you about relationships. Endings are hard, IMHO.

You have reflected here some observations that don't add up to me -- you don't trust your gf, you haven't had sex in a long time, and she doesn't seem to want to even be next to you. Yet, you state that you would be "nothing" without her.

What makes her and this relationship so desirable? Is there anything left on which to build that bridge, that Pat suggests?

Or perhaps, are you remembering a relationship that used to be instead of one that is now.

I guess I'd add that it seems to me that all relationships go through heavy weather. Both people have to be commited to get through the storms. Or so it seems to me.

[Leilee]

Oh Micheal-
A relationship is a two way street. I realize her infidelities sting like a bee and still you have played some part for that. Maybe it could have been your jealously or controlling behavior that brought her excuses to it, even though in marriage there's no excuse for it, it can be worked though and reconciled. To me love is a powerful healing source, it's just where and who you choose to do it with that counts. I've recently discovered that for me, in any relationship I have, friendship or lover, I've got to have trust first than love if possible. If I ever marry it will have to have both Trust and Love, because I believe I'm worth at least that much.

Because I'm in recovery of a broken relationship and grieving, eating and sleeping are difficult. Resentment prayers are done daily. Exercising as much as possible helps and keeping in touch with my Tdoc helps wkly.

Best wishes in whatever your decision maybe. Leilee

Your subjective evidence mostly points toward huge mistrust and suspicion in your relationship. That amount of mistrust really should be adressed and clarified for the health of the relationship.

I hope you and she can find a counselor to help you.

[Amama]

I say go with your gut and if she is hiding things from you then that means that she is doing something. My boyfriend did the exact same thing and it was so obvious.....would not let me stay near him when online .....took his cell phone upsatirs when a call came thru and he started coming home really late and then just stayed out all night...and then one day ....i caught him and the girl and believe me...it is not a good feeling at all and i am hurting so much over this...so very very much........this is the first guy that i ever slept with and he gave me his word that he would never cheat on me and now who feels like the stupid one?.....not him......ME.......and i am the one suffering and paying for it......and the unbelievable thing is he was the one accusing me of cheating and when i confronted him..his reasoning for it all was that he was bored but she did not mean anything to him.

Believe me.....you will be the one left to deal with the hurt all on your own and nobody will be there for you at all.