My brother is a horrible person

Hi! Sorry I don't really know how to title this, but I have always had a strained relationship with my brother. He always insulted me badly and even got physical with me many times. He is 5 years older than me. I am 21 and he is 26. Me and my brother still live with out parents, but he is the opposite of me. He takes advantage of my dad's luxuries. He thinks he's entitled to everything, he's spoiled and coddled by my mother all the time. My parents are very passive people and gave us whatever we wanted, but the difference between me and my brother is that I am really appreciative of what my parents give me, and I respect them and their house, and their possessions a lot.

My brother treats my parents badly and just insults me badly and it's always been this way, and I always got disgusted with his arrogant behavior. Well he got a girlfriend She's from Canada, and he met her online, and well she stayed at our house like 7 months ago but it was only for 3 days so it wasn't a big deal. Our house is small though and we have no room for another person, but he planned to have his girlfriend stay at the house in January and he didn't even tell my mom. My dad was the one that said to my mom "Did you know that Jessica is staying here?" Me and my mother were shocked cause he was just going to show up with her, and it's not his house to do that.

Then to top it all off, my brother said she might go home in a week or 2 weeks or a month. He wasn't giving my mom and dad a concrete answer on when she is leaving. I was getting so sick of the disrespect my brother was doing to my parents, using their cars like 20 hours out of the day, stealing money, etc. Well I heard him and his girlfriend have sex in the house, and that was the final straw for me, so I flipped out and said "Get out of here, you guys should have got a hotel room, stop being disrespectful pigs" and it just escalated into a fight.

Then it escalated where my brother just kept fighting with me, we were calling each other names, and his girlfriend thought this all was funny. So then my brother put his hands on my face, and then my mother called the cops. When the cops were here his girlfriend said "She needs mental help" My brother and her kept saying that I was "crazy" and I said "He put his hands on me!" She said "I have known him and he is never violent" I said "Woah! You've only met him twice, and you talked to him online for 2 years, and you can be anybody you want on the internet, so no you don't know him and yes he has had a history of violence with me" So the cops forced them to leave.

Then they were forced to get a hotel, which is what they should have gotten in the first place, and then, all of a sudden I am out at a store, and my mom calls me franticly, and said "The cops bursted through the door, and were looking for you, they were here to arrest you, cause your brother filed a 302 on you" "Now you have a warrant out for your arrest to go to the mental hospital, you have to turn yourself in, or else they will come back and arrest you" I was shocked, angry and upset. So were my parents. I had to spend hours at this mental hospital, wasting space for someone who actually needs it. The doctors even said to me "Your brother is wasting our time" so I was sent home.

I literally hate my brother after that. I have had it with him, and I just can't stand him now. My parents are forcing forgiveness but it's not going to happen and it just stresses me out even more. That was a traumatic experience for me, and my brother is treacherous, he sealed his fate with me. I just don't get why my parents don't understand that. My brother doesn't feel bad at all about it, and he thinks it was right to do it, and now he's turning it around, and saying that I am jealous of him and his girlfriend, when I could care less about them, and I hate them, they mean absolutely nothing to me. But I am called evil, a ***** , a grudge holder etc. When I am just fed up with the hurt. I am fed up with him, all I ask is for distance, and he just keeps coming at me, and my parents keep forcing forgiveness, and I just don't want to forgive.

Any thoughts about this? I just want other peoples support or advice. Thanks for reading! I appreciate it!

I'm so sorry you went through such a traumatic experience. You are in a nightmare. Do you see a therapist? I'd suggest that, they could help you figure out how to keep yourself safe. I don't know what to think if your parents won't stand up to your brother. (((big)))

So your parents have not thrown your brother yet?

Your brother is a narcissist. Your parents sound weak, they want you to 'forgive him' No way.
Could you move out and get away from this environment?

That's quite an experience to go through. You don't have any obligation to forgive your brother. You would be wise to get out of being in between your parents and your brother. If they will tolerate behavior from him that you think is disrespectful, that is really their business. It will probably be that way for as long as you all live, and you would save yourself a lot of aggravation by accepting that you can't change it.

Look at the bright side. If he and this new girlfriend get along, maybe he will be looking to move out soon and get a place with her. Sooner or later, you will probably be moving out of there, yourself. In the meantime, it is your parents' house, and it is up to them to set the rules, or lack of rules. It sounds like your parents are more disturbed by you and your brother fighting, than by your brother's behavior. Just ignore him and don't try to change what you cannot change.

I am currently seeing a Psychologist, but it's just that nobody understands what I go through with my brother, cause he is a different person with other people, and he is manipulative. I am not engaging with him, and I try to avoid him at all cost. I am going to school in May, and I plan on getting a job and trying to move out myself. I don't know his plans, but most likely he will stay with my parents cause he's babied by them, and has a comfortable lifestyle here. My brother is so annoying cause he's trying to "repair" our relationship, but he is still emotionally abusive even after all of this, and it's ********. I am just at the point, where I don't give a **** about him and his life, and I just want to move on with mine, and I could care less if I ever see him again. My parents don't understand this, and said "He's really sorry about what happened, it's been 4 months, why don't you both just call it truce" I said "NO ****ING WAY!" My brother just says that I am "evil" cause I won't forgive him, when I have forgiven him in the past for all the horrible things he said to me, and he got physically abusive many times with me too! I am just fed, and don't want to deal with his arrogant, cocky, rude, psychotic attitude. Thank you!

No, because my parents are very liberal, and didn't teach me and my brother that we have to make it on our own. I realize that I can't live off of my parents for the rest of my life, thus why I am getting a job and going to school. I appreciate my parents a lot. I appreciate the vehicle my dad bought me and everything! But my brother just thinks he is so entitled, and he treats my parents like ****, and he treats me the worst. He acts like a spoiled, rich, baby. When we are not rich, my dad just just has a lot of luxuries. My brother never worked or anything, but he thinks it's ok to just live off of our parents, when I have told him before that he can't do that for the rest of his life. Cuase they are not going to be around forever and then what are you gonna do? He just would of course get angry with me, and act like a piece of crap. I am just so sick of him. Thank you!

I am working on moving out. It's just my brother is annoying cause he keeps approaching me, and I am trying hard to not engage, but he keeps approaching me and then he keeps pinning it on me. He keeps saying "It's because you were jealous of me and my girlfriend, and our relationship, that is why you got angry and, you do need mental help Sara, so it was the right thing to do. You hate yourself so much, and you have so much hate in your heart, you need to let go of that hate and forgive. You are stubborn and you have trust issues" I am just like "**** you!" I do have trust issues now. I 've always had them, but my trust issues are more severe now, and I just literally don't trust anyone. Nobody understands me, cause they don't know the severity of the situation. It's just one bad thing after another. I just hate my brother, and now he's turning it around on me, he can't accept the fact that I just hate his guts. But thank you! I do agree he is a narcissist. Thanks for the support!

Yes! I agree! But he actually wants his nasty girlfriend to move in here, he isn't going to move out anytime soon, cause my brother has a cushioned lifestyle here with my parents. So I highly doubt he will move out, and him and his stupid girlfriend act like Psychologists and pick me apart constantly. I hear them on the phone, they are saying all the time "She's holding a grudge, and she has trust issues, she is just full of hate etc." They are not smart enough to diagnose me, and I see a Psychologist right now and she said I just have trust issues that's it, and they are just picking me apart, and trying to analyze everything I do, it's ****ing annoying, cause if they mean absolutely nothing to me, then keep me out of your conversation, keep me out of your life. Like I could care less about him and their life. I do feel stuck right now, and to have my brother keep on standing his ground that he's right and that I am mentally screwed up etc. It just makes things a lot more aggravating and more frustrating, but thank you! I do agree it's my parent's house, but I am not making up excuse for myself, but honestly I was coming from a place, of love and respect from my parents, cause him and his girlfriend were here for a week at this point, and they were just taking advantage and they thought it was funny, they thought it was cool etc. I was fed up with them just acting like pigs, and taking advantage of my parents, so I was coming from a place of protection for them. Cause my parents don't realize that he does this to them, cause they just think everything he does is right. Thanks again for the support!

Also I would like to add that my Psychologist has told me to not engage and to not give him a reaction. I try my hardest to do this, but my mother who I always trusted, is making me not trust her anymore. Cause all she does is force the forgiveness ****. She keeps saying "Your feelings are valid Sara! I am just coming from a place of a mother, I don't want my kids to be fighting and to be in despair." What my mother doesn't understand is that me and my brother fought all the time, and we always had vicious arguments and physical violence involved. I wasn't the one to do it first, cause I am not a violent person, but he would of course, start acting violent with me, like I dealt with this crap since I was kid, I am just fed up! It was the icing on the cake what he and his girlfriend did to me. They are to not be trusted, and are treacherous. I hate them and will remain this way, and I just don't get why my parents aren't understanding this. Even though my parents have always been fair with us, I just feel like they are more on his side, even though they acknowledged what he did was wrong, but I just feel like they baby him more, and are more understanding of him. I feel so stuck cause I literally don't want to see them again, I am at that point in my life. I have severe trust issues now, and I feel like I can't trust anybody. Thanks everyone for the support! I appreciate it a lot, cause I feel so alone in this.

It would bother me too if I were in your situation, and it is perfectly reasonable to ask your brother to be respectful of you and of your parents' home. He did wrong in laying hands on you. I have people in domestic violence groups (I'm a therapist and lead those groups) who were court-ordered for similar things. Your parents have created this monster and you can express your opinion and tell them that you don't like living with him acting the way that he does. If they would go and see your psychologist with you for a family session, maybe with just your mom once and then go from there, that could be helpful. But they are who they are, and your brother is who he is, and you can't change that. They are going to make their own choices and all that you can do is make requests.

I think that moving out will probably be your best bet. Then you can be the independent one who is responsible and takes care of herself, and your brother can be a user if he wants to and your parents keep letting him, but people who know you will see the difference. On forgiveness, that isn't for your brother. You should not let him continue to threaten and abuse you, and you need to do what is necessary to set limits and get yourself into an environment that you feel is appropriate. But staying angry at him will only amuse him, make your mom worry, and keep you miserable. For your own happiness and well-being, you owe it to yourself to let go and move on with your life. Have you heard of radical acceptance? It is the idea that even though you don't like or agree with what is happening, you know that it is the way things are, choose to accept that, and do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. It's not easy, but it is the only thing that is going to work when you are dealing with people like this. I'm sorry that they are like that. Hang in there. You can change this dynamic for yourself and for your future family if you have one.

It does sound like he isn't going to be moving out anytime soon. Deep down, your parents may even kind of want him to always be there. This sounds like an environment that you are not going to feel happy in. Getting established as an independent person with your own residence can be tough, but you will be motivated to put in the effort that it takes.

Meanwhile, if he physically attacks you, that is against the law. It is also against the law to threaten another person with physical harm. Should that happen, you can call the police. You can always go and fill out a police report about any incident like this that occurs.

Besides it being against the law and a reportable offense for him to threaten you or get violent with you, it is against the law for him to harass you by getting you detained for psychiatric observation when it isn't warranted. He did that once. If he does it again, he establishes a pattern of harassment and you can take legal steps against him for that too. Besides, the authorities will get to know him and that he has that pattern of retaliating against you that way, and they will know that he is just trying to harass you again and will put a stop to it.

Thank you Rapunzel! I do agree with everything you are saying. My parents are so dense, and just don't understand. I realized a long time ago, that things will never change. Thus why, I don't want to forgive, cause why forgive someone if they are just going to keep doing the same thing? Keep being emotionally abusive towards me. My brother is a narcissist for sure, he thinks he's so entitled, so if I were to forgive him it would just give him a big ego boost, and he would just think "Haha I have control! I win" Cause he's all about control. But thank you so much for the support and advice!

I called the cops on him one time when he grabbed my neck and slammed into the wall, but because I didn't have any physical markings, the cops didn't do anything. The cops just told me to get a PFA which my parents talked me out of, and I had to abide by their rules cause I live in their house. So I felt torn, even though my parents are very loving parents they are dense though and don't understand the severity of my brother. The most they did was yell at him to never put his hands on my again, and they were just saying to him how wrong he was etc. But they wouldn't let me get a PFA. I think in their minds they think just by yelling at him and telling him he's wrong, that will suffice. Like that is all, ok, move on with our lives, type of attitude. When the emotional scarring is there, so nothing is just forgotten about. I am just so sick of parents and everyone saying "forgive" when why should I forgive? To feed his ego even more? So he could just abuse me more? I want him to know I hate him. I don't want him to think there is any love in my heart for him.

My parents think it hurts him a lot that I am not speaking to him and I want nothing to do with him, but he's not hurt, his ego is hurt, that's all. He feels like he has no control, he feels like he can't manipulate me, so of course he is going to be hurt about it, cause none of his BS is working, it has nothing to do with me, it just because he wants control and nothing is going his way, so of course he's going to act like he's "hurt"

I just hate my situation and feel very alone, so I appreciate everyones advice and support, thank you.

Anytime your brother physically attacks you, you have a right to file a police report. Your parents cannot stop you, unless you choose to do so to appease them. I take it that you made that choice.

If you make a report and the police do nothing, at least there is a report. If you ended up making report after report, they would have to pay some attention to it.

Never forgive any adult male for physically abusing you, unless that person makes a very contrite apology, which is unlikely to happen. Forgiveness for anything is only appropriate after the person demonstrates contrition. So I don't see where you should be forgiving your brother.

It does sound like you need to get out of that home. That can be hard to do at your age nowadays. Once you get employed, maybe you could find some other young women to share an apartment or house with. Then you would want to be sure not to have your brother on the premises of where you decide to live. This doesn't sound like something that you and your brother are ever going to patch up. Just avoid him as best you can. I doubt he particularly cares what you think of him.

Your parents are living in some kind of La La land. You probably can't do much to change that either. Sounds like a very toxic home. Hope you find a way out of there.

Also I would like to add that my Psychologist has told me to not engage and to not give him a reaction.
Your psychologist is right, do not engage, narcissists feed on drama, off your distress. Ignore, ignore, ignore. If that means passively agreeing with him do it. All the time plotting your A.S.A.P escape.

Holding on to your anger will stoke his ego because it allows him to continue to control how you feel. Forgiveness doesn't mean that what he did was okay or that you continue to allow him to hurt you. It just means that you don't want to let him poison you with anger anymore. You choose love so that you can have peace, then he can't get to you and can't get a reaction anymore so then he doesn't get anything out of it. You don't have to tell him if you forgive him either. All you need to do is stop letting anger fester in you. And he still needs to be held accountable, not because you are angry, but because he does wrong and it is a dangerous situation and you deserve not to have to put up with it anymore. Maybe even because holding him accountable now can give him a chance to learn if that is possible before it is too late and he does something he will regret forever.

Maybe even because holding him accountable now can give him a chance to learn if that is possible before it is too late and he does something he will regret forever.
I doubt he will listen to any reason and I doubt he will regret it forever. A person without empathy (pathological narcissist) which the OP believes he is has no self doubt. They will destroy you, feed off your hurt, enjoy your distress, find it funny.
The best thing to do is get away and make a life of your own away from this toxic mess.

Holding on endlessly, hoping for change, that he will 'see the light' is damaging, exhausting and a waste of time.

I have a vicious sister who seems to hate her siblings. Trying to talk to her and hold her accountable is hopeless, it just makes her indignant (how dare you) rage and attack.
She was narcissistic mother's favorite, the one who could do no wrong.

I am so sorry you had to go through that marmaduke! That must've been awful! But I agree with everything you are saying. Thank you.

@Rapunzel I see what you are saying, but I just can't forgive. Even if it means to let go of the anger, I still will have anger though even if I forgave him. The hurt will still be there, because he would just think "Haha! I got her! I win!" and he would still emotionally abuse me. I mean he's already still emotionally abusing me even with us not talking and not forgiving, so I imagine if I were to say to him "Hey! Everything's cool!" He would just continue what he does, and I wouldn't want to give him that power. By me not talking to him is just hurting his ego, he hates that nothing is going his way. But thank you for commenting! I appreciate it!

This situation is spookily close to how mine was: combination of psychopathic older brother and weak parents.

My brother is a psychopath. He delights in causing upset and distress in others. Making others suffer is immensely pleasurable to him. During my childhood, the physical violence from him started when I was 12 with punches and the like and ended with him trying to strangle me when I was 18. I couldn't do anything but feel that I was losing consciousness and he most certainly would have killed me if my father hadn't been there to get him off me. The only thing my brother could do the next day was to mock the squeaking sound of the air that my lungs could force past the strangle hold to alert my father. Needless to say, I got out of that house that day, and lived in my car for a week until I could find somewhere to stay.

During my teenage years the emotional abuse I suffered at his hands was unbelievable. It was a living hell. When I was around 16 I realised that my best chance lay in not rising to him, so I ignored him completely - I said nothing to him and did not even look at him. Still the abuse continued, but it was slightly less.

During those years, my parents would throw him out of the house for more minor abuses that he did to them, but as they were weak they would always let him back in the house. And he would always act out again. He would vandalise their cars, destroy their property, steal from them etc. The final straw came for them when he pulled a knife on our mother. Then he was kicked out for good.

So, when you have an abusive, psychopathic sibling, my opinion is:

1) They are like a cancer. It must be cut out from the body (family), otherwise it will destroy part(s) of that body or the body itself. There is no trying to treat it or seeing if it will get better. It won't - they must be extirpated and discarded

2) You need to get out of that situation NOW. Wherever you go, it will be better than living in that situation. When you reach your new destination or residence, you will breathe a sigh of relief and ask yourself why you didn't move out much sooner

3) You have to cut all communication with him. Don't acknowledge his presence, don't talk to him, don't even look at him. You recognising him as a person and as an abuser will only fuel the fire

4) Be prepared to cut him out of your life, for good

5) When you've done all that, pick up the pieces and let the healing process begin. Nobody deserves to be victimised like that