Fiancé Hid that He is In Therapy from Me, How Should I Handle This?

I'm not sure why my fiancé would keep the fact that he's been seeing a therapist from me.

My fiancé has always struggled with lying and he is a CSA survivor. He told me of the abuse early on. He has a bad temper and other things I feel are connected to the CSA so I always told him I felt he needed treatment for the abuse. Well, randomly, during an argument today, he disclosed that he's been seeing a PTSD therapist for almost two months. I was happy but hurt because it's yet another thing he kept from me.

We are recovering from his emotional infidelity and him keeping the therapy from me triggered me because he obviously is still very capable of witholding things from me. Between the emotional affair, the lying to preserve how I see him and a lie earlier on in our relationship - about his relationship status - I feel I will never truly know him and that he will never truly be honest.

Should I just end this? We are also long distance as I moved for a job.

I should add that I struggle with relationships and pretty bad anxiety and his lying is a major trigger for me.

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This has red flags all over it. You should not be marrying someone who is a compulsive liar with a temper until he is much better and you know he isn't lying or getting very angry anymore.

I'm not saying you should leave him yet. That's up to you. But this isn't a good situation for you. I'm glad he's getting help, that's a good start. But please, for your sake, put off the wedding until he is more emotionally stable.

I didnt tell my H for a few months that I was in therapy... I know other people on this thread who have never shared with their partners that they are in T... Going to see a T is a very personal thing...and it doesnt need to be shared... Its a positive step not a negative thing...

I agree. No wedding date has been set. I will not marry him if I'm not sure. I cannot handle lying. My father is a liar. So I cannot and will not marry one. I'm actually not even sure I believe in marriage but that's another story. I'm wondering if I should be continuing this relationship. I feel like we are both too broken. He needs someone who has the stomach that I used to for his trauma, temper etc and I need someone who is honest all or mostly all of the time.

I'm a lot younger than him but his issues have aggravated mine and I feel much older than I am.

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It's not just the therapy. He has a problem with not telling me things in general.

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I don't think not telling you he's in therapy is a bad thing, I don't think that is your business to know tbh. But the rest is enough to get rid of him over surely? He really doesn't sound like a very good partner and I am sure you could do better.

You are not even married and he is having sex with other women behind your back and lying to you. Are you planning on having children? not the most stable father figure I feel.

xxx

She said emotional affair, not physical.

So, if I asked you to make a list of why you were planning to marry him (you call him your fiance so someone thinks they are getting married) could you make me that list?

I agree that this has red flags all over it and that you'd do well to proceed with caution. Lying is definitely a problem but so is expecting the whole truth all the time. I'm not saying you are, just bringing it up to think about.

People have a right to some degree of emotional privacy and don't have disclose everything all the time. Sometimes people feel cornered by excessive questioning. (And granted if you're having affairs, emotional or otherwise it's not a great way to win trust.) Sometimes people lie because the consequences of truth-telling are too painful.

I raise this because he told you only two months in that he was in therapy and instead of thanking him for his trust and honesty in choosing to tell you, you got all upset that he lied. But if I understand correctly, this was just a temporary omission not a lie. You're angry that he told you the truth on his timeline instead of yours. If he had told you from the start that he was in therapy, would you have let him share it with you--or not--at his own pace or would you have expected a weekly report?

Not to get all Col. Jessup on you but: if you want to be told the truth, you have to show that you can handle the truth--even when it's uncomfortable, unpleasant, or overdue. If you punish the truth-teller for their disclosure, you're effectively telling them that they're better off lying. You have to make sure you're a tellable person.

I would wonder why he lied about it... like is he afraid to tell you for some reason? would you have been mad if you had known? I wouldn't get mad because it won't get you anywhere and it will only make him afraid to tell you things in the future.

Also, on the emotional infidelity, I don't know the whole details of your situation but sometimes it is better not to fess up to things like that, you know like why hurt your partner... I'm not saying not to be mad or that it's "ok" to have emotional affairs, I just think he could have a good reason other than just wanting to lie, and also does this mean it wasn't physical? I read a study about how men and women view infidelity differently, for men they are concerned solely about the physical sex act where as women are more hurt/threatened to think their man has fallen for someone else... again not that this makes his emotional affair ok or good, but if he didn't physically cheat at least it means in his man mind that he cared about you enough not to go there?

I share that I'm in therapy with him because he is my partner. I don't see therapy as private to your significant other but I don't fault those who do.

He has full custody of a child and the child started responding terribly to our engagement for almost a year the child acted out and it drove us apart. I began questioning our relationship and I admit that I had emotionally checked out. We were long distance and I didn't visit for about 6 months because I was concerned that the allegations his child was making to social workers and police - which were proven to be lies by the social workers and police - could hurt my career. So he started emotionally cheating with someone and though it ended a year ago it hurts every day.

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What's one of those??? an emotional relationship is a friendship surely??

You're right, actually, I do expect the truth all the time and I do not always respond well to it. Still I feel like he should tell me as I always tell him the truth - even when I know he will be upset by it. That said, your point about him telling me about the therapy on his timeline really resonated with me. I hadn't thought about this until now but this is actually one of only two times that he admitted something without me questioning out of suspicion. His behavior seems to have changed though so, in retrospect, I guess I noticed the effects of therapy before he told me. I digress.

Yesterday after our argument, he asked me how I could turn him telling me about therapy into something bad and then said that most of our problems stem from me not seeing him as a good person. He went on to say that he is a great person and I told him that I don't think that is true because he has lied too many times for it to be. He seemed hurt by that and said he also didn't tell me that he did seek help regarding his infidelity from friends and that they told him he was wrong to hurt me. I had long accused him of hiding his mistakes from his friends so that he looks good at all times.

What I don't get is what he admitted those things so late. Maybe it is as you've said and he doesn't feel like I can handle truth. He has said as much and mentioned that I thanked him for telling me about therapy only after I voiced displeasure with him for not telling me sooner.

I would have given him the opportunity to tell me but he says I don't reward him for truth and that he figures since I won't he has no incentive to keep giving it to me. So then he is naturally a liar and I am ask him to go against his nature? You shouldn't need incentive to be honest.

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He should value the truth for your sake because it's hurtful due to your past. The fact that he doesn't is another huge sign that he puts himself first before you. He doesn't sound ready to man up and be a good husband.

It's basically like dating someone but not being physically intimate with them. He went out to movies and dinner with her and she made him feel good about himself but they never kissed or did anything sexual. He says he wanted to feel good about himself because I think badly of him.

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It sounds like you could both benefit from couples counseling. Telling him he isn't a good person is hurtful and isn't helpful for a relationship. You say that he "seemed hurt" but it is clearly a hurtful comment.

Some people just don't share every single thing. I am like that. Sometimes information is just for me. I might not want to talk about it because it makes me feel uncomfortable or embarrassed, or maybe I just don't feel like talking about it and it doesn't make a difference if I do talk about it. Maybe he didn't think his talking to people about the infidelity needed to be said to you. That is okay!

I have been in therapy for about a year and I haven't told my husband - and I really don't know if I ever will. My therapy is mine. I don't have to tell anyone if I don't want to.



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I don't think it's as black and white as you're trying to make it. Going to therapy means making yourself vulnerable, which is hard for most people and especially hard for some men. Telling someone that you're seeing a therapist means not only making yourself vulnerable in that moment, but also admitting to vulnerability and that you're exploring that with someone. It's a very personal thing, and even in a relationship, people are allowed to hold some things private. He told you when he was ready - and you got angry instead of thanking him for sharing that. Instead of a positive reaction, he got a negative one. For someone that is used to hiding emotions and struggles with being vulnerable, getting that kind of reaction basically says "this person isn't safe to share things with" and it encourages keeping secrets. It doesn't mean he's naturally a liar, it means he doesn't feel safe sharing thing.

I don't think it's as black and white as just he's honest or he's a liar. Is keeping something private being dishonest? Is sharing something when you feel ready, rather than when someone else expects to hear it being dishonest? Is it a lie to choose not to share something because you know it will not be received in a positive manner? Just something to think about.

UUUMMMMM are you actually sure about that?? Have you asked her whether they slept together?

I don't think that is true. That is having a friend and she obviously wasn't a friend?? I am sorry but I am not sure that I believe that hunny=(

xxxxxxx

Yes, I am sure as I verified it with the other woman. I would not take his word on something like that. Feel free to Google "emotional affairs + friendship" and see what you find. They are fast becoming the safest affairs for people in the digital age.

I'm more interested in the topic in the thread heading.

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Thanks for this.

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That's what I've been saying. He agrees. It's the long distance that's the problem. We had therapy immediately following the affair but our therapist was my individual therapist and it became clear that she was invested in us breaking up.

I guess I don't understand privacy in relationships. I very easily tell him everything.

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Everything you wrote really struck a chord with me. I may need to PM you, if that's ok.

I generally share everything with him and I struggle with being vulnerable so I don't understand needing things to be safe or right to tell certain truths. I feel like it should be told to your partner right away or it is lying by omission. Note: I do not see anyone who chooses not to share that they are in therapy with a mate as doing something wrong. I took issue with my fiancé doing it because it's a trigger given our past trust issues. I really appreciate you all offering me advice as people who've chosen not to share that they are in therapy with their mates. I would like to better understand this. I see going to therapy at all as a very great thing. I see a therapist once a week.

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Sure - PM me if you'd like.

There are a lot of reasons that I don't share this with my husband. Therapy is an extremely personal thing for me - more personal than anything else I do. When I share this with my husband, it turns brings him into the therapy even if he's not in the room with us. I would feel like suddenly I have a timeline one how quickly I should be making progress. I'd feel like I would need to justify that it is working for me. These aren't things that he would say, necessarily, but they are things that I would feel if I involved him in it by telling him.

The fact that you go weekly and really enjoy it makes me think that perhaps you enjoy talking about your therapy sessions to him? I could be wrong on that. But if you do, perhaps he thinks you would want him to talk about his sessions and maybe he doesn't want to talk about it outside of the room.

I process things in my head - not by speaking. I like to have plenty of time alone with my thoughts as I process the more difficult parts of life. My mom is dying of cancer but I don't talk to people about that - it's private and I don't need to talk to my friends about how it makes me feel. It's just part of who I am as a person. It doesn't mean that I don't value my friends or those relationships - it just is how I process things. Same goes with therapy. I process my stuff on my own and involve him when it concerns him.

It's hard for people to understand introverts like me sometimes but please realize that it's not because of YOU, it's because of HIM. It might just be how he processes his world. (For example, right this moment, I am alone in the bedroom spending time surfing the web and listening to podcasts because i need a break from being with people. I'm not upset or hiding anything, I just need time with me.)

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Ok.

Well it is none of your business if your bloke goes to therapy. If he lies to you all the time, then he probably always will. If you want to live that life then stay, if you don't then leave.