I cannot get over the dump from my affair partner. Can you help without judging?I am not proud of this..intact so ashamed not shared with another soul...five years ago I started an affair with a co-worker, a divorcee, confessed his feelings he had for me...a married woman of ten years...to be fair to him he never expected reciprocity. We worked closely and had lot of regard and respect for each other humanly and professionally.we were drawn closely and I feel more deeply in love. My marriage had been dead pretty much before I'd even met him but being with him made me realize what companionship and the real thing meant. He too claimed he loved me and it was understood that we'd be together when the right moment came, causing as little lateral damage as possible. My husband lived in his own world, communication between us was almost nil and living in separate cities we met rarely. We'd stopped having sex too. I never had sex with my partner, went on dates or did anything lover-like. There was a lot of chatting, sharing through conversations at work and texts. The physical thing was not important and we thought it would happen when it did. I must also say that he brought out a lot of work pressure on me, sometimes causing me great grief and misusing his superior position. Six months ago he relocated and I was supposed to join him in his new work place. I too gave up my current post and was to join him there. I was to get a divorce which would not come as any surprise to my husband. We kept in touch by phone, I visited his new workplace and my job was almost fixed. My husband was quite keen that I should go as I was getting a better deal. Then one day out of the blue my affair partner broke all contact. No calls, texts mails and no response to those sent by me. That was four months ago. Now I know his game. Had no intention of realizing the future he claimed he wanted but I am humiliated, angry, jobless, living in limbo in a dead marriage. Don't tell me what I did was wrong. I know that... Not an hour passes without remorse and guilt. Going crazy with regret, he's moved on and flaunting his new connections...while I'm filled with self loathing and bitterness. Just sharing...can't do it with anyone in person. I am trying to move on...rework a really dead marriage with no success...after all been dead for almost 10 years but i am seized with panic attacks and have more than once thought of suicide[/QUOTE]

[Rose3]

This is without judging. Something was going on between you and this partner-man, who claimed that he had feelings for you. There must have been mutual attraction, as you experienced your love for him, and with all this going on - there were plans to join with him. You gave up a lot. Then suddenly there's no contact from him? Leaving you to sort all this out. And you will sort through it all. You have more options (instead of suicide) - so get that out of your mind right now. As for your marriage - if you do wish to rework it - perhaps this is a possibility? Allow yourself some time to calm down. Allow yourself some time to grieve the losses that you have experienced and that are hurting you. You will heal. Take care of yourself. (addendum: instead of heading into this period of "limbo" with discomfort - try to realize the value of this limbo period, for reflection, revising your plans, and maybe set some new goals, even develop some new interests).

Originally Posted by Rose3

This is without judging. Something was going on between you and this partner-man, who claimed that he had feelings for you. There must have been mutual attraction, as you experienced your love for him, and with all this going on - there were plans to join with him. You gave up a lot. Then suddenly there's no contact from him? Leaving you to sort all this out. And you will sort through it all. You have more options (instead of suicide) - so get that out of your mind right now. As for your marriage - if you do wish to rework it - perhaps this is a possibility? Allow yourself some time to calm down. Allow yourself some time to grieve the losses that you have experienced and that are hurting you. You will heal. Take care of yourself. (addendum: instead of heading into this period of "limbo" with discomfort - try to realize the value of this limbo period, for reflection, revising your plans, and maybe set some new goals, even develop some new interests).

In many moments i feel the urge to tell him how i feel the let down the walkng away, the killing of hope....the callous behaviour despite knowing about my feelings & it's untensity....should i communicate? Let it off on him, though i know it will be if no avail, will not even read...what should i do? The unfairness of it all! He's on to his new life & here i am with nothing! How can you claim to love a person & walk away without a second thought!!!???!!!

[Frankbtl]

Hi Ladyofshallot, I'm really sorry about the way you've been treated by him. You obviously had a lot of feelings for him and trust in him but he clearly wasn't who you thought he was. And he clearly isn't worth any more of your attention.
You can come out of this so much stronger though. Maybe you can gradually see this all this as "merely" a lesson to you as to just how unhappy you were in your marriage. Perhaps an "eye opening" experience in helping you see just how alone/lonely/unloved (??) you were feeling before all of this. And with that maybe it's giving you the opportunity to try to resolve that with something real, something really meaningful.
And you know your feelings for this other guy may not have been as much about him/who he was, but moreso about what you were feeling/what you were missing/what you wanted in your life e.g. affection, to hear "............"..............Now those are the things you need to focus on having in your life, not him, as he wasn't able to give you what you needed at the end of the day. He couldn't meet the standards you need in your life.
As to where to go from here with your marriage. Do you really want to continue with it?? If so don't do that because you're feeling that's all you've got/all you have left, that's your only "hope". You can want more, you can stand up and say "enough".
But if you want to work on your marriage, then at least you have a clearer picture of what you truly want for you, what has to change. So maybe start with trying to make your feelings and your wishes, and how you'd like it to be more clear to your husband.
Afterall he may not be so aware of some things, some of your feelings or how important some things are to you. Maybe you can both work on bringing some understanding, mutual caring, and maybe compromises into the way your marriage is to continue?
Alison

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Ladyofshallot

rework a really dead marriage with no success

I would get out of your marriage and work on moving forward for yourself. That is very hard, impossible if you are trying to rework a dead marriage? Get involved with your job/another job and keep yourself busy so you do not keep thinking about what can not be and how used you were. Can you travel, go somewhere where you will not be as reminded of what you feel lost?

[Puglife]

I'm sorry this guy hurt you. It sounds like you looked at him like a life preserver and now that he is gone you feel still stuck in your dead marriage. Be your own life preserver and figure out how best to get out of your marriage and move forward in life. Good luck!

[Rose3]

"How can you claim to love a person & walk away without a second thought!!!???!!! "

This question of yours is a good one, but unfortunately people do this, and it sounds like he has done this to you. As you have described that you feel the urge to tell him how you feel, - he may not be willing to listen to you. Perhaps you could write it in a letter (then decide what to do with that letter) - at least it might help you express what you feel and think?

[brainhi]

Originally Posted by Ladyofshallot

I cannot get over the dump from my affair partner. Can you help without judging?I am not proud of this..intact so ashamed not shared with another soul...five years ago I started an affair with a co-worker, a divorcee, confessed his feelings he had for me...a married woman of ten years...to be fair to him he never expected reciprocity. We worked closely and had lot of regard and respect for each other humanly and professionally.we were drawn closely and I feel more deeply in love. My marriage had been dead pretty much before I'd even met him but being with him made me realize what companionship and the real thing meant. He too claimed he loved me and it was understood that we'd be together when the right moment came, causing as little lateral damage as possible. My husband lived in his own world, communication between us was almost nil and living in separate cities we met rarely. We'd stopped having sex too. I never had sex with my partner, went on dates or did anything lover-like. There was a lot of chatting, sharing through conversations at work and texts. The physical thing was not important and we thought it would happen when it did. I must also say that he brought out a lot of work pressure on me, sometimes causing me great grief and misusing his superior position. Six months ago he relocated and I was supposed to join him in his new work place. I too gave up my current post and was to join him there. I was to get a divorce which would not come as any surprise to my husband. We kept in touch by phone, I visited his new workplace and my job was almost fixed. My husband was quite keen that I should go as I was getting a better deal. Then one day out of the blue my affair partner broke all contact. No calls, texts mails and no response to those sent by me. That was four months ago. Now I know his game. Had no intention of realizing the future he claimed he wanted but I am humiliated, angry, jobless, living in limbo in a dead marriage. Don't tell me what I did was wrong. I know that... Not an hour passes without remorse and guilt. Going crazy with regret, he's moved on and flaunting his new connections...while I'm filled with self loathing and bitterness. Just sharing...can't do it with anyone in person. I am trying to move on...rework a really dead marriage with no success...after all been dead for almost 10 years but i am seized with panic attacks and have more than once thought of suicide

[/quote]

I followed your post regarding this in "New Member" Intros - I do not remember reading that this came down 4 months ago... I'm guessing you do not have a professional to talk to. Has any of your thinking changed in 4 months? Have you been able to do anything for yourself to start to heal? If you do not have a professional to talk to...you really need one.

If you do not have access to one...maybe someone here can suggest if there is a forum that can help - W/the Doc of this site? Do not get me wrong, I have seen some great suggestions posted here and from your post in the new member intro forum. This is a great place to get it out, get support and have others to empathize with you...but you have to start helping yourself.. a little piece at a time. If you are thinking of suicide still -you have to have a professional help you through this.

Not long ago suicide was in my thoughts. I do have a psychiatrist...he did have to change my medication a little, I had to restart therapy and I joined this site. I do not have health insurance - I go to a place that has a sliding scale for income because I could not afford to go the regular route. The medication blocked those chemicals in my brain that were putting me over the edge. My problems are still here...but I am able to function and work on solutions. I feel totally different than I did 2 months ago. You still have to go through the stages of losing some one you loved..it is like a death. Let us know how you are doing.

I followed your post regarding this in "New Member" Intros - I do not remember reading that this came down 4 months ago... I'm guessing you do not have a professional to talk to. Has any of your thinking changed in 4 months? Have you been able to do anything for yourself to start to heal? If you do not have a professional to talk to...you really need one.

If you do not have access to one...maybe someone here can suggest if there is a forum that can help - W/the Doc of this site? Do not get me wrong, I have seen some great suggestions posted here and from your post in the new member intro forum. This is a great place to get it out, get support and have others to empathize with you...but you have to start helping yourself.. a little piece at a time. If you are thinking of suicide still -you have to have a professional help you through this.

Not long ago suicide was in my thoughts. I do have a psychiatrist...he did have to change my medication a little, I had to restart therapy and I joined this site. I do not have health insurance - I go to a place that has a sliding scale for income because I could not afford to go the regular route. The medication blocked those chemicals in my brain that were putting me over the edge. My problems are still here...but I am able to function and work on solutions. I feel totally different than I did 2 months ago. You still have to go through the stages of losing some one you loved..it is like a death. Let us know how you are doing.[/QUOTE]

Originally Posted by Ladyofshallot

I followed your post regarding this in "New Member" Intros - I do not remember reading that this came down 4 months ago... I'm guessing you do not have a professional to talk to. Has any of your thinking changed in 4 months? Have you been able to do anything for yourself to start to heal? If you do not have a professional to talk to...you really need one.

If you do not have access to one...maybe someone here can suggest if there is a forum that can help - W/the Doc of this site? Do not get me wrong, I have seen some great suggestions posted here and from your post in the new member intro forum. This is a great place to get it out, get support and have others to empathize with you...but you have to start helping yourself.. a little piece at a time. If you are thinking of suicide still -you have to have a professional help you through this.

Not long ago suicide was in my thoughts. I do have a psychiatrist...he did have to change my medication a little, I had to restart therapy and I joined this site. I do not have health insurance - I go to a place that has a sliding scale for income because I could not afford to go the regular route. The medication blocked those chemicals in my brain that were putting me over the edge. My problems are still here...but I am able to function and work on solutions. I feel totally different than I did 2 months ago. You still have to go through the stages of losing some one you loved..it is like a death. Let us know how you are doing.

Thanks for caring...means a lot especially when i am not proud of what i'v done....i cannot get professional help, it's an illicit thing....i know i need to engage my mind with a job....but that's going to be very hard to come by...i go crazy with uncertainty at times...i feel abandoned and worthlesss most times and so very let down by that one person who meant so much...while he just walked away....just like that...why do you think he did it? I don't think i can rework my marriage....it had not had anything in it for a long time now...

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Ladyofshallot

Thanks for caring...means a lot especially when i am not proud of what i'v done....i cannot get professional help, it's an illicit thing....i know i need to engage my mind with a job....but that's going to be very hard to come by...i go crazy with uncertainty at times...i feel abandoned and worthlesss most times and so very let down by that one person who meant so much...while he just walked away....just like that...why do you think he did it? I don't think i can rework my marriage....it had not had anything in it for a long time now...

Maybe he was leading a double life? Don't know, I do know it's cold and callous of him, to do so with no closure to you. I'm most concerned you lost a job, was he being a sneaky rat *******???

I agree, forget dead end marriage. Don't crawl to him, either.

regain independence and sense of self

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

[brainhi]

......I, Brainhi, posted this..i guess you copied and pasted?

Originally Posted by Ladyofshallot

I followed your post regarding this in "New Member" Intros - I do not remember reading that this came down 4 months ago... I'm guessing you do not have a professional to talk to. Has any of your thinking changed in 4 months? Have you been able to do anything for yourself to start to heal? If you do not have a professional to talk to...you really need one.

If you do not have access to one...maybe someone here can suggest if there is a forum that can help - W/the Doc of this site? Do not get me wrong, I have seen some great suggestions posted here and from your post in the new member intro forum. This is a great place to get it out, get support and have others to empathize with you...but you have to start helping yourself.. a little piece at a time. If you are thinking of suicide still -you have to have a professional help you through this.

Not long ago suicide was in my thoughts. I do have a psychiatrist...he did have to change my medication a little, I had to restart therapy and I joined this site. I do not have health insurance - I go to a place that has a sliding scale for income because I could not afford to go the regular route. The medication blocked those chemicals in my brain that were putting me over the edge. My problems are still here...but I am able to function and work on solutions. I feel totally different than I did 2 months ago. You still have to go through the stages of losing some one you loved..it is like a death. Let us know how you are doing.

[/quote]

[brainhi]

Originally Posted by Ladyofshallot

Thanks for caring...means a lot especially when i am not proud of what i'v done....i cannot get professional help, it's an illicit thing....i know i need to engage my mind with a job....but that's going to be very hard to come by...i go crazy with uncertainty at times...i feel abandoned and worthlesss most times and so very let down by that one person who meant so much...while he just walked away....just like that...why do you think he did it? I don't think i can rework my marriage....it had not had anything in it for a long time now...

How do women in India get help with mental health issues?

Originally Posted by brainhi

How do women in India get help with mental health issues?

(Had posted this earlier but seems did not upload) Most live through it...professional help is not up to the mark and mostly through medication..counselling is poor.
I cannot get help due to the nature if my issue.,, thus this forum....
Can you give me an objective point of view as to why he must have done what he did....????

[brainhi]

I've alway been interested in "what the brain is doing" and why. He is getting his rewards somewhere else. It does not matter why, it happens. Research the brain and what it does and you will find out it has less to do with who you are and more to do with his reward system in the brain. It happens to all of us (and not just romantically), with parents, friends, lovers, bosses - how many of us had our loved ones choose booze or drugs over us? Why do you not care for your husband any longer?...there is not enough of a reward for you. I know your brain wants a reason...you will waste a lot of time and be in a lot more hurt trying to figure out why. If your husband loved you that much and you did not love him the same way...would you want him to constantly suffer with "why". It's very very sad that you cannot find support where you live. Often people use a pill to fix everything...I do not believe in that - it's a combination of medication if you need it and therapy. Would you be comfortable seeing a professional for "general depression" without giving all the details of why?

[Perna]

Only he would know why he did what he did? If one treats it like a dream and wonders what "I" would do in his place, why I would do it; it is often easier to change directions and start new things when there is someone else with us? He may have been "afraid" about being promoted and moving and changing jobs, etc. but you were there and gave him support and the benefit of your counsel, etc. Once he moved, he did not "need" you anymore and, with his life in order for him, he did not want to take on having to help you and be with you and add you to his life? He used you, enjoyed you while you were there but that part of his life finished and he decided on a fresh start, was not thinking of you and how you would feel (he is in a new place with new tasks and excitement, etc.; think of how you feel when you start a new job or a new grade in school, you do not think about the place you left?).

Sorry to say this but he most likely met someone else. Some men just use women to fulfill their immediate needs. Once the excitement of obtaining your love has been satisfied, they want to move on to another woman. When he gets what he wants from her or when she puts him on the spot for a commitment, he will leave her too. He was not worthy of your love. I hope you can meet someone else if that is what you want.

I have read about the five stages of grieving and i don't think i will reach the stage of 'Acceptance' no matter how much time elapses...tell me do you think it's a karmic punishment for my cheating....?

[brainhi]

Originally Posted by Ladyofshallot

I have read about the five stages of grieving and i don't think i will reach the stage of 'Acceptance' no matter how much time elapses...tell me do you think it's a karmic punishment for my cheating....?

In my opinion you punished yourself enough. I do not know what your beliefs are. I personally do not believe in punishment through karma, or by a higher power. Someone else may be able to chime in regarding that. Glad you did research the stages! If you keep telling yourself you will not get to acceptance...then maybe you won't...I can tell you there are more than you can count that did/do get there - cheating people recover as well. You learned a very hard lesson - and you are not done learning. You are now better equipped to deal with this type of situation again. You gave yourself innocently to a bad situation...and I'm pretty sure that will never happen again.

Originally Posted by brainhi

In my opinion you punished yourself enough. I do not know what your beliefs are. I personally do not believe in punishment through karma, or by a higher power. Someone else may be able to chime in regarding that. Glad you did research the stages! If you keep telling yourself you will not get to acceptance...then maybe you won't...I can tell you there are more than you can count that did/do get there - cheating people recover as well. You learned a very hard lesson - and you are not done learning. You are now better equipped to deal with this type of situation again. You gave yourself innocently to a bad situation...and I'm pretty sure that will never happen again.

First: Appreciate your response...i cannot tell you what a cathartic effect this space & folks like you are having on me. It will take me a long time to recover...to think i got into something with the likes of a person like that...to think he's unaffected and moved on...what a lesson to learn...that too when one is no longer wet behind the ears...please keep writing to help me find a way to pick up the pieces again...

[Pikku Myy]

What he did was very unprofessional Ladyofshallot... and you fell into the trap. I feel very badly for you and hope you can find the strength to climb out of the misery you feel now one little step at the time.

Please tell me if you think i should write to him...am confused...sometimes seems like a good idea to have my say...but knowing i will not get a response even, another way to play around with my self respect...but he needs to know what he's done...he can't go sailing into the sunset....just like that...but then i do know also now it's no longer about him but me...he's moved on and i need to give myself closure...will this be a closure for me...this communication?

[brainhi]

Originally Posted by Ladyofshallot

Please tell me if you think i should write to him...am confused...sometimes seems like a good idea to have my say...but knowing i will not get a response even, another way to play around with my self respect...but he needs to know what he's done...he can't go sailing into the sunset....just like that...but then i do know also now it's no longer about him but me...he's moved on and i need to give myself closure...will this be a closure for me...this communication?

.......this is what I posted to you in the "New Member Intro - Forum"...
you will figure out what is best for you..

You are feeling a lot things! Writing here or journaling may help. Get it out of your head. If you try to talk to him, remember you are far from rational right now. I could go on and on about the process of getting over my romance..it would take days. But I did write/email him to work on getting closure for myself..some of the time I did not send the emails and sometimes I did. Not sure if he even read them...but it did help me

I would start out saying "this is probably more for me than for you as I work on healing". We were still trying to hold onto a friendship which made it twice as hard getting over him. But one thing that helped...I love my job and am very passionate about it...so I was able to get some of my needs met at work. Go for walks when you feel like it..volunteer for something when you are ready - could turn into a job. When I was down my brother would tell me to go for a walk...I could not even put on tennis shoes and then would feel guilty about not even feeling like taking a walk...but one day I did. I love to walk to music with the head phones on... I sing I cry I laugh. You find something that works for you.
__________________

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Ladyofshallot

Please tell me if you think i should write to him...am confused...sometimes seems like a good idea to have my say...but knowing i will not get a response even, another way to play around with my self respect...but he needs to know what he's done...he can't go sailing into the sunset....just like that...but then i do know also now it's no longer about him but me...he's moved on and i need to give myself closure...will this be a closure for me...this communication?

Depends on your underlying motive and other than writing it out, if it's sent to the winds, will you still find solace?

He can do what he wants,,even sailing into the sunset. By going no contact he already displays lack of empathy.

You've got both a marriage and affair to recover from.



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