Complete 180 socially

So in the last year, I was branching out and learning how to socialize with people, but now I just don't want to be around them anymore. And they were a group of society's rejects (that's why I almost fit in) so if it doesn't work out with them, I don't see much hope making friends with the rest of society. I also almost feel happier being by myself, except for the emptiness, boredom, and loneliness. But at least I don't feel anxious and depressed a good portion of the time, like I do when I socialize. I'm also tired of being the new person in any group…I never stay with the same group long enough to not be the "new kid".

I just wish there was a way to not have to trade my mental/emotional health to alleviate loneliness and feel fulfilled.

I don't know why I don't feel comfortable around ANYONE in that group anymore…it was really only one person who really hurt me. And another one that I'm nervous around. But I shut down if I'm around any of them, even if neither of those two are there now.

I can understand your shutting down if just one person you are uncomfortable with is around. Is there any way you could ask one or two out and not include those folks?

I can completely identify with what you wrote about never fitting in. There have only been a handful of times, in my life, when I've been able to truly integrate with a group of people and feel accepted. Most of the time I'm on the outside looking in. Sometimes this makes me feel depressed and alone. Other times I feel I'm lucky. I don't fit in because I'm different; sensitive, deep thinking, etc.. Those traits bring rewards too. You say say that you almost fit in because they are rejects. In my view a lot of people conform to what society demands from them, simply in order not to stand out from the crowd and to allow them to integrate. Those who don't or can't conform have a hard time in some respects. But those kinds of people are sometimes quite special in a wonderful way

But I'm also shutting down around people I'm fine with. Maybe I'm just fragile. Even little things that people do seem to cause great harm. I feel anxious being around certain people that I've never felt anxious around and have no real reason to be.

Hanging out with people separately would work, but I know them all through a local organization and I want to be able to continue being a part of the organization, which makes it difficult to control who else shows up to events etc.

O.k., sometimes it only takes one or two people to completely change the dynamic of a group. Maybe that's what your reacting to. Perhaps also you're wary of opening yourself up in front of those people in case they say something to hurt you. If that's the case, I'm not sure what to suggest, it's not an easy situation to resolve.

I think another thing that's made a difference is that other people have begun reading my mind…not on a regular basis, but often enough that I don't feel safe unless I zone out or, in extreme cases, scramble my thoughts. I just remembered this…I stopped worrying about it all the time after I stopped being around those people.

So not only do I have to worry about opening up to people and having them hurt me, now I have to protect my inner thoughts from them as well. Which makes a difficult situation more impossible. It also explains why I shut my mind off essentially when around them.

I see that you've discussed this on another thread and that you won't talk to your pdoc about it. But as another poster said, this is a delusion. People don't read minds. I hope you're at least talking to your T about this.

If it's a delusion, how can you explain people knowing what I'm thinking/feeling without you saying anything or without them even looking at you (so you know it isn't just them reading your body language)?

How can I feel safe around people knowing that now if I develop feelings for them they'll know and bring it up even though I don't want to bring it up at all? I can't keep anything private around these people! I have something to say but think I'm better off not saying it, I can't hide it.

Delusion or not, how do I keep people from trying to read my private thoughts? They already know I have trouble communicating but leaving me no choice what gets communicated or not is only going to make it more difficult for me to communicate at all.

You are a musician; I presume you hang out with other musicians and artists. They tend to be people who are very sensitive and good at reading other people's faces, body language, and little inflections in tone of voice. I admit that I sometimes find it irritating or unsettling when sensitive people can read me well and figure out things I'd rather them not know.

In those cases, I just have to be better at acting and putting up a front. Making a concerted effort (to appear cheerful when I don't want someone to know I'm depressed, to appear casual if I'm romantically interested in someone and I don't want him to know, etc). This may be difficult if you're not good at acting contrary to your inner states, or if you're not very aware of how you come across to other people. Different people have different levels of social skills in this regard, and I obviously don't know you. If you have anyone you're friendly enough with, it can be helpful to ask other people how you come across to them.

Well, actually, I'm not in school right now so most of time I'm not around musicians. It's the non-musicians that read me, not the musicians. Musicians are at least polite enough to only read body language etc. when it has to do with performance. And what kind of person brings up the fact that you have feelings for them when they do not and can not feel the same way. And it was not in the context of me making him uncomfortable, it was about letting me down easy (which of course didn't happen). I wasn't saying anything in the first place because I knew my feelings wouldn't be returned and I would be less hurt if it was never discussed. I can't control my feelings, but I used to be able to control whether they were talked about or not. Apparently not anymore.

And then I went camping with one person I knew somewhat and her family (which I've seen but don't know) and felt comfortable the whole time despite being put into many situations where I shouldn't have felt comfortable (based on my past experiences). I think it really surprised the person who knew me. Well, it surprised me. I really don't understand how I seem to suddenly just not care about things that would have used to have bothered me and therefore have less anxiety, yet be more anxious to be around people in general and would rather just keep to myself.