Bad Advice

"You have to get rid of your own problems first before you find your soulmate." Honestly this advice pisses me off. Here's why: it implies that people who are NOT perfect, who have issues for whatever reason, who are essentially faithful and loving and capable and smart despite the fact that they may be struggling with someone, are not good enough to be in a relationship. Okay, well, what if you are someone who has ALWAYS had issues? What if you have them right now but are coping with them? What if it's likely that you always will have these issues? I really resent that you have to be a boring little cookie-cutter shell of a real human being to even have a chance with someone. Why doesn't everyone simply grow a pair and accept that life happens, and in the real world people get hurt and need to pick up the pieces? It makes me really angry that I can't be myself around a guy because if he gets the slightest idea that I'm "damaged goods" or whatever you want to call it, he runs away. No I am not a perfect brainless little Barbie doll, and I have no intention of becoming one. I am, however, a very caring, thoughtful, funny and bright individual who would always be faithful and committed to our relationship. Obviously, most guys seem to prefer the Barbie doll, and it makes me so mad (in case you couldn't already tell). Society is so ****in stupid.

Who's retarded advice is that anyway?

Ignore it!

I assure you whoever said that was very very drunk!

People are perfectly imperfect, who and where are folks finding these flawless soulmates anyway?

I would imagine that loving someone through all their imperfections make them a better candidate for the title soulmate.

That's the boat I'm in anyway. I was quite a troubled teen when I met my soulmate, I was full of problems. Lol

I'm glad you don't want to be an emptyheaded barbie, I cannot fathom how anyone would find such a thing attractive.

People aren't 1 dimensional, and its sad to think some strive to be.

Unless I'm reading the "advice" wrong, and it means, aaah fruck it, I can't make it sound nice, the way its worded, it sounds like a threat.

"Sort out your shyt or spend your lifetime alone"

This is so accurate. I read this over and over, that you have to be "healed" before you can be in a healthy relationship...I never questioned that until you brought it up, and you are so right. Sometimes you aren't healed or haven't "gotten over your problems" until you meet the right person who takes your hand and guides you through to see and learn things you didn't know before. Like that quote, "One day someone is going to hug you so tight that all your broken pieces will stick back together." Just be YOU, perfectly imperfect.... the right man will accept it and you will find that everlasting bond. I don't believe their is one soul mate, everyone is brought to our life for a reason there is just a special someone who will stay longer and be connected to our souls deeply. Don't be discouraged or mad, be thankful you aren't like anyone else!

Hey sky... I agree, I don't believe in a single "soulmate" either... who comes up with that stuff lol

Yeah Trippin, it's probably something that "they" say... whoever "they" actually are haha

I agree with Sky3421, we all need a soulmate that accepts us as we are, imperfections and all, and is there to hold us together when the imperfections are too much.

well i must say u interpreted it wrongfully. and that advice is a good one. it means u need to sort urself out before u even consider to be in a relationship. doesnt mean u need to be perfect. it means u need to be ready/able to have a HEALTHY relationship with someone. there are some issues that prevent that, p.e. low self-esteem. tc

I am of two minds of this.

Firstly I agree that the idea of going into a relationship free of any personal baggage is ridiculous. Everyone has baggage and issues and it is part of what makes us different from everyone else. We all have negative traits that will always be there for better or for worse.

On the other hand I do believe that some people jump around from relationship to relationship or stay in one for a long period of time without ever taking the time to take care of themselves. People get so caught up in the relationship part that they ignore the personal part and it can lead to problems. I'm a firm believer that if you don't take time to get to know yourself then how can you ever really let someone else in? If you lock yourself out then how does anyone else stand a chance?

As for the soul-mate thing, I do believe it but I don't believe that there is someone for everyone. I have met couples that are just so disgustingly perfect for each other that there is no other way to describe it. However I do also think that the term soul-mate should not just be restricted to romantic relationships. Your soul-mate could be your best friend and nothing more. People put to much stress on finding the perfect match but really there is no perfect match but there are some pretty damn good ones out there.

Who are you to say my interpretation is wrong? I think yours is wrong... low self-esteem does not necessarily have any bearing on whether or not you can have a healthy relationship with someone. A lot of people have low self-esteem, it comes with living in such a media-driven society, and they may have very healthy and successful relationships.

Makes sense

There's a difference between "getting your s*** together" and like... being perfect. A world of difference. I [note the I] think if you are completely wreckless and immature, and don't know yourself well... probably not going to have a lot of luck with relationships. yes, these things can have some overlap with some mental health issues but not always, not necessarily. I can be bipolar and know myself well and make good decisions about myself and my life. That would be... having issues but basically having my act together. So I think that when people say get rid of your own problems, heal yourself, whatever they say- and they think of someone who has advanced their career, paid off their car and never sees a therapist? They are living in some kind of dream world.

When they say have a reasonable sense of self and what you want in a relationship and maybe do ok on the communication front [or at least be willing to put in some hard work on these things at minimum]... I mean that's pretty reasonable, in my opinion.

They may, yes. It can be a bit more challenging.

well if ur rude enough to ask me that just bc i have an opinion different from urs, i must say u have issues to solve before considering ANY kind of relationship. ill refrain from replying to u from now on. take care

I hear what Josie and Soccerdad are saying, and ordinarily I would say very similar things, but my stance on this being retarded advice is based on the fact this seems to have been quoted from someone / somewhere.

If someone actually said that to me, I would think its retarded, but if its an interpretation of how a healthy self does contribute greatly to healthy relationship, then I agree 100%

The way its phrased just rubs me up the wrong way.

I think it would have to depend on the problems.

I personally have trust and self worth issues so it takes a lot of work to get me to trust you but then I don't feel I'm worth all that effort so I start thinking the other person must be up to something malicious.

It's hard enough to have your love questioned constantly without the added lashing out and pushing away I tend to throw into the mix.

I can't subject another person to that. They don't deserve to suffer because I don't like myself.

And that's where I believe the line is drawn. Relationships are hard but when one person is causing another to truly suffer because of their issues then I think that person needs to be working on themselves before stepping into a relationship.

To add to that someone's issues can also lead to them being more vulnerable to those with less than amicable intentions.

To use myself as an example again *eye roll* (I can be a good example... Of what not to do!)

I know of my issues. I know I can be reactionary and hard to deal with so I tend to doubt my emotions and just about everything else about myself so when he would do something and then tell me I was being paranoid and over reacting I would believe him because he was only telling me something I already 'knew'. Because of this I let that man do some horrible things and then not only get away completely free but leaving me believing it was my own fault.

Now I'm left with even worse trust and self esteem issues.

On the subject of soul mates I absolutely believe that there is someone out there for everyone. I don't believe they can fix you though.

They can be the person to give you support and help you on your journey. They may even be the reason you want to change but when it comes down to it I think the only person that can fix you is you.

Good, I have no interest in anything you say -- goodbye and good riddance for sure. Why don't you resolve yours, if you're on here you've obviously got issues too... plus your advice was stupid and seemed to serve no real point

I agree... that is a reasonable line to draw

This thread has turned a bit unsupportive in places. I'm closing it while we discuss what to do with it.