[kawaiigurl1981]

I am going to post a brief snippet of a conversation I was having with my boyfriend last night and then I am going to tell you what his response was

"all the moaning I do is not meant to make to you change this situation right now because you cannot do that, I just want to make sure my suffering does not go unnoticed,

that the level of unfairness I live with does not go unnoticed and my loving and kindness if the face of aforementioned does not go unnoticed
I don't want you to alleviate my suffering but congratulate me on bearing it,
I feel like it makes me special
and sometimes I may in fact put on a bit and seem more upset, sad, mopey than I really am because I don't feel like you are giving the praise and attention that I deserve
like a little kid that hurts their foot and limps obviously more than necessary "

at this point he tells me that he no longer wants me to discuss my feelings with him because I just say the same thing over and over just worded differently. He says that if I feel like I need to talk about my feelings to call a friend. I as simply devastated by this. How can you have any sort of emotional closeness if I am barred from talking about my feelings ?

[Elektra_]

hi. caz it is how it works. any person that has a friend or bf/gf that is negative, keeps complaining/whining they lose interest in being with that person. u cant be that transparent or at least try not to be so negative. tc

I can relate to the feeling that maybe life has handed you a pile of ***** and sometimes it feels unfair. I'm not sure precisely what you were referring to in your conversation with your boyfriend though, what exactly in your life you were calling unfair or what suffering you are referring to.

I also don't know your boyfriend or what he has or has not experienced in his life, whether he has any way to relate personally to what you are going through. For some reason you posted word for word what you wrote to him but not what he wrote back so I can't really comment as well on his response, but I can give you my perspective on how I would respond in a similar situation.

That said, you express that you want emotional closeness.

I speak as someone who, like you experiences the general crap that goes along with having a mental illness. The daily and long term stressors that come along with it. I also have a lot of chronic pain and physical health problems. That is just to give you context, this is not a comparison of "suffering" or any kind of context.

I think it is easy to get caught up in our own negativity though.

People and relationships can be very fragile in some ways. We can easily use and abuse them and may not find out until we have worn out our loved one.

...I don't want you to alleviate my suffering but congratulate me on bearing it,
I feel like it makes me special
and sometimes I may in fact put on a bit and seem more upset, sad, mopey than I really am because I don't feel like you are giving the praise and attention that I deserve...

I don't think you meant for this to be manipulative, but if someone said that to me, I would absolutely feel I was being manipulated. Not only in the behavior that you are describing, but in the actual fact that you were telling me about it.

If you were talking about your suffering as stemming from your mental health issues, I mean those are something that, in some respects, you will have to learn to manage to some degree your entire life. You won't just wake up one day and suddenly be perfectly content. That doesn't actually happen to anyone- they wake up one morning and are perfectly content and remain so for every minute of the rest of their lives.

And if in your efforts to seek support, you believe you deserve not only praise but extra praise and congratulations, I have to ask- when your boyfriend is feeling particularly bad do you not only support him but praise and congratulate him as well? For... continuing to exist?

And what happens when one day you have put on an extra moody show and he is getting a bit taxed, but the next day you really DO feel that wretched? Do you continue to up the ante, knowing that you don't really feel that awful? When is the limit reached?

What do you do if you realize you've have burnt him out, only to find out you wore out his resources when you could have self-soothed, so now he is cranky and exhausted and frustrated? Because he probably can't even help you if you are in such a state, even if he wanted to.

People do not have endless resources to support other people. They are not a bottomless well from which to draw sympathy, empathy, pity from.

The fact that you say you feel like you bearing your suffering makes you special is a bit disturbing. You should be seeking attention for good things. For talents and abilities and positive characteristics you possess.

It is understandable that you need to vent occasionally. We all do. but you don't get emotionally closeness by manipulation and using your boyfriend as, basically a garbage disposal for everything you feel crappy about.

There needs to be a limit or there will be burn out.
If you are not in therapy, I highly recommend you explore that. If that is not a possiblity find a support group, as you may be under more stress than your relationship can withstand right now.

No one person can hold up the world.
Try to spread out the negativity. You can't focus it on him and only be that, as Elektra said.

[kawaiigurl1981]

Originally Posted by JosieTheGirl

I can relate to the feeling that maybe life has handed you a pile of ***** and sometimes it feels unfair. I'm not sure precisely what you were referring to in your conversation with your boyfriend though, what exactly in your life you were calling unfair or what suffering you are referring to.

I also don't know your boyfriend or what he has or has not experienced in his life, whether he has any way to relate personally to what you are going through. For some reason you posted word for word what you wrote to him but not what he wrote back so I can't really comment as well on his response, but I can give you my perspective on how I would respond in a similar situation.

That said, you express that you want emotional closeness.

I speak as someone who, like you experiences the general crap that goes along with having a mental illness. The daily and long term stressors that come along with it. I also have a lot of chronic pain and physical health problems. That is just to give you context, this is not a comparison of "suffering" or any kind of context.

I think it is easy to get caught up in our own negativity though.

People and relationships can be very fragile in some ways. We can easily use and abuse them and may not find out until we have worn out our loved one.


I don't think you meant for this to be manipulative, but if someone said that to me, I would absolutely feel I was being manipulated. Not only in the behavior that you are describing, but in the actual fact that you were telling me about it.

If you were talking about your suffering as stemming from your mental health issues, I mean those are something that, in some respects, you will have to learn to manage to some degree your entire life. You won't just wake up one day and suddenly be perfectly content. That doesn't actually happen to anyone- they wake up one morning and are perfectly content and remain so for every minute of the rest of their lives.

And if in your efforts to seek support, you believe you deserve not only praise but extra praise and congratulations, I have to ask- when your boyfriend is feeling particularly bad do you not only support him but praise and congratulate him as well? For... continuing to exist?

And what happens when one day you have put on an extra moody show and he is getting a bit taxed, but the next day you really DO feel that wretched? Do you continue to up the ante, knowing that you don't really feel that awful? When is the limit reached?

What do you do if you realize you've have burnt him out, only to find out you wore out his resources when you could have self-soothed, so now he is cranky and exhausted and frustrated? Because he probably can't even help you if you are in such a state, even if he wanted to.

People do not have endless resources to support other people. They are not a bottomless well from which to draw sympathy, empathy, pity from.

The fact that you say you feel like you bearing your suffering makes you special is a bit disturbing. You should be seeking attention for good things. For talents and abilities and positive characteristics you possess.

It is understandable that you need to vent occasionally. We all do. but you don't get emotionally closeness by manipulation and using your boyfriend as, basically a garbage disposal for everything you feel crappy about.

There needs to be a limit or there will be burn out.
If you are not in therapy, I highly recommend you explore that. If that is not a possiblity find a support group, as you may be under more stress than your relationship can withstand right now.

No one person can hold up the world.
Try to spread out the negativity. You can't focus it on him and only be that, as Elektra said.

He is married and I have agreed to wait on him to get a divorce. That is the source of my suffering. That I have to come to work on Monday after not having seen him all weekend and hear about the outings his family has been on. Every Monday I feel hurt, rejected, and unwanted. I want his recongnition for bearing this for him.

Originally Posted by kawaiigurl1981

He is married and I have agreed to wait on him to get a divorce. That is the source of my suffering. That I have to come to work on Monday after not having seen him all weekend and hear about the outings his family has been on. Every Monday I feel hurt, rejected, and unwanted...

Maybe find a relationship, another that you also agree to be in, where you don't put yourself in such a sucky situation.

I want his recongnition for bearing this for him.

I think there is probably enough suffering in this situation to go around.You likely won't get any special recognition, treatment, or congratulations for this.

Actually, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news [and I kinda hope I'm wrong cause it's not what you want to hear]... but I've seen this play out numerous times. The way you write of your relationship indicates that you may not actually be awarded any kind of lasting stability with this man, let alone a ring of your own, for your efforts.

I feel for you; I have seen someone close to me go through this marry-go-round, and it sucks.

[NWgirl2013]

Wow, I think I agree more and more with Josie. You are not making this better but worse. Why would he want to go to you and not mend his broken marriage instead of destroy it?
You are not presenting the attractive package of fun he signed up for, his reason for seeing you by the way. You are supposed to be a distraction from his reality, to add a little boost to his ego and not someone to listen to cry about how much you suffer because of him. He is right to ask you to go talk to someone else. You should.

Don't wait around for a married man to divorce. That is wasted time. If he divorces while you are out living your own life, then he can come find you if he is still interested. Then he will be yours and not until...

IMHO you need to get a life, stop hanging onto the scraps of his life that he throws your way.
This whole situation is not fair to anyone. Get earplugs and stop listening to what he does in his the life he built with someone else. It doesn't have anything to do with you anyway. He is living, you are self destructing.

[Trippin2.0]

Well, IDK the semantics, but from what you've written regarding family outings and feeling invisible on Mondays, I assume his wife doesn't know you're a part of her life.

I hate to be the one to break it to you, but in the eyes of logic, his wife wins all the sympathy and empathy points in this scenario.

His wife is caught in the middle of this storm, not you, his wife is the one being betrayed (knowing or unknowingly), a wife he vowed to love and cherish forever.

While you, you knowingly got yourself into this mess, you've agreed to becoming his mistress, you agreed, while his wife has no say...

So I'm not surprized at all that he isn't congratulating you, or stroking your ego for the pain and suffering you're enduring. You expressing your desire for him to do so, has probably put the spotlight on his wife and made him think of how much his wife is or will be suffering...

[kawaiigurl1981]

I don't know why I bother posting here, you all have got to be the most judgmental people I have ever come across. Yes I am breaking a huge social taboo by being with a married man, he said as far as he was concerned his marriage was over and I was who he wanted to be with and I took him at his word. Clearly you people are so mired in social convention you cannot see beyond that. I will know better than to come to this forum for support on suggestions. How would your answers have been different if I lied and said he was my husband ?

[kawaiigurl1981]

Originally Posted by JosieTheGirl

Maybe find a relationship, another that you also agree to be in, where you don't put yourself in such a sucky situation.

I think there is probably enough suffering in this situation to go around.You likely won't get any special recognition, treatment, or congratulations for this.

Actually, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news [and I kinda hope I'm wrong cause it's not what you want to hear]... but I've seen this play out numerous times. The way you write of your relationship indicates that you may not actually be awarded any kind of lasting stability with this man, let alone a ring of your own, for your efforts.

I feel for you; I have seen someone close to me go through this marry-go-round, and it sucks.

In this you have a point. No one in this situation is happy, everyone is just bearing and tolerating it. He is not happy, she is not happy, the children are not happy, I am not happy. Maybe the pets are happy I am not sure. They are on the road to divorce and are planning it. But the whole thing sucks and I guess I am being very self centered to think my suffering should earn me a pat on the head. No one is giving him a pat on the head. I am not looking for a ring because I don't need a ring to legitimize the love I have for a person.

Originally Posted by kawaiigurl1981

I don't know why I bother posting here, you all have got to be the most judgmental people I have ever come across. Yes I am breaking a huge social taboo by being with a married man, he said as far as he was concerned his marriage was over and I was who he wanted to be with and I took him at his word. Clearly you people are so mired in social convention you cannot see beyond that. I will know better than to come to this forum for support on suggestions. How would your answers have been different if I lied and said he was my husband ?

My first answer still would have been the exact same long, detailed, thoughtful post that I put much effort into.

I still would have expressed concern about the relationship, though the concern is about one hundred fold because there is less to anchor one in your given situation.

I'm pretty sure my commentary on your specific situation was hardly judgemental. If you can point out where it seemed to obviously come from a judgemental, particularly harsh place or from the point of view that you are 'breaking social convention', I would gladly discuss that and clear it up for you.

As it stands, since he comes back to work on mondays and you say you feel invisible, he talks about his weekend with his family to the point where you are suffering greatly, and this is all because he is NOT, in fact your husband... I'm not entirely sure how your question actually makes sense. You wouldn't really be able to explain the situation and get advice or anyone else's point of view on the situation by saying he is your husband.

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by kawaiigurl1981

I don't know why I bother posting here, you all have got to be the most judgmental people I have ever come across. Yes I am breaking a huge social taboo by being with a married man, he said as far as he was concerned his marriage was over and I was who he wanted to be with and I took him at his word. Clearly you people are so mired in social convention you cannot see beyond that. I will know better than to come to this forum for support on suggestions. How would your answers have been different if I lied and said he was my husband ?

Just because people don't respond the way you want them to, does not make them judgmental, I assume this rant above is mainly directed at me as I'm the last poster to respond...(?)

I was not judging you, read my post again, where have I made judgemental remarks, or insulted you or anything untoward? Where?
Nowhere, that's where.

I simply pointed out that you demanding to be praised for martyrdom has probably made him think about how his wife deserves his sympathy... I simply pointed out that logically, she is the "victim" here, and you are a willing party. I NEVER said nor implied this makes you a bad person.

The fact that you felt the need to lash out here when you didn't get the desired response speaks volumes, your bf probably doesnt want to talk about feelings, because he's trying to avoid the wrath you unleash when you receive an undesirable response, or maybe he's put off by the fact that you think you deserve praise for being with him.


I deserve praise for replying to you in a civil manner after you insulted us by calling us judgmental.

[NWgirl2013]

My personal feeling is; Women should stick together & not let men divide us.

I'm not sure you understand what some of us here do. Your married man is not any different than any other married man who says to the woman he is cheating with, "my marriage is over", "my wife is evil, or a drunk, or crazy", or any number of things that a man would say to gain your sympathy. Poor Baby. It's amazing how many women are willing to throw another woman under the bus and climb over her broken body to get to the man driving said bus.

So pardon me if it offends you that married men cheating almost always follows a pretty predictable script. Many of us here have seen it and heard it too many times not to notice.

I personally was suggesting you stop being demanding and back off so he can go ahead and do what he told you he is going to do. That is not criticism but a good suggestion, and there is a bit of a warning in there too; just because he said it, doesn't make it so until the papers are signed.

And this is the truth. You have no power in this situation. He holds all the cards and will do this if & when he wants to, not when you do.
You just have to wait until he is divorced. Until then, you are just the mistress to him, nothing more, no matter how sweet he talks.

Pressuring him for attention, I can guarantee you, will not serve you well.

So please protect yourself, find the strength you need in other places, and not from him, because you will need it. If he divorces her to marry you, you will always know that he is capable of cheating. You saw it first hand.

And if you read this as judgmental; so be it. Consider it a favor and practice for the judging you will receive in RL. I am merely expressing concern for a woman who seems to be unraveling a bit as she waits for someone else to decide her fate.

[Open Eyes]

Well, if he "is" really working on getting a divorce from his wife, that can take time and can get messy.

Personally, I feel sorry for the children, if you think you are frustrated and unhappy, it's way worse for them.

[PianogirlPlays]

Wow, I can relate to some of these answers and situation. I think I do stay in a state of pain and wear my husband and some other people out.