[dilemma-girl]

I have made many errors in life. I've trusted the wrong people, gave my virginity to the person I loved but when he left me, I was left with such pain that I didn't care whom I went out with or flirted with. I never did have intercourse again but did get physically close with some in other ways. Now I've met someone who loves me in all ways but he just can't get over the past. He says that I should have waited for him.
Had I not had a past, he wouldn't have touched me before marriage. But now he asks for intercourse daily and we've had intercourse many times.
He kisses and touches me in office and says he does it cos he loves me, but wouldn't have if not for my past.
He says all rude things, as jokes. E.g. he jokes that I should have been in porn, etc.
Is this punishment fair. Should I always endure this till my death and go to hell. I couldn't leave him. But I am so depressed and confused.
The Bible says that it is wrong to even think of people other than our spouse. But will I never get forgiveness?

[Travelinglady]

Hello dlilemma-girl, and welcome to Psych Central!

Dear one, I am going to be very honest with you, and you will not likely like what I say. But here goes: This guy does NOT love you, but he is using you. And he is abusing you by the way he is treating you. No decent man would do the things he is doing to you. He is the one who is treating you like a "bad" woman.

We all make mistakes, and you did love the guy you gave your virginity to. You deserve a man who will love you regardless and never bring it up to you. God will forgive you.

No, you should not be punished this way. And, no, your life should not be like this.

Please, please leave him and find someone else. He will not want to let you go--understandably--and it might be hard to break up with him if you work together, but please do it. If need be, then find another job.

Let's see what other people have to say, too.

[moremi]

My question is why wpuld he say you shpuld have waited for him? Ypu had no idea you would meet him one day and if he loves you he should not hold your past over your head or use it as his excuse to treat you a certain way and get his nut on. If he cant respect you and accept your past than idk what to tell you other than you will have a long bumpy road ahead of you. With all that being said he probably has a past of his own but isnt honest enough to share bc he wants to put you down for yours.

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I don't know whether your boyfriend loves you or not, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't feel secure within himself. There are many ways to look at the situation...he might be turned on at the thought of you with another man in a sexual way, he might like causing you to feel guilty. It sounds, maybe, like a cultural issue, the way your boyfriend places so much importance on you not having been a virgin when you met him. The bible says "spouse" but, unless I'm misunderstanding, the man is not your husband. It sounds to me like you are not entirely love with him, or that you have regret about being with him? When he teases you about being a porn star try asking him, "Do you like that idea?" His reply will give you much information.

[Trippin2.0]

Using guilt to get you to perform sexual acts is not love.

He's using your past against you, for his own selfish gains, not love.

A person that loves you doesn't do those things. Ever.

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Using guilt to get you to perform sexual acts is not love.

He's using your past against you, for his own selfish gains, not love.

A person that loves you doesn't do those things. Ever.

...unless the couple has a conscious or even unconscious agreement that such behavior is okay. There are many ways to love...it's not always Ward and June Cleaver.

[punkybrewster6k]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Using guilt to get you to perform sexual acts is not love.

He's using your past against you, for his own selfish gains, not love.

A person that loves you doesn't do those things. Ever.

O my gosh how very true.

punky

[dilemma-girl]

Thank you all for your words. There are times when I feel I should leave, but then I get terribly scared. What if he is right. Maybe he is being nice to me and I fail to understand. He says that no guy wants a girl like me. All guys will make use of a girl like me but never marry. Those are his words. He also says that he is tensed because later if he meets one of my exes, he will be mocked at. If at all I fight and say we need to breakup, he comes and begs to me till I say I don't wish to leave.

[Slamjammer]

Gotta agree with the gist of these responses. This guy is a loser, who disrespects you and is trying to pull you down to his level. You work in the same office? That is always awkward, because everyone else DOES know what's going on.

You need to get rid of this guy now, and you may very well need to find another job. You have a decision to make which will likely affect you for the rest of your life.

God bless you and good luck!

[dilemma-girl]

I have convinced myself to leave many times but I can't figure out as to what makes it hard. Even yesterday when I asked when he'll stop getting angry at me at random moments, he said "go become intact and come to me" (referring to becoming a virgin). The more it happens, the more I feel that something is wrong with me and I just feel like I am damaged. When he once saw a very rowdy-looking guy with his girlfriend, he laughed and said, "I am sure that he has damaged that girl". I don't understand if we're girls or some products bought in the market.

[Slamjammer]

Originally Posted by dilemma-girl

I have convinced myself to leave many times but I can't figure out as to what makes it hard. Even yesterday when I asked when he'll stop getting angry at me at random moments, he said "go become intact and come to me" (referring to becoming a virgin). The more it happens, the more I feel that something is wrong with me and I just feel like I am damaged. When he once saw a very rowdy-looking guy with his girlfriend, he laughed and said, "I am sure that he has damaged that girl". I don't understand if we're girls or some products bought in the market.

A guy who thinks like that is sick, sick, sick as well as twisted and manipulative. If you were not so emotionally fragile you would see this in an instant and have nothing to do with him.

There is NOTHING good that can come from this relationship. Leave now. Leave while you can.

Run, this guy is no good for you. Who is he to judge? By his actions with you I'm going to guess that he has a "past" too and if that's the case he has no place to judge or punish you. I'm going to guess that he's a Chauvanistic type of male that thinks it's ok for males to do this and have a past but no females.

[Slamjammer]

Originally Posted by dilemma-girl

I have convinced myself to leave many times but I can't figure out as to what makes it hard. Even yesterday when I asked when he'll stop getting angry at me at random moments, he said "go become intact and come to me" (referring to becoming a virgin). The more it happens, the more I feel that something is wrong with me and I just feel like I am damaged. When he once saw a very rowdy-looking guy with his girlfriend, he laughed and said, "I am sure that he has damaged that girl". I don't understand if we're girls or some products bought in the market.

This person has some serious issues, and you may very well be at risk. This is no joke. Leave while you can. It will likely involve relocation, but you must leave now.

Good luck!

[dilemma-girl]

Haven't been able to come back and check much. Thank u for taking time to reply
It is quite hard. It is always easy for me to decide to leave but then, the "break up goggles" come on and I feel, "Hey it is not so bad. You love him. This is wrong. You can't leave him."
Is there a chance that if I start keeping a distance, he will leave, making it easier for me. Just finding it so hard to leave...

[dilemma-girl]

I am so addicted to him. He always claims to be addicted to me too and sometimes says that no matter what, he "couldn't leave". I have changed so much for him, in every way, and still willing to change more, but he never sees the changes. He keeps putting me down for everything. There was a time when he thought about "us" before doing anything. I gave up my dreams, even dreams in my mind, just to "fit in with him". And now he tells me to follow my dreams and be myself and that the time we spent together "doesn't make much of a difference" - and talking as if it is all just nothing at all and he would leave as and when an opportunity comes up.

He fights everyday, reduces me to a helpless heap of tears in any place possible - road, in car, in office, morning, afternoon, night; and shouts more for crying - and tells me to leave from the place as I lack culture and dignity. I couldn't bear it but I am unable to leave. I don't wish to cry but how much can a person bear being yelled at 24x7. I am always waiting for him to come, waiting for his calls or calling him. Sometimes he doesn't call and says he "forgot".

[Sojourn]

I am sorry to hear about the struggles you are dealing with right now, dilemma-girl. You asked if this is how your life is supposed to be and the answer would be no if you want to be happy. Based on your description of the man you are currently in a relationship with, he definitely sounds manipulative and abusive and that's no good for anyone including the abuser because they can feel empowered if they are able to continue with their hurtful behavior.

It seems to me that you are suffering from a great burden of guilt and that really needs to be addressed before you can enter into any romantic relationship in a healthy way. All of that guilt has been compounded by your new partner who has used it against you rather than being supportive and doing what he can to help you work through it. I would suggest you begin by helping yourself out by surrounding yourself with people who are truly there for you and finding a therapist that you are comfortable with. Please keep in mind that you are not alone in facing indecision and doubts. Everyone does and it is scary and can be painful sometimes. I am not stating that to minimize your predicament but rather to help you see you are not alone. Always remember that you can choose to make your life the way you feel it should be so you can be happy. It is easy to get overwhelmed and forget that you have the power to govern you own life as you need to.

You are living your own life story and you are facing a great challenge. I believe you can triumph over this difficulty and make yourself stronger to face future challenges. You are dilemma-girl now but dilemmas can often help us realize great insights about ourselves. Rely on the people who can fill you with courage and make the decisions you need to. Thanks for sharing and I know this community is happy to help you however they can.

[dilemma-girl]

Originally Posted by Sojourn

I am sorry to hear about the struggles you are dealing with right now, dilemma-girl. You asked if this is how your life is supposed to be and the answer would be no if you want to be happy. Based on your description of the man you are currently in a relationship with, he definitely sounds manipulative and abusive and that's no good for anyone including the abuser because they can feel empowered if they are able to continue with their hurtful behavior.

It seems to me that you are suffering from a great burden of guilt and that really needs to be addressed before you can enter into any romantic relationship in a healthy way. All of that guilt has been compounded by your new partner who has used it against you rather than being supportive and doing what he can to help you work through it. I would suggest you begin by helping yourself out by surrounding yourself with people who are truly there for you and finding a therapist that you are comfortable with. Please keep in mind that you are not alone in facing indecision and doubts. Everyone does and it is scary and can be painful sometimes. I am not stating that to minimize your predicament but rather to help you see you are not alone. Always remember that you can choose to make your life the way you feel it should be so you can be happy. It is easy to get overwhelmed and forget that you have the power to govern you own life as you need to.

You are living your own life story and you are facing a great challenge. I believe you can triumph over this difficulty and make yourself stronger to face future challenges. You are dilemma-girl now but dilemmas can often help us realize great insights about ourselves. Rely on the people who can fill you with courage and make the decisions you need to. Thanks for sharing and I know this community is happy to help you however they can.

Absolutely true. I feel way too guilty.
Thinking back, I feel I am in this mess just because even though I've a great many dreams for my life, with the means and strength to achieve them, I still keep living for others.
http://forums.psychcentral.com/perso...e-pleaser.html
And that is the problem I need to grow out of.