Fiance's hobbies/work affecting our relationship

My fiancé is a very hard worker, and I love that about him. He has always been a hard worker for as long as I've known him. However, within the last year he got into this hobby of creating salt water coral tanks. Apparently this is a big thing and is all-consuming. I get that he's into it, but sometimes it's like he's utterly obsessed with it. He recently decided to turn it into a business with buying and selling coral stuff for a profit, and I'm very proud of him that he's being so successful. However, it is something he spends all of his extra time doing, and it really started to cut in to the time that I had him to myself. I expressed my frustration about this to him, and at first it seemed like he adjusted politely and made big efforts to keep work separate. But now, I feel like he thinks this is a part of his life that "makes me angry" and that he can't talk to me about. He rarely talks to me about his life anymore, and always seems distracted. I have heard him say several times to customers or friends that "we need to make this quick, it makes my girl mad when I spend too much time on the tanks." I don't like being portrayed this way--because it doesn't make me mad! I don't think it was wrong for me to ask him to be sure to set aside time to be with me, and I don't think I have ever gotten "mad". Anyways, things have gotten to a point that I feel like he really isn't communicating with me anymore. (Bear with me, this is going to get a bit he said/she said). I really started to get anxious this week after I talked to one of his friends and he told me that my fiancé had said that he's not ready to get married for a few years at least, that he can't deal with that stress in addition to all his other stress right now. What stress? He hasn't told me about anything! He also just got another job for the summer, one that takes up a lot of time. He didn't even tell me he was applying.
I'm just so confused, and I'm not sure how to fix this. I'm worried that this came about of me being too clingy or smothering, and I really don't mean to be. He's just the best thing in my life right now and I truly feel that I'm meant to be with him. I don't know when things took such a left turn, but now it feels as though we want different things but that he doesn't feel he can express his wants to me. I'm scared. I really don't know what I'll do if I lose this relationship.

I hate to break it to you, but he won't change after marriage. What you are seeing is a glimpse of what he will be like after. Trust me, BTDT. My husband tried "small business" ventures for years and it negatively affected our marriage. He recently stopped one and went on to another. I wish he'd stop it because I think he's avoiding his generalized anxiety with people, but anyway.

You need to express to him that he needs to decide whether or not he's ready for marriage. Clearly, this business has brought out other issues to light that may not have revealed themselves for years later. They were still going to manifest somehow and the stress you are facing is evident of it. Time to talk to him about how he's going to plan on balancing a home-based business and having a real family life. I can't believe he's said he's not ready for marriage for a few years?? Is this true? You need to get answers from your fiance and decide what to do.

Yes, it's true. The friend that said that has been a mutual friend of ours for years and would have no reason to lie. We were already planning to wait until after I graduate, but apparently he's saying he wants to wait until after we both get jobs and etc, etc...could be more than another 5 or 6 years. I think he wants to wait until we both "make it", but what if that never happens? Isn't it better to struggle together? I think he proposed to me not because he's ready but because he wanted to give me what I wanted. I don't want him doing things because it's what I want...I want him doing things because it's what he wants too, does that make sense?

Rayne Selene, my husband is really into his hobbies and projects too - - to the point where I feel ignored or passed over sometimes. But, as another poster alluded to, I had a glimpse of this before we were married. It's not like he became this way overnight. I guess we spent so little time together during our courtship that I had no idea the amount of time he would put into his hobbies instead of wanting to do stuff with me.

I still think a long and serious talk with your fiance directly needs to happen. I would not hesitate to mention how you had to hear this stuff from a friend, instead of him. If he felt that way, why couldn't he have told you that himself?

Yes, I knew my husband had a hobby before I married him. I just didn't realize until after we were married that it was an obsession. The obsession won. We're still married but live separate lives. There's no love left because he quit giving time to the relationship. That's the short version, but I agree they don't change after marriage. I saw it but ignored the impact it would have over the long run. We've been married 15 years. Two happily.

rayne...try to understand that this is something that is very important to him, if you try to take this away from him in ANY way, shape or form..i can guarantee you he will resent it..FOR LIFE! he will never let you forget it.

if you want the relationship, this is something you are going to have to accept..apparently this is one of his goals in life..if you love him, it would behoove you to support him in this endeavor, to ask him to stop doing this or applying pressure he will start to see you as controlling & you'll only run him off.

your fiance' is wise to hold off on marriage & you should be all for it..why? you ask, because starting a business is very stressful and time consuming which will trickle over into your marriage and adversely affect it, if he is to be successful he is going to have to concentrate a lot of time & energy into the business, consequently you will need to be understanding and patient.

you guys SHOULD NOT be getting married until you are financially stable,
money/finances is a HUGE part of any union and one of the top reasons marriages fail is because of money problems.

you don't want to rush into a marriage only to see it fail, "struggling together" only works in the movies & not in real life. relationships alone are difficult, marriage multiplies the difficulty times 10.you want to give your union the best chance for success & having your money in order goes a long way toward securing that.

now on the flip side, if your needs aren't being met emotionally to your satisfaction..then you need to reconsider the whole idea of marriage.
problems DO NOT go away because people say "i do". in fact the multiply after the wedding bells stop. ask yourself what is it you want out of this relationship.ask yourself can your fiance give this to you. i get the opinion you are in a hurry to get married...what is the rush? if you love him and he loves you..why not wait to get everything in order to make it right??

i hope you consider what i have to say..i believe it will help you a lot..good luck!

I'm not in a hurry at all. We were already planning on waiting a few years, but the time/date we had discussed is completely different from what he's apparently telling his friends. THAT is what's frustrating me. I don't like the disconnect in our communication. If he wants to get married later, I would rather be a part of the discussion and decision. I don't want him doing things he doesn't want to do just because he thinks it's what I want...when really I just want him to communicate to me what he wants! In addition, I don't want this to turn into something that is put off and put off and put off...until we meet this goal, or this one, or this one, or that one...until it's on hiatus indefinitely. I'm afraid of that. Of course I know we need to be financially stable. That isn't what I meant...I just mean that we both have goals, some that may take decades, and I don't want to wait until we meet every single goal, because by that point our lives will be over! I want to reach my goals with him by my side.
And I would in NO WAY want him to give up his new business!!!! I'm incredibly proud of him! My problem was that he would tell me that he wanted to spend time with me, say, on friday night. I would come over and he would spend the whole night doing business deals while I watched T.V. I don't view that as quality time. I asked him to separate that time, whenever he could, from his business dealings. I would never ask him to stop. What I want is for him to feel that he can share this part of his life with me...I think he thinks I hate it, or don't want him to do it, and that's not true at all. I've tried to tell him this, but still I feel he's been very closed.

I'm a little confused here. On one hand you say that it bothered you that he told a friend your fiance planned on pushing back the marriage a few years...but now you are saying that you aren't in any rush? I guess I don't understand what the problem is with that.

I still think you need to have a talk WITH HIM. I don't know what else to tell you. I disagree with trying2survive because there will never be a "good" time for anything. I don't know if they are married, but the truth is you will struggle sometime during marriage. There are plenty of couples who married when things were great, and then someone lost their job or they changed careers and things were turned upside down. That is the reality is marriage. Struggling together does work in real life if you want to stay married.

It's understandable you want his undivided attention for quality time, but maybe it means you two have different ideas of what that means. You won't know unless you discuss this with him yourself. If he disagrees, your problem is a lot worse. Plenty of people have started businesses at home as a couple of with a spouse supporting the other and have set boundaries to make it work. How are you going to do that?

Sounds familiar. My husband is a gamer. Spends 16+ hours on the computer when he's home. He's a sailor, so for the other three weeks he's out to sea. He was sweet the first year. Being a co-dependent makes me feel alone whether he's in the house or not. I'm the cook, coffee deliverer and booty call. My self esteem is at an all time low, I'm not working and I'm "worthless" but when I do he gets obsessive. This is not healthy, for me or struggling with bipolar. (He knew that going in). I don't think I can last 16 years, but my material needs are met by him. Hard to leave with nothing but it could be the best thing I can do for myself. I'm isolated to the point of no friends, and yet I'm the one making myself a victim by staying. I hope you find happiness, separate and healthy, even within your marriage, if it can't be that. I saw the red flags 12 years ago - and ignored them too.

Whatever you do, please do not quash his passion. As an artist I've given up my passion more than once for women and it just breeds resentment and unhappiness. Anyone that finds their passion in art, or hobbies, will become somewhat obsessed about it, that's what makes it their passion.

My advice to you is to try to stop being frustrated and expecting him to give it up for you, but instead encrouage it and support him. Appreciate what he is and try to enjoy or appreciate his passion for this craft. I cannot say for sure but the I believe the best way to get him involved more with you is by showing you accept him for all he is... all of his obsessions and his ways. Nothing else will do. If you can't accept someone for what they are and appreciate it with the good, bad and even ugly, you need to move on to be honest.

I'm not trying to make you out to be someone terrible, but the truth is, this is such a common problem in relationships. People too often are focused on what they are NOT getting in a relationship and stop focusing on what they can give to the other so it falls apart. When we give to the other what they need, typically if they do indeed love us, they become more willing to reciprocate whether that be in talking, supporting you or even making more time. Right now you're a frustration to him and he loves his craft. But when he is doing his craft he has the stress of worrying about "making you mad" whether that is accurate or not, his reality is that he perceives that it angers you when he does it too much. Do what you can to relieve that stress and try to be more accomodating, you'll get more results that way.

That's great advice. Thank you for putting it in a way that wasn't accusatory. We've actually been talking a lot more and things are looking up

You're very welcome. Well I don't see either of you are explicitly bad to each other but much of what you've described is part of reality and what many many people face in relationships. There is much to discover about your partner even after years of being together things change and evolve (not as in people evolving but the relationship). Things you don't know about your partner in the beginnning take time to come out...

It will take endurance and long suffering on both your parts to make it work but I think you can and I think quite possibly he'll come around